Cut Down the Oaks

It's fucking cold out today.  We have about six inches of crusty snow on the ground.  Normally I would be thrilled as I could take my snowmobile out.  But these day, I just don't care.  I will probably have to sell it soon anyways.

I remember writing about mourning the loss of my depression because it seemed to diminish my creative energy.  I mourn no more.  I am feeling overwhelmed with hopelessness.  This morning I was actually comparing myself to Gollum.  I would be happy to be free of my Precious if I knew what it was.  Most don't know the depths of my melancholy.  When one causes his own hardship, I think it is more difficult to bear.  I constantly berate myself for my past decisions.  I think that for most, anxiety moves one to resolution of the issues that create the angst.  For whatever reason, I seem to be moved to avoidance allowing small problems to grow like saplings into towering oaks. 

I got gypped in the nerochemical dept

Yesterday I was thinking about the best way to check out.  It wasn't a conversation about if, but one of how.  Today I took two blue pills and I feel great.  Anxious, yes...  But motivated to fix the environmental issues that are driving me to a desperate outcome.  This sense of wellness will not last, but I shall bask in the neurochemicals effect even if it is fleeting.  Tomorrow I will take three if I have to.

...

I miss her...

Gotta go, good bye

This morning at 5:35 I received a text from R - "Gotta go.  Good bye".  And so ends a chapter of my life I shall never forget.  She was so special to me in so many ways.  Her mood could quickly shift from giddy happiness to fierce anger to withdrawn sadness.  In my mind, I watched her grow from a girl to a woman in just over a year.  I just feel numb today.  I know that the reality of her departure has not hit me yet and I have some dark times lying in wait for me.  I have to refocus my mind, work on improving my life.  I have to break out of this fucking malaise and throw myself into a self-improvement challenge.  My standard response to something like this is to wallow around in self-pity depressing not only myself but those around me.  This time I will stand tall and follow the advice I gave R; "When you become sad about what you don't have, refocus your energy on what you want". 

Lonely Coffee

This morning I am lucky enough to sit at a table outside the coffee shop drinking Guatemalan coffee and a peach muffin.

I heard a motorbike in the distance and my heart quickened as I thought for a moment that R might be meeting me for coffee.  But it was not her and in all likelihood she would not meet me for coffee for a very long time, if ever.  She ships out to boot camp on Tuesday and I am left with an emptiness in my heart that could quickly consume me if I do not take immediate steps to refocus my mind.  There is no question that I will be sad; it is more a question about the severity of the depression that is sure to envelope my world.  Like a recovering crack addict, I need to learn how to live without something that gave me so much happiness. 

Get Fit

It's a cold rainy day in the town square today.  Like so many mornings before, the weather reflects my mood.  I am drinking a Costa Rican La Minita coffee and eating a lemon poppyseed muffin.  Driven from my usual seat outside, I feel hot and constricted, although I do have one of the prized window seats.

She leaves Tuesday. I am preparing myself but I know that it is going to be extremely difficult.  I have committed to refocusing my energy on an intense fitness program.  I plan to lose 10 lbs before she returns from boot camp.  I also need to devote more attention to D.  She will be more sensitive to any depression resulting from R's departure.

Obligitory Post

It is a cold grey day in the town square today and the weather has relegated me to a table inside.  The Internet is down so I am typing this post from my Droid.  Today's coffee is a Tanzanian Teaberry  and I am munching on a cinnamon raisin bagel.

I enjoyed a slightly better mood yesterday but I still feel heavily burdened by my dire financial situation and R's impending departure.  However, I am focused at work and I have been attentive to D.

Drain the pond please

It's a quiet day in the town square today.  The  tourists have all gone home and only the locals come for coffee and muffins.  I am drinking Sumatrin coffee and eating an apple cinnamon muffin.  I am still able to blog from the outdoor tables but I sense those days are coming to an end.

