Blah Day

Today is cold, windy and a bit raw with a light freezing rain coating everything in a layer of ice. The weather is congruent with my mood which is a bit dark. I almost did not stop by the coffee shop this morning in attempt to control my waist line and spending. My decision always occurs at a traffic light at which I must turn right towards my client’s office or proceed straight to the town square where the coffee shop is located. It was a difficult decision today but I decided to indulge because I have not done so for 3 days. I passed up my usual egg sandwich and purchased a wholesome bran muffin from a local bakery. I also changed my usual drink to a "triple venti no-fat no whipped mocha".

This year’s holiday gatherings were relatively uneventful though I was less anxious than usual. All this "family-stuff" completely drains me though. I have a lot on my mind and I often grow uneasy when the conversation pauses.

I spent more time than usual purchasing gifts that would most surprise D and as a result she was quite delighted Christmas morning. Most of our purchases for the kids were utilitarian in nature and not particularly rewarding for the giver or giftee. Don't get me wrong, Christmas morning was thoroughly enjoyable with a few pleasant surprises. But it lacked that one "special" gift that one so enjoys giving.

Have a Cause

There is something mildly amusing about a group of people waving around signs protesting global warming while knee-deep in snow before winter has officially started. Don't get me wrong; I am not saying that global warming is not an issue. I am not an expert so I do not know.

There is a gentleman that comes into the coffee shop most days and occupies the best seat available. I believe he is waiting for the bus. But, he does not purchase anything. This should not bother me. It is not my problem. But it irritates me. I have more than enough problems to worry about. I have to let some things go.

An older gentleman shuffled into the coffee shop today pushing a wheeled-walker. He purchased a coffee and sat down in the chair next to me. He asked me “Do you live in the area?” “No” I replied “I live about 15 miles away”. We talked for a few minutes about the weather and how his senior citizens apartment building was becoming a haven for unwed mothers and drug dealers. He told me about his experience as a Marine in World War II. I am always amazed at the sacrifices my Grandfathers generation made so that I could sit in my coffee shop drinking Latte’s comfortable in the freedoms we all take for granted.

Slow But Steady

It is snowing again and apparently we can expect 3 to 5 inches of the white stuff. Sitting in the comfy chair at my favorite coffee shop, I am running later than usual as I had to drop D off at work. J is out driving around in the snow storm, apparently Christmas shopping. He really makes me anxious as he has this sense of invulnerability and constantly places himself in risky situations.

Last night we had a holiday party at drill which I enjoyed immensely. I have resolved most of my issues with the CO and my Adjutant and have resumed my responsibilities as XO. I have decided to stay with the program and will no longer threaten to leave unless something completely unacceptable occurs and I see no alternative to resigning.

A Little Progress

I woke up this morning with a moderate sense of enthusiasm. It was a cold morning with the sun hiding behind the overcast sky. B and I took the dog for a walk then I made him and J breakfast. My back is feeling much better and I am in a fairly good mood.

I actually feel some sense of relief in creating a list of all the things that are stressing me out. On my way home, I thought about that list, especially the "too much TV" item. Yesterday night I picked up a couple of Christmas gifts and did some plowing around my house before heading to Clickerville. Additionally, I spoke to my brother and now have his cell number. I also made some headway in resolving some of the issues relative to the youth group. I am pleased that I made a minor dent in my todo list. Not bad for a day that started with debilitating back pain.

This morning J asked me "Dad, did you bill the client for the job we did recently?" I replied "Yes I did.” I went on to ask him "Have you thought about putting some of that money towards what you owe us?" "No I have not" he answered. "How much do you want?" he asked. I replied "I want you to tell me what is fair." I think he should give us all the money as the debt is due to his use of the credit card he took from us. However, I don't want him to feel like he is working for nothing, so fifty percent is reasonable in my opinion.

Update

As if I don't have enough on my plate, today as I entered the office I threw my back out and ended up laying on the floor of my office in excruciating pain waiting of the spasms to subside. I have never experienced back pain like this before. I finally was able to get up and I am functioning now but the pain is still lingering. This is rather ironic for a person that lifts fairly heavy weights 3 to 5 times a week.

Hangin in There

Yesterday, I spent 14 hours wasting away in Clickerville. I am feeling overwhelmed with all the responsibilities and stress I am trying to manage. If I were talking with someone else experiencing similar issues I would tell them to suck it up and get on with it. However, I am not very good at taking my own advice. The catalyst for staying home was the lack of a vehicle as my truck was in for repair and there is no way I am driving the jeep 12 miles when the temperature is in the "teens". I could have worked from home but instead chose to waste the day watching countless movies. My therapist would likely say that I just needed a break. I say that I am lazy and selfish, neither of which I am proud of. I must do better...

Following is a list of items at the root of my anxiety that I need to address:

Rebuild relationship with oldest son J
Learn song to give D for Christmas
Check in on brother S
Gift pack for nephew in Iraq
Stop wasting time on TV
Put money on S's phone card
Resolve youth group issues or move on
Find $7,500 to pay lawyer
Read more
Write more
Play guitar more
Christmas shopping
Refinance house
Unpaid taxes
Finish stairs
Rebuild jeep top

The most effective thing that I can do is to reduce or eliminate time in front of the TV. I shall make this one of my highest priorities.

Working Weekends

Money continues to be tight so I will be working all weekend. I am fortunate to have the work so I will take advantage of it. I feel bad about not spending time with the family but one must take advantage of opportunity when it's available.

Yesterday I finished up a project which included installing a 1/2 mile wireless connection. Thursday I was up on a ladder in a snow storm mounting the wireless transceivers which was no fun and a little risky. Luckily when we powered everything up it worked perfectly.

This morning I am enjoying my comfy chair at my favorite coffee shop. However, my visit will be short lived as I have to get to work

New Coffee Shop

Today I have a service call some distance from where I generally work, so I am sitting in a quaint little, non-chain coffee shop on an active main street. The atmosphere is quieter then my usual purveyor with only the muted sound of a small TV reporting the day's news. There are eight or nine people, most appearing to be retired, seated in chairs drinking coffee; many eating muffins or bagels. The latte’s have a very strong coffee flavor and are served at a higher temperature than my regular establishment. Most people seem to know one another and they often exchange greetings and or an occasional barb or two. Some discuss the impending snow storm and the notorious inaccuracy of New England forecasters. I hope it is not extremely cold tonight as I still have no hardtop on the jeep I plow with.

Last night we had drill and I sat down with the CO in attempt to resolve our issues. Unfortunately the meeting did not go well and I think we are heading for divorce.

Now I may need to find another interest B and I can pursue together. He and I will both pick three options to consider. I will likely choose Tae Kwon Do, filmmaking and writing. I look forward to seeing B's choices. I am also considering starting a new unit without the CO but I would be surprised if I went in that direction.

Latte is Better Then Coffee

Yesterday, in effort to reduce waistline and expenses I sacrificed my morning coffee shop routine. Instead, I was relegated to ground coffee from a bag and a french press. The coffee was adequate but I missed my comfy chair in the morning sun.

In my last post I revealed my intention to resign from the youth group after I took the kids to last weekend's training. However, the CO has indicated his willingness to compromise on some issues and he sincerely expressed his desire for me to stay. After considerable thought and lengthy discussions with my son we have decided to stay with the unit for the time being.

The weekend was great and B performed well. During the training B committed one minor offense with some other cadets but when asked to take responsibility for his actions he was the only one out of three to raise his hand. I am very proud of my boy and I am lucky to be his Dad.

My brother called me Friday after disappearing for a week or so following his eviction by his roommates. I put him up in a motel and notified his friends of his whereabouts. Last night I should have gone to visit him but I was stuck in Clickerville. Today I feel badly about my selfishness and hope to do better.

