Make me sad?

In some weird, twisted way, I miss my depression.  The thing about being an active depressive, is that you experience really powerful emotions.  The  part about wanting to harm yourself kinda sucks...  But I miss feeling something that evokes strong emotions, even something that sucks!  My life is great...  I am incredibly fortunate...  But fuck, it is boring as shit.  I really need to find something to fill this void. 

Ok, enough about me and my pathetic whining.  My brother and sister in-law once again booted out my 19 year-old nephew.  The problem now, is that winter is upon us and it is frigging cold out.  Supposedly he is living in his car.  I was 17 when my Dad left me on my own, so I know what it is like.  I always had a good work ethic and the ability to get jobs pretty easily.  My nephew does not share those characteristics with me.  I will  reach out to him and do what  I can.  Unfortunately, he stole from us when he was last at our house so staying with us, even as respite is not an option.

Plowing with an antique

Last night we received about eight inches of heavy, wind-blown snow.  This morning, I plowed out my driveway as well as my neighbors.  J helped me out and we had it done in an hour or so.  It is so nice to plow instead of snow-blowing.  I also enjoy running my 37 year-old jeep even though it can be a pain such as when the windshield wipers stopped working this morning.  I really wish I had the hard top for it as well.  I  don't mind the cold, but it can be tough to see when the wind is blowing snow in my eyes.

I became irritable during  the snow removal process and I need to really work on controlling my emotions when I am working with J.  He is really a great help, but I can't seem to help getting annoyed at every little thing he does.  Saturday, at my in-laws Christmas party, I had more then one person remark how much J had changed for the better.  I am very proud of him.  I certainly wish more for him in terms of his career and some of his decision making...  But I feel really good about the man he has become.

D's Christmas Card

Dear D,

 Recently, I had the opportunity to share some thoughts about how a married couple maintains a loving, lasting relationship.  As I began to think about my response, it occurred to me that I might not be able to offer the best advice, because I had the incredible fortune to marry an exceptional woman.  Not a day goes by that I don't consider how you love me unconditionally, through good times and bad; sometimes when I do not deserve such fidelity.  You are my best friend and a pillar of support without whom I would most assuredly be less of a man then I am today. 

Dirk

Going senile?

It is Christmas Eve morning and I am sitting at my old coffee shop as my regular source for morning caffeine is completely full.  I just picked up my truck after a $450 repair that resulted from a foolish mistake on my part.  This mistake has me concerned about my cognitive reasoning abilities and I wonder if I am getting a glimpse into my future decision-making.  In other words, am I losing my mind?  Oh well, I just have to pay more attention to what I am doing.

I am heading to work after my coffee.  B's tuition apparently does not recognize the birth of Jesus Christ and still  must be paid even though it is going to a Catholic college. 

Happy Holidays Everyone!

It's cold outside

I grew up in an old house that was very drafty with a cranky heating system that would distribute warm air to the first floor.  We had no heat on the second and third floors and I can remember many a night when I could see my breath in the hazy glow of the lone light bulb dangling from my ceiling.  Often, when I could bear the cold no longer, I would softly creep downstairs with a blanket and pillow to lay on the one heat register, located in the front hallway, that would push warm air up the stairway to the second floor.  Basking in the warmth of the oil-fired heater, I would  fall into a blissful slumber until the grate of the register would heat up, causing me to wake up in a fright.  Feeling guilty about impeding the flow of warmth to the rest of my family, I would stumble back to bed, pull the mound of sheets and covers up over my head, and attempt to stay warm for the rest of the night.

Some good, some not so good...

Yesterday I picked up B at school and now he will be home with us for almost a month.  It was great to spend some time with him.  He said that finals went well and his overall grades are very good.  We talked a bit about graduate school.  I think his current school choices are a bit low, but I suspect he will become more ambitious as he works his way through undergrad studies.  I am constantly amazed that someone with my background raised a child that might one day earn the honor of being called "Doctor".  

On my way to pick up B, I met my 19 year-old nephew C for coffee and spent a couple of hours with him.  He recently spent three days in jail and is now trying to get his life back on track.  He has a severe drug problem but claims that he is currently clean.  He looks horrible and I can see that he is struggling physically and emotionally.  I  hope that our conversation was helpful; he said it was.  His Dad has some major control issues and I can see  the emotional scarring he has left on the boy.  I told him to keep reaching out to his Dad and to try not battle with him so much.  I wish I could do more...  I think J and I are going to go to a snowmobile race with C and his dad.  I am convinced that parents have to spend time with their kids, especially teens, away from home where the control wars are less intense and the child is on a more equal footing.

Bet, Check or Fold

If I just start typing, an idea for an update will pop into my head...  Waiting... Any time now... Hmmmmm.... I have lots of idea's, but they either suck, or I have whined about them enough already.

Well, there is this one issue...  The other day at work, I overheard a discussion in the cube next to me.  An employee that I know pretty well was inviting a new employee to a regular poker game.  I, have never been invited to this poker game.  I have previously talked to a friend of mine (who worked for this client briefly) about my relationship with the employees at this firm, and he said that everyone viewed me as "important" or "executive".  I never really saw myself as "important", at this company, just a mid-level IT guy trying  to keep all the systems working.  So now I am wondering (again) how the people I work with at this company perceive me.  I thought I was friends with the poker-playing dude, but yet I was not invited to his game.  I am not completely distraught over this, but I am more then a bit curious.  Years ago I would have taken this very hard, as a sign that I was not "likable".  But I know that is not the case.  I would like to know why I am not invited to the game though...

Gimme Snow!

I know I am in  the extreme minority, but this weather sucks!  It is currently 50 degrees and we could see 60 today!  Saturday, J and I drove three hours to East Burke VT to watch a snowmobile snocross race.  It was nice to be immersed in 20 degree temps and over a foot of snow on the ground.  Hanging with J for the day was pretty cool as well. 

Yesterday I had my annual pilgrimage to my Dad's house to celebrate Christmas.  The day was uneventful, other then my pseudo-stepbrother telling me that his wife was leaving him.  That sucks...  I don't feel emotionally wrenched though as is usually the case when I spend time with my Dad.

Test rider

I  spent close to an hour this past weekend trying to calibrate the two digital thermometers I have at home.  Today I was rewarded for my effort as both units displayed the same temperature...  7 degrees Fahrenheit.  Add a slight breeze and we are close to zero.  Tomorrow I am going to a snowmobile snocross race with J in Burke Mountain VT.  I think it is safe to say that winter is upon us and it is only a matter of time till we get our first significant snowfall.

The other day I was telling D that I have no memories of celebrating Christmas during my childhood.  I do recall one Christmas morning where my primary concern was attempting a test ride of my little bmx bike that I had spent many, many hours repairing.  We were not a family of means, so I had to build all my bikes from parts that I scrounged or purchased with my paper route money.  This particular Christmas Eve, we received eighteen inches of snow, so my parents would not let me ride my bike on the freshly plowed roads.  With great anticipation I pushed and pulled it through snowdrifts and plow banks, over to the local synagogue parking lot, located a couple of blocks from our house  Using a trash barrel, I cleared a short little track for my test ride.  The bike worked well and that is what I remember about Christmas that year.

Inspire me

Lately, writing has been difficult and I often sit staring at the laptop screen blankly, my fingers poised on the keyboard, my mind searching for some inspiration.  Today I went back and looked at my blog entries from three years ago hoping to stimulate my creative juices.  I find it interesting that while my circumstances have changed, my current daily thoughts are more or less the same as they were three years ago.  I no longer suffer from severe depression, my finances are stable, I have addressed my issues with the IRS, I am able to pay B's tuition and my family is doing well.  Now I am just a bit bored.  I am seriously considering starting a new cadet unit working with the USMC reserve company.  I know that I will introduce a major amount of stress into my life but maybe that is a good thing.  I have come to the realization that stress is not necessarily bad; it depends on how we react to it.  I would be doing a great thing for a group of kids and I would be doing what I love.  Hehehe...  Famous last words?

Imagine

Throreau said you should "Live the life you've imagined."  When I was growing up, I really did not have a vision for my adult life.  I was very disconnected from my family and most of my childhood revolved around coping with trauma.  As I grew older, I began to imagine myself as a "good" man focused on family, community and career.  I think many would agree that I have realized my dream of living as a "good" man, but now I imagine something more.  My realm of possibility has expanded, but remains confined within present-day boundaries.  The barriers inhibiting the realization of my upgraded imagination are many, but start with the uncertainty of what I really want, and the obligation to pay for B's college tuition.  So I probably will not be going to Kampala Uganda to help the residents with their water and sewer problems. 

So now that I have ruled out Africa as the land of my future endeavors, where should I focus my talent and energy?  Most would say I should grow my business.  There is definitely a significant value to financial stability.  But look at all the hard-working people that scrimped and saved so they could invest for their future.  In an instant, many lost more then half of their savings.  And what did they give up to accumulate their wealth?  Clearly I need  to strike a balance between finances and "living" life.  I guess I will have to help the Ugandans in my spare time. 

Trim the tree

This year we purchased a real tree on which we hung a massive number of ornaments that we have accumulated over the years.  It is a family tradition for the D, B, J and me to decorate the tree together.  However, I have never experienced a year where I was lucky enough experience a happy mood concurrent with our adornment festivities.  This year was no different but at least I was not in a bad mood.  I have to wonder if I did not experience some event in my childhood that causes me to struggle with my mood during the holiday season.  I seem to have an especially difficult time decorating the tree and I can't think of any good reason why.