I'm getting tired of me.  Yesterday in men's group I said I felt like I was slowly drowning.  I actually experienced a near-drowning experience while diving some years ago.  My diving friend had lent me his BC (buoyancy control) vest and I was having a grand time inflating and deflating it experiencing the full column of water.  Suddenly I could get no air from the tank and I realized that I had depleted my air supply.  I estimated my distance to shore and began to swim towards it.  I was wearing a lot of gear including the tanks and a weight belt and after each stroke I would sink a little lower in the water.  I started to think about what I had done with my life thus far.  Then panic began to set in as it became more and more difficult to gasp for air and I started to flail my arms in attempt to keep my head above the surface.  Suddenly, my friend appeared a couple of hundred feet from me and realizing what had happened yelled "Drop the weight belt!"  I reached down and un-clipped the belt and watched it sink below me.  Freed from the weight, I floated on the surface thanks to the buoyancy of my wet suit.

Today I'm fumbling for the clip but I just can't seem to find it.  I have done the rough calculations and I'm just not sure if I will make it.

Closed set

It is a sunny but brisk 44 degrees in the town square today.  I am drinking Kenyon coffee and eating a peach muffin. 

Yesrerday I had dinner with R's family including her new boyfriend.  I knew about the budding relationship but i was surprised at how far it had progressed.  I think it is a horrible idea given they are both shipping out in three weeks.  But kids will be kids and I bit my tongue.  I expect I will be seeing much less of her now but that is ok.  I am happy she is hanging out with kids her own age.

I was excited to visit a film set today as i had to pick up some equipment I lent the cinematographer. Unfortunately, it was a small closed set and i was unable to watch any of the filming. 

Closed set

It is a sunny but brisk 44 degrees in the town square today.  I am drinking Kenyon coffee and eating a peach muffin. 

Yesrerday I had dinner with R's family including her new boyfriend.  I knew about the budding relationship but i was surprised at how far it had progressed.  I think it is a horrible idea given they are both shipping out in three weeks.  But kids will be kids and I bit my tongue.  I expect I will be seeing much less of her now but that is ok.  I am happy she is hanging out with kids her own age.

I was excited to visit a film set today as i had to pick up some equipment I lent the cinematographer. Unfortunately, it was a small closed set and i was unable to watch any of the filming. 

Think like an ostrich

It feels like an early Fall day in the town square today.  The sky is overcast and spitting light drops of rain.  I am drinking Tanzanian teaberry coffee and eating an apple muffin. 

Yesterday I had to drop off paperwork with the IRS agent assigned to my case.  It was a sobering visit that highlighted my financial incompetence and lack of discipline.  My current strategy of sticking my head in the sand and hoping the problem would go away did nothing more then exacerbate the situation and I need to get serious about resolving it once and for all.

R's ship date for boot camp was delayed a week.  I have mixed feelings on this.  Last night she was out with some other Marine recruits and never said good night (indicating she was home).  She's a big girl though and I have to learn to worry less.

Feeling like Fall

It is a beautiful sunny day in the town square today and the temperature is a brisk 50 degrees.  I am enjoying a strong Colombian coffee and a peach muffin. 

Last night at mens group I was reminded how lucky I am to be married to D. 

Got Art?

This morning I am enjoying a home-pulled, four-shot mocha at Cafe Dirk while watching a sappy rags to riches movie with D.  I am counting the clichés for added entertainment.

For some unknown reason I am enjoying an unexpected dose of serotonin which almost always results in me thinking about my life and daring to believe in possibility.   I'm sure that will pass though and I can dedicate my time to what is truly important; such as satisfying the IRS agent responsible for collecting my back taxes.  He's a funny guy.  "Do you have any expensive artwork you could sell?" Makes me laugh. 

She leaves for bootcamp Oct 1.  While I will feel her absence in the core of my heart, it is best for the both of us. 

God's Plan

 Monday night I was two beers into an evening of self pity and regret.  I was, in fact, considering what I would do if I should become completely hopeless.  As I sat in front of the TV, wallowing in depression, I received the text that would kick-off a week of tragedy and sadness.  Suddenly my mind was focused on someone else; someone that I would never see again.  