J was working on an old snowmobile last night trying to get it started. I recognized the opportunity to spend some time with him helping to troubleshoot the old sled but chose to cling selfishly to my isolation instead. Is there someplace where one can purchase selflessness? I so want to break from my lazy routine but I often just don’t have the energy or desire. I expect more of myself and will redouble my efforts to put others ahead of myself. It is so easy to blame my complacency on my depression but I must live the life that will make me proud when I look back upon it. Every day that I ignore J I distance myself from him and increase the possibility that he will succumb to the influence of drugs or other risky behavior.

Hitting a Low

Today I am in a rather dark mood. It started Monday when I sent an email to the unit CO expressing my concerns about the manner in which he communicates with me. He never replied and during last night’s drill I discovered that he made some changes in the unit without discussing them with me. One of the changes included promoting two other cadets ahead of my son. If he had come to me and discussed this decision showing me the criteria used to measure the cadets, I could have accepted his decision. But between that and all his other bullshit, I have decided to resign. I discussed it with B and he is in agreement with my decision.

So today I am blue. Not even my morning coffee shop routine brings me much pleasure. I feel like my best friend has died. I feel betrayed by the CO and now feel the spite and vindictiveness that he’s unleashed upon other people. I will likely take the kids to training in RI this weekend but sadly, that will be my last time with the kids.

A Beautiful Day

Today I sit in the comfy chair in front of the large south-facing picture window sipping my latte. The sun shines brightly on my face and I feel cozy and comfortable. There is an eclectic mix of jazz and rock playing in the background. Customers file in at a steady pace and eggnog latte seems to be popular.

This morning as I was driving into town, I considered what I was going to write in my blog. I have always written my entries in an ad hoc fashion never selecting the subject(s) in advance. I was slightly taken aback at this realization and uncertain as to whether I should maintain the impromptu nature of my writing or spend some time considering various subjects for my postings. I believe there is value in writing "in the moment" but I don't think that some pre-writing deliberation would necessarily influence the end result in a negative way.

Doing the Right Thing

I have always been lacking in healthy positive emotions, but I strive to do what is right regardless of how it makes me feel. There are times when I take an action or make a decision that make me feel really good; but typical every day events such as Christmas related traditions do not generally excite me. I participate generally because it makes D feel good and I set a good example for J and B. Sunday, D, B and I put up the tree. J was MIA… Yesterday we told B And J that we would decorate the tree in the evening. Last night J, was nowhere to be found and B decided to go to a friend’s house. D and I were very upset at them for their casual disregard for a tradition we have always valued and observed. I wanted to give them another chance but D insisted we decorate the tree without them. I reluctantly complied and started to hang the decorations with even less enthusiasm than usual. Many of the trinkets carry with them a reminder of a past event or memory.

One particular adornment was an angel J made in pre-school created from a floury paste that became hard and somewhat brittle when dry. A day or so after J made the ornament, D called me in tears saying "I can't find J's angel". I thought to myself" J has an angel?" D brought me back to reality asking if I had seen it. I then realized that she was talking about the homemade angel J had created. “No” I replied. “I have not seen it”. Later that day D somehow realized that she had inadvertently placed the gold specked, white angel in the mailbox. The mailman, thinking it was a gift for him, took it. Later, D somehow realized her mistake and contacted the post office. When I arrived at home, she was standing in the door sobbing and clutching the remains of J's little angel. Its little arms were completely broken off and it was split in half right down the middle. I hugged her and confidently said “we can fix it” though I had my doubts. Using cardboard backing, glue and a lot of patience, I painstakingly reconstructed the little angel back to a semblance of its former self. Last night, we hung it on the tree for the 14th year; D and I, alone with only the brightly lit tree and the dog snoozing contentedly at our feet.

Snow is Better Then Rain

We received our first significant snowfall last night. I woke up to 6" of the white stuff. Last night I put the plow on the jeep so I simply drove it out of the garage with the blade down to start my plow route which consists of a few houses on the street. I have not completed the repairs on the hardtop so I had only the bikini top to shelter me from the snow that quickly turned to a light rain. Luckily it was warming into the low thirties so I needed only my winter coveralls to stay warm.

I now face one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I have reached a point with the CO where I get very upset with him over very minor issues. I think that the anger and resentment I feel towards him has grown to a point where I have become very bitter. I don't want to leave the unit as I love working with the kids. However, I must find a way to resolve my issues with the CO or move on. I am unsure as to how I should proceed and for now I have pulled back from the unit while I consider my options. I have started to assemble a list of pros and cons designed to help aid my decision process.

Life in the Coffee Shopo

Today I am without my smart-phone so I am relegated to writing my blog update in my little pocket notepad. My propensity for efficiency rebels against such an ancient form of communications but I will make the sacrifice in effort to maintain my morning routine.

What brings me to this little shop on so many mornings? I am certainly drawn to the aromatic smell, coffee-mocha taste and caffeine induced buzz I so enjoy whilst savoring my favorite morning beverage. But I could make said beverage at home for considerably less money and I would not “waste” 45 minutes of my time, all of which is otherwise billable. I have become accustomed to updating my blog during this time but certainly I could do that at other times on a full-sized keyboard. I think there must be something else that brings me here… Perhaps it is a subconscious desire to be with other people even if it is generally non-interactive. I have come to recognize some of the people that also spend time here in the early mornings. We could order our lattes to go, consume them on the way to work, then update our blogs while at work. In all likelihood, the lure of the coffee shop has more to do with our desire to assimilate into society and associate with our fellow man.

I often see a young couple appearing to be in their early twenties associating with the group of drifter-types in the town square. She always has a zombie-like look on her face and I have never seen any trace of emotion. I have often wondered if she is perhaps severely depressed or possibly on some type of drugs. Today they were sitting in the coffee shop and she actually smiled. It was a bit of a surprise to me and I was taken aback by my sudden change in perception of her based solely on the smile. I am disturbed that my dehumanization of her would have gone unnoticed but for a simple smile. I need to look past my shallow impressions of people and look for the person within.

Tough Night

Yesterday the CO sent me an email in which he once again shot down some of my ideas in a disrespectful manner. He then proceeded to trivialize my concerns. I also learned that another adult that I share some of my frustrations with has been forwarding my comments to the CO. Resultantly, I spent the evening in Clickerville frustrated, angry and feeling betrayed. I am not feeling much better today. I need to strongly consider if my involvement in the unit is worth the anxiety. I thoroughly enjoy all other aspects of the program and B is really starting to enjoy it.

Yesterday I was driving along and noticed a bag with what appeared to be a wire hanging out of it. Intrigued, I quickly pulled over to investigate. As I approached the black bag I saw that it was filled with electronics among other things. I quickly picked it up and returned to my truck. Once inside, I peered into the bag and discovered a GPS navigation system, Sony PSP, Blackbery and a wallet. It was a triangular back with a single shoulder strap and a zipper on top. I started the truck and pulled out continuing on to the health club. Passing a police officer parked on the side of the road, I considered giving it to him but decided to return it to the owner myself. Later when I arrived back at the office, I found an entry in the Blackberry address book titled "Dad". I dialed the number and reached a gentleman with a thick South American accent. After a couple of tries he finally realized that I had found his son's gadget bag.

Last night I met the bags owner in a McDonald’s parking lot. He appeared to be Hispanic with a short stout build. His Patriot's hat shadowed a face marked with multiple piercings and I could see the edge of a tattoo on his neck. He had a relieved look on his face glancing at the bag that hung on my shoulder. We discussed how the bag slid off the hood of his truck unnoticed until my sharp eyes detected the incongruous object lying by the side of the road. As I handed the bag to him he looked embarrassed and mumbled something about having no money to pay me. I reached out to shake his hand and looking him in the eye said "You owe me nothing". "You owe the next person that needs help". "It's called paying it forward". With that I got back in my truck, patted my dog and proceeded back to Clickerville.

Frustrated

This morning I was greeted by a cool, crisp early-winter day. B and I took the dog for a walk and talked for a while. He always amazes me with his evolving maturity. B is incredibly smart and his self confidence increases daily. I am lucky to be his Dad. J on the other hand, continues in his usual ways. Last night D asked him to take the dog out and he got all pissy. I still have not dealt with his theft of our credit card and am not even sure what I will do.