I have been writing bits and pieces of my screenplay.  Coincidentally, D and I had breakfast Friday at the exact restaurant I was thinking of when I imagined meeting the fictional object of my desire.  I actually looked into the kitchen a few times to see if there might be a woman  that resembled my character.  

The next Spielberg?

I have this new morning routine that I think I am going to like.  I get up at 5:00, take J to work, then go to the office for 6:00.  I work a couple of hours before heading out for coffee.  I like getting to the coffee shop a little later as I am more likely to run into people that I know.  Plus, the first few hours at work are generally very productive and I can watch a movie while I work.

Lately I have been thinking more seriously about writing a short screen play.  The quality of my writing is very poor, but that doesn't really matter when your writing character dialogue.  I am very attracted to dark, gritty, off-beat movies with unexpected endings. This morning I watched "The Good Heart" on Netflix and I was completely blown away.  This was one of the best movies I have ever seen.

I have been considering writing a movie about a middle-aged, reasonably successful man, with a tragic past, that works his way through some very difficult experiences and ultimately learns how to elicit a modicum of satisfaction from life.  Armed with a new-found confidence, he finds himself exploring many new things including relationships with woman other then his wife.  He ultimately turns his life upside down, giving up everything that is important to him, believing he has found his soul mate.  His new found soul mate is a strong-willed, man-hating, unpredictable lesbian in her late twenties, also with a tragic past, covered in tattoos and piercings with a biting sarcasm and nasty outlook on life.  She slings hash at a popular breakfast spot and plots to sleep with the man to prove to her girlfriend that she is a true lesbian (it's complicated).  When the man declines her invitation for sex, (attempting to remain faithful) but offers an intimate, but platonic friendship, she agrees, hoping that she will ultimately prove her true sexual orientation to her female partner.  They agree that they will be 100% honest with each other about EVERYTHING, hold nothing back, no white lies: "Yes, you look fat in that dress" kind of honesty.  What follows is a roller-coaster of a relationship that ultimately results in a passion-filled, tumultuous, albeit confused sexual encounter (think "Unfaithful") in the restaurant kitchen that is interrupted by her soon-to-be ex-partner. Following, he leaves his wife, she leaves her partner and they both move to a seedy loft in the city where they attempt to make a life together. I won't tell you the ending, but remember that I don't like the audience leaving happy.  Fuck them...  It is my movie, not theirs...

Responsibility

This past weekend was a short one as I worked Saturday.  Sunday, J and I worked on removing an engine from a donor Trans Am that is destined for my Jeep.  We got along well and  it was a productive day.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the situation between my sister and our father.  My sisters mental health is not improving and I don't expect it will unless she can reconcile with her past.  I am considering embarking on a quest that will ultimately result in her meeting with our father to confront him for the purpose of resolving her trauma.  I am personally struggling with my relationship with my father because I hold him responsible for my sisters condition.  I believe that he committed a horrible deed  for which  he has never accepted the responsibility and or consequences.  Lately I have been somewhat obsessed with the question "What if he didn't do what he has been accused of"?  I think that it is time that I talk with him directly, without the cloak of vagueness.  But then I will have to deal with the consequences of his response.  What if he admits it?  What then is my responsibility?  It would appear that avoiding the entire issue is the easier path; however, as I have stated  previously, with wisdom comes responsibility.  I know the right thing to do...  I am just afraid of the consequences.

He's back

Wednesday night, J came home and had supper with D and I.  We talked through the events on Saturday and J said that his outburst was a result of a mental breakdown.  I told him that I appreciated his apology, we hugged and then he went downstairs to his room.  The next morning I took him to work and we seem to be back into our routine.

 

Shaken faith?

This past weekend stands in stark contrast to my recently renewed faith.  Saturday morning, I very nearly had a physical altercation with J, and I spent the rest of the weekend in Clickerville as a result.  "J, why were you using the tool bag that I keep in my truck?" I  asked him as he sat down to breakfast.  "Sorry Dad, I needed a socket" he replied without looking up.  "But I have asked you to not to use the tools in that bag" I said.  "Whatever Dad" he replied in a tone that indicated that he could not care less.  "What the hell" I said my voice starting to rise in pitch.  "Am I not allowed to have stuff that I can call my own that you won't leave laying all over the place?".  I could feel my temper rising and and I took a deep breath to try and regain my composure.  It was no longer about the tools.  It was about J's disdain for issues that were important to me.  D was attempting to calm the situation and she was clearly becoming very anxious.  I walked out of the room to try and calm down.  I walked back in and with a controlled tone said "You know Josh, it would be nice if you could at least acknowledge..."  "Why are you always in such a pissy mood" he shouted back before I could finish.  "What are you talking about" I yelled back.  "Can't I say anything when you don't follow the house rules" I continued.  I could feel myself losing control largely because I felt like I wasn't able to tell him how I felt about him messing with my personal property.  He had open access to all my other tools, most of which he would leave scattered all over the garage and yard.  Suddenly he jumped up from his chair and coming towards me yelled "You wanna go at it?"  "Fuck you" I screamed.  "Let's go" and I quickly stepped in front of him prepared to knock him senseless.  D began to cry and plead for us to stop and that caused me to pause for a moment and I just stood there.  "Get out" I said.  "Get the fuck out of my house".  My heart was racing and my fists were clenched.  J stepped back and turned to go downstairs screaming at me as he went.

It is three days later and he has not come back yet, but I know he will.  I am not sure how I am going to deal with this.  I am tired of giving to him and getting only shit in return.  I will likely let him stay, but our relationship is seriously damaged.  I can handle everything except the physical threatening.  In some ways I am less concerned with his provocation then my response and what I might have done.  The last time I had physical altercation with him, it was a result of my decision to put him to the floor and remind him who the alpha male was.  At that point, he was out of control, lying, stealing and extremely defiant.  My only choices were to regain control of him or let the State deal with him.  I chose the former which was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made, as the son of physically abusive parents.  This time was different though...  This time my response would have been the result of anger, not a well thought out, purposeful strategy to regain control of my son.  I don't feel real good about myself right now.

OMG! Life is good?

Yesterday was a good day.  I think I was actually happy!  Imagine that...  I have been stressed out for the past few days preparing for an important presentation.  Yesterday I bought lunch for twenty or so of my client's employees and demonstrated a new document management system I have been building for them.  The presentation went very well and I was rewarded with a tremendous sense of relief!

Following the meeting, I jumped in my car and drove over to B's college to pick him up for an appointment with his doctor.  We were able to spend the entire afternoon together and we really enjoyed each others company.  I was actually laughing and joking with him and when I dropped him off, he gave me a great hug and thanked me for everything.   

I have been praying a lot lately.  I mostly pray for a good mood, increased motivation, better discipline and for others in need.  Yesterday I felt like I was able to actually talk with God.  Maybe I am just a lunatic lost in Darwin's world, but it felt really, really good.  Like everyone else, I struggle with the overwhelming evidence that there is no God, but I know that since I started praying, my life has gotten much better.  Perhaps it is a delusional placebo affect; but even if it is, I will take it.  The true challenge to my faith will come when I face the inevitable crisis and or tragedy that will cause me to shout "How can a just God allow me to suffer like this?".  Perhaps I will even gnash my teeth...

Relief

I heard back from the IRS today and it appears that I will be able to pay my back taxes over a period of five years.  I am relieved that I will finally put this behind me as this issue has been an overarching source of anxiety for too many years.  Now I have to focus on building my business so I can pay off this debt and start saving for retirement.

Brotherly love

"I am sorry that I have not been a better brother.  I feel your desire to be closer, and I have not given our relationship the importance it deserves" I told my sister D Saturday night.  I was dropping her off at her house after we went to visit our sister R who is recovering from a shattered ankle at a rehab hospital.  She looked at me for a moment then turned away saying "It is ok D, we are all busy.  I thought you were mad at me over the situation with S (our brother)"  she continued.  "No" I replied.  "I don't know all the details and you were not the one that had him sent to state prison (as a sixteen year old boy)".  My brother never recovered from that incarceration.  I can only imagine the horrors he had to endure.  "The reason why I have not been there for you is because whenever I was around family I became very anxious and depressed.  It had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with my childhood and our fucked up family" I continued.  "But I will do better moving forward.  I will make our relationship a priority".  "Great" D replied.  I reached out and gave her a hug.  Goodnight R, I mean D" I said.  "Hey" she replied with a with a concerned look...  I too wondered why I had called her R.

I often cannot believe the degree of success I have achieved given that my life reads like "The Prince of Tides" screenplay.  With that success though, I feel this keen sense of responsibility that leads to a intense level of guilt.  Am I "earning" this?  I spend a lot of time helping others...  Are my motives pure or am I simply trying to relieve my guilt?  Does it really matter?  Is enough just to do good?  Is is necessary that my motives are pure?  One thing I know; I have changed the lives of many people and that can't be a bad thing.  And, it helps me feel good about myself.  That  is definitely not a bad thing.

Death and taxes

The tax man paid us a visit recently.  I am actually a bit relieved, because now I am forced to tackle this issue head on and resolve it once and for all.  I am hopeful that we can negotiate a reasonable payment plan that will allow me to continue B's tuition payments.  I wish I had dealt with this earlier; hopefully I will learn from this experience and exercise more responsibility in the future.

