Family gathering

Yesterday we had D's family over to the house. Overall it was a pleasant day. However, during a spirited men vs. women game of Pictionary, D started getting angry over perceived rule infractions. This set me off and I mentally withdrew from the game for a while. I started to contribute again towards the end but only begrudgingly. Am I just being selfish in not masking my feelings or is a legitimate control issue? I don’t know but I should do better as I am sure I made people uncomfortable.

I suspect this new medicine is not going to work for me. I sometimes feel a very slight improvement in my mood, but I think I could do better with something else.

Feeling sore

Yesterday I went snowboarding with B and his girlfriend. The conditions were marginal with a lot of ice but we had a good time. I took some rather hard falls onto the ice and am rather sore today as a result.

Christmas with the family was very pleasant. D liked the poem I wrote for her. I feel less stress now that most of my Christmas responsibilities are fulfilled.

I may be picking up a new client representing a substantial amount of business. Unfortunately they are located down in Mass but I am happy to have the opportunity.

My mood has been ok but I don't often experience what I would call "joy". I am starting to wonder if Melvin Udall was right when he asked “Is this as good as it gets?”.

D's middle name is Grace...

My home is enchanted as all should be

Magic dances about often unseen

I open my bureau that was empty before

But now it is filled with all that I wore

The bed sheets tossed and covers astray

But when I return it’s tidy and made

I head downstairs with breakfast in mind

But I’ll be cleaning the kitchen ‘cause I didn't have time

I step onto the tile and switch on the light

Again I'm surprised and smile in delight

The counters are clean the dishes all wiped

“It’s magic” I say not the least bit affright

Years have gone by and the magic stayed lit

Through times when I didn't deserve such a gift

I took it for granted, never gave it much thought

But the kindness persisted as if it were bought

But now that I see the fortunate I've known

I must honor the giver with all of my soul

I’ll always give thanks bent on one knee

It was Amazing Grace that took care of me

Let it snow

We have received about two feet of snow over the past week. I now have a snow-blower but miss my plow. Plowing takes minutes while snow-blowing takes hours. I need to get the transmission back into the jeep.

A has a real hard time when we get a lot of snow. The salt gets stuck in her paws and she has to struggle thru the snow to relieve herself.

No power

Thursday night we lost power and we did not get it back until Saturday night. Interestingly, B, D and I played a board game which we have not done in a very long time.

We had been told that we could be without power for up to a week. Saturday D and I began a frantic search for a generator along with 100,000 other people desperate for heat to keep their pipes from freezing. My nephew works at Home Depot and he was able to get us a really nice generator. I spent the rest of the day running around trying to find the parts to make the cable that would tie the generator into the house and after visiting seven hardware stores I had everything I needed to power up our house. As I pulled into our neighborhood I noticed some people had power back. Turning onto our street the brightly lit houses signaled the return of electricity to our area. I was happy to have power back but a bit disappointed that I could not complete the generator mission.

New Biz

Today I am in a relatively good mood. However I have come to the conclusion that I am hopelessly bored spending so much time with one client and I have to find some new business opportunities.

Day three

Today is the third day on meds and I feel pretty good. The side effects have been fairly minimal including feeling tired, slight gastrointestinal issues and some mild anxiety. I would be surprised if my mood was affected by the medicine yet, but the doc said I might feel some effect after a few days.

Are we happy yet?

Today is day II of the Lexperiment. Often, when I go back on meds, my mood improves before the meds have had time to work. That is the case this time around. Let’s hope that the side effects are minimal.

The winnner is....

Lexapro! The most commonly observed adverse events in Lexapro patients (incidence of approximately 5% or greater and approximately twice the incidence in placebo patients) were insomnia, ejaculation disorder (primarily ejaculatory delay), nausea, sweating increased, fatigue, and somnolence

I just took one five minutes ago... I don't feel better yet.

