Brotherly love

"I am sorry that I have not been a better brother.  I feel your desire to be closer, and I have not given our relationship the importance it deserves" I told my sister D Saturday night.  I was dropping her off at her house after we went to visit our sister R who is recovering from a shattered ankle at a rehab hospital.  She looked at me for a moment then turned away saying "It is ok D, we are all busy.  I thought you were mad at me over the situation with S (our brother)"  she continued.  "No" I replied.  "I don't know all the details and you were not the one that had him sent to state prison (as a sixteen year old boy)".  My brother never recovered from that incarceration.  I can only imagine the horrors he had to endure.  "The reason why I have not been there for you is because whenever I was around family I became very anxious and depressed.  It had nothing to do with you, and everything to do with my childhood and our fucked up family" I continued.  "But I will do better moving forward.  I will make our relationship a priority".  "Great" D replied.  I reached out and gave her a hug.  Goodnight R, I mean D" I said.  "Hey" she replied with a with a concerned look...  I too wondered why I had called her R.

I often cannot believe the degree of success I have achieved given that my life reads like "The Prince of Tides" screenplay.  With that success though, I feel this keen sense of responsibility that leads to a intense level of guilt.  Am I "earning" this?  I spend a lot of time helping others...  Are my motives pure or am I simply trying to relieve my guilt?  Does it really matter?  Is enough just to do good?  Is is necessary that my motives are pure?  One thing I know; I have changed the lives of many people and that can't be a bad thing.  And, it helps me feel good about myself.  That  is definitely not a bad thing.