Another season

It is a cold day in the town square this morning.  A  brisk wind is blowing out of the East, rustling the few remaining dull yellow leaves clinging tenaciously to the maple tree in front of the coffee shop.  The faded green patio chairs and tables, all arranged in neat rows on the sidewalk, sit unused as all the tourists have gone home and the regulars have moved inside where we sip our coffee while staring out the large pane glass windows, longing for the warm summer mornings of which we shall see no more.  A flock of Canadian geese flies overhead in a v formation heading South for warmer climates.  Winter is coming.  Time is running out to prepare for the onslaught of the biting wind and drifting snow.  Put away the garden house, tighten down the pool cover and put away the lawn chairs.  It is time to rummage through the attic and gather boots, hats, coats and mittens. 

Erotic dentistry

This morning I had my teeth cleaned by an attractive young lady and I think she enjoyed pressing her firm breasts into my head while she wielded her various tools of dentistry.  I can tell you that the resulting fantasies made the appointment go by very quickly. 

Yesterday, after completing my blog update, a gentlemen I recently met at church sat down with me at the coffee shop.  He proceeded to tell me about how difficult his life has been as a 49 year old, having been recently divorced, with no kids, but still wanting a family.  I listened with an empathetic ear and tried to keep my advice to a minimum.  He seemed to be happy about talking with me.  Afterward, I was lucky enough to enjoy a great mood.  Hmmm...  Interesting...

Is good the new great?

Today  I feel good...  Yesterday I felt good...  Tomorrow I will probably feel good...  Lucky me.  I sometimes wonder what it would be like to suffer from bipolar disorder because I often pine for that manic feeling of euphoria and all the energy that does with it.  Instead, I just plod along, feeling "ok", waiting for that elusive, fleeting moment when my neurotransmitters give me an extra dose of joy.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I now feel good.  Feeling good is an excellent alternative to contemplating the "best" way to kill myself.  Definitely an improvement.  But is it unrealistic to want to feel great?  How does one get from "good' to "great"?  I do all the right things; eat well, exercise, act selflessly, follow the commandments...  But, I don't really do it with all my heart.  Maybe I am just not trying hard enough.  I am so tired though...  It is so much easier to just get by.  Perhaps I should listen to St. Paul when he says "And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily".

Family Day

Saturday, D and I spent the day with B as part of family weekend at his school.  We had a wonderful time and the day was over much too quickly.  He is such a great kid. I feel incredibly fortunate to be has Dad.  He walked us through his average day taking us to all his classrooms.  "I always sit in the front row because studies have shown that 70% of students that do so get higher grades" he said as he walked us around the campus.  "I am so proud of you" I said later as we ate lunch in the dining hall. 

The college sponsored a 5k Saturday morning and all that separated me from winning it was a very lean, 19 year old student that passed me right at the finish.  I was happy with second, but wish I had kicked it a couple hundred feet earlier.

Raising B

Wednesday morning, B called to tell me that he wanted to transfer from his current college to the local university that many of his friends attend.  He also told me that he was not making many friends and his new college girlfriend had allegedly gotten drunk, and slept with someone else.  I listened patiently with great empathy as he poured out his feelings.  When he finished, I told him that I would support whatever decision he made, but he should think about a few things.  Most importantly, he could not simply run away from all the problems he was dealing with at school.  If he did transfer, he would simply trade his current difficulties for new ones, as well as some old ones.  I also asked him to think about whether he was actively trying to make friends or was he simply relying on the cross country team for friendships (which was not going as well as he expected). 
When B first started high school, he hung out with a crowd of kids that were not highly motivated.  Over time, he built relationships with other kids, many of which were jocks and academics.  It was a painful process, but B persisted and now has a group of friends that are highly motivated and will likely succeed at whatever they choose to pursue.  Clearly he misses those friendships, but I reminded him that he was not in high school anymore.  He would have to make some effort to build new friendships.

He told me that he was going to talk with his coach and some friends and he would let me know what he had decided.

Yesterday I spoke with B and he told me he decided to stay and would not be transferring.  He had spoken with a high school friend who, like B, was attending a college some distance from home and was having  similar difficulties.  Unlike me (as B's father), his friend was brutally honest and said, "B, if you transfer just because you want to be with your friends, your a fucking moron".

Tomorrow we are going to B's school for parents weekend.  I can't wait to see him!

Rolling around

Saturday I took a friend to play Murderball at the local university.  He has cerebral palsy and is confined to a wheelchair.  I enjoyed watching the game and he definitely enjoyed playing, although he was very tired, sore and somewhat bruised by the end of the practice.  It was interesting hanging out with 20 or so people that move around via wheelchairs.  I immediately wanted to dive in and work as a volunteer.  I did help out with a few mechanical issues, but spent most of my time talking with a nice young lady from Connecticut.  She told me all about her life as a second generation Armenian.  Her sister has muscular dystrophy and has been in a wheel chair since she was a child.  She weighs all of 87 pounds but relentlessly smashed into the competitors wheelchairs with the best of them.

Random thoughts

This morning I am blatantely fucking off.  First I lazed around the house till 10:00, then I took the jeep to the coffee shop located in the college town a few minutes from my house.  Now I am sitting outside, drinking my latte, squinting my eyes in the bright sun trying to read my laptop screen.  It is homecoming weekend at the U, so the town is crawling with alumni.  I was lucky to get a table outside. 

B is coming home this weekend.  I hope we can do something together while he is here. I still miss him very much.  I am somewhat living vicariously through him, but he does not share a lot of details about school other then cross country. 

I wish I had attended college.  It would be nice to have a bit more knowledge, but mostly, I would have enjoyed the experience. I have friends, but I don't really "belong" to anything.  Unfortunately, I often abandon opportunities to "belong" to something when I become deeply depressed and my insecurities overpower rational thought. 

Now what?

It was a crisp clear Fall day and I had driven my jeep to the town square to see my good friend preach.  The church services are held in an historic church known for its spectacular, recently restored steeple.  The interior of the sanctuary is simple, but beautiful, free of all the gold, bronze and silver adornments many other churches display like so many trophies.  After an hour of singing and reading from the Good Book, my friend picked up the microphone and began his sermon.  "I'm going to ask a question, that for many of you, will change your lives."  The young preacher paused for a moment, scanning his audience.  Until recently, this young man had worked for me as computer technician.  Now he was living his dream of spreading the word of God.  He lowered the microphone and rubbed his hand across his closely cropped blond beard waiting for the tension to build.  He was a powerful speaker and had us on the edges of our seats waiting for the question.  He took a breath, and then with slow, but deliberate tones asked "What would you do, if you knew you couldn't fail?"  He paused then said  "I want you to write your answer down on the paper provided" he continued.  I was already writing as he continued on because I have always known my dream.  "Build a HOME for young adults in need"  I scrawled across the paper. 

So now it is written...

Life without kids

Friday night D and I went out to see the Mark Zuckerberg flick. I though it was pretty good.  I especially enjoyed posting "I am at the Facebook movie facebooking about being at the Facebook move".   Yesterday we closed up my in-laws camp then went to the fair to watch the huss pullin'.  Call me lame, but I enjoy watching men and woman compete in such pure and ancient sport.  This morning we hung out in bed for a bit watching Under the Tuscan Sun.  It reminded me that it is easy to forget where you are, when your focused  on where your going. D and I have been spending a lot of time together since B went off to college.

I have been finding and talking with old friends via social networking sites like FB and Linkedin.  It has been eye-opening to learn how my old friends have done over time; many I have not seen for thirty years or more.  Most are divorced and many have not had good luck career-wise.  When I compare my life against theirs, I feel incredibly fortunate.  Marrying D was the single best thing I have ever done in my life.  I can't imagine what my life would be like without her, though I suspect I would have more in common with my old friends.

Get up!

I often feel like most of the passion and zest for life has left my soul and I am just going through the motions of a moderately depressed, but seemingly content person.  I yearn for a life-changing event that will propel me forward with enthusiasm and vigor.  But sadly (or perhaps thankfully) that will probably not  happen.  I will have to pick myself up, wipe away the dust, then muster the strength to move forward.  That is the way it has always been. 

Weekend

This past weekend was a busy one.  Saturday we went down to Boston to watch B's cross country team run.  He was not running, but we still wanted to support the team.  We were able  to talk with him for a few minutes and he seems to be doing well.  Following the meet, D and I drove to Castle Island in South Boston and went for a walk around Pleasure Bay.  Sunday we had friends over for brunch then closed up our pool. I spent a lot of time cleaning  up the garage and yard and I am mightily pleased with the results.

Much to my surprise, my friend, the CO from the Boston cadet unit was elected Regimental CO commanding approximately 15 units.  He had asked me to be his regimental training officer, if he was elected, and I had indicated that I would consider it, never thinking that he would actually win.  Now I need to decide if I really want to take this challenge on.  I  may accept the position on a temporary basis with a one year term.  This way I would  not feel badly about passing the responsibility to someone else in the future.

Under-achiever?

Today I dropped my son of at the state beach for his community service then drove the long way to work; 10 miles north along the coastal route featuring spectacular views of the NH seashore.  Of course I am driving my jeep and enjoying every moment of my momentary escape from reality.

Yesterday I looked through some blog entries from a year ago only to discover that my goals have not changed significantly and I have made little progress on them.  Over the next week or so I will review my goals and identify specific actionable objectives that will move me from thinking about what I want to realizing it.

Spare change?