Friday morning, I was standing standing in the church talking to my brother-in-law waiting for the service to start.  Looking at me through his thick glasses, he placed his hand on my shoulder and in a somber tone, with all the compassion he could muster, said “God has a plan”.  As I considered his statement, he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped the perspiration from his upper lip.  The temperature in the church was likely 100 degrees or more and I adjusted my necktie seeking relief from the sweltering heat.

“Yes he does” I said dispassionately staring off in the distance.  What I wanted to say was “Let me see if I have this straight…  God planned for my nephew Steven to be born with a defective brain that caused him to suffer from depression and anxiety.  God thought it would be a good idea for him to marry a young lady just two years ago and become a father to her three year old son, when the ultimate plan was for Steven to stick a 9 MM Glock into his mouth and pull the trigger leaving the wife with no husband and the boy with no father?  God’s plan sucks”.

Who am I?

I once heard a story about a disgruntled passenger arguing with a gate attendant. Enraged he finally shouted at her "Do you know who I am?".  She calmly replied "One moment please" and reached for her intercom.  "Attention passengers, we have a gentlemen that apparently does not know how he is.  Can anybody help him?"

I don't know who I am these days; and worse, I don't know who I want to be.  I live this oh-so-typical suburban life but yearn for something different.  This desire results in me making poor choices that further exacerbate my discontent.  I want to forget all my problems and lead a live free of responsibility.  I feel like a coward; weak and selfish.  It is times like this that I begin to embrace Darwinism and disavow my belief in God.  In Darwin's world, the survivors had not use for morals. 

PS.  She enlisted today...  Time to harden my heart.  I never should have let her in.

Drill Baby, Drill

This morning I am enjoying my coffee in my home town.  I have a dental cleaning next door at 7:30.  I do not mind getting my teeth cleaned.  Not a big fan of dental repairs, but I actually find dental hygiene relaxing. 

D is feeling a bit down these days.  Flo has been hounding her relentlessly, sometimes for 2 - 3 weeks a month.  Fucking sucks.  She had a Mirena installed but that doesn't seem to help.  Ugh...

Gardening

It is a spectacular late spring morning in the town square today.  I drove my Jeep into town for the first time enjoying the brilliant sunshine and cool morning air.  When I am behind the wheel of my trusty steed, I feel calm and liberated.  The open air and simple nature of the vehicle makes for a cathartic experience. 

Friday we moved B back to college where he will reside for the next ten weeks.  It was odd moving him in when everyone else is moving out.  D is not taking his summer plans well; I don't mind as he is being incredibly responsible. 

Saturday was work and yesterday we literally spent the entire day putting a garden in.  I feel pretty good today, other then nursing some some sore muscles.

Get to work.

It is a spectacular day in the town square this morning.  I am sitting outside the coffee shop watching the town come alive.  The starlings are flitting around picking up the scraps of muffins and bagels that the patrons drop to the cobblestone sidewalk.  I am heading to work in a few minutes to make up for taking Wednesday off to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary with D in Boston.

I  am feeling better in recent days.  I have not taken any more pills and didn't really see a huge benefit from my recent adderall experiment. 

D is stressed that I have to work on the weekend and that B is staying at college for most of the summer.  We dropped him off at his summer dorm yesterday and he will not be back till August.  I am twice as stressed as a result.

Get over it

With every moment that passes my heart hardens.  Soon I won't care anymore.  Awesome...

Beer and a movie

It is a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I'm sitting in front of the TV watching a movie appropriately titled "Wrist Cutters" while drinking beer and wallowing in my depression.  I have plenty to do, but zero motivation to get it done.

I have moved on to another movie "Sirens" and my outlook on life has definitely improved except I have to piss and I'm to lazy to get up.  Movie sucks so far, but bare breasts are promised so I shall tough it out.  I'm currently thinking the word "nubile" is pretty cool.  Also, any movie with Hugh Grant is worthy of some hopeful optimism.

