Monday nights, I leave my men's group feeling grateful for my life in comparison to the challenges my fellow group members face. But within moments, I am back to feeling almost ambivalent about my life. Right this moment I just feel numb. It's not that I don't notice the sunrise... There is no sunrise; not for me. I am confident this feeling of malaise will pass, but I am growing increasingly concerned that much of it stems from my desire for that which I cannot have. I remember writing at one point about how I almost missed depression because of the strong emotions it spurned. Now I am constantly wrestling with very powerful emotions and I am mentally drained. I think I need a break. I just feel so much pressure that I often visualize myself literally exploding. "Guts and entrails everywhere" I recently commented.
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