Many experts say that we are motivated by pain or pleasure.  I believe that in most cases, pain is a better motivator then pleasure.  In my experience it takes immediate, or imminent pain for me to change an unhealthy behavior.  I am facing a cataclysmic storm that threatens to drastically alter my way of life because I have been unwilling to take responsibility for my financial future.  Apparently I am waiting for someone to take control of my future away from me before I would be willing  to get off my fucking ass and deal with the financial mess that I have let build over the years.  I  am better than this...  If my kids future (education) is truly important, I will devote the time and energy required to resolve my financial issues.

Welcome Home?

"Hi Dad, I am on my way home with Mom" B said to me when I answered the phone.  "So what do you have planned for tonight?" I replied.  "Did you get me the new Halo game I skyped you about?" he asked.  "No" I said with a chuckle.  "Then I guess Mom and I will stop and pick it up" he replied.  "So your going to be playing your new game tonight" I asked.  "Yeah" B replied.  "Ok" I said. 

I guess I don't need to rush home tonight...

No Soup for You!

"Why don't  you come back to bed" I said wiping the sleep from my eyes.  "It is too hot" she replied.  WTF...  So now I am unsuccessfully trying to not let a five second exchange ruin my day.  Maybe she didn't understand what I was really saying.  No, she did...  She just wasn't interested.  Whatever...  Coupled with the fact that I have purposely not been..... uhmmmmmm.....  using the self service lane (faith without deeds is dead), I feel especially frustrated. 

B is coming home tonight!  I am very excited to see him.  We have seen him a few times at college, but it will be good to have him back at the house.  He is doing really well and I am so proud of him.

J, on the other hand, got booted out of his one college class because he apparently went to the wrong one.  Same course name, two different rooms and professors.  Oh well, he will figure it out.  He is talking about transferring to the university, but I know he will have to demonstrate his ability to successfully complete some classes at the community college first.

I am glad I was wrong

It was a cold ride into town this morning.  The thermometer displayed 43 degrees when I left in the jeep.  Today I am drinking coffee outside of the chain coffee shop because it faces southeast while the chairs outside my regular java stop remain cold and wet under the shade of the trees and western exposure. 

I have been looking up old friends recently using Facebook and Linked-in and last night I reconnected with a friend I have not seen in 30 years.  We talked for three hours and we really enjoyed the conversation.  He has been with his wife for 30 plus years and I remember now why we drifted apart.  He was my roommate 30 years ago and used to fight with his girlfriend constantly.  And she was a major hitch.  He asked me if I thought he should stay with her and I said no.  Guess I was wrong because he married her and they apparently lived happily ever after.  Oops...  My bad...

Faith

This morning it feels like Fall in the town square.  They are roasting coffee beans at my coffee shop filling the air with the sweet smell of my favorite beverage. 

I am looking up at the beautiful white steeple of the old North Church located directly across the street from the coffee shop.  It stands proudly with its new coat of paint framed by a deep blue sky.  It reminds me of my ongoing struggle with my faith (or lack of) in God.  Lately I have been praying and I do think I am the better for it.

Boarding

Yesterday was a good day up at my in-laws camp.  I enjoyed wakeboarding and also spent some time kayaking with D.  I was not in a great mood but I still had a good time.  Tonight I plan to go fishing with J and my nephew.

Least I forget

Why is it that I forget pretty much everything, but I can remember the names of my Baristas?  I have not seen Jesse in months, but her face lit up with delight when I greeted her by name today.

I am not in the best of moods today but it is getting better.

Busy Dirk

It's a busy day in the town square today.  I rarely visit on Saturdays, especially during tourist season.  However, I am working today so I don't mind waiting in line for my latte.  The Blue Angels are in town further adding to the traffic congestion. 

Last night I went out with some kids from the adolescent home then joined D for a fantastic margarita at a downtown restaurant.  Tomorrow I am taking my son and nephew wakeboarding at my in-laws camp.

I miss B...  We have seen him a couple of times since we dropped him off at school but it is tough not having him around.

Encampment

Friday night J and I went over the the local USMC reserve center and spent the night and most of Saturday with the local cadet group battalion.  I have not been in a leadership role with this group for about a year now and it was difficult for me to watch the event unfold as it was clearly not planned well.  Overall I think the 76 kids had fun but I would  have had a bit more hands-on activities and less time in the class room.

The cadet group leadership is really pushing me to open up a new unit a the USMC reserve center but I am reluctant to do so.  I have been in a pretty dark mood for some months right now and I feel completely overwhelmed with my existing commitments.  My future with this group will probably depend on what happens with this one kid from the adolescent home I have been trying to recruit for the cadet group.  If he joins, I am going to have to be a the drills anyway, so I might as well move back into a leadership role to help out.  I will simply have to develop a thicker skin recognizing that my efforts are for the kids and the adults that can't recognize why they are there can go fuck themselves. 

Saturday my nephew was married and I was able to spend a lot of time with B as a result.  He is doing well, although not sleeping much.  He likes the cross country team and looks forward to starting school next week.

Yesterday I spent the entire day watching movies and television shows.  D hung out with me as well so I did not feel completely guilty.

My hero?

Over the years, I have tried to be a good Uncle and mentor to my nephew C.  C grew up in a town filled with muli-million dollar homes where the Hummer's were as prolific as the MBA's.  However his parents were average people with average jobs and they did not indulge in the rampant materialism that permeated the town.  C's dad suffered from OCD wherein he placed the cleanliness of his house before the needs of his child.  C was never allowed to play with his toys in the living room and would be severely reprimanded if he forgot to take his shoes of when he entered his house.  C was a "good kid" up until he was cut from the basketball team in junior high school.  He was a good athlete up until that point but suddenly gave up all interest in sports.  He began to change and started to become a "problem child".  Neither of his parents were prepared to deal with this change in personality and C's behavior became worse and worse.  He did not graduate with his class and has had skirmishes with the law in recent years.  C also struggles with drugs and has been in and out of rehab over the past year.  I have always opened my home to C and he has been spending a lot of time with us recently.  He always went to the lake with us in the summer and loves to wakeboard.  Last weekend his Dad melted down once again and C came to our house to get away.  I took him out for coffee and we talked for a long time.  During the conversation he told me that he was envious of my two boys and he wished I was his father.  I was taken aback by his comments but thanked him for his kind words.  He then told me that he once wrote a paper for school about his hero.  He told me that the paper was based on me.  I sat back in disbelief, stunned at his revelation.  I reached over and hugged him and said that I was proud to be his hero and I would always be there for him. 

The point of my story is this...  Who is my hero?  Who will be there for me?  Lately I feel incredibly lonely and isolated and my whole life is focused on working hard to pay for my kids education.  Why didn't I have someone in my life that helped me to learn how to save for college so that I would not be faced with this incredible burden?  Don't get me wrong; I am grateful that I have a job that allows me to work more hours and generate more money.  I could use a hero though...

Goodbye B

Tonight we are bringing B to college and I am experiencing a wide range of emotions as a result.  I am thrilled that my son is going to a good college that has a strong focus on the humanities, but also sad that he will not be living with us anymore.  However, I am mostly worried and anxious that I will not be able to maintain the monthly tuition payments.  My cognitive abilities and motivation has been slipping and it has been difficult to focus at work.  I am definitely feeling somewhat depressed, but I have to mask my emotions and get the job done. 

I have to learn how to relax more and not let anxiety impede me from achieving my goals.  

Can't see the artists for the trees

D and I are sitting in incredibly uncomfortable beach chairs sitting about three trees back from the stage Lyle Lovett will be appearing on anytime now.  We arrived ninety minutes early thinking that would get us first dibs on some prime real estate from which we could enjoy the show.  Boy were we wrong.  I think some people put out their blankets and lawn chairs a,week ago!  Oh well...  I am used to standing at concerts.  Why should this one be any different.

Last Wednesday Dinner

Last night was our last Wednesday meal before B leaves for college and I made him his favorite meal, baked macaroni and cheese.  However, the entire evening was overshadowed by J's incredibly poor decision to trade my boat for 1984 Trans Am.  J and I had been discussing this possible trade (he has been trying to sell my old boat for me) and I had last told him to send me info on the Trans Am including pictures.  He did not respond,  but he had told me that he would bring it to a mechanic friend of mine to check over.  When I pulled into my driveway, my boat was gone and when I called J, he told me that he had made the trade.  I was furious as I never told him to move forward with the deal, but apparently when I made the comment "Your not storing the car at the house" he took that as a green light to move forward with the transaction.  When he got home, I confronted him about the situation asking " why would  this deal be any different from the previous ones?"  "I have always said that I want to meet the buyer and I would sign the bill of sale."  He seemed genuinely surprised and part of me believes that he thought he had acted properly.  It was a tough night for everyone because he was very proud about getting his "first car".  Overall it is a good deal, just a crappy execution.  I plan to pull the engine out of the car and put it into the jeep as the Trans Am needs way more work than it is worth.  He thought he would just make payments to me for the car but I really do not want to deal with that hassle.  He never follows through with financial commitments and it  would  be another divisive issue between us.

Open ocean

Last night D, and I went ocean kayaking with a group of strangers I found through the web site http://www.meetup.com.  D was very nervous about going as she had never been kayaking in the open ocean; let alone with a group of  people that she never met.  One of the first ladies we met proceeded to exacerbate the situation telling D about huge waves she would encounter in the channel.  At this point D really began to freak out.  I calmly suggested to D that we could go to the channel, and if she was uncomfortable we would turn back and just putter around the estuaries.  Fortunately, the tide was just about dead low so we encountered minimum current and waves.  As we rounded the breaker at the end of the channel, heading towards the beach and surf, D stiffened with apprehensive again.  Thankfully, one of the group leaders intervened sharing helpful tips and words of encouragement that helped D to relax.  At the end of the night she said she had a great time and she wants to go again so I am thrilled. 