Wind chill

This morning when B and I left to walk A, the thermometer displayed a temperature of 19 fahrenheit and the wind was blowing at approximately 20 miles per hour creating an apparent temperature of 4 degrees fahrenheit. It was cold…

I had a good weekend with chores on Saturday and airsoft milsim yesterday. I took one shot to the face so I have a nice wound on my left cheek.

Today I go see the good doctor to get some happy pills. Grrrrrr.... I hate meds…

Liar, liar

Earlier this week, J and I were discussing repayment of the money that he had stolen from us. I was also pressuring him about my suspicion that he had stolen money from our friends. “The true measure of one’s character is not in the mistakes he makes, but his willingness to take responsibility for them” I said. We sat in silence for a while until he said “I will pay all the money back from my next check”. Noticing an odd inflection in his use of the word “all”, I said “including the money you took from my friends?”. He paused, took a deep breath and said “yes”.

So I should be thrilled right? He took responsibility for his actions. It is like he just hit a home run in little league isn’t it. The cold harsh truth is that he just admitted to fucking over my friends. Friends that had taken him into their house, fed him, taken him on snowmobile trips and done many great things for him.

So how do I feel about this? I am satisfied that he confessed. However, even though I have become somewhat desensitized to J’s outlandish behavior, I am embarrassed and ashamed. I never expected this from my son. I don’t steal. Period... I never have and never will. I taught my kids the same values I believe in and adhere to. It is like I have an alien for a son.

Med-free time coming to an end?

Last night I warned J that he may have to look for another place to live if he did not change his ways. I went on to tell him that based on his recent behavior, I now believe that he stole the money from my friends neighbors and that our relationship would never be the same if he does not take responsibility for his actions.

I will be calling the doc today to discuss antidepressant options. I wish there was another way but I just don't see one at this point.

I raised a lying thief

Last night I confronted J about stealing from, and lying to me again. I hate that he rifles through my personal items looking for hidden money. He will be 19 in May. At what point should I seriously consider booting him out? I know it will change our relationship forever and it is possible that he might not even survive the eviction. But am I doing him a disservice by allowing him to continue with his dishonest ways? Am I an enabler by letting him stay even though he breaks the rules of the house? It will be especially hard for him to get around as he has no license for a few more years.

I now firmly believe that he stole the $300 from my friend’s neighbors as well. My friends already reimbursed their neighbors for the money. I guess I should reimburse them as well now that I believe he stole it. Although, given the he is 18, am I really feal responsponsible for his actions? WTF...

I have decided to start taking some type of antidepressant again. I think there should be more to life than just going through the motions.

A little whine

I have a tendency to adjust my blog postings in effort to make it more appealing to the "plethora" of viewers that read it on a daily basis. Mostly I try not to whine a lot. The problem with editing my writing for the benefit of others is that I lose a therapeutic opportunity for myself. Maybe I need to whine a little more because right now I am pretty unhappy. I have been suffering from a low grade depression since forever and I just want to feel better.

While I am grateful that I am not severely depressed, I wish I did suffer a bit from mania. I rarely laugh and when I do it is never a deep hearty laugh. It is a "oh, this is where I should be laughing" laugh. While I go through the motions of various interests and responsibilities in my life, I feel deprived of the passion that would make life much more enjoyable and possibly lead to greater successes.

Snow soon?

This morning it was a brisk 16 degrees outside when B and I took A for a walk. Most of the ski areas are open and I should think about mounting the plow back onto the jeep.

Better than yesterday

Last night I only spent an hour in Clickerville. I made supper for B and D (hamburgers, oven baked french fries and corn). J came in the house earlier with an old friend (that I don't like) and announced that he would not be joining us for dinner even though we have been doing family dinner on Wednesday's for almost two months. I told him I was disappointed.

Better than yesterday

Last night I only spent an hour in Clickerville. I made supper for B and D (hamburgers, oven baked french fries and corn). J came in the house earlier with an old friend (that I don't like) and announced that he would not be joining us for dinner even though we have been doing family dinner on Wednesday's for almost two months. I told him I was disappointed.