Today I found out that our 1st SGT and the CO have created new squads and my son B is not a squad leader. I don't have a problem with this supposed decision as long as I can see the criteria underlying it. As the XO of the unit I should not have heard about this from my son. I am torn as to how I should respond to this issue. I fully expect that if I talk to the CO about it he will say that no decision was made. Maybe I should just let it go...

Sitting in front of my computer keyboard in my home office, are unopened anniversary and Christmas cards from D for the past two years. I felt uncomfortable opening them during my depressive state. They remain unopened as I feel that I must first creatively express my love for D in order to do them justice. I have been trying to write a song but I have been struggling with the words and feelings. I shall redouble my creative efforts in hopes of completing a sonnet by Christmas.

Home Again

Last night B and I returned from the training event in RI. The weekend went very well and three of my kids were appointed as leaders. They all performed superbly and our unit is developing a reputation for producing well trained cadets. B was chosen as a squad leader and appeared to be comfortable with the responsibility. I am becoming more comfortable associating with the other adults and often contribute to the various meetings and gatherings.

Today is dark, rainy and cold, a stark contrast to our recent weather. This morning I am enjoying my favorite coffee shop after a short hiatus. Today's latte was not up to normal standards but is much better then the tin can variety I poured from the large coffee urn yesterday morning. Saturday I was lucky enough to sneak out in the morning for a latte at a local Paneras. Unfortunately there are no Starbucks stores local to the training facilities.

Friday I gave money to one of S's friends so he could bail S out. That night, S called D drunk saying that he was going to kill our father. Did I make a mistake bailing him out? He did leave an apparently sober VM for me yesterday thanking me for securing his release. I now must try to reestablish a relationship with him. This is not something I look forward to even though I know it is the right thing to do.

Shopping is Entertainment

Today I am enduring what is starting to become an annual tradition. At 5:30 this morning, D woke me up to join the hordes of frenzied consumers in the manifestation of Black Friday. I am a reluctant cohort on this particular adventure but my participation makes D happy. Our first stop was a large electronics store. The line was easily an eighth of a mile long. I looked at D with pleading eyes and a look of dismay on my face. She smiled and said "there is nothing in their that we need that badly". We then went to the mall and purchased large quantities of clothing and other gifts.

I am amazed at how twisted modern life has become. So much of our energy is spent spending and accumulating. I am just as guilty as the average Joe, but would like to change my habits. I need to spend more of my time in areas that better me and my fellow man. My contribution to the cadet group is important and rewarding but I feel like I can help other causes as well.
I am finally getting a care pack together for my nephew in Iraq. I am feeling increasingly guilty living my lavish lifestyle knowing how miserable his conditions must be.

Today we discovered that J has been stealing our credit card to purchase fuel and maybe some electronics. I really think there is something wrong with his brain. He consistently uses poor judgement with little to no regard for the consequences. However, I don't know where to turn for help. Perhaps I should attempt to find a neurologist knowledgeable in this area. It is offenses like this that causes me to resent J and inhibits my desire to become closer with him.

I discovered Tuesday that S's bail has been reduced from $15,000 to $500. I plan to bail him out but I am wrestling with the decision to do it today or Monday. I think it is good for him to spend a little time in jail but I know it must bring back horrific memories from when he was sent to jail at the tender age of 17 for a crime he may not have committed. I write this while I sit in a comfy chair at the chain coffee shop I enjoy. I guess I should try to get him out today.

More Routine

Last night I had some light cold symptoms such as a scratchy throat and cough so I took some Nyquil and slept soundly. This morning I woke up feeling rested and refreshed. However, I felt some reluctance to start my day but quickly realized that I had no excuse to do so. I was not depressed, did not feel physically ill and was well rested. Any desire to remain in bed would likely be due to laziness; nothing more. I swung my legs onto the floor and shuffled into B's room to wake him up.

Upon entering his room I noticed his guitar sitting on a chair, not in its case. The previous night I had asked him to put the instrument away as he had left it in the living room. Seeing it now, lying there as if casually discarded among the dirty clothes and game center electronics, caused me to pause for a moment cosidering my choice of responses. I hated to start his day with a dose of criticism but I also want him to learn responsibility. I reached out to him gently shaking his shoulder saying "B, B... It is time to get up." He uncoiled his lanky body stretching it out the full length of the mattress while loudly yawning. As he stood up in front of me for our morning hug I realized that he was contiuing to grow past my 6' 2" frame. I held him close to me and we exchanged muted "good mornings". I wondered to myself "how many parents enjoy this type of bond with their 15 year old child"? The discussion about the guitar would wait for another time.

Weekend with D

This past weekend D and I went to PA for youth group training. The sessions went well and we both learned a lot. Also, for the first time, we did not have to tend to any crises at home during our trip. We concluded training Saturday night so yesterday, we visited Amish Country and really enjoyed ourselves. It was very interesting to learn how the contemporary Amish and early settlers lived and provided for themselves. It causes me to long for a simpler life.

Today I had hoped to stay home and rest as I am stilling feeling a little run down. However, I have been called out for a service call and have stopped at the coffee shop on the way. It feels like a typical early winter day with temps in the low 30's and a dusting of snow on the ground. I am bundled up in my leather coat and gloves. The sun is shining bright and there is a light breeze stirring the flags in the square. I am amazed that the merchants have already started touting their Christmas offerings. I am not a religious person, but I think Jesus would have gone through Wal-Mart and even Starbucks overturning the "money changer" tables with a vengeance. In previous seasons, D and I used to run up some serious debt back when we used credit cards. However, now that we pay cash for everything we emerge into the new year free of that liability.

B spent the weekend with my sister in-law's family and apparently witnessed non-stop turmoil including shouting and arguing for most of the weekend. His cousin is 16 and his parents seem to have problems setting boundaries and enforcing consequences. They deal with the resulting conflicts through anger and verbal altercations. I think it is good for B to witness this type of interaction as it may help him to appreciate his stable and predictable home life.

Tired

This morning I feel a little off. It is a cold rainy day and I have not been sleeping well. Tonight, D and I head down to PA for training sponsored by the cadet organization. D is not very involved in the group, but she is on the books and it gives us a chance to spend some time together at a nice hotel. We have Sunday to ourselves.

Lately I have been gaining weight due to a lack of exercise and too many lattes. I feel very uncomfortable when my pants start getting snug. It doesn't help when I eat a dozen cookies and a chocolate bar just before bed. I won't give up my lattes so I will have to adjust my diet and exercise more.

I have been following another blog called "Pipe Tobacco". The author appears to experience emotional issues similar to mine such as depression and melancholy. His writing often includes references to the recent passing of his mother and how much he misses her. I am saddened by his loss. It also causes me to think of my own mother and our dysfunctional family. My mother passed a few years ago but I felt little emotion when I laid her to rest. I now wonder how a son can be so disconnected from their parent. My therapists have speculated that I did not bond with my mother. She too suffered from depression and was very abusive to me and my siblings. I shall continue to write about this issue in hopes that I can learn more about my mom.

Routine

I am a nonconformist by nature and as such, have always avoided incorporating too much routine into my day. Lately though, I have come to enjoy routine. I believe that most routine can be categorized as good, neutral or bad. My habit of stopping at the coffee shop most mornings seems like a healthy thing to do. It puts me into a good frame of mind for work and is conducive to updating my blog, not to mention the pleasant buzz from the caffeine. Yesterday I had to travel some distance to visit a vendor and drank my coffee on the way. I immediately felt the change in my routine with some mild discomfort. This morning I am back in the comfy chair, basking in the morning sun, enjoying my morning routine. Visiting Clickerville is more of a bad to neutral habit. Watching old reruns of Law & Order or CSI is just a poor substitute for living life. However, in my opinion, shows such as Conquering Everest or The Sopranos deliver high quality entertainment and or useful information.