,

Coffee... black please

Today I am sitting on the beach, at the lake, drinking black coffee made on my camp stove.  It is a calm day and the only waves lapping the shore were spawned from passing boats. The sun is quickly warming my chilled body from a cold night of restless sleep.  Skiers and boarders are returning from their early morning runs looking for their second cup of coffee.  Ducks and crows cackle in the background amid the sporadic, but ever increasing clanging of tent poles as campers break down their temporary homes, preparing to return to concrete cities and vinyl clad homes.

I am sad and full of regret because I did not stop her.  Perhaps it was a good thing that she left, for I now feel a longing heart that may remind me to appreciate her more.  All my life I have shut people out denying them access to the deepest regions of my heart.  Somehow she has slipped past the gates and I honestly miss her as a result.

She left me

We were supposed to go home from our vacation tomorrow but D decided to leave today because she was pissed at me over a stupid disagreement.  Now I am enraged with no way to release my anger.  I guess I deserve this for all the times I treated her badly but it still sucks.  I just don't know what to do with myself so I will probably do some work.

Stressful Vacation

Usually my vacations are reasonably relaxing, at least from a work perspective.  This one has been anything but free from work-related stress.  I have to learn how to take difficult people and situations less seriously and accept that I am doing the best I can, that my results are reasonable and fall withing my clients expectations.  I am feeling very stressed about the $1800 a month payment for B's tuition and am extra sensitive to any situation that could cause me to lose a client.

I must make time to meditate and exercise.  

One day before vaca?

Last night I worked till 10:30 and this morning I was up at 5:00 to bring J to work.  I have been working a lot of hours lately and I am definitely feeling worn down.  B's next tuition payment is due in two weeks and I am falling behind on my bills. However, nothing inspires me more then to hear B tell me he is thinking about pre-med. 

My sciatic nerve has been preventing me from running and riding my bike.  I am very frustrated by this limitation and I have an appointment with a neurosurgeon in a couple of weeks.  I had an x-ray done that came back negative so I went to PT for 6 weeks.  When that failed to remedy the problem, I had an MRI done that came back showing a "floater" in or near my spine.  So now I may need back surgery which I am loathe to do. 

Time and place

It is a strikingly beautiful day in the town square this morning.  The time is 6 AM and the local coffee shop was not yet open, so I tucked my tail between my legs and went to the chain shop I previously frequented.  Sitting outside now, on the opposite side of the street, I am enjoying my $5.99 quad-venti-no-whipped mocha.  The sun has just emerged from behind the  brick-covered buildings on the west side of the square and I am basking in its brilliant glory.  I can hear the fountain gurgling across the street and the calls of pigeons and seagulls welcoming the day.  The town square has a personality that changes with time, day and season.  At this moment it feels like a cocoon, warm, inviting and comfortable, causing one to linger longer then he should.  However, the hammer and anvil call from the distance, reminding us of responsibility and commitment.  But the soft warmth of the early morning sun, and the faint sound of water splashing against the basin, soothes our senses, causing rebellion against the call of duty.  Alas, my cup is empty and I must leave this moment in time.

Early morning

This morning I was up at 5:00 to take J to his new job.  After I dropped him off, I went to the adolescent home to work in the garden for a half hour.  Now I am at the coffee shop typing on my Droid because my laptop battery is dead.  There is a cool breeze blowing through the town square this morning.  It is a nice change from the hot humid days we have endured for most of the summer thus far. 

Saturday I worked for most of the day except for a few hours when I brought pizza and ice over to the boys at the adolescent home.  I played basketball with them after lunch then back to work.

Tonight I go fishing with J.  Let's hope the fish gods favor me.

College tuition due

Work, work and more work.  Puck me... 

Sloth-like?

It is a beautiful day in the town square this morning.  Bright and sunny with a cool breeze out of the east.  I really enjoy writing my posts from the shaded patio of the local coffee shop on days like this.  The chain shop I previously frequented only had two tables sitting outside in the bright sun.

I am becoming more attentive to my frequent feelings of indignation.  These self-righteous thoughts often occur while driving, in response to perceived injustices committed by fellow drivers.  In some cases the offense affects me directly (someone cuts me off) but in other cases, I was not slighted in anyway but still harbor middle-finger feelings towards the driver.  As a case in point, the gentlemen sitting at the table next to mine is feeding the annoying little starlings that harass the patrons here.  These opportunistic flying rats will brazenly take food directly off your plate. Anyone familiar with Pavlovian logic knows not to feed the fucking birds.  Or, the woman that was ensconced between displays at Walmart,  an inventory scanner dangling from her wrist, watching another older woman on her hands and knees hurriedly scanning products.  I know for a fact that she remained in that sloth-like position for over twenty minutes while her co-worker slaved away.  Why should I care?  They say "let go, let God..."  I need to work on that.  Wait!  Who is pulling in that handicap spot?  She does not look paralyzed to me.  Damn.....  She can walk just fine!  Bitch!

ECT free?

Yesterday my sister was released from the psych hospital.  She seems to be in good spirits.  This is the first time she has recovered from a bout of severe depression without using ECT.  She is back in her apartment, which is a hothouse as she has no AC and only one small window.  I told her to look into what model air conditioner would fit in her window and she can do some work for me to earn enough money to purchase one. 

Last night I went fishing with J but we did not make it very far.  Some major thunderstorms swept through the region so I was reluctant to venture too far offshore.  Apparently some of the storms were packing 60 mph winds and golf ball sized hail.  We still had a great time though.  The lightning often struck out cloud to cloud generating multiple branch strokes that were amazing too watch.  Eventually the cloud to earth lighting arrived and we left the boat for the cover of a gas dock until it passed.

I

This past weekend was a busy one.  Between multiple parties and picking up friends at the airport, I was wiped by the time my head hit the pillow last night.  This week will also be jam packed with lots of work and a trip to see my sister.  It is good to be busy though.  Less down time means less time for negative thought.

Don't read this

Don't waste your time reading this blog entry.  It won't be exciting, interesting or unique.  It will  be just like all  the other ones I have written recently because my life just doesn't change much and I have little appreciation for my good fortune.  I thrive on brief bouts of immediate sensual gratification.  Coffee mostly...  Along with other self-indulgent behavior...  Like M & M's and Mountain Dew.  And other things... occasionally.  I really enjoyed hanging out with the kids from the adolescent home the other day.  I also had fun camping with the cadets a few weeks back.  Put me outside with teenagers and I am a happy camper. 

What I really need to do is pay more attention to D.  I am incredibly lazy when it comes to or relationship.  Our intimate life is ....  well.... dutiful.  Maybe I need to read Kama Sutra.  We lead largely separate lives... which is ok for the most part.  We have dinner once or twice a week and go and do something once or twice a month.  Guess I should add this to my Top Five Goals list...  

Inuit form of transportation

Yesterday I went kayaking with twenty kids from the adolescent home.  It was overcast and rainy most of the day, but we had a fabulous time anyway.  I know all the male residents and some of the females and I connected with a couple of the females I did not know.  I felt very comfortable yesterday and I want to do more with the kids. 

Fishing and family

I am lucky that I did not live in a culture that relied on fishing as a means to make a living and feed ones family.  While I seem to be getting better at the "sport" of fishing (we can at least catch bait-fish), I still pretty much suck if you judge me on results.  Thankfully, when I go out on the boat with rod in hand, it is more about spending time with my son then bringing home dinner.

Thursday I went down to Boston to visit my sister who is currently residing at a psychiatric hospital.  It was a rough, highly emotional meeting that included her doctor.  She is completely obsessed with the past; reliving the pain of everything she believes she did wrong.  I spent way too much time talking and need to be a better listener.  She left her home when her kids were young, mostly due to chronic depression.  She did her best to support her kids but  was often unable to be there when they needed her.  She is now all but ostracized from her family and I have been trying to help her rebuild the relationships with her children.  I have emphasized that she maintain constant, but not annoying, contact with them using email, phone calls and letters.   I have advised her not to expect them to reciprocate anytime soon, but to be patient and persistent.  However, she felt that her efforts would  be unwelcome so she did little to nothing to change the situation.  I will continue to support her anyway that I can including a trip down there today.

Be quiet and drive

Who the fuck honked their horn?  I looked frantically in my rear view mirror trying to identify the offender.  There is no logical reason for anyone to honk their horn here.  The light is still red and there are no vehicles driving in the opposite direction that would warrant such a breach of etiquette.  We are all lined up, waiting for our turn to pass through the intersection.  Each of us ensconced into our cookie cutter sedan, SUV, hybrid, or in my case, obnoxiously large truck; vehicles that reflected our particular personalities, on our way to work.  It was neat and orderly until someone had to step out of line and interrupt the flow of things.  Maybe it was an accident...  Their hand slipped after adjusting the radio station.  But usually you will see one driver looking sheepish, hands palm up pointing towards the sky, of which there was none.  I could see other drivers peering around, also looking for the individual responsible for creating this mayhem.  But then the light turned green and we were moving again.  I quickly pressed on the accelerator moving my vehicle forward knowing that the slightest delay would be cause for the driver behind me to beep his horn, telling me to move along.