Wasting away in Clickerville

Lately I have been spending too much time in Clickerville. I have many, many responsibilities that I have been neglecting and need to break this pattern. I am also setting a bad example for my family. One day I will look back on this wasted time and wish I had used it more productively.

Life Sucks Than You Die...

I am very tired today having slept only a few hours last night. Yesterday afternoon, D called me in tears. Earlier in the day, a friend of ours had called her about an issue with J. J had spent a few days with our friends recently and after he left, they discovered several hundred dollars were missing from a house J and my friends had visited. They believed J had stolen the money and reimbursed their friends for the loss.

I spoke with J last night and I don't believe he stole it. He has never done anything like this before and he is not a very good liar.

I suspect that this issue will never be resolved and I will never be comfortable with these particular friends again. I mourn the loss of our friendship.

What a shitty time of year to get wacked with a situation like this. I am definitely feeling like a punching bag today.

Bird day

This morning we woke up to a cold, crisp early winter day. It is quiet in the coffee shop; none of the regulars are here.

I enjoyed going to my Dad’s house for Thanksgiving. There was no drama and I enjoyed talking with everyone.

Feeling good

It is cold, dark and raining this morning but I am in a great mood today. Drill was fabulous last night and I am getting along well with the staff and really starting to bond with the kids. We are implementing most of my ideas and you can already see significant improvements in the unit. I must acknowledge that the 1st Sgt is doing an outstanding job and that makes all the difference.

I also will be working with the kids at the adolescent home soon. I am nervous about this new venture though. Many of these kids have been abused and or neglected and bear the emotional scars of their past. I hope that I have the emotional fortitude to manage what will likely be a difficult experience.

Sunday I go to my Dads for Thanksgiving. I am usually anxious about these visits but I am looking forward to this one.

Winter's coming

The digital weather station displayed 30 degrees for an outdoor temperature when B and I left to walk A this morning. I am still wearing my sandals though and hope to do so thru the winter except on the coldest, snowiest days.

I am still pretty down from my experience at the banquet but I am hoping my mood will improve today. D left this morning without giving me the usual kiss and hug so I suspect she is pissed I have been in a foul mood for so long. I called her, we talked a bit and we are fine. We will be having a family dinner tonight.

Alone

I am at B's sports banquet sitting at a cafeteria lunch table by myself. I am surrounded by people that I know, but I have chosen to isolate myself from them. B started the night by pissing me off, telling me at the last minute that we had to bring a salad to the banquet. Then, after I rushed to the grocery store to get the salad, he tells me the banquet is not tonight! Finally, 15 minutes later, he says the banquet is tonight but is starting at 6:30, not 5:30. WTF!

Now I am sitting here having a massive anxiety attack because I know people are talking about me, the father of the kid (J, not B) that was responsible for the fatal accident. Suddenly I spot the sister of the deceased preparing to give out awards. She seems happy… Then she spots me and we lock eyes for a moment until I turn away in shame. I almost can’t bear this. Her husband and son is there as well. A wave of emotions washes over me as I try to process all the thoughts rushing through my mind. I fumble with my Blackberry, keeping my eyes down just trying to make it through the night. My stomach is churning, my face flushed and I feel ill.

I cannot stay in this town… I just don’t think I will ever feel comfortable. Is it right for me to have a normal life? I feel guilty about wanting to feel happy.

I wasn't behind the wheel but as J's father, I still feel responsible. It drives me insane that J is not making something of his life after being responsible for something so tragic.

I wonder how I am ever going to deal with this…

Veterans Day

I had a fabulous weekend with the cadet group. The Vets were grateful for the company and the kids did a great job. At one point, 2 or 3 of the younger cadets were surrounded by a circle of Vets in wheelchairs wielding oversized beach balls. It was a blast just watching them. We stuck to the schedule and the 1st Sgt showed excellent command of the troops.