Last night I enjoyed supper with the family (a rare event these days) following a run with B. I then retired to Clickerville to cath up with my friend Tivo. Clickerville is becoming less and less appealing so I actually find more enjoyment there knowing that I am not just hiding from life, but purposely seeking entertainment.

I would like to improve my writing given that I have the equivalent of a third grade education. The notion of a college course is not particularly appealing but I am hoping I can find something like a writers group or workshop.

Lost Blog

Rats... I somehow lost the latest blog entry I created this morning. I often sit in the coffee shop and type it out on my little smart phone keyboard. However, I think it is worth recreating although I hate doing so.

This past weekend was great! We took the cadets out to a confidence course for an overnight trip and graduated our newest class. Everything went really well except CO was really hard on my son B, as he was in charge of training for this class. At one point B was completely melting down with tears and frustration. I did my best to comfort him and advised him to talk to the CO privately about his concerns. Later, the CO expressed to me his concern about my consoling him and I basically told him to fuck off. I went on to tell him that my son was more important then any bullshit protocol and that if he didn't like it we would both quit. CO is a very good friend of mine but I felt it was important to be clear in my intentions. He left Sunday morning for a previous engagement and took with him most of the anxiety and tension circulating in the unit. I ran the kids through the confidence course with the instructor and a great time was had by all.

I have been very lucky in that I have enjoyed a multi-week period of time wherein I have been spared the pain of any significant depression. This causes me to think about my responsibilities more often as I am freed from the excuses resulting from my low emotional state. Today a middle-aged woman that appeared to be homeless or possibly in transition, sat down in the comfy chair next to me at the coffee ship. I felt compelled to engage her in a conversation but held my tongue. If she had been a younger, attractive woman I would have already been talking to her. I am a pathetic excuse for a modern day man. Shallow and judgemental, I should be sent back to prehistoric times when men picked their woman based on physical attributes and child bearing ability. I finally screwed up the courage to blurt out "Cold out there today". It started a short but interesting conversation that I shall not soon forget. Maybe I am starting to move into the modern era.

The word for today is "discern". I shall endeavor to use it in my blog within the next week.

A Short Day

Yesterday I went home at 12:00 due to a splitting headache. I then proceeded to Clickerville and did not leave until 10:00 even though I was feeling better after resting for a couple of hours. I watched "Kiss the Girls", "American Beauty" and “Four Weddings and a Funeral". "American Beauty" is my all time favorite movie and I always enjoy it. In many ways I feel that my life resembles that of Kevin Spacey's character except for the getting killed scene, although there was a time when I would have looked forward to a similar fate.

I have been feeling really good emotionally as of late. This is one of the longest periods I have been free of any significant depression. I actually look forward to getting up in the morning! With this newfound comfort I am feeling a bit guilty for neglecting my extended family. I need to start reaching out to them again and see what I can do to help them. I have had a to-do item of sending a care pack to m nephew in Iraq for some time now. It is time I moved that item to my done list.

Today, B finally agreed to explore attending Phillips Exeter Academy. This is a huge breakthrough and I am cautiously optimistic that he will be accepted and that we will work out the financial details.

Yesterday was a stressful day. My brother's girlfriend called to remind me that she was dying and probably won't make it till Christmas. She went on to chastise me for not being a better brother. She was concerned that when she passes, S will have no one left to help him. I have reached out to him many times but he always cuts communications with me to the point where I just stop trying. I will once again reach out to him and try to offer my friendship. I had a wake at 2:00 then a banquet at 6:00. One of my clients was experiencing significant phone problems and my son J was melting down at school to the point he had to go home. My wife was sick and nobody walked the dog. (Deep sigh)

I just received a call from the CO of the youth group and he is still of the opinion that that only the recruits should run the Obstacle course. I believe that we are denying the other kids a really fun opportunity and the CO is hung up on BS reasons for his decision. I told him that I strongly disagree and that I was deeply troubled by his decision. I need to think this one through and come up with a propasal that will satisfy everyone.

Today I am in a great mood. I can honestly say that I am enjoying life. Last night I went to a sports banquet with B and had a lot of fun hanging out with the kids. This morning B and I took A for a walk and went out for breakfast.

I need to spend more time with D and J. I do a lot with B but little with D and J.

An Hour

Last night I got up out of the chair and purposefully left Clickerville for an hour. I went downstairs to my office and read a book. This is a momentous occasion for me and I am hoping I will be spending less and less time in Clickerville.

This morning B and I took the dog for a walk in the rain. It reminded me of years past when I was tougher and less concerned about in climate weather. We talked about school, his desire to purchase the new Guitar Hero game and his emotional state. He has mentioned that he might be feeling depressed which did not surprise me but nevertheless caused great concern. We have been discussing depression for a long time due to my illness but I was hoping he might be spared from some of the hardship I have endured.

Comfy Chairs

It was not so bad being stuck inside at the coffee shop this morning as I was lucky enough to score a comfy chair right by the front window. I wrote this blog entry pecking away on my phone's keyboard while cradled in the overstuffed delight.

A beautiful young woman just walked into the establishment and paused ever so slightly int front of me smiling in my direction. Tall and impeccably dressed, she carried a designer bag and wore stiletto heeled leather boots. She got her coffee and sat down directly across from me but behind a sign offering "handpicked" music from iTunes. Her curly brown hair featured blond highlights and was pulled back loosely. Her smile came easily and she carried herself with confidence. She would occasionally peer around the obstruction looking in my direction. Suddenly, a gentlemen walked through the door and she quickly stood up and appeared to introduce herself to him but it quickly became apparent that she was waiting for someone and it was not him. "So that was the reason for her interest in me" I thought to myself. Oh well... I still enjoyed the attention even if it was only for a moment.

I had another highly productive weekend. Saturday I managed physical fitness testing and fund raising for the cadets. B's race was cancelled so I was able to spend the full day with them. Sunday I finally sat down with D and we put all the bills into a spreadsheet and began building out a budget. Sunday night we went over to a friends house to watch the Patriots game.

I follow another blog written by a gentlemen that struggles with depression and schizophrenia. He has suffered and endured extreme hardship as a result of his illness and it causes me to consider how inconsequential my emotional challenges are. I can say this easily now because I am not experiencing a severe depression. I have been lucky to enjoy a pretty good mood for the past couple of weeks. I still spend more time then I should in Clickerville but I am at the point where I would like to be doing something else. I actually picked up my guitar for a few minutes yesterday. Hopefully, I will avoid a painful depression for the foreseeable future.

Cold out...

Today's cold weather (30's) caused me to partake of my morning coffee indoors. However, I drove the jeep this morning even though I have not yet installed the hardtop. It was a "brisk" ride and my ears were quite cold. When I walked into the coffee shop this morning, the barista surprised me by asking "triple venti no whipped mocha?" Quite a memory on that young woman.

I continue to enjoy relief from my depression. I have to wonder how much this newfound normalcy is due to the sense that I am making headway in my financial woes or the meds. Probably it is a little of each. I have a long way to go in reaching a manageable financial situation but through dedicated effort the money has been rolling in steadily.

Tomorrow I have a tough choice to make. B has a X-country race and the cadet group has two events scheduled. However, as I sit here, I realize the decision is easy, though not so pleasant. I always say "family first" so I will go to B's race. My staff will be a little annoyed at my absence but I must stay true to my values.

Good Weekend

I worked Saturday, took the dog to the beach with D on Sunday morning, and completed chores on Sunday including starting the rebuild of my jeep hardtop. I have been feeling pretty good the last week or so but I am always cognizant of the imminent shoe droppage that will happen anytime. Work is really busy with two large significant projects. I think this helps keep my mind occupied.

Recently a gentlemen for a vendor came in to talk to us about their offering. I was super impressed with his command of the English language. I would really like to improve my ability to communicate. I should consider how I might do this. Blogging certainly helps as I try to write succinctly yet clearly.