Shocked or not

My sister called yesterday to tell me she checked herself into a psych ward 11 days ago.  I had called her the day before she was admitted and she told me she was doing ok.  Apparently she did not want to upset me by telling me the truth about how she felt.  At least she is safe.  The upside is that her doctor is very concerned about the number of ECT treatments she has had and has advised her to discontinue that treatment. I expect I will be traveling to Boston in the next day or so to visit with her and meet her new doctor.

Shift your paradigm

What does it take to develop a real appreciation for the lives and opportunities that we have?  Most of our time is spent (consciously or subconsciously) wishing we were doing something different.  In my entire life, I can remember only a few occasions where I was truly living in the moment.  Does somebody have to die?  Do we need to experience a traumatic injury or illness?  Why does it always take a "life-changing event" to change our lives?  Can one begin to meaningfully change their life through sheer self discipline and desire?  I have made many little changes to my life, but I still grind through the day with little emotion, living on bits of immediate sensual gratification; some of which are not healthy physically and or emotionally.  Today I changed coffee shops; maybe tomorrow I can change something meaningful.

Betrayal

Today I am drinking my four shot mocha at the locally owned coffee shop, not Starbucks.  The catalyst for the switch was a recent price increase that propelled the cost of my regular drink to more than $6.  This is just too much when I need to come up with $80,000 over the next four years.

Boooooooorrrrrrrriiinnngggg!!!!!!!!!

Blah, blah, blah...  that really is the essence of my postings as of late.  While I am happy to be free (for now) of chronic depression, I miss the experiencing the powerful emotions that came with it.  (I know, that's fucked up, right?) I live a good life; I just don't FEEL much. 

Fathers Day

It is Sunday morning at 8:00 and I am lounging in bed in anticipation of a home cooked breakfast courtesy of my boys.  I can smell pancakes and hear the rustling of pans downstairs.  Later I plan to travel down to Mass to visit with my Dad although I have no interest in doing so; I do it more out of a sense of a son's obligation.

I will arrive and we will perform the expected hug and backslap ritual but I will feel nothing emotionally.  We will chat about his boat and the trips he is planning this year but I could care less. I will just want to be on my way back home.

Where's the fish?

Last night I went fishing with J.  As usual, we returned fishless, but I enjoy spending time with my boy.  I have to chill a bit more when I am with him. I tend to be a bit too intense.

Lead, follow or get out of the way

I have been spending more time with the cadet group lately.  I am limiting my involvement to planning a couple of events a year, but it is very hard for me to sit on the sidelines when I know I can help with other efforts as well.  It is also really difficult for me to keep my mouth shut when I see the staff making questionable decisions.  But, I am learning how to be a good follower, not a role I am accustomed to.

Technogadgets

Yesterday I got the new Droid Evo from Sprint.  It is a sweet phone, but quite a change from my Blackberry Pearl.  I am much happier now that I have this new trinket; after all, it is "things" that bring us joy, right?

My son

My son graduates from high school next week.  I can hardly believe that he will be leaving us soon.  He is such a great kid and I am incredibly proud of him.  I can remember walking him up to the bus stop every morning.  Some times we would play kick ball while we waited for the bus.  Other times we would just talk.  We have not walked A in a while.  He is not a big fan of getting up early when he doesn't have to.  Hopefully we can get out for some bike rides over the next few months.

3 days "off"

This past weekend was a physical one with three straight days of backbreaking, manual labor.  Saturday I worked on yard chores, Sunday I opened my in-laws camp, and Monday I put in a 20 x 60 vegetable garden at our house.  The garden was a tremendous amount of work but I am looking forward to homegrown tomatoes, cukes and squash. 

Shallow Dirk?

I sit here, staring blankly out the window of the coffee shop, trying to think of something to write.  Unfortunately, my life has become so routine that nothing all that exciting happens to me.  My big thrill is sneaking glances at whatever attractive young lady enters my periphery.  I think this is the point in life at which many men move from looking, to flirting, to fucking.  I can clearly see how we are setup for this tragedy by a media that uses sex appeal to sell everything from breath mints to kitchen utensils; the increasingly revealing nature of woman's clothing and man's primal instinct to sow his seed.  Oh, and did I mention our huge friggin ego's that need to feel like we are still able to "get the girl". Thankfully, I am incredibly fortunate in that  I recognize the temporal  nature of any affair is vastly outweighed by the everlasting damage it will do to me and my family. But damn, that is one nice ass...

Living the life

Apparently, someone in the neighborhood decided to get chickens and was unaware that most chickens no longer require a rooster.  Unfortunately their cantankerous cock must be from a different time zone as this morning he started crowing incessantly at 3:00 . I was unable to get back to sleep until I finally put in some ear plugs.

This weekend I cleaned the gutters, visited with my wife's sister and moronic, bigoted, homophobic, redneck husband, went fishing with J and cleaned my tool bench.  I seemed to have evolved into this somewhat responsible, moderately happy, reasonably productive member of society.  I live a satisfying life and have avoided any major bouts of depression in recent years.  My family is well, work is acceptable and I spend a fair amount of time helping others to find their way to a similar existence.  I guess I should be grateful for all this bliss... right?

Youthful indiscretions

Today I am sitting in a different coffee shop then my usual.  The java is excellent and they make an awesome egg wrap.  Steely Dan is playing softly in the background causing my mind is wander back thirty years ago to the back seat of a 66 Chevy Caprice on which I was passionately undressing my girlfriend of the time, Sharon.  I was rather inexperienced with girls at the time, which made it that much more exciting as we fumbled with buttons and struggled with zippers, flailing about the back seat with all the passion you would expect of two teenagers.  It was mid-winter and the windows were all fogged up as a result of our heated entanglement.  We were getting close to the end game when suddenly there was a tap, tap, tap on the side window.  Our clothing was scattered all over the car and as we scrambled to get dressed a booming voice said, "Open the door NOW!".  Tentatively I grasped the handle pulling it up and I pushed open the door just a crack.  I could barely make out the blue uniform of a police officer standing there with a large flashlight in his hand shining brightly in my face.  "Yes sir..." I said in a faint voice.  "Get your clothes on and exit the vehicle" he replied.  Once we were outside he checked our ID's and lectured us on the virtues of sex before marriage.  Yeah... I listened real well.  Right up until we found a better place to park.

Rewire the brain

It is a strikingly beautiful day in the town square this morning.  I am sitting in one of the new comfy chairs at the newly remodeled coffee shop enjoying a tasty mocha latte.  Life is good at this moment...

The other day someone asked me "what is your passion" and surprisingly, I did not have a good answer.  The question was posed when I was at the adolescent home cutting down trees and cleaning up the property with sixty or so volunteers.  If someone had asked me that question elsewhere, I would have immediately replied "I enjoy working with the kids at the adolescent home".  It was a staff member that asked me the question so I can only speculate that I was somehow uncomfortable saying something akin to "my passion is doing your job".  

But that event has caused me to think deeply about my interests and motivations.  I spend most of my free time trying to help others in some way, but now I wonder why I do that.  Saturday morning I had coffee with a young man that I have been mentoring and invited him over to have brunch with our family on Sunday.  He and his two young daughters (ages one and three) joined us but his wife had to work.  As the morning progressed I began to see that I really am not a social creature, as much as I would like to be.  At times I felt awkward and uncomfortable, unable to see the purpose in general conversation.  I am much more comfortable in the role of the 'father figure", not a friend.  More then likely I have some synapses mis-wired that cause this malfunction.  Perhaps I can rewire them...  Anyone have a spare soldering iron?

I am drained

This has been a long week and I will likely have to work tomorrow to make up for hours I missed.  I am tired, both physically and mentally and am unsure how I will get through the next few days of work.

Tuesday, my sister and I met with her therapists for a more emotional session then I had anticipated.  I expected the discussion to center around a treatment plan, but within the first few minutes of the meeting we got right into the heart of R's illness; which is the trauma she experienced as a child.  I have never thoughtfully considered her trauma in any granular detail, but my head was yanked out of the sand abruptly as I saw R for the victim that she is.  I have lived my life aware of the horror that she experienced, but I can now see that I never really moved past the denial phase and somehow I had always felt, at least subconsciously, that maybe it had never really happened.  I have talked to her every day since our meeting and she is doing surprisingly well.  Usually she regresses when she attempts to peel away the emotional scarring. 

So what does this mean in terms of my relationship with my father?  I think that somehow I have compartmentalized who he is and what he has done so that I could have a father and he could have a son.  Now, I feel like I am betraying my sister when I think about my relationship with him.  If there is a loving, caring God, he would explain to me how I can be a good brother and a good son within the constraints of this horrific situation and he would do it soon, because father's day is just around the corner and I just don't think I can be there for him.

Live of a giver

Hello, my name is Dirk, and I am a giver...  Lately, my choice to be kind and giving has created more opportunities to help others then I can really manage.  I am happy to be living in a way that makes me feel good about myself, but I am also having to learn how to cope with an intense level of stress resulting from my many commitments.  Today  I have to go down to MA to meet with R's therapists to see what I can do to help her recover from her decade long depression.  Wednesday and Thursday I have to find time  to coordinate a couple of volunteer groups at the adolescent home, Thursday I take J to his therapist, Friday I will likely take out one of the boys from the adolescent home and this weekend I have to find some time for my family and household chores.  While all this benevolent activity is time consuming it beats wasting away in Clickerville.