I was surprised by a statement from the CO during final formation. He announced that he would be stepping back from the unit and I would be taking over. The CO and I had not discussed his announcement prior to making it so I was definitely taken aback. I have mixed feelings about this new responsibility; but overall I am ok with it.

Helping Vets and Kids

Tomorrow I am taking the cadets up to the Soldiers Home and we are spending the day with the Vets. These visits are always very rewarding for everyone involved.

Yesterday I spoke with the USMC Sgt in charge of the NH T0ys for T0ts program. We had a great conversation and our unit will be working with his unit to collect, process and distribute the toys.

Blogging is work?

I am having a difficult time updating my blog lately. In typical ADHD fashion, I lose interest in most things that do not offer a steady dose of excitement and challenge. When the creative (serotonin) juices are flowing, the words just fly of my fingers. However, as of late, writing has been more work than pleasure. I will stick with it though because I want to capture snippets of my life during both good and bad emotional times.

Brrrrrrrr

Winter has thrust herself upon us unsuspecting New Englanders. After a very moderate fall, we woke up today to temperatures in the teens. Yesterday we pushed our kayaks into the river while rubbing our freezing hands. I suspect this may be our last paddle till next spring.

beautiful day

It is a beautiful fall day here In Northern New England. It is also my birthday and I have treated myself to a quad venti no whipped mocha at the Starbucks directly across the street from The Kittery Trading post in Maine. D and I are going kayaking and we need to get a couple of cold weather items.Drill went well last night, I have the day off and I am in a great mood. Life is good today!

Text messaging

Last night for dinner, I made chicken parmesan, homemade mac and cheese (B's favorite) with fruit salad for desert. J had to work so could not join us. However D, B and I had a nice family dinner; up until I mentioned to B that he had exceeded his text messaging limit adding almost $25 to the phone bill. Instead of engaging in a calm mature conversation, B became angry and belligerent. Then D became angry and we all left the table in a huff. WTF...

A good friend of mine will likely be laid off today. I helped him get started in IT and I am hopeful he will find another job quickly.

Time change

B and I take A for a walk most mornings. Lately it has been very dark and not as enjoyable especially when A gets tangled around a tree after her “personal time” in the woods. As much as I loathe the time change and resulting shorter afternoons, it will be nice to walk the dog in the daylight.

There is snow predicted for Okeemo Mountain today and they plan to open Nov 15th. Maybe B and I can be there for opening day.

A little brighter

My mood has improved a bit today even though it is a cold, dark, rainy day. We had dinner as a family last night and D made one of my favorite meals, chicken cordon bleu.

Yesterday I got a call from the Director of the adolescent home I had been working with a few months ago. She asked me if I was still interested in volunteering and I said yes. We are meeting in a few weeks.

Even darker

Yesterday was even worse than the day before. I just can't shake this depression. I wasted 9 hours in Clickerville and another couple this morning before I finally rallied enough to go to work.

Right now, life sucks...

Dark days

Yesterday afternoon sucked. They day started out fine; D, B and I went to the gym. We all had a good workout and everything seemed fine. When we returned home we encountered a couple of scheduling problems that seemed to darken D's mood. Between her bitchiness and the stress of B's driving I finally shut down emotionally and have remained depressed since then. I am going to work today to avoid dealing with life.

The "City"

We thoroughly enjoyed our trip to NYC. We started the day with a loooooong wait in the discount ticket line but successfully procured tickets to Phantom of the Opera. I then frantically searched for a unique espresso cafe, but finding none that fit our itinerary, was relegated to my usual Starbucks latte. Later, we stumbled upon a great Italian restaurant and enjoyed a fantastic lunch. They even had an expresso machine so I did get my authentic NYC latte and it was quite good.

The play was good but I am becoming increasingly concerned that I have an abnormality with my brain that interferes with language processing and comprehension. I simply could not auditorily understand many of the songs. However, I could discern what was happening through the visual elements and snippets of words. D said that she could hear the songs and understood what they were saying. I plan to do some testing to try and recreate my comprehension difficulties.

