WTF...

This morning was a typical cold, crisp winter day. B and I were walking A per our regular routine.  I was in a good mood and B’s achilles tendon was feeling better so we were both enjoying the fresh air.  “B, are you interested in going to a basketball game Thursday at the local university with me and one of the kids from the home?”.  “No, not really” he replied.  I waited a moment then said “is it because the resident from the home is going?”.  “Yeah, I don’t want anything to do with your second family” he replied.  I stopped walking and stood there in stunned silence.  “Are you kidding me?” I asked him as I started walking again looking at him with a incredulous look on my face.  “No” he replied looking straight ahead.  “What the fuck” I said as I once again halted while my mind began to race trying to comprehend both what he had said and what he meant.  I considered the thought that the pain in my gut was due more to my low self-esteem then what he had said.  “No, I know what he meant” I said to myself as I turned and started walking back home; “I am going home” I said without bothering to wait for him.  In the blink of an eye my world was turned upside down.  I was just starting to emerge from months of a deep depression and I suddenly felt worse than at any time in recent history.  I stopped and whirled around to face B who was walking about fifty feet behind me.  “What do you mean by that?” I said.  “Are you saying that you don’t like me volunteering at the adolescent home?”.  B just stood there and did not reply.  “Well” I said my voice rising in anger, a pained look on my face.  “Yes” he replied looking me directly in the eye.  I turned again and walked back home with B trailing behind me.  I couldn’t believe this.  There is nothing in this world more important to me than my job as B’s father.  11 or 12 years ago I recognized that I spent much more time with J than B and starting then, I worked hard to be a better father.  We joined boy scouts, then the cadet group and I spent a lot of time with him; or so I thought.  Shortly after arriving home I walked upstairs and knocking on his open door walked into his room.  “B, I really need to understand what you meant” I said.  “Dad, it just seems like you do all this fun stuff with the kids from the home but not with me” he replied.  “B, you always say no whenever I ask you to do anything" I said.  I was trying to stay in control of my emotions but I could feel my guts spilling all over the floor.  “That is because I don’t like doing stuff with you now” he said.  “You were always depressed and stuff…” he trailed off.  I  could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I turned away. “B, I try so hard” I said in a strained voice as I walked out of the room.  I grabbed my gym bag, got into my truck and left for work.