Yeah, that didn't work out...  On to "Frankie and Johnny"...  Pretty decent flick.

Amphetamine/dextroamphetamine

I can't fucking stand myself right now so I took the pill.  Am I weak?  Perhaps...  I have been here before though and it worked out ok.  Perhaps now I can focus on getting some shit done.  I will go see the doc to make it all legal if it has lasting effects.

Take a pill?

It's a cold, gray day in the town square today.  I'm sitting inside in a seat by the window.  I look out at the people passing by on the cobblestone sidewalk and wonder if any of them are particularly happy this morning. If they are, why?  I guess we should rule out the ones that are on medication, smoked crack or just screwed the person they are having an affair with. I'm talking about people that are naturally happy.

I have a bottle full of amphetamines that I have been looking at longingly.  The medication is a couple years old, but I suspect it would still give me a pretty good buzz.  I won't take it though.  I already have one addictive problem, I don't need another. 

Yesterday D and I took A (our dog) for a walk at a large conservation area located next to the bay.  Featuring large wooded areas and rolling fields, it offers great views and hiking trails along the rocky coast.  I was pretty quiet but when we sat to take in the views, I talked about my depression.  I feel conflicted talking to D about my melancholy mood as I don't want to make her sad or anxious.  But, I need to talk to someone.  She listened patiently and I felt better as I described my persistent sadness.

Earlier in the day, we had both received an email from A's mother (our young protege) indicating that she met with A's recruiter and felt that she had to support A's desire to join the Marines as A would be 18 in June and there was little doubt she would sign up.  I replied that I was in agreement and that we should continue helping A to explore the underlying motivation that was driving her towards this incredibly bad decision.  Both D and I were feeling the reality of A's approaching enlistment date in June but neither of us wanted to talk about it.  We both feel the pain of opening our hearts only to be subjected to the impending pain of loss, the degree of which could be extreme.

Suffer on

I don't like myself these days... 

Lately I have been wondering if I am subconsciously trying to sabotage my life.  I have no appreciation for my good fortune and I often think about living a simpler life devoid of responsibility.  What better way to realize this stupid fantasy than to lose my job and my family.  What does it take for one to develop an appreciation for what they have and to stop chasing that which fails to satisfy?  How does one conjure up the motivation to act more responsibly?  I don't accept mediocrity in others, why do I accept it in myself? 

Yesterday a local young man lost his life in a horrible accident.  I was a bit jealous.  I won't pull the trigger, but I wouldn't duck from the bullet.  Until I develop an appreciation for my life, I will continue to suffer. 

So weak

Recently I read a great quote - "Depression is living in the past, anxiety is living in the future, serenity is living in the present".  I feel the negative effects of not living in the present almost every moment of every day.  My unhappiness is further exacerbated knowing that I will make poor decisions in the future that will result in a past that I am less than proud of.  I feel weak, undisciplined and apathetic, unable to put in the effort that will result in a past that I can feel good about.  I recently described my decision-making as analogous to getting on a train destined for a wreck.  Unable to stop myself, I purchase the ticket, step aboard and foolishly believe that somehow I will avoid the wreck.  I need to avoid the train station...

Love Noco

Sunday I went up to North with J.  We started with coffee in our favorite northern NH town, did a little shopping and sight-seeing, then went for a moderate hike.  We enjoyed a free lunch (courtesy of one of his friends) and I had my first fish taco with was fabulous.  The conversation flowed easily and we both enjoyed our day.  It was nice to spend some time with him.

I continue to act irresponsibly on a couple of different fronts and I am really beating myself up.  I just can't find the  motivation to work more and manage my finances properly and I am fiscally irresponsible which makes my financial situation even worse.  I am not living my life in a manner that reflects my core belief system which makes me feel weak.  I am going to take steps to change this. 

