I don't care

I am the king of apathy.  I hear the words "I don't care" echo in my head often.

Stop spending money - "I don't care"

You should be saving for retirement - "I don't care"

Stop eating so much  shit - "I don't care"

Stop searching for something to fill this gaping hole in my soul - "I don't..."  Ok, I do care about that.

I've bought a lot of stuff over the past six months.  Mostly for photography and snowmobiling.  I should be paying my taxes and investing in my house.  "I don't care"

I should be reaching out to my brother, sisters, nieces, nephews and father...  "I don't care"

I need to get a dose of motivation.

Pissy Today

Tuesday night sucked.  D was in horrible pain all night and there's not a fucking thing I can do.  The sleepless evening seems to have pushed me into my all-to-typical bitchy-don't-give-a-fuck self.  Perhaps it was the visit with my Dad Sunday that fucked up my holiday spirit.  Or perhaps I've just run out of serotonin. The "why" doesn't really matter though.  I am completely anti-social, and of course, today is the company yankee swap and holiday luncheon that I may just blow off. 

I had to take a company picture a few weeks back and I felt a lot of time-pressure and rushed the shot.  I didn't have flash and shooting 40+ people is completely new to me.  The shot was for the company holiday card.  Yesterday, one of the owners informed me that they were not sending out the card even though they were printed, addressed and mostly signed.  She stated a few reasons but one of them was the off-color of the picture.  She's right.  I saw it and tried to correct but it was a little blue-ish. I couldn't push the kelvin any higher as it was too yellow. The devaluation of my photo stung.

I have so much to learn about photography and one of the single greatest challenges I face is the recognition that not everyone will like my work all the time.  This will of course be balanced against the many people that love my work...  But it's still hard to take.  I'll need a thicker skin if I'm going to shoot people. 

But back to the yankee swap.  I don't believe anybody really cares if I'm there.  It's my own fault though.  I don't pursue friendships with anyone at work.  I'm not really sure why, but I suspect it is tied to this deep-rooted sense that I'm not likable.  It's hard to shake it except with my friends.  Perhaps I'm just lazy in not pursuing friendships.  I've had opportunities, but except in isolated cases, I don't make it a priority.  And, I can be an ass at work.  I've little tolerance for people's ignorance and unwillingness to learn how to use technology.  I don't hide my disdain well.

Uncertainty

I have been going to the same coffee shop for about 12 years.  As a result, I have a lot of friends there so it can sometimes be difficult to work on pics or write anything.  Recently I have been spending some time at a different coffee shop that has beautiful views of the river, great coffee and an attractive owner.  Today's view includes a spectacular sunrise.

I've not written about D's health issues, but she has a serious condition that is causing her a tremendous amount of pain and difficulty.  The prognosis is unclear but most don't survive this particular affliction.  However, there is this possibility that she could get better, stabilize, and live a long life.  This means I am dealing with a massive amount of uncertainty.  However, today I decided, that if I should end up alone, I will buy a nice sailboat and travel the world.  I have slightly less uncertainty in my life now.

Priorities

I suspect today will be one of the last days I'll be able to sit outside and drink my coffee in the morning.  It's unusually warm and I understand there is a colder weather pattern en route.

I feel complacent this morning.  I have little energy and I'm feeling very anxious about finances as usual.  D has not worked since Jan and we have not made our payments to the IRS since then.  It's just a matter of time before they knock on my door.  What I should be doing is filling out the damn 433 form and negotiating a settlement with them.  I need to make this a priority.

Progress

I'm feeling pretty good today.  I've sketched out my goals and I'm committed to achieve them.

Yesterday after supper I spent a few hours in the garage working on my sled instead of watching TV.  Today I'm working on my finances. 

To be honest?

I stopped taking my medication about a week ago.  I want to see if I can get by without it.  I really haven't noticed a change.  I'm still pretty irritable but I did have a great day Saturday filled with motivation and a positive attitude. 

