Suffer on

I don't like myself these days... 

Lately I have been wondering if I am subconsciously trying to sabotage my life.  I have no appreciation for my good fortune and I often think about living a simpler life devoid of responsibility.  What better way to realize this stupid fantasy than to lose my job and my family.  What does it take for one to develop an appreciation for what they have and to stop chasing that which fails to satisfy?  How does one conjure up the motivation to act more responsibly?  I don't accept mediocrity in others, why do I accept it in myself? 

Yesterday a local young man lost his life in a horrible accident.  I was a bit jealous.  I won't pull the trigger, but I wouldn't duck from the bullet.  Until I develop an appreciation for my life, I will continue to suffer.