Avoiding the collision

I am drawn to indie movies that portray the pain and joy of intimate relationships, especially tragic and or complicated ones.  Is it just voyeurism, or perhaps something more? When one feels empty inside, they search for something to make them feel better.  When I watch a good movie, I forget about my painfully ordinary life and immerse myself into the adrenaline-generating alternate world on the flickering screen.  My own life has become incredibly complicated resembling the oh-so-typical lead character that alternates between chasing fantasy and attempting to maintain a seemingly normal life.  In most cases, a life-changing event slaps the character back to reality in a painful and dramatic fashion.  Can I beat the odds?  Can I maneuver my way back to the slow lane before the collision?

Time in school

I am incredibly anxious today.  I am dealing with stress relative to the triangle, and the bills just keep piling up. I can almost feel an ulcer forming in my abdomen. Once I have been diagnosed with said ailment, my doctor will likely tell me I have to quit drinking coffee, which I don't want to do.  I suppose I should reduce my caffeine intake now and maybe that will help reduce my anxiety.

Ysterday I spent a good part of the day at B's college waiting to pick him up.  I was working from the coffee shop and it was really nice watching the students interact with each other and their professors. I feel very comfortable in the collegiate  atmosphere.

Spring thaw?

As the North Church bell peals out eight o'clock, I walk to the coffee shop wearing shorts and sandals.  It is a bit chilly this morning but only because temperatures have been in the eighties all week. Forecasters are saying that these warm temperatures are a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  I am glad I never bothered to get the sled squared away as the window for good trail riding was only open for about thirty days and that was only in the northernmost part of New England.

My mood has definitely improved lately.  Certainly spring has a major impact on my depression; but I think I am starting to come to terms with another issue that has been making me very anxious.  I am starting to understand and accept that desire, especially for things that really are not important (and in same cases possibly very harmful) underlies much of my suffering.  I study the Buddhist teachings and while I believe in the core philosophy, I do not embrace it as fully as I should.  Instead, I engage in risky behavior that offers sensorial pleasure but violates my core beliefs.  In  other words, I am weak and I need to become stronger. 

I fucked up

D and I had a good talk last night.  We are doing much better today.  I am still hurting from the incident, especially the threat to walk out, but I am confident time will heal the wounds.  I talked about the day in my men's group and they all agreed that I fucked up.  I guess I am so used to getting my way I forget that many woman have far less tolerance for their husband's bullshit than D does. I apologized to D and took responsibility for my thoughtlessness.  I guess we will have to see how things go the next time I am away from her.

I predicted it

I lost my shit last night.  I have not been that angry in a very long time. 

Yesterday I marched with the cadet group in a massive St Patrick's Day parade.  It was a long day and I was nervous about what kind of mood D would be in when I returned home.  In the days preceding the parade I tried to convince her to go with me, but in the end she chose to stay home.  I clearly expressed my concerns about how she would react to me going and how I worried she would be resentful.

"D, are you sure you want  me to go?  I don't want you to be upset with me.  I don't have to go."

"No, you should go, I will be fine"

At 4:00 I sent her a text that the parade had just ended and that my phone battery was dying.  She said she was fine.  At 7:00 I sent her a text that I was heading home and she started melting down.  I explained to her how we had to get from the parade end point back to the North End, we had dinner, then I had to wait for parents to pick up their kids.  But she wasn't listening.  The rest of the night got progressively worse and by 11:00 her bags were packed and I was trying to get her to understand that we may not recover from her walking out. 

"Do you think you will just come back and everything will be ok? If you walk out that door it means that you are throwing away thirty years of marriage.  Don't think that everything will work out if you put me through this.  I don't know if I could recover from that level of pain."

She doesn't trust me.  

She loves me?

"Sometimes, when I  am at work,  I miss you so much."  I was genuinely surprised when D said this to me a few days ago.  I am so broken that I cannot believe that anyone, even my wife, would truly love me.  Instead, I feel like there is a man out there that would be a better husband to D than I am, but she settles for me.

I am so tired...  I have wallowed in depression for so much of my life; it becomes harder and harder to bounce back.  I search for the magic solution to my woes, but in my heart,  I realize that success is a result of a lot of hard work and sacrifice, neither of which I am particularly fond of.  It is much easier  to simply say "I'm depressed, I can't do XXXX" then to make the changes that will improve my situation. 