Church?

The past few days I have experienced stress-inducing deviations in my routine; indications of the OCD that lurks just below the surface of my seemingly "normal" persona.  Yesterday I went out for a run at lunchtime, planning to run my regular six mile loop around a beautiful  island, only to encounter a closed bridge within the first 500 feet.  I was quite annoyed at the obstruction but I turned around and ran half my loop counter-clockwise, which felt very uncomfortable; although I did enjoy the completely new view of the island from a fresh perspective.  Today I am sitting at another coffee shop in the town square as my favorite java stop is currently being renovated and has been closed all week.  Fortunately the latte's here are good and the atmosphere is pleasant;  I do miss the morning crowd at the other coffee shop though...

The past two Thursdays I have attended a workshop called Alpha which is described as "... an opportunity to explore the meaning of life in a relaxed, friendly setting."   It is about introducing people to Jesus Christ and the Christian faith.  I am not a practicing Christian, (although I live my life generally according to Jesus' teachings except for the "only through Him" thingy) but a very good friend of mine is a pastor at the church sponsoring this course and I am attending largely to appease him, but also to meet new people and discuss issues important to all of us such as "exploring the meaning of life".  The attendance has been a bit sparse but I am enjoying the meetings so far.  Last night I pointed out to the group that if one of us was invited to a meeting where the discussion centered around life, family, friends, community and the pursuit of all that was good, we would be inclined to attend.  However, if we were also told that you must believe that Jesus died for your sins, and that the only path to God is through him, we would be less interested.  It seems to me that we are divided by semantics created by churches attempting to fill their pews. I find  it hard to believe that a loving God would turn me away because I didn't read, and or believe the fine print.

Stuck in the middle

I can look back at my blog history and clearly see that I am most prolific in my writings when I am either very depressed or very happy.  When my mind is dwelling somewhere in the neutral zone, I lose interest in writing.  Lately I have been very focused and quite productive at work and completing home chores.  I also exercise, spend time with my family and pick up the dog shit.  And, I attempt to mentor, guide and assist a few select people that are struggling with life.  All the things that I believe a good man should do.  The challenge that many of us face, is in accepting that we are not the Huckstables and will probably never lip-sync as a family; rather, we we will experience varying degrees of simple pleasures and not a lot of euphoria.  I think we often yearn for what we perceive is missing in our lives and ultimately pursue interests that generally sabotage what is truly important.  Real happiness is realized when one can accept and appreciate the simple things in life.

I know you are but what am I?

My neighbor, the one that testified against my son for entering his house without permission, apparently wants to be friends with me.  However, I am not interested in a friendship with someone that had a chance to help my son and chose a course that resulted in J spending 5 months in jail and branded him as a convicted felon for life.  I was at a mutual neighbors house on Saturday and he showed up.  "Hi D" he said as he walked up the driveway. I responded in a hushed tone "hi" and proceeded to walk towards my vehicle to leave as I did not want any involvement with this former friend.  He came around the back of my car saying "D, the problems I have with J don't have to come between our friendship".  I replied "You violated our friendship" as I opened the door to my car and sat down  in the seat.  "So that's how it's going to be he?" asked with a hint of disbelief on his face.  "Yes" I replied.  "Your an asshole" he said just before I shut the door.  There are so many things I wanted to say to that man but I certainly was not going to create a spectacle in my neighbors driveway.  So I said nothing and continued to drive away.  He doesn't want my friendship.  He wants my forgiveness which he shall never have.

Routine

This morning I dropped J off for his second full day of community service.  He says he likes the job and the people he works with.  He plans to work 5 days per week till the middle of May.  At that rate, he will complete his community service requirements before the summer starts.

Unfortunately J continues to struggle with rage-related issues.  He is having problems with his girlfriend as well as some of his friends and spends a lot of his time swearing and raging about stupid, pointless issues.  Last night he was having a tirade in our driveway at 10:00 at night.  I spoke with him about disturbing the neighbors and while he quieted down for a while, he soon returned to his ranting and raving.  I went to bed planning to talk to him in the morning.  I did have a conversation with him today where I tried to teach him about the damaging potential of self talk.  I also strongly advised him to put some distance between him and his girlfriend as their relationship was caustic and if he could  not check his anger would end up back in jail.  He shared some very disturbing information with me about how he considered acting out on some of his  thoughts in a brutal fashion.  I will make sure he discusses these thoughts with his therapist.

I am doing pretty well on all fronts.  Work has been incredibly stressful but I am taking it in stride and I have been highly productive.  I am maintaining a good balance between all my interests and I have been enjoying a good mood. 

Hirudo-what??

Friday I took my sister R to a medical appointment so that I could meet the doctor responsible for here ECT therapy.  I am not a fan of ECT as I view it as a barbaric treatment on scale with hirudotherapy.  However, after learning more about the treatment, and discussing it with R's doctor, I acknowledge that ECT is an acceptable alternative to suicide.  Prior to starting ECT, R spent weeks and sometimes months in mental health institutions. In recent years,  her "respites" have been have been much less frequent and considerably shorter in duration.  I will next meet with R's psychiatrist to discuss her medications and plans to ween her from ECT.  I will also meet with her therapist to learn more about her therapy plan.

I brought R back home with me and she spent the weekend with my family.  We hosted an Easter dinner that included two of my sister-in-laws and their families.  All in all it was a very busy weekend with considerably more "family" time then what I am used to.  Saturday I took J to a snowmobile hill climb.  Both of us really enjoyed our redneck selves.  I was especially thrilled with J's willingness to stick out the entire day fighting against his ADHD tenancies to move onto the next thing.

Carpe Diem... Not!

Most days, for me, start around 5 AM when I begin to awaken.  As I slowly lift my head and turn to glance at my bedside clock through a half-opened eye, I feel an immediate desire to return to sleep. Satisfied that I have a few moments before I must toss the covers aside, I press my head back into the pillow then toss and turn fitfully in attempt to delay, what I am sure will be, a miserable day.  Sleep, like death, frees us from our earthly responsibilities. In my slumber, I find relief from guilt, shame and responsibility.  It is little wonder that I do not leap from my bed in joyful excitement ready to slay dragons and save the world. 

Medieval medicine...

Yesterday D and I spent the day with my sister R in Boston.  We visited the typical tourist hangouts including the Aquarium, Faneuil Hall, Boston Common and Newbury St.  I believe my sister enjoyed herself.  R experienced a horrific trauma as a child, and as a result has spent the past 20 or so years in a state of severe clinical depression.  I know that spending time with her is a good thing, but is that enough?  I feel like I should be more involved with her life but frankly, I am more comfortable helping the kids from the adolescent home then working  with her.  Does that make me a bad person?  We should always put family first, right?  I am not sure why I am not more motivated to help here.  I suspect some of my reluctance comes from having to relive my own childhood.  I also become very angry with my father when I see what he did to her.  I am going back down Friday to meet with her ECT doctor to discuss her treatment.  R's memory is very damaged and her general reasoning abilities have steadily declined over the years.  She receives ECT (electro convulsive therapy) 2 - 3 times per month.  She believes that ECT is the only treatment that provides relief to her depression.  I suggested EMT (Electro Magnetic Therapy) but apparently her insurance will not pay for it.  I cannot believe in this day and age we are still employing a practice that involves sending 200 watts of electricity through somebody's brain.

Writing...

I am trying to learn how to be a better writer.  Most of the websites I visit for writing tips say that one way to become a better writer is to write more often and that blogging is a good way to practice writing.  But what happens when you lack the creative thoughts that underlie all good writing?  Then you write boring posts on how you are trying to become a better writer. 

Four months and counting

B made his college selection over the weekend.  He will be attending St. Anselm College in Manchester NH. As a member of the cross country team, he will be leaving us the second week of August to begin training.  He and I talk often about how I will be lost without him.  This morning as we walked A, I told him that one morning he will hear a dog barking outside of his dorm and say "wow, that sounds just like my dog".  He will look out the window and I will be standing outside ready for our morning walk. 

Mr. Fixit...

It is a sunny and beautiful this morning down in the town square.  The air still has a chill to it from the overnight but spring is slowly but surely pushing her way into New England.

This morning B and I had a nice discussion while walking A.  "So, I brought up an idea to the student council for this years spring fling" B said as we  walked along.  "But the student council president did not like the idea even though everyone else did" B continued.  "So your locked in a power struggle with the him" I replied.  I said a lot of other things having to do with ego, what is best for his constituency and winning the war vs the battle.  Finally, B stopped, looked at me and said "Dad, sometimes it would be nice if you just listened instead of trying to fix everything.  Mom says the same thing about you".  He is right... I am always the mechanic when I should be an empathetic listener.  I smiled and told him I was sorry.  I am really happy that he is comfortable speaking his mind to me.

Grow up Dirk

Yesterday I had a fabulous day boarding with B.  This follows what was an absolutely miserable Saturday mainly because I can be a self-absorbed, oversensitive fuckwad.  Maybe there is something wrong with my brain, but only I have the ability to retrain it to operate properly.  I  have to stop getting so worked up when things don't go my way.  When I let the negative nanny loose in my mind, I can quickly find myself wallowing in self pity which instantaneously morphs into depression.

Yesterday was my best day boarding ever.  I started out a little slow, as I am favoring my back, but as the day progressed I started riding faster on more difficult trails including black diamonds.  I enjoyed talking with B, the weather was absolutely perfect and I was definitely loving life.  I think, for a moment, I was happy.  Imagine that... 

