Seasonal Affect Disorder?

It is a cold grey day in the town square today . Coffee and a muffin at the cafe has done little to improve my melancholy disposition. 

I'm not really interested in writing these days...  I suppose that is why I must. 

D and I had a good day yesterday.  We took A for a walk on the beach and talked through the events of the past week or so.  It has become clear to me that while we may be facing some midlife hormonal issues with D, I also contribute to the caustic atmosphere with my rancorous nature.  She is simply less tolerant of my bullshit. 

I have been experiencing greater and greater loss of memory.  I have always had a problem with retrieving information from my dysfunctional brain, but now I am forgetting really basic knowledge such as friends names.  I have to focus on exercises that rebuild my broken synapses and failing hippocampus. Writing will certainly help.

Let's argue some more

It's lightly snowing in the town square today.  We have only had one storm this year and that was back in October.

D and I are in the middle of a very serious, emotionally charged argument, yet I am amazingly calm.  I am pretty frustrated with her at this point though.  I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells around her and my stomach is often in a knot.  I am not sure if we are going to survive this round.  I have not considered that possibility for a long time, but she seems unable to resolve some trust issues that are completely undeserved and I am at a loss for  how to move forward.  I am just tired of having to defend myself against her unwarranted paranoia.  If we do split up, I have no interest in being with anyone else.  I think I would be happier alone.  It is so amazing that we are suddenly at this place when we were closer then ever before.  Once again I have learned the lesson to not let myself be vulnerable.  

Resolutions? Not really...

Yesterday I embarked on what I hope will be a life changing journey.  I vowed to think positive, work harder/smarter and not let the little stuff get me down.  I made a sizable dent in my thank you cards (from my 50th birthday party a month ago) and avoided Clickerville altogether.  I am also determined to resolve my financial woes and am once again thinking big. 

A has become part of our family and spends most weekends with us and sometimes stays with us during the week.  She has had a profound impact on D and I, and we on her.  She is no longer going into the Marines but has applied to multiple colleges instead.  At my behest, she took here SAT's a second time and improved her score significantly. 

D and the boys are doing well.  D continues to lose weight and improve her appearance.  J is  working as a landscaper but unfortunately does not get paid if it doesn't snow.  B is doing well at school and maintains a relationship with his girlfriend S.

I want...

Attachment is a powerful motivator.  Desire is one of the most insidious forms of attachment.  She creeps deep into our soul, drawing us towards that which fails to satisfy, ultimately leaving a trail of regret and disappointment in her path.

Lucky Me

Dear D,

It amazes me that I had the incredible fortune of marrying you.  When I think about how unlikely it is that we ever would have met, it makes me consider whether something more than chance brought us together. 

I am not completely sure why God put A in our path,  but I am once again in awe of your ability to accept me and my unconventional, sometimes burdensome ways.

I truly love you,

Dirk

Lester Burnham's at the lake.

I am writing this post while sitting at the cafe on the causeway up at the lake.  It is a beautiful day, but I am unfortunately working on my boat today instead of enjoying the lake.

A couple of the cadets came up to visit over the weekend and they had a fabulous time boarding, tubing and snorkeling.  My young protege was one of the visitors and it was really nice to spend some time with her.  I am getting a fair amount of flack from my family because of my relationship with her, but I am confident in my ability to maintain a healthy relationship.  My family trusts me, but are concerned about the risks inherent in this type of relationship.  I actually share some of those concerns as well.  I think it is good that "A" spends time with the family so they can get to know her and realize she is not a threat.  I am also hopeful that the better A knows D, the less likely she will get the wrong idea about the type of relationship we have.  I have had/have similar mentoring relationships with adolescent males but this is my first female. 

My relationship with A has has me thinking about my relationship with D.  A and I can talk for hours but D and I do not talk much.  I am determined to find ways to make my conversations with D more frequent and interesting.

Siren Songs Be Damned!