I was surprised at the intensity of D's emotional response to various songs and segments of the play. She really showed some passion that I don't often see. I will look for some opportunities to view other operatic plays in Boston and the surrounding areas.

Wasting time

Lately I have been spending way too much time in Clickerville. I start thinking about crashing on the couch before I am even out of work. I am setting a bad example for my son and I am neglecting many responsibilities. I wish there was some way I could find more energy in the evening. Last night I should have put my new wheels on my mountain bike and tonight I would have been out riding. What a waste…

Whats on your DVR?

My current DVR list includes Ultimate Fighter, Sopranos, Sons of Anarchy and .............. Sex in the City. The first three are obvious picks for a weight lifting-kick boxing-military wannabe like me; but what's up with the show about woman's shoes and failed relationships? Before you ask me to turn in my man card, understand that the show is entertaining. I laugh out loud, spend 30 minutes "in" The City, and when it is over, I feel a bit more sophisticated. Don't get me wrong; I don't confuse the materialistic, idealistic and often bitchy nature of the lead characters with the norm, but I do feel like I gain a tiny insight into the mind of a "successful" urban female. I even went to see the Sex in the City movie with D. Slumped deep in my seat with my hat pushed down over my face, I was nevertheless riveted to the screen to the very end. I wonder if the other four men in the theater enjoyed the show as much as I did.

Speaking of the “City”, tomorrow D and I get on a bus at 0600 to take a trip to my favorite urban island. I look forward to a good espresso and maybe some thought provoking modern art. If time allows, we will also try to get some tickets to a matinee show on Broadway.

Pumping Iron

I hit the weights hard yesterday and today I am in a better mood. I know that weightlifting produces mood enhancing chemicals such as epinephrine and dopamine, but I am starting to wonder if there is more benefit than I previously thought.

B told me yesterday that he would like to attend some of the premiers at the film festival. Apparently they are playing Sunday so we should be able to go.

Foul mood

I am not doing well today. Motivation continues to elude me and I am in a really foul mood. Work remains a challenge as I cannot concentrate and my productivity sucks. I hope I am feeling better soon as Saturday D and I are taking a bus trip to Manhatten with her office.

When B was younger he expressed interest in moviemaking and said he would like to be a director or producer. I have always encouraged that interest and even bought him a high-quality video camera; but alas his interest never progressed and the camera is rarely used. The NH Film Festival is taking place this upcoming weekend and I asked B if he was interested in attending some of the workshops or premiers. He said yes but when we tried to schedule something he already had plans with his girlfriend. I am trying not to be hurt. I am trying not to be angry. I am really trying not to be vindictive. I am really, really trying to appreciate how incredibly lucky I am to have such a great kid for a son. It isn't about me; it is about him. I cannot lose site of that.

Gettin' Happy

Yesterday I took the day off, mostly to help J paint the car he has been fixing for a friend. I also went for a run with B that ended abruptly when he developed a pain his ankle. The rest of the day was spent working on cadet-related issues, online gaming and practicing guitar. Not the best use of my time, but at least I purposely and successfully avoided Clickerville.

I am not a happy person; but I am also not suicidal. Considering the alternative, that is probably a good thing. I am sure that many of us do, in fact, “…lead lives of quiet desperation”. But I wish that I was happier. I wish that I found more joy in the things that I do. I wish I was less serious and had a better sense of humor. I wish I had more appreciation for my good fortune.

In my humble but possibly naive opinion, happiness is generally not completely dependent on one’s job, family or personal situation(s). It is a state of mind; largely dependent on mood altering chemicals such as serotonin and epinephrine. Certainly environmental factors influence the production of these “happy” chemicals, but in my case my life is good on all fronts, but yet I am still less than happy. WTF...

Rachael Ray I ain't...

Last night I made dinner for the family including chicken parmagiana and caesar salad followed by honey-yoghurt fruit salad and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. I am not a big fan of cooking but everyone seems to enjoy it when I do. Dinner conversation was relaxed and it was nice to be together as a family.