However, Saturday night, I lapsed into a foul mood when it became clear that I would have few people attending my planned super bowl party.  I decided to cancel it; partly out of anger but mostly out of convenience (avoided shopping, cooking, cleaning before followed by cleaning after.)  I purposely did not promote it on WasteBook because D is still recovering from a horrific bout of pancreatitus and I really didn't know if she would be up for a party. 

Following my cancellation I signed off all social media sites in a passive aggressive statement of disappointment in my friends.  That'll teach 'em. 

Yesterday I had a super productive day completing many chores around the house and showing B how to repair a sink drain in the bathroom.

D continues to get better but the end is no where in sight.  I get super annoyed when I have to take time off work to be with her or take her to doctors appointments.  Yeah, it's a little selfish but this is my fucking blog and where else can I be completely honest?

It's done!

It's a perfect morning in the town square.  I feel an incredible sense of relief now that my son's graduation and graduation party are both complete.  I was not able to complete the deck renovation but it was usable and I am happy with the result.  I'm very sorry and feeling the after-affects of two many beers and now enough suntan lotion, but I'm in a good space today.

I receive so many complements on my family yet I am still amazed when I do.  I feel fortunate to have two great boys that are both well balanced and likable.  I am often complimented on my 27 years of marriage and I always feel a twinge of pain when I think about the lack of passion in our relationship.  I feel especially bad that I don't really try to be more passionate.  I have just grown to accept the "companion" nature of our marriage.  I keep thinking that one day I will suddenly feel differently and ignite some incredible sense of desire...  I'm no dummy though.  I know it will only happen with effort.  We do things together, share interests...  I just don't talk much.  I don't even try to talk much.  I need to make an effort.

Sunday I teach my first sailing class to veterans. I'm super excited as this is an area I excel in and I'm looking forward to working with the vets.  I was a bit disheartened to hear that D could not come out on the boat (she and or the vets might not feel comfortable), but I'm hoping I can change that over time.

Hard Work

Lately I've been performing a lot of manual labor including major lawn and deck renovations that must be completed before my son's graduation party next Sunday.  Sunday I opened my in-laws camp which is back-breaking labor.  I can feel the effort in my muscles and joints marking my ascent into post-midlife.  I'm also cognizant of the inevitable effect of age on my physical appearance and it reminds me of my inconsistent goal of learning how to admire beauty without the need to possess it.

It has been approximately eight weeks since I've started yoga and I'm improving control of my thoughts and become more purposeful with them.  I continue to struggle with distracting desires such as lust and desire for possessions, but at least I'm aware of what I need to change

There's Hope?

I'm beginning to imagine a life freed from the shackles of consumerism, pop culture and wasted desire.  For years I have been exposed to meditation and ways of clearing the mind from shit that really doesn't matter.  While I have sometimes embraced these paths to freedom I always fall back to the reality we have all been taught from an early age.  However, this time I actually see a glimmer of hope that I might truly experience a change in my thinking that will help me to focus less on the bullshit that means absolutely nothing and immerse myself in a new reality that will fuel greater creativity and less anxiety.

I Have A Problem

Wednesday night I went out to my favorite cafe for a drink and hopefully some writing.  I was joined by some friends and had a marvelous time.  The new bartender was pouring me 16 oz, 10% craft beers that should have been ten ounces.  I had four of them... No supper... In about three hours.  Not good.  I was very drunk and when my friends departed I went looking for dinner and some time to sober up.  Unfortunately, most places were closed so I went to the car and drive home.   Actually experienced bed spins driving the care.  Not good...  Thursday I had the worst hangover of my life.  I took the day of as I could not function.

While I realize that I technically only had four beers, I really had about eight.   And I knew what I was doing for the most part.  I have been  growing increasingly concerned that I have a drinking problem.  For  a while I was drinking excessively almost every Friday night.  I have been tailing it back and have not been drunk in a month or so.  But this Wednesday was a wake up call.   I should have been pulled over.  I should have spent the night in jail.  I'm lucky I didn't hurt anyone else.

I'm grateful that today is just another day instead of one consumed with the stress and anxiety of dealing with the aftermath of a DUI, not to mention the expense.  I need to get my shit together.