Grow up Dirk.

"I don't want to talk right now."

"Ok"

Her reason for not wanting to talk probably had nothing to do with me.  But nevertheless, my great mood vanished and I was left wondering.  I logged myself off and went back to my workout.  I know the act of signing out was passive-aggressive, but I didn't care.  I was pissed and I wanted her to know it.  Perhaps I'm being childish.  What motivates me to act this way?  Perhaps I think her sour mood is about me.  It's my Damned insecurities. This type of behavior causes real problems in my life.

I logged back into the messaging system.  "I'm going back to bed" waited for me.  Her mood had nothing to do with me.  I need to grow up.

Fear

It's cold in the town square this morning.  The snow is still piled high, but during the day it has been  melting away revealing the black grime that paints the square grey.  The sky is cloudless, the sun shines bright.  The lanyards clang against the flag pole buffeted by the brisk north wind.

I sit, ensconced in the warmth of the cafe, looking out the front window, thinking about the dread that has preoccupied my mind in recent months.  Perhaps fear is the root cause of my anxiety.  Fear that I am not good enough.  That I did not try hard enough.  Fear that I should have made better decisions. 

I remember a time when I felt this fear before.  I was scuba diving with a friend when I realized I was out of air.  I made my way to the surface and began to swim towards shore.  As I calculated the distance, I began to realize that I would not make it.  My head began to sink lower with every stroke as I struggled for breath.  Suddenly, my friend seeing my predicament yelled, "Drop your weight belt".  I fumbled for the latch, my head sinking below the  water.  Releasing the  belt, I popped to the surface and gasped for air.  "I didn't want to lose your belt." I said as he swam over.

"Better to lose a belt then your life" he replied.

Lord,  please show me the latch...  I  am ready to let it go.

Too many holes, not enough time

I feel like the little dutch boy with more holes than fingers.  Complicate that with a lack of motivation and nothing gets done.  Saturday I spent a good portion of the day watching movies.  I could do it again today easily.  I know I sound like a whiny bitch, but this blog is one of my few opportunities to vent.

Last night A came over with her brother and oldest step-brother.  The house comes alive when we have kids over and I enjoy it  so much.  Once I break free from this depression I really have to think about other ways to mentor kids.  The cadet group continues to be stressful and I am not sure it is the best venue.  I really want to get involved with a foster home that keeps kids long term. 

Eff Me

My brother in-law was rushed to the hospital with severe anemia.  Apparently he is bleeding internally and the doctors cannot locate the source.  He could die... 

I'm a little jealous in a twisted sort of way.  Severe depression will do that to you.  I am ready for death... Just not self induced.  I fucking hate life right now.  I have moments where it is tolerable...  But fuck...  It should not be this hard.  It is a beautiful morning with snow covered trees and that soft silence that follows a good snow storm.  But I am not able to enjoy it.  I try not to think about my depression, but it just creeps in and takes over my thoughts.  Fucking A....

Put a smile on

I wonder how many people wake up in a good mood?  I feel so miserable these days.  It is an incredible effort to keep myself moving forward.  I try not to think about how I feel, but I can feel the darkness throughout the day.  At this point I don't even enjoy talking to A.  I am doing what I have to do though.  Hopefully this malaise will pass soon.

Spring Break Alternative

Dear B,

Once again you are embarking on a mission to help others less fortunate than you.  You have so many options available, yet you choose the one that requires hard work, sacrifice and selflessness.  Who would have known that the little boy that spent so much time in front of video games, would grow into such a kind, caring young man that places the needs of others ahead of his own.  You make me proud son.  

You have overcome tremendous odds in your life to become the person you are today.  Your work ethic, honesty and integrity illuminate your soul for all to see.  When I get tired, or lack motivation to work, I think of who you will become one day and my energy is renewed.  I picture you sitting in the front row of class, listening to the professor as he/she fills your mind with knowledge that you will one day use for the benefit of others.