Later I successfully avoided Clickerville and played my guitar instead.

Round one

Yesterday I was officially transferred to the new cadet unit even though my former CO did everything possible to stop it. Yeah! I win round one! I requested and was given the billet of "Training Officer" and I think that for now, I will remain in that supportive position rather than the role of XO.

Last night, I once again spent the evening in Clickerville, but considering that a good portion of that time was taken up watching the debate, I do not feel overly guilty. When I was not watching the debate, I was thinking that I should be doing something else. That is a good sign.

Wednesday’s are my night to cook. This is not something I particularly enjoy, but I know it means a lot to D. Last Wednesday I made Chicken and Broccoli Alfredo. I am not sure what I will make this week.

Gitterdun...

I have been lacking in motivation as of late. It is hard to get up and I have no interest in going to work. Yesterday I flipped the TV on while eating my cereal and remained in Clickerville until 9:30 watching "The Border", a movie made in 1982 starring Jack Nicholson. This laziness is not something I am accustomed to as of late and I hope will not become a habit. I have been spending way too much time in Clickerville lately and I must break out of that routine.

I eventually made my way to work at 11:00 and I was actually productive. I then hit the weights hard at 12:00 and when I returned to work remained focused and industrious.

Make up

As I was writing my last posting, D was doing a little writing of her own. Shortly after arriving at work on Tuesday, I received an email from her explaining why she was upset with me.

Sunday night, we we're lying in bed reading when she leaned over pointing to an article in her magazine and said "Look, it says that woman that have sex four or more times a week tend to live two to three years longer". "I guess you will have to talk to your boyfriend" I replied with a smirk on my face. She laughed and without looking up from my novel I added "Maybe if you spent more time in the gym we would have more sex". You are probably thinking what D thought. But that is not what I meant. What I was trying to say is that she has a greater sexual appetite and initiates lovemaking more often when she exercise regularly. But that is not what I said. Sometime I can be an idiot.

I apologized for my comment and we are fine.

Why are we fighting?

Last night, I arrived home to find D in a less than pleasant mood. She had prepared supper but after about five minutes at the dinner table, she and B had a disagreement that concluded with her leaving the table and spending the rest of the night in our room. B retreated to his room for homework and talking to his new girlfriend and I spent the rest of the evening in Clickerville.

This morning I approached D and asked what was wrong. "I don't want to get into it now" she replied. "Did I do something wrong" I asked. She replied "I don't want to talk about it". So now we are fighting and I don't even know why. "Take care of A, I am going to work" I muttered as I turned and left the room.

College bound

B has an opportunity to take a free SAT prep class free through his school. However, he says that he does not have time. The course will interfere with his X-country meets and he will be up later doing homework. I am really torn between demanding that he take the course or letting him make his own decision. First I will call the school to get more details on the course.

I let him make his own decision about quitting basketball years ago but recently he said that I should not have let him quit. If I don't push him academically, will he wish I had later?

Emotional rollercoaster

Last Friday I discovered that the CO of my old unit was continuing his smear campaign against me, attempting to prevent me from joining the new unit. He asked the "leader" of a local retired military group affiliated with the cadet program to call the CO of my new unit and request that my request to transfer be denied. My new CO waved off the request and said I was welcome to join. My CO then sent me an email informing me of the phone call. I then called the "leader" that had made the call and we had a less then pleasant conversation. Today I got an email from my CO informing me that my transfer was proceeding.

I have to learn that not everyone likes me and some will even try to hurt me. I cannot let these people win by becoming a victim. I must weather these attacks with less of an emotional meltdown.

Goals update

Following is an updated score on my goal achievement:

C - Increase income
D - Improve relationship with oldest son J
F - Read more
F - Write more
F - Play guitar more
B - Work on unpaid taxes
F - Finish stairs
F - Rebuild jeep top
F - AnomonA
D - Meditate more

I have been spending a lot more time with D so I am not completely depressed about my poor scores. I am also managing the bills now and they are all current and I have retained a financial advisor. I am not sure what to do about a goal that I consistently fail to achieve such as playing the guitar. I guess I have to question my motivation for setting the goal.