The coffee shop I sit in this morning is not my usual one. I have a call in the college town north of my home so I deviate from my normal routine. Two scholarly-looking gentlemen are sitting at tables drinking coffee while reading and writing. One of them seems more intent on writing on his yellow lined pad while the other thumbs through a copy of Physics Today. It is raining outside so I am relegated to an inside perch although it is one of the best, right in front of the large glass window. Music that sounds like a mixture of George Winston, Abba and Joni Mitchell is irritating the hell out of me. The coffee is mediocre at best but my morning glory muffin is very good.

Last night my very good friend was hosting a party that I did not attend. He sent me a couple of texts asking if I was coming that I did not receive until this morning. Instead I stayed home in Clickerville wasting time away. I considered going but apparently the opportunity did not generate enough "reward" chemicals in my dysfunctional brain. I remember feeling uncomfortable at his last party and while consciously, I desired the human interaction, I was once again drawn to the vacuous dribble that temporarily relieved my tortured mind from the pain of reality and responsibility.

Autumnal Wind

Last night the full moon signaled an end to the unusually warm weather we have enjoyed lately. This morning we were greeted with brilliant sunshine lighting up the frost covered blades of grass in my yard. I decided to celebrate the abrupt change in season with a visit to the city square to indulge in my favorite caffeinated cocoa. I first procured a bran muffin from the bakery down the street from the coffee shop and was surprised to discover that they had changed the recipe. Their bran muffins used to have a very unusual consistency that tasted very wholesome. Now they were much like the muffins you might find at the grocery store. From their I went to the coffee shop and ordered my usual beverage.

As I sat outside I noticed some of the drifter-types had already begin to gather in the square, smoking and sharing their cigarettes, greeting each other with their signature handshake. I was starting to distinguish between them and noted that there was one gentlemen in particular that was present every time that I had visited. He had a suitcase and backpack on the ground next to the bench he sat upon and appeared to be somewhat of a leader in the group.

This morning B had a major fight with his girlfriend and did not go to school until 10:00 or so. I tried to get him to let me take him to school but he insisted that his girlfriend was taking him. I am very worried about his ability to complete this year with the grades required to graduate. He does not have the motivation that he should and requires constant prodding to keep up with his work. I am becoming increasingly concerned that he will struggle in the workplace when he completes school and I am gently pushing him towards joining the Navy. I think it would help him to develop the confidence and self discipline that will help him succeed in whatever career he chooses.

More seratonin, less blogging

Historically I have written less in my blog when I start to feel better. Now that my mood is improving, I have less interest in writing. However, I plan to reverse this trend because I think it is important to capture my thoughts and emotions while I am enjoying better moods.

I know it is early but I am starting to grow optimistic about this new medicine. My recent mood improvement may be due to a steady dose of caffeine but time will tell.

I am not sure how many people read my blog but I would really like to hear comments and critiques of my writing style. I have no formal education and I simply write like I spea. I would like to write better and would appreciate your commentary.

Therapy Today

So we are back to talking about my relationship with my Mom (yawnnnnnnnnn). While I don't really see the point, (I have forgiven her and accepted that she did the best she could) he is the professional and I am not; or so it would seem. We will continue to increase the dosage of the Lamictal and I am hopeful I will see some benefit soon.

I was out last night with some friends celebrating an upcoming marriage. The groom is very independant, while the bride is very controlling. It will be interesting to see how this unfolds. Hopefully they will learn the art of compromise.

Life does not totally suck today so I guess that is a good think. I am concerned that when I find myself in a situation prompting laughter, I hold back. WTF... I have to learn to let go. I wonder if my subconscious is growing comfortable with my depression and rebelling against my efforts to get better? Freud probably has something to say about that.

Love my Latte

Yesterday was an absolutely gorgeous day. It was 80 degrees out, over 30 degrees higher then the average temperature for this time of year. I drove downtown in the topless jeep after my lunch workout and enjoyed both a sandwich and latte in the brilliant sunshine. As I sat at the table outside the coffee shop, I could feel the sun warming my legs almost to the point of discomfort. Small droplets of sweat beaded on my forhead as I sipped my Venti Mocha. The old church across the street rang out two clangs of the bell signifying the 2:00 hour. The flags lay limp from their poles on this very unusual windless day. The Harleys were all lined up in front of the other coffee shop and occassionally one or two would depart in a thunderous roar of unbaffled exhaust pipes. My wondering eye noted many of the woman wearing sundresses typically reserved for the hot summer months.

The entire downtown bustled with tourists, business people out for lunch and the usual groups of drifter type folks. One of the drifter-types walked away from the group loudly cursing them them with no apparent regard to the eclectic collection of people including young children walking through and sitting in the area . I could see bags and suitcases close by the group and wondered if they were homeless. Maybe they stayed at the homeless shelter at night and lounged downtown during the day. They were all fairly young; average age seemed to be 20 to 30. Cries of "Waddup" greeted all that approached the growing crowd. Most chain smoked cigarettes and many clutched bottles of soda in their hands. They were all fairly clean and many dressed in a hip-hop style with neckerchiefs on their heads covered with a hat turned sideways wearing jerseys with the names of famous athletes. They seemed to be comfortable relaxing in the square in front of the bus stop. I considered my propensity to hang out here drinking my lattes and wondered if I was more like them then I cared to admit.

Accentuate the Positive

This past weekend I mowed the lawn, washed my jeep, finished closing the pool, cleaned out D's side of the garage, worked for 5 hours and went for a run with B. All good stuff and I was in a pretty good mood. I am trying to live by the mantra "Do more of what makes you feel good about yourself and avoid what makes you feel bad about yourself".

Last night I crashed on the recliner (We no longer have a couch) with clicker in hand and proceeded to waste 6 hours of my miserable life. This morning I was in a pretty dark mood but I am functioning fairly well at work. I wonder if I would feel better had I been more productive last night...

Jury is still out on the meds. I am up to the full dose but can't feel any appreciable benefit. I had caffeine all weekend so I will take a break today.

It is interesting and a little bit awkward discovering that people are reading my blog. I find that I am editing my writing more then previously. However, I wrote a blog partly because I wanted people to read it so am pretty happy that I have an audience. I visit other blogs and I am amazed at the number and temperment of the comments. I can see how people can become frustrated with their readers. I don't have the problem and am not sure how I would react if I did.

No Relief

This morning I got up and made breakfast for B and J. B has a cross country meet today and I wanted to make sure he had some carbs in his system. J never eats breakfast with us, (sleep is more important) but I generally make something for him to take to school. Yesterday I took J to a neurologist because he has been having a lot of headaches. The neurologist prescribed three different meds for him to take indicating that the headaches were likely a result of his recent wake board fall. Unfortunately, last night I was in clickerville and completely antisocial so I did not check on Josh to make sure he took his meds. This morning I realized he had not taken them and I called upstairs asking him to please come downstairs and take his meds right away. I have to add the "right away" or he will forget to take them. I asked him in a calm and respectful voice. He screams back "I am changing". That sent me over the edge... I don't deserve that disrespect, had just made his breakfast and the whole point in asking him to take his meds was to help him! Normally I can roll with this crap but with my current bout of depression it hit me pretty hard. I grabbed my keys and basically stormed out of the house muttering " you people must be blind". Thirty minutes later I am sitting in front of the coffee shop trying to enjoy my rare caffeine treat. I feel a little better but right now life basically sucks.

There is something very wrong in my life when I wish that I would have a heart attack and die. I would never want to leave my family as I know that they are better off with me then without. But I just wish that I would feel better. I am seriously thinking of changing therapists as I have been at this for about three months and I am definitely worse of today then when I started. I also am quickly losing faith in this Lamictal shit. I am starting to wonder if it is worsening my mood. I am up the the half dose and I will probably ride it out till I get to full dose. Then I will decide whether to continue with it or not.