I know that you have been considering your career options and as I think about your challenge of choosing a future profession, I am reminded of a parable that I often think about:

In Matthew 25:14-30, Jesus told a story about a master who had three servants. He was going on a trip, so he called the servants to him. He gave each of them some money. To one servant, he gave five bags of gold, to another he gave two bags of gold, and to another he gave one bag of gold. He wanted his servants to make good use of his money. He wanted them to multiply what they had into even more. After a long time, the master returned home. He called his servants to him to see what they had done with the money. The first servant whom had been given five bags of gold had doubled it—he now had ten bags of gold! The master was so pleased. He said, “Well done, good and faithful servant!” The man who had started with two bags of gold now had four! He also received praise from his master. But the man who had been given one bag of gold had hidden his money. He told his master that he was afraid of what might happen, so he dug a hole and buried the money in the ground! The master was not at all pleased with this servant. He told the servant that he had been unwise and lazy.

Today I challenge you to dedicate some time to think about what you will do with your gold.  Take a few moments this week to think about how you might use the talents God has given you.  Do not let your fears dictate your future.  Instead, envision who you want to be, then prepare to work through the challenges that lie between you and the realization of your greatest dreams.  Look into the eyes of the people you are serving and think about how you can help improve their lives.  The inspiration you seek is all around you.  Look and you will find it.

I love you B.  Have a great week!

Dad

Getting what you asked for

Dear Lord, please help me find opportunities to work so I can pay my bills.

Dear Lord, thanks for the additional clients.

Dear Lord, can I just have the money please?

I have gotten soft over the years working 30 - 40 hours a week.  Now that I am working over 60 hours a week, I realize how easy I had it.  I don't mind giving up the personal time; it is the toll it takes on my relationship with Di that hurts.  She is supportive, but clearly dislikes not having me around.

I need big money...  I have to dream bigger...

Dirk

You can't always get what you want.

Monday nights, I leave my men's group feeling grateful for my life in comparison to the challenges my fellow group members face.  But within moments, I am back to feeling almost ambivalent about my life.  Right this moment I just feel numb.  It's not that I don't notice the sunrise... There is no sunrise; not for me.  I am confident this feeling of malaise will pass, but I am growing increasingly concerned that much of it stems from my desire for that which I cannot have.  I remember writing at one point about how I almost missed depression because  of the strong emotions it spurned.  Now I am constantly wrestling with very powerful emotions and I am mentally drained.  I think I need a break.  I  just feel so much pressure that I often visualize myself literally exploding.  "Guts and entrails everywhere" I recently commented.

Questional motivation yields positive results

It is amazing the impact that A has had on D and me.  Historically, when D was mad, whether at me or otherwise, I got mad back at her, usually raising the intensity and often storming away from her.  In my desire to maintain the peace and keep A in our life, I have improved my listening skills, become more empathetic and learned to get D to talk about why she is upset.  Sometimes it is about me, sometimes it is about the triangle, but it is often just simple solvable issues that we can talk through.

A's mom has refused to sign the paperwork for her to sign up early so she will likely be in our lives till September.  She is really pissed at her Mom now and I hate watching her act that way. I feel a strong desire to begin pulling away from her but I am resisting it.  I remain hopeful that she will change her mind or she will be unable to enlist.  I met with her and her therapist yesterday and  they both agreed to probe more deeply into the underlying motivations behind her decision.  Whenever A talks about enlisting I become extremely anxious.  I know she is excited about becoming a Marine,  but listening to her talk about it just crushes me emotional.  I am trying to find a balance but it has not been easy.

D and I had been talking about adopting or foster care but this new challenge with A has completely soured me to that idea.  Perhaps it is time to look forward to becoming a Grandfather and let go of active parenting.

An arms length

Now I remember why I don't let people in.  It was a painful lesson I learned as a child.  I wish I had never met her.  She turned my life upside down and now she's walking out.  But I am left with this perfectly acceptable life.  Guess I will just have to get used to "acceptable" again.  Thankfully, Pavlovian logic suggests that I won't have to endure this type of loss again.