Frosty pumpkins

Today, for the first time in months, I am writing this post from inside the coffee shop. The temperature has dipped into the forties and it is more comfortable sitting in the comfy chair by the front window.

While walking A this morning, B told me that the "friend" he was taking to the school dance this weekend was having second thoughts. She was going to hang out with a friend instead of attending the dance. Although B did not seem overly disappointed, I wonder how he really feels. He also asked my advice about another girl that he really likes who is apparently going to the dance with someone else. "She asked me why I was ignoring her" he said. "How would you respond Dad?" I replied "First I would consider my response carefully before I delivered it. Honesty is generally the best policy and I would probably tell her that you were disappointed that she was attending the dance with someone other than you; and that you just needed some space for a bit. If you really like her, remain persistent in your pursuit. High school relationships rarely last."

As Harry Chapin said, “I have never been a pick-em-up kinda guy” so I am not sure how good my advice is. He is a bright kid though so I am sure he will adapt to the situation.

Living life

Saturday
0700 - Winterize pool
0900 - Depart for x-country meet
1000 - Arrive x-country meet
1130 - Depart for in-laws camp
1230 - Arrive at in-laws camp to winterize
1600 - Depart for shopping and errands
1800 - Arrive at restaurant for dinner with family and friends
2100 - Depart for Dairy Queen
2130 - Indulge in large Reeses-Peanut Butter-Cup Blizzard
2200 - Arrive home and pass out

Sunday
0700 – Load up gear for kayaking with D
0800 – Depart for kayaking
0830 – Kayaking
1100 – Return home
1130 – Clean and stow kayaking gear
1230 – Finish winterizing pool
1800 – Depart for service call
2100 – Return home, hang in Clickerville for an hour
2200 – Lights out

Drill

Last night I went to drill at the new unit. Within five minutes the CO asked me if I would like to be XO. While they really need an XO, I am not sure that I am up for the commitment. It feels great to be working with the kids again. It is a small group but I believe the 1st Sgt will do a great job. Some members of my old unit are transferring into this unit so I will be working with old friends as well.

A few weeks back I spent some time with D's sister and brother in law listening to and advising them on difficulties they were experiencing with their teenage son. Yesterday D spent time with her sister and apparently they are using and benefitting from my recommendations. Hearing that I made a positive difference in someone’s life is the best antidepressant I have ever had; and I have had them all :-).

Lucky me

D came down the stairs carrying the new wool sweater she purchased at the Seafood Festival. "I will walk A with you this morning" she said reaching for the door. "I think B is coming" I replied with a wince in my voice. "Walking A in the morning is our thing" I mumbled somewhat nervously. I did not want to hurt D's feelings but walking A in the morning has become an important routine for B and me. We talk about work, school, and running and update each other on what’s happening in our lives. It is something we both look forward to. I walked over, smiled at D and hugged her tightly. "I still love you D" I said. "Ok, I will do dishes instead" she replied with no hint of disappointment in her voice; but I could see it in her face. As B, A and I walked down the driveway, I said to him “We should invite Mom sometimes. I think she would like that”. B nodded in approval.

He is such a great kid. I am incredibly fortunate to be his Dad.

My blog

Today I was talking with the baristas at my favorite coffee shop and I mentioned that I updated my blog whilst drinking my coffee. They asked me for the address but I told them that my blog is anonymous. "It is a private blog I share with the world" I said. None of my friends, family or associates has ever seen my blog. And I have never exchanged contact information with any of my readers. It is this cloak of anonymity that allows me to share my innermost thoughts and feelings.

They moved the comfy chairs away from the front window at the coffee shop and replaced them with wooden chairs and tables. I feel like Jack Nicholson in “As Good as it Gets” when he was pissed that people were sitting in his chair at the restaurant where he eats breakfast. I suppose a little bit of OD is not a bad thing. The antithesis is apathy which is a sure sign of depression for me.