This past weekend was absofuckinglutely fabulous.  I took the cadet group up to my friends property in the White Mountains and we went for an eight mile hike and had a day of swimming and BBQ.  The kids were well behaved and the adults were too.  We had one cadet in particular that stands out. He had decided not to participate in the hike but another member of the staff convinced him otherwise.  He is overweight and out of shape but the staff member stayed with him and the young man completed the difficult eight mile trek. 

Another highlight of my weekend was snorkeling with the kids.  There was two in particular that stand out.  One has expressed desire to become a Navy seal and he was europhoric after snorkeling amongst the sea weeds and schools of fish.  When he thanked me I could feel the gratitude emanating from his soul.

My other young snorkeling companion was my seventeen year old protégé.  She is very bright and quickly grasped the technique of rising and diving.  I spent most of the time leading her but the few times she surged ahead I could not help but admire her beauty.  I am really wrestling with my feelings for her but I am absolutely confident that I will face down this challenge and emerge victorious over her unintentional siren songs.  I feel that this is a challenge I must face down so that I can continue to work with female adolescents without succumbing to the primal urges that accompany that work.  I have grown and matured so much over this past year and there will be no better time to put this weakness behind me.

I have a daughter?

Monday night we had an extended version of the men's therapy group wherein we all shared the sordid details of our past.  I won...  I definitely have had the most tragic life thus far.  A close second was a man who had a abusive alcoholic father that left when he was four.  We are all a pretty fucked up bunch though.  Father issues everywhere...

The funny thing is, I am definitely the happiest man in the group (currently).  Seems ironic...

I am becoming very close to the young cadet I am mentoring, perhaps too close.  I feel pretty safe but it is like skiing right to the edge of your ability and then pushing just a little more.  At some point I have to say the phrase "I view you as I would my own daughter" to her.  I don't have an issue with saying that, but I am fearful that she actually views our relationship in a slightly different light and I might push her away.  However, I still  have to say it.  I have to set the boundaries to preserve what is truly important to me; most importantly, my wonderful wife.  I owe her that.  Ego is such a powerful thing though. 

Another busy weekend

My weekend started at 4:00 AM Saturday when a tiny voice pierced my sleep.  "Mr. Early....  Are you awake?"  It belonged to B's girlfriend and she and I were about to head up to the White Mountains to watch B's first triathlon.  Our ride up was filled with pleasant conversation and I enjoyed talking with her.  B did very well at the triathlon, taking second place in his age group.

From there I was off to a family reunion for D's family at Lake Winnipesaukee.  It was nice to catch up with family I have not seen in a while.  I particularly enjoyed snorkeling with my niece and her friend as well as playing trucks on the beach with my nephew's young son.

Saturday night, D and I went to a friends house near Lake Winnipesaukee.  My friend is also an officer at the  cadet group and we planned to inspect field gear that was stored at his house including backpacks and tents in preparation for an upcoming encampment.

I have been doing exceptionally well from an emotional perspective and I am not even  worried about when my mood will change.  Life is good at this moment :-)

Happy 4th!

This past weekend was a short one compared with most people as I had to work yesterday.  However with the unemployment  rate at 9% or better, I am grateful to be working.  Saturday we worked around the house and Sunday we went up to my in-laws camp for some wake-boarding.  Both boys along with their girlfriends joined us at the lake.

I have been mentoring a young lady from the cadet program and we have been communicating on a daily basis.  She was raised in the inner-city and has experienced  much more pain and hardship in her short 17 years then many would experience in an entire lifetime.  I view her as I would my own daughter (for the most part) but I am aware that she could develop more romantic feelings towards me.  I have been very careful to keep our conversations free of any hint of intimacy and she has not indicated anything other then an interest in a fatherly figure.  She is traveling abroad for the next few weeks with no access to phone or email and I would be less then honest if I didn't say that I will miss our daily exchange.  She has proved to be a source of joy for me and I look forward to her return