Let go, let God

Anxiety is the predominant emotion for me as of late.  I wake up anxious, work anxious and got to sleep anxious.  I have many reasons to be anxious, many of which I could reduce or eliminate with the proper amount of effort.  Money, or lack of, underlies most of my anxiety.  Which is ironic because I make really good money given my education.  But I am determined to fund B's education from cash flow and the resulting reduction in available fundalage provokes anxiety. 

I am not a fan of religion, but I am becoming more of a believer in a higher power that is worthy of my attention.  While lacking faith, I have been praying for opportunities to reduce my financial burdens either through work or other means.  I am finding more opportunities to realize that goal and for that I am thankful to God.  I find it difficult to even say God.  Makes me feel like an evangelist, which I am most decidedly not.   But, the reality is that I do feel like my prayers were answered.  "They" say, "let go, let God"...  I feel just a little bit less anxious now.

But, it's not hers to break, right?

"I have something important to talk to you about."  
"Oh yeah?" I replied holding the phone closer to my ear.
"Yeah, but not till I see you tomorrow". 
"Ok".  I was very anxious about the subject of our conversation. I knew she had something from her past that troubled her, but she had been unable to discuss with me thus far.  I wondered what it was.

The next day we climbed  to the top of the hill.  The view of Boston was magnificent.  A cold winter wind chilled us as we shivered next to each other.
"What's on your mind?" I asked looking her with soft eyes.
She looked off in the distance.  "I've been trying to find a way to tell you this.  It's so hard though"
I looked towards Boston.  "Your going into the Marines."
She hesitated, still looking away.  "Yes"
 

Seasonal Affect Disorder?

It is a cold grey day in the town square today . Coffee and a muffin at the cafe has done little to improve my melancholy disposition. 

I'm not really interested in writing these days...  I suppose that is why I must. 

D and I had a good day yesterday.  We took A for a walk on the beach and talked through the events of the past week or so.  It has become clear to me that while we may be facing some midlife hormonal issues with D, I also contribute to the caustic atmosphere with my rancorous nature.  She is simply less tolerant of my bullshit. 

I have been experiencing greater and greater loss of memory.  I have always had a problem with retrieving information from my dysfunctional brain, but now I am forgetting really basic knowledge such as friends names.  I have to focus on exercises that rebuild my broken synapses and failing hippocampus. Writing will certainly help.

Let's argue some more

It's lightly snowing in the town square today.  We have only had one storm this year and that was back in October.

D and I are in the middle of a very serious, emotionally charged argument, yet I am amazingly calm.  I am pretty frustrated with her at this point though.  I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells around her and my stomach is often in a knot.  I am not sure if we are going to survive this round.  I have not considered that possibility for a long time, but she seems unable to resolve some trust issues that are completely undeserved and I am at a loss for  how to move forward.  I am just tired of having to defend myself against her unwarranted paranoia.  If we do split up, I have no interest in being with anyone else.  I think I would be happier alone.  It is so amazing that we are suddenly at this place when we were closer then ever before.  Once again I have learned the lesson to not let myself be vulnerable.  

Resolutions? Not really...

Yesterday I embarked on what I hope will be a life changing journey.  I vowed to think positive, work harder/smarter and not let the little stuff get me down.  I made a sizable dent in my thank you cards (from my 50th birthday party a month ago) and avoided Clickerville altogether.  I am also determined to resolve my financial woes and am once again thinking big. 

A has become part of our family and spends most weekends with us and sometimes stays with us during the week.  She has had a profound impact on D and I, and we on her.  She is no longer going into the Marines but has applied to multiple colleges instead.  At my behest, she took here SAT's a second time and improved her score significantly. 

D and the boys are doing well.  D continues to lose weight and improve her appearance.  J is  working as a landscaper but unfortunately does not get paid if it doesn't snow.  B is doing well at school and maintains a relationship with his girlfriend S.