Arrrgggghhhhhhh

B asked me again about his class ring. Since when do kids get their class rings as Sophomores? And, when did the price increase to $200? He also announced that he was not going on the class trip to Europe. That absolutely killed me. I wish I could go back to all the stupid financial decisions I have made and undo them. I will find a way to get the money for his trip.

D was up at 5:30 this morning. At 6:00 she came into the bedroom and sat down on the bed next to me with a "we have to talk" look on her face. I immediately thought "she is leaving me". The scary thing is, I was not upset. The lack of any strong emotion really bothered me. Am I so completely fucked up that the thought of my wife leaving me doesn't bother me? As it turns out, she just wanted to talk about the bills. I told her that I wanted to get us back on a budget so that we can see where the money is going. I am now thinking about selling the boat and the jeep. I don't think I can get much for either toy but it seems like a necessary sacrifice at this point. I will decide after I review the bills. J will be really, really pissed about selling the boat. We are just getting into wake boarding and all of us enjoy it immensely.

It is amazing that I am on the cusp of feeling better and I just keep getting slammed with one hardship after another. WTF, over... I just need to keep my head down and try not to think so much.

Gettin' Happy

This morning found me a bit more enthusiastic then yesterday. B and I took A for a walk and enjoyed the sunrise as we returned to our house. I am doing many of the things that I think are important and I know that eventually I will get to a point where I will be happy again. I have moments of relief from my depression and I am hopeful that I will continue to improve.

Walking the dog

It is 5:50 AM and I am lying in bed considering the value of another 10 minutes of sleep. It is still dark out and D is downstairs doing chores. I immediately start thinking that mornings suck and I turn over to grab another 10 minutes. I know I won't sleep but the alternative is getting up and facing the day. I hear D coming up the stairs and she opens the door to the bedroom. "Do you want to take the dog for a walk with me?" she asks. I really don't want to take the dog for a walk. I know that I won't have much to say to her and the bed is warm and comfortable. I love my wife deeply and my non communicative nature has less to do with her and more with my self-obsessed nature. "Yes" I reply and swing my legs over to the floor. "Just work through your routine and try not to think to much" I say to myself. Why do I dread mornings so much? Do most people wake up with a smile on their face ready and willing to take on the day? I think I did at one time. So we go for a walk and of course she brings up finances. I try to explain to her that we have to leave money in the tax account or we won't be able to pay our taxes. She tries to explain that we have bills to pay now. We just need more money. I worked till 7:30 last night and I am at work at 7:30 this morning.

This morning B asked if one of us would be home to take him for a haircut tonight as we have drill Thursday. He also asked to have the cross country team over Thursday night for carb night. I told him I would be home in both cases. D is spending more time at the club which is a good thing. This means that I will have to find another way to get some more hours in.

B's uniform laying on the floor

It is amazing how such a seemingly insignificant event can negatively effect my mood these days. I have asked B no less then 20 different times to hang up his uniform after drill. I am really, really frustrated with him about this. Why does something so unimportant bother me so much? Is it because I really detest the fact the the uniform is being disrespected? Could I be bothered because I have ironed the uniform for him and he clearly does not appreciate my effort? Maybe it is just a power struggle... The reality is that he is a good kid, he does the youth group because he wants to make me happy. I just need to get over this.

So as I am working through all the emotions resulting from the discarded uniform, I notice that all his dirty clothes and gear from cross country are on the floor in the utility room. (Deep sigh...) I have asked him multiple times to not leave his gear laying around.

I know that on most days I would dismiss these events without much thought. But when I am down, it becomes unbearable.

I am rapidly losing faith in this new medication. I seem to be more depressed then I was previously. I wish one did not have to wait so long to determine if a new med works properly. If this one does not work out, I will have to gradually reduce the dosage over a period of weeks or months then start the same process all over again with a different med.

Venti Mocha Triple Shot No Whipped

I have gone three days without any appreciable caffeine but today I just had to have a latte. I have to work today so I deserve a treat. I drove into town to my favorite coffee shop so I could enjoy my mocha whilst sitting outside with all the tourists and early morning locals. I enjoyed the drink immensely and am currently luxuriating in the caffeine buzz while I slave away at work. I will probably pay later with some irritability but for now I will just enjoy the added serotonin.

Life is really, really hard right now. I think most of my stress is a result of my incredibly difficult financial situation. That is why I am working today; trying to earn some money to pay bills. We were just hit with an additional 15 grand worth of expenses that I was not expecting. Between that, my overdue taxes, legal fees and regular bills, I am feeling completely overwhelmed. I need to come up with an attack plan that will at least help me to feel better about my prospects of paying off my debt.

I try to think of all the things that I should be grateful for but my mood is darkened by my financial woes. I am incredibly fortunate that I have the ability to work more hours to earn more money. But then I feel bad about neglecting my family. Will my kids forgive me?

Wimpering in the dark

Therapy is going nowhere
Meds are not yet kicking in
Caffeine is not working

My mood has sunk into a deep, dark abyss and daylight is nowhere to be seen

I yearn for the clicker and couch

Today I sat in my car for 3 hours just watching the waves crash upon the rocks

I finally made it into work but I couldn't be much less productive

My heart is skipping all over the place and I really feel like shit

Saturday I have to lead eight kids on an all day hike. Oh boy... Hope my mood is better.

Self inflicted stress

I run a cadet youth group with a friend of mine. This man is a good friend but is driving me insane. He says one thing then abruptly changes course and says or does something contrary to what he originally said. I have so much stress in my life right now I am really having a hard time with this. Couple this with B's reluctance to attend the meetings and I am stuck between two difficult situations. Yesterday I was feeling really good until I went to an officers meeting only to listen to the CO (my friend) tell everyone that the current recruit clas would have to complete their basic guidebooks before they graduate. This is completely contrary to what he said previously. Now we will have lots of pressure on me and B to get the recruits caught up on their guidebooks. I think I am just going to ignore this one because I am really pissed about the situation. I will have to see what happens with B as he is in charge of recruit training for this class.

I am really thinking about quitting but I feel like I am running away from yet another volunteer group. Why do these things always become so difficult?

Last night I read

Life is like climbing a very difficult mountain. You cannot measure your success by your ability to reach the peak. You must break your ascent into individual accomplishment. Yesterday I watched less TV, worked more and read a book before bed. A small but nevertheless significant accomplishment. Today I feel pretty good. I got up without much problem, made B breakfast, went out on my first service call, dropped off money at the lawyer and arrived at work for 10:30. Not a bad start to the day.

It is somewhat wierd not feeling miserable. It it almost uncomfortable. I start to laugh and catch myself. Why is that?

Gym is going real well. I have not missed many days in the past month. Now if I can just get my diet under control.

New Meds Day 6

I really don't feel much of an impact from the new meds yet. I seem to have a reasonable amount of energy and motivation. The boat is put away and the pool is almost winterized. I have been slowly cleaning up the garage but I probably need one solid day to finish it off.

I have to start getting up earlier. There is some much I could be doing but I lay there like a lazy slug. One day I will yearn for those hours lost to lethargy. I continue to waste vast amounts of time in front of the TV but I am enjoying it less and less. Hopefully that trend will continue and I will find more productive ways of spending my time.

D has been spending a fair amount of time with a friend and going to the gym. She has been in a better mood and the whole house is calmer as a result. I need to find more ways to spend time with her.

Raising Teens

So my 17 year wants the day off from school tomorrow. Wants to go to the fair. I had told him that he had to be all caught up on his work to have the day off. He is not caught up. I told him that he could have half a day off. That wasn't good enough. He had to have the whole day off. He lied to me saying that there were no classes. He even pretended that a teacher was telling him that there were no classes. He was infuriated that I wanted to talk to the teacher directly. Said I didn't trust him. I don't.... for good reason. I called the teacher and he does have classes. So now he is screaming and swearing at me. This is fatherhood.

Fatherhood sucks...

