I am living the American dream. I began my adult life penniless with no education and very little resources. Much like an immigrant from a foreign land. But, I was born in America... I just did not learn much from school and because of my very typical dysfunctional family, I found myself on my own at the tender age of 17. I have had just about every job there is and I now provide technology support services at quite reasonable rates, especially for a grammar school drop out. So I should be happy, right? It is not that I am unhappy.... I know that feeling. Deep dark depression where you don't ask yourself if you should end it all, but how. You spend time considering all the possible methods to alleviate your misery while wresting with the inevitable trail of anguish one leaves in their wake when they depart the world in such a brutal fashion.
I am still medication-free. It is a great feeling but I yearn for the desire to laugh. I great hearty laugh emanating from deep within the belly. I would truly love to laugh with my kids and my wife. But, it is not my nature. I am far too somber and thoughtful for such spontaneity.
Vacation has been great. I have more or less been on vacation for the past six weeks. I only work about 20 hours a week right now and spend lots of time with the family up at the lake in Maine. I have gotten pretty good at wake boarding and pulling aspiring wake boarders. Just about every morning I go down to the Causeway and get my extra-large, tripe shot, no-whipped-cream mocha latte. Leaning back on one of the flimsy green lawn chairs, I sit in front of the Cafe watching the boats and cars go by. Every day I observe the wait-staff washing down the tables and chairs at the neighboring restaurant preparing for the onslaught of the lunch crowd. During all this vacationing-relaxing-putting-my-feet-up time, I often think of putting more effort into my business. I conceive many new ideas that would theoretically help me grow my consulting practice.
Then, I go back home. Faced with a house in need of a paint job, neglected chores and mile-high weeds, I grab the clicker and assume the position. Ahhhhhh... Deep sigh. Am I just lazy? The thought of working on some of the chores causes me genuine physical pain. "Tomorrow", I think. And so it goes. Then, I go back to work. Show up at the clients site with lots of fresh ideas. I get a good running start... Then I fade. No energy or motivation. I look forward to going home and making love to the clicker. Am I just lazy?
This morning I actually lavished some attention on D. Rubbed her back, went for a walk and inquired about work. This is a lot for me lately. Am I just lazy? Possibly a bit selfish?
I have so much more to say.... But I will leave it for another day.
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Dude, you have situational depression. I've been there before and I could have easily written this blog. You need to radically change your situation and replace your current thoughts with brand new ones. That might require a physical move, ejecting someone from your life or some other major change, but think of it as changing the channel.
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