No boarding for me

Last night B, D and I were out separately and we all arrived home at approximately 10:30.  The three of us were standing in the kitchen and I was munching on homemade oatmeal cookies when B said "Dad, I am not sure that I want to go boarding tomorrow."  "Really" I replied after taking a gulp of milk.  "Why is that" I asked reaching for another cookie.  "I just don't really feel like it.  I want to go when other people can go" he said.  I did not say anything for a moment but I was crushed.  I had been looking forward to this trip all week. I had brought my board in for an adjustment and I was expecting the snow conditions to be great.  "Is there any reason we can't go Sunday" B asked.  "No, but the best day will definitely be Saturday.  The slopes will get pretty beat up tomorrow with the warm weather they are predicting.  You have to let me know tonight what you want to do.  I don't plan on getting up early if we are not going boarding" I said.  That was the last I heard from him.  This morning I remained in bed until 10:00 watching a movie then I immediately got dressed and left for work.  I am in a foul mood and I am seething with disappointment.  This fucking roller coaster of emotions is really taking a lot out of me.  I hope things get better.

J's coming home...

Today I am down at the beach as I am visiting a client near nearby.  It is a sunny day with a brisk northwest wind.  Recently an entire block burnt down right on the main strip here.  It is sad as there was a couple of companies lost that have been in business for fifty years or more.

J will be released from jail at the end of the month.  We have agreed to let him stay with us for a while.  I told him that he could live with us again if he went back to school.  I think he might try to go to the local community college.  I am hopeful that he will be successful at school but I am also remaining realistic given his rocky history with the education system.  I am completely stressed out about J living with us again.  I really hope that his behavior and decision making will improve, but again, I am realistic given his history with the parental system.

Creative?

The sun shines brightly today

Snow on everything

Alas it shall not stay long

Young girls, snow day, not in school

Starbucks, play grown up

Hot cocoa looks like coffee

Texting...

Sent to B - I am sorry...  For many things.  We need to talk more.

Rec'd from B - I'm sorry.  It's not you, it's me.

Sent to B -  Doesn't really matter where the fault lies.  We just have to work together to make it better.

Who's the douche bag?

A local radio show runs a segment once a week called "who's the douche bag?"  Listeners submit their entries via email and the dj's pick one that they throw out for discussion and ultimate voting by the listeners to determine who is at fault or "who's the douche bag".  Yesterday I was in a foul mood resulting from my disturbing interaction with B in the morning.  I had a productive day at work but I could think of little else then my failures as a father.  Now I am trying to separate emotion from reality as I contemplate how to best move forward in my relationship with B. 

Yesterday B said "I don't want anything to do with your second family".  I believe the subtext is that he is angry with me for spending "fun" time with the kids from the adolescent home which he has more or less confirmed.

He also said that "I do fun things with them (the residents) but not with him".  The problem with this statement is in the application of the quantitative rule "compared to what".  I admit that I don't do much with him at home other then watch TV or movies.  I just don't have a lot of motivation at home to do much of anything with the family.  But, I spent a lot of time with him outside of the home except for recent years where he has spent more time with his friends.  I often invite him to do things with me but he often declines.  I have asked him repeatedly if I spent enough time with him and he has always said yes. 

He commented on my "constant depression...".  This is what hurt the most because he is right.  I am disappointed in myself for not working harder to overcome my depression especially when it interfered with my parental responsibilities and opportunities.  Many times as I lay on the couch I thought "Your just lazy. Get up and spend some time with your son(s)."  But most times I chose the comfort of the clicker instead of pushing myself to do the "right" thing.  So now I have to live with that... 

I do try to spend time with B but I don't know what else I can do besides ask him to join me in various activities.  One of the things that really frustrates me about this episode is that we had a great time watching the Superbowl Sunday night! 

I have to be the adult here...  My wounded soul wants to lash back out at B as I did this morning by ignoring him.  No morning hug or walk with A: no breakfast, not even a word.  But that is not who I am... I need to get over this and move on.

Based on my behavior this morning I guess I am the douche bag...

WTF...

This morning was a typical cold, crisp winter day. B and I were walking A per our regular routine.  I was in a good mood and B’s achilles tendon was feeling better so we were both enjoying the fresh air.  “B, are you interested in going to a basketball game Thursday at the local university with me and one of the kids from the home?”.  “No, not really” he replied.  I waited a moment then said “is it because the resident from the home is going?”.  “Yeah, I don’t want anything to do with your second family” he replied.  I stopped walking and stood there in stunned silence.  “Are you kidding me?” I asked him as I started walking again looking at him with a incredulous look on my face.  “No” he replied looking straight ahead.  “What the fuck” I said as I once again halted while my mind began to race trying to comprehend both what he had said and what he meant.  I considered the thought that the pain in my gut was due more to my low self-esteem then what he had said.  “No, I know what he meant” I said to myself as I turned and started walking back home; “I am going home” I said without bothering to wait for him.  In the blink of an eye my world was turned upside down.  I was just starting to emerge from months of a deep depression and I suddenly felt worse than at any time in recent history.  I stopped and whirled around to face B who was walking about fifty feet behind me.  “What do you mean by that?” I said.  “Are you saying that you don’t like me volunteering at the adolescent home?”.  B just stood there and did not reply.  “Well” I said my voice rising in anger, a pained look on my face.  “Yes” he replied looking me directly in the eye.  I turned again and walked back home with B trailing behind me.  I couldn’t believe this.  There is nothing in this world more important to me than my job as B’s father.  11 or 12 years ago I recognized that I spent much more time with J than B and starting then, I worked hard to be a better father.  We joined boy scouts, then the cadet group and I spent a lot of time with him; or so I thought.  Shortly after arriving home I walked upstairs and knocking on his open door walked into his room.  “B, I really need to understand what you meant” I said.  “Dad, it just seems like you do all this fun stuff with the kids from the home but not with me” he replied.  “B, you always say no whenever I ask you to do anything" I said.  I was trying to stay in control of my emotions but I could feel my guts spilling all over the floor.  “That is because I don’t like doing stuff with you now” he said.  “You were always depressed and stuff…” he trailed off.  I  could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I turned away. “B, I try so hard” I said in a strained voice as I walked out of the room.  I grabbed my gym bag, got into my truck and left for work.

I think I can...

Today I typed this post from my favorite coffee shop. My mocha latte tastes great and the sun is shining brightly through the plate glass windows that are in need of a cleaning.  This is the first time this week I have visited the coffee shop and I have a much better appreciation for a routine that I previously felt entitled to.  I made my own latte's most of the week and every time I drink one from my crappy espresso machine I develop a greater appreciation for my friendly barista and their brewing talent.

A few weeks ago I was ready to call in the pharmacological squad to solve all my problems and make me happy, wealthy and wise.  I event started taking moderate doses of Adderall to help me stay focused at work, but I never pulled the trigger to enter Cymbalta heaven; as much as I want to be like the "happy" depressives that run down the beach and go camping with their friends in the many SSRI commercials.  I have not needed the Adderall lately and I am actually starting to feel better overall.  I spend less time in Clickerville, work out more and even made significant progress on my taxes.  I notice the sunrise in the morning and I enjoy making dinner Wednesday nights.  Last night was ribs, smashed potatoes and banana cream pie.  I cut my hair, trimmed my mustache and I think I actually care about life now.  I recognize that at anytime, and for no reason, I may be back in the vacuous hell hole that I am still climbing out of but I am enjoying the sunrise for now.

Saving money

I am not a big fan of personal economic responsibility.  While I feel good about my new fiscal conservatism, I miss my morning coffee shop routine.  Guess I have to look at this new "work" time as giving B the best education I can.

Coffee is good

Today I am enjoying a rare treat; a latte at my favorite coffee shop.  I have spent the better part of the past three weekends reviewing and categorizing my financial transactions from last year as I prepare to file my taxes.  I was not shocked at the amount of money and time I have spent at coffee shops and other restaurants but I was disturbed enough to start acting in a more fiscally responsible manner.  I also went to visit another college with B and he has decided that he wants to attend that rather expensive liberal arts college.  He has already been accepted and now all I have to do is find the money to pay for it.  Yeah...

Therapy is going fairly well.  I have had two sessions and I am comfortable with the therapist. However, I am still feel lethargic with little energy or enthusiasm.  B's ankle is feeling better and this morning he and I walked A for the first time in three weeks.  Hopefully these walks will help me to get back onto my schedule.

PTSD

I have seen multiple therapists over the years in attempt to improve my mental health.  Some have been more helpful than others.  Yesterday I had my first visit with my new therapist (DH) and after describing my symptoms and providing her with a brief history of my life she asked me if I have ever been treated for trauma.  "Trauma?" I asked with a perplexed look on my face.  "I have never experienced trauma so no, I have not been treated for it".  "Dirk, your experiences as a child were in fact traumatic and your symptoms are typical for people that suffer from PTSD" DH said. I leaned back in my chair and considered what she was saying.  "I like her" I said to myself.  All my life I have been looking for that elusive "adjusting screw" that would allow me to tune my life to "normal".  Maybe this is the opportunity I have been seeking for so long. Maybe I am fixable.

I am under no illusions that my life will get better or easier anytime soon.  I am facing almost insurmountable challenges but I am incredibly fortunate with more then ample opportunity to become a better man.

Today I don't prefer death over life.  I think that is progress.