No Complaints

I haven't posted in a while because I have been pretty depressed and didn't want to publish my pathetic complaints. I still feel pretty crappy but I have succumbed to the luring siren of yet another anti-depressant. I really hate the idea of taking medication again but I have to get out of this rut. I have been pretty low for a couple of years now and I am not the person I used to be. This is a new med that was actually created to prevent seizures. Guess I won't have to worry about swallowing my tongue.

My legal issues have taken a turn for the worst as the state wants my son to spend a year in jail as the result of his accident. WTF!!... We are going to fight this one hard but it does not look good. I think it is pretty fucking stupid to send a 17 year old kid to jail for allegedly looking down for a moment when he was driving. How many of us have done that!! I feel horrible about the gentlemen that lost his life in the accident and I weep for his family. But how is anyone served by sending my son to jail? It was a FUCKING accident! And, we really don't know whose fault it was! I sure hope this new med helps. I am having a really hard time with this.

A Nice Weekend

I spent a good part of the weekend with the youth group. We had a very successful fund raiser and spent one morning with some very grateful veterans. It is sad how we warehouse the people that are responsible for the freedoms we enjoy today.

The past few days I have been in a fairly bright and productive mood. I have been off caffeine every other day but I think it is unlikely that coffee has that much affect on me.

Therapy is going fairly well but I am always a little frustrated with the slow progress. I think that there is an issue with the VTA releasing dopamine. It seems that I do not get the requisite amount of joy from many of the activitities I used to enjoy.

I am spending more time with D and trying to help out around the house more. Maybe that is providing a boost to my emotional well being.

My Life Sucks Less...

It started and ended as a pretty good weekend. D and I left first thing Saturday morning to spend time with my Dad and his wife down on his boat. Though I was seasick as usual, we had a pretty good time. I miss hanging out at the marina's. It is fun talking with the other boaters and watching the kids catch baitfish with their Walmart nets. I helped a gentlemen secure his large sportfisherman to the dock with an expertly placed coil on the cleat that I gradually pulled in to snug his vessel tight against the fenders.

I don't have much in common with my Dad and I often struggle with conversation. We have lots of old baggage that gets in the way of a more rewarding father-son relationship. But, I try to be a good son. That is about the best that I can do.

We are on our way back home when we decide to stop in Boston to get a bite and maybe stop by the Instituite of Contemporary Art. We are in the North End enjoying the Feast of St Anthony when J calls me on the cell phone. "There were ambulances at our neighbors house last night" he tells me. Now, I know that this particular neighbor had a party that night and I am immediately alarmed at what might have happend. After 5 different phone calls, I finally track down the details. My neighbor somehow fell out of a 2nd floor window and basically broke her back. It turns out that she is in Boston about to undergo a major operation. I tell her husband that we will join him at the hospital in a few minutes. Normally I enjoy riding the T; it generally feels adventurous. However, today I was anxious to join my neighbor awaiting the outcome of this very risky operation. Four hours later we get the news that the operation went well. Good news... However, she has a long, difficult road ahead of her as she seeks to recover from the physical and emotional trauma that will most certainly haunt her for the rest of her life.

So today, my life sucks less. Guess that makes me less unhappy.

Another day

I am so tired of complaining... It would be great to create a post that went like this -

Today was another great day! Woke up at 5:30 sharp and started the day with a vengence. Got lots of work done around the house, went for a run with B and walked the dog. Had a very productive day at work. Now I am heading home for supper with the family and chores till I go to bed.

Wouldn't that be nice. Instead, I sit here at work, barely motivated, just longing to hold the clicker in my hand, even though I have plenty of work and really need the money. I HAVE TO BREAK THIS PATTERN!!!!

Tomorrow...

I am so lucky... Why am I miserable?.

I am living the American dream. I began my adult life penniless with no education and very little resources. Much like an immigrant from a foreign land. But, I was born in America... I just did not learn much from school and because of my very typical dysfunctional family, I found myself on my own at the tender age of 17. I have had just about every job there is and I now provide technology support services at quite reasonable rates, especially for a grammar school drop out. So I should be happy, right? It is not that I am unhappy.... I know that feeling. Deep dark depression where you don't ask yourself if you should end it all, but how. You spend time considering all the possible methods to alleviate your misery while wresting with the inevitable trail of anguish one leaves in their wake when they depart the world in such a brutal fashion.

I am still medication-free. It is a great feeling but I yearn for the desire to laugh. I great hearty laugh emanating from deep within the belly. I would truly love to laugh with my kids and my wife. But, it is not my nature. I am far too somber and thoughtful for such spontaneity.

Vacation has been great. I have more or less been on vacation for the past six weeks. I only work about 20 hours a week right now and spend lots of time with the family up at the lake in Maine. I have gotten pretty good at wake boarding and pulling aspiring wake boarders. Just about every morning I go down to the Causeway and get my extra-large, tripe shot, no-whipped-cream mocha latte. Leaning back on one of the flimsy green lawn chairs, I sit in front of the Cafe watching the boats and cars go by. Every day I observe the wait-staff washing down the tables and chairs at the neighboring restaurant preparing for the onslaught of the lunch crowd. During all this vacationing-relaxing-putting-my-feet-up time, I often think of putting more effort into my business. I conceive many new ideas that would theoretically help me grow my consulting practice.

Then, I go back home. Faced with a house in need of a paint job, neglected chores and mile-high weeds, I grab the clicker and assume the position. Ahhhhhh... Deep sigh. Am I just lazy? The thought of working on some of the chores causes me genuine physical pain. "Tomorrow", I think. And so it goes. Then, I go back to work. Show up at the clients site with lots of fresh ideas. I get a good running start... Then I fade. No energy or motivation. I look forward to going home and making love to the clicker. Am I just lazy?

This morning I actually lavished some attention on D. Rubbed her back, went for a walk and inquired about work. This is a lot for me lately. Am I just lazy? Possibly a bit selfish?

I have so much more to say.... But I will leave it for another day.

Vacation Time

I am sitting here at my desk, outside the hot and noisy server room, waiting for Symantec Tech Support to answer my call. I have been on hold for two hours but can't leave for vacation until I resolve this issue.

Been loading up on the caffeine lately which has definately had a positive impact on my mood. It also increases my heart arrhythmia though. Dying from a heart attack does not scare me. However, I would not like to suffer a stroke. I can't imagine living the debilitive life of the typical stroke victim.

What the hell..... I gotta go here. Answer the fucking phone! Driving 2 hours with no AC will SUCK!

Why do I feel good?

Today I feel fantastic! It is not a manic type of fantastic. Just a general sense of peace. I really wish I knew why I feel good. Young Marines went really well last night. It always seems to be calmer when the CO is not there. My session with the shrink went well. I asked him about the possibility that my nucleus accumbuns was damaged and he looked at me like I had two heads. I then asked about the effect that stimulants have on my electrochemical flow and he had no clue. I thought these guys were supposed to know this stuff.

Went for a 4 mile run with B this morning. He is progressing nicely. Hung out in the pool for a while enjoying each others company. I wish I had this kind of relationship with J. I need to work on that.

Vacation next week.... Yeeha! Looking forward to getting up on the wake board.

When I was a child...

I was 9 when my parents dropped me off at the youth center located atop a rugged hill in a small New Hampshire town. The center featured 3 dormitories or "cottages" as they called them, a barn complete with cows and tractors, a gym, school and cafeteria. It was a quiet setting with a small frog-pond and big open fields. You could hear the muffled sound of cars and trucks on the distant highway. A large steel swingset framed the the White Mountains, which stood tall and and proud in the background with their snow-capped peaks. The staff advised my Dad to just leave without saying good bye. "It will make things easier" the counselor said.

