A local radio show runs a segment once a week called "who's the douche bag?" Listeners submit their entries via email and the dj's pick one that they throw out for discussion and ultimate voting by the listeners to determine who is at fault or "who's the douche bag". Yesterday I was in a foul mood resulting from my disturbing interaction with B in the morning. I had a productive day at work but I could think of little else then my failures as a father. Now I am trying to separate emotion from reality as I contemplate how to best move forward in my relationship with B.
Yesterday B said "I don't want anything to do with your second family". I believe the subtext is that he is angry with me for spending "fun" time with the kids from the adolescent home which he has more or less confirmed.
He also said that "I do fun things with them (the residents) but not with him". The problem with this statement is in the application of the quantitative rule "compared to what". I admit that I don't do much with him at home other then watch TV or movies. I just don't have a lot of motivation at home to do much of anything with the family. But, I spent a lot of time with him outside of the home except for recent years where he has spent more time with his friends. I often invite him to do things with me but he often declines. I have asked him repeatedly if I spent enough time with him and he has always said yes.
He commented on my "constant depression...". This is what hurt the most because he is right. I am disappointed in myself for not working harder to overcome my depression especially when it interfered with my parental responsibilities and opportunities. Many times as I lay on the couch I thought "Your just lazy. Get up and spend some time with your son(s)." But most times I chose the comfort of the clicker instead of pushing myself to do the "right" thing. So now I have to live with that...
I do try to spend time with B but I don't know what else I can do besides ask him to join me in various activities. One of the things that really frustrates me about this episode is that we had a great time watching the Superbowl Sunday night!
I have to be the adult here... My wounded soul wants to lash back out at B as I did this morning by ignoring him. No morning hug or walk with A: no breakfast, not even a word. But that is not who I am... I need to get over this and move on.
Based on my behavior this morning I guess I am the douche bag...
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1 comment:
Tough times. But then you both may need time to sort it out.
He maybe sounds jealous of the kids from the home. It would be easier if he could see himself as a role model for them.
Dunno. My dad volunteered at a kids home and did a lot of stuff with them too. I stopped after a while but not because I was jealous, I had my own friends and my own things to do and wanted to explore them.
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