It was that day that I learned the manner in which the youth center disciplined their children. I recall that I was justifiably upset that my parents left without me. They had told me that we were just going to visit a school. I never imagined that they would abandon me in this strange place without even saying good bye. Apparently I threw quite a tantrum when I found out they were gone; so violent that they locked me into one of their time-out rooms. A cold, dark, isolated cell with a thick steel door. I could hear little of the activity outside of the dank dungion-like room with a cold tile floor. Screaming and crying as loud as I could, I pounded my young fists on the painted concrete blocks. When I kicked the door repeatedly, I was warned by a counselor that every kick would add more time to my confinement. Finally, tears streaming down my face, I slumped down onto the floor, broken, alone and wondering why I was here. A few hours later, when they opened the door, I blinked, rubbing my eyes as they adjusting to the light. Many of the other kids were gathered around anxious to see the new kid. Most of them had criminal records and arrived from the housing projects of Boston and its suburbs such Roxbury, Lowell and Mattapan. Their ages ranged from 8 to 18. I would learn later that the older kids abused the younger ones verbally and physically. Even some of the counselors had peculiar habits such as voyeurism but I was never personally touched by any of them. Tracy, a slight, anxious looking boy with short brown hair, resplendent in his superman cape and mask announced that I would be sharing his room. He then swooped off in a mock flight pattern apparently looking for his arch-nemesis, Lex Luthor. Gradually, the kids all drifted away and I tentatively emerged into the hallway looking around at my new surroundings. I was in Colcord Cottage. I was lucky as the cottage next door had tougher kids with longer criminal records. I was to spend the next two and a half years here. It would turn out to be the best years of my youth but at that moment I felt nothing but hopelessness and despair.

Life Sucks Then You Die...

Met with Lawyers yesterday for J's defense. This completely sucks. We have a long difficult road ahead of us. Now I have to figure out where I am going to find $25,000! So much for sending my kids to college. It is amazing how much shit life can throw at you at once.

I expect I am going to be back on meds pretty quick here. I can feel what little joy I have slipping away like a receeding tide. I have to stay disciplined, get to the gym, find ways to get the electrochemical processes clicking and generating the oh-so-feel good seratonin, dopamein etc...

I am enjoying reading a new blog. A young woman from the east coast writing about her struggles, challenges, hopes and dreams. I feel a bit like a voyeur but we have exchanged a few comments and she seems particulary bright and enlightened for her age. I can't help but wonder if there really is a soul mate out there for me but then my ever-present logic kicks in and reminds me that there is no God and with no God there is no Fate. We are products of our environment and one day we will go back to the dirt from whence we came. That thought then stimulates other thoughts regarding the purpose of life. Are we really destined for the same old routine till the day we "retire"? Seems like such a waste.

In search of dopamine

Today just flat out sucks... I have not motivation and I am really having to push myself just to go to the club and work out.

I found this blog from a 21 year old woman from the northeast that has my interest. Curious how I seek these woman out. What would happen if she was a 45 year old unattractive woman? Would I suddenly have no interest in learning more about her and reading her blog. Fucking society!!! We, as men, have been conditioned from the beginning of time to seek out the healthiest, most attractive woman of child bearing age. Then we have advertising companies touting young attractive woman as being the most desirable. How does a middle-aged man not feel the desire to succomb to all this influence. And, when he does, it is a bad thing. I guess I am shallow but I really don't want to be. I need to fix this problem. It makes me feel bad about myself. I think some of my answers lie in Jungs teachings. I need to spend more time with them.

Dark Day...

Had a house full of family yesterday. Started the day in a great mood even with some shit from J. Then D turned into a bitch and that caused me to shut down. I made it through the day but didn't enjoy it much. Today I feel like shit emotionally. Hopefully coffee will kick start a better mood.

Brother may go to jail for some robbery or something. I am starting to feel like white trash with all the shit happening around me. I am handling it ok now but am not optimistic.

I lay there, the early morning sun filling the room. Time slowly ticks by as I languish in my anguish trying to muster the energy to begin my day. What if I just did not get up?

Raising Teens

Whew... Yesterday we found out that the State was prosecuting J for his accident. He is completely freaked out and I am also very stressed. This will be a long ugly process and it will be tough for me to keep my mood up. Last night J melted down and stormed out as usual. I have to get better at containing my emotions as well

Caffeine

When I am in a reasonable mood I get a nice buzz from my morning joe. I enjoy doing just about anything and I am much more sociable.

Getting up is still difficult. I think I have just created this mental pattern where I would prefer to lay in bed even though I am done sleeping. I need to plan my morning out so I can make better use of the time.

Been feeling pretty horny lately. I wish D took better care of herself. I love her dearly but her body does not excite me on most days. I find myself looking at Craigs List postings but I know I would never to anything.

So why do I have have a problem with a NSA relationship. I say I don't believe in God but yet I hesitate.

Another good day...

Went for a run and a swim with B this morning. Enjoyed talking with him. I have been in a pretty good mood lately. Steady dose of caffeine but not an excessive amount. I hope I can maintain this mood through vacation.

Jeff went and got his girlfriend pregnant. She said she forgot to take the pill. Tell me that doesn't raise some flags. She know wants him to marrry her then move to the middle of Maine which means quitting his job and finding a new one. Seems like a lot for a 24 year old to absorb. I hope he makes out ok.

Finally spoke with this attractive girl that works out at the club. She was getting a salad next door and we talked for a moment. She seems nice. I know that there is no opportunity for a relationship, being happily married and all that, but I still enjoy talking with attractive woman. Does that make me a shallow person? I recognize that I am a product of my environment but I wonder if I should consider my bias towards attractive woman. Although, I do like earthy, crunchy girls as well as alternative ladies with their piercings and tattoos. Maybe I just don't migrate towards woman that are not physically fit. Hmmm.... Something to think about. It was kinda funny though... she forgot her credit card and was obviously embarassed at the register. I almost paid for her lunch but didn't want to offend.

Summer is Cool...

I finally went to see a new shrink. He is a therapist that can also prescribe meds. We agreed to hold off on the meds for a bit. I feel pretty good lately. There is something to be said for trying to get better. He is of the Freudian persuasion which is new to me. I am more familiar with Yungian approaches. I like his style and look forward to our next meeting.

Went camping with B this weekend. I really enjoyed myself as did he. The boat ran well and the weather was good. It would be nice to spend more time with the whole family. I need to think this one through for next year.

I started to clean up the garage. This has always been therapeutic for me. I made some progress before crashing in front of the TV. I am ok with that.

Caffeine is working well for me right now. I feel slight arrhythmia but I think I don't think it is a major problem.

Today is slightly better

Went for a walk this morning with B. We had a nice chat. He is a litte stressed about cadets but I am confident that the CO will work with him to finish up his testing. My mood is a bit better but I am still pretty lethargic. B won his game yesterday and we took him and his friend out for pizza. Of course J came along because it was free food.

Surprised by comments

I just noticed that some people had responded to some of my posts from 2004. I never noticed it before. I never really thought that anyone would be interested in my rantings and self-pity and I was pleasantly surprised that someone did. Maybe I can get more out of this then I expected.

I know what I need to do to get the feel-good chemicals flowing. Why do I struggle with doing it? I have chosen one key objective for the time being; lose some weight. I am doing pretty well as I have been skipping my cookie, ice cream and chocolate binges for about a week now. I also have been working out regularly and even running a bit. My feet kill, but I still love the simple purity of running.

Posting is healing?

Ok, who wants to read about a middle-aged Dad/Husband that is trying to find happiness without the help of medication. Maybe nobody... That's ok. I write for me. I hope that it will help me to find the elusive joy that seems to ebb and flow from my life. Getting up in the morning is hard these days. Not as tough as it has been in the past, but nevertheless difficult. I find less and less serotonin in my caffeine these days. Probably time for a purge. I feel kinda numb... Pretty stupid as life is good. I can function which is better then past battles with depression. The theme is always the same though. I lose all feelings of joy no matter what I am doing. Everything is just pure effort with little to no emotional reward. I ignore my wife and begrudgingly perform the required "Dad" activities such as Baseball. The only thing that makes me feel good is the thought of laying on the couch in front of the TV just wasting away. I guess I should consider medication again; but I just don't think it will help. I do have moments of joy, but they are fleeting and occur less and less often.