More time please...

I'll have one large coffee, a bagel and, oh yeah, 3 extra hours of free time.

When I was back sitting on the couch in Clickerville, I just wanted time to pass. Now that I am living life, time passes too fast. I can feel the stress building with every new commitment. My blood pressure rises and my heart begins to beat erratically. Meditation is one of the best remedies for my anxiety but given my ADD-based need for stimulation it is REALLY hard to sit still for any length of time.

Axons and dentrites

I cannot remember his name... He played Robin Williams' partner in the “Birdcage”. He also played opposite Matthew Broderick in “The Producers”. I spent most of my commuting time this morning trying to remember his name. I know the answer; I just can't retrieve it. This is a game I play to try and rebuild my synapse's responsible for knowledge retrieval.

This morning I helped B with his vocabulary words after we walked the dog. The words were 11th grade level and I only knew about half of them.

I accept my cognitive deficiencies but it still frustrates me when I struggle to learn or recall information. It is pretty amazing for a guy that is an IT consultant.

From now on I am going to learn one new word per day. Now if I could just remember one from B's list :-)

Brrrrrrr...

Last night the temperature dipped into the forties. Further North, some people experienced their first frost. This morning it was a cold ride into town. I need to finish up the hard top for the jeep if I want to continue driving it. I even considered writing this posting from the warmth of the coffee shop but instead opted to take my usual seat outside.

B and I walked A for the first time since she had surgery. It is nice to get back to our old routine. He is pretty stressed out with homework. I need to find something fun for us to do in between wakeboarding and snowboarding.

I am starting to sacrifice family time for work. It pains me to do this but we really need the money. However, I have been taking time off to go to B's x-country meets which helps to balance my time between work and home.

Last night I went to my second drill at the cadet unit. It was uneventful and I helped out where I could. I seem to make the 1st Sgt nervous. I need to spend some time with him so he is more comfortable around me.

When I am this busy I don't seem to have time for depression or concerns about spending too much time in Clickerville. Lately I watch very little TV. D remarked yesterday that she never sees me. I reminded her that I could be sitting at home, depressed, spending all my time in Clickerville. "I need to live life" I said to her. She understands and we agreed to go kayaking this weekend.

I am so incredibly fortunate that D is so tolerant of my needs and habits. I must work more diligently to return the courtesy.

Lots of work

I am getting multiple calls for work but I am lacking motivation. I will work my way through it but it would be nice if I were a bit more upbeat.

I heard back from the National Director of the cadet program and it appears that my transfer will be approved. Yeehaa....

Self-inflicted stress

My quest to rejoin the cadet organization has been once again derailed due to the efforts of my former friend and CO. I had planned to join another unit while I work through the process of starting my own unit, but I was just informed that my request was denied due to a unresolved "legal allegation". I am sure it has something to do with the ridiculous accusations my former CO made concerning the old equipment at my office (which I have since returned) but I don't know for sure. I think it is time to get my lawyer involved. I need to put an end to this absurd personal vendetta that my former CO is engaged in.

I could stop all of this madness by quitting my attempt to start my own unit. But then evil would triumph over good. I don't know that I can stand by and let that happen. On the other hand, we should be careful of what we “win”.

A better day

This morning I am back at my favorite coffee shop feeling a little better (emotionally) than yesterday. I drove B to school in the Celica but went back home to get the Jeep so I could drive it into work. Mornings are getting colder and my days of driving the jeep without the top are numbered.

Recently, I noticed that in my blog, I do not mention D very often other than logistical references. My relationship with D is complicated. We have been through some incredibly difficult times and she stood by me through the darkest hours of my depression while I treated her like shit. We are very different people with dissimilar backgrounds. Yet somehow we make it work. I am glad we discovered a common interest in kayaking because she does not share my interest in other outdoor sports such as snowboarding, wakeboarding, running and biking. I love D with all my heart and soul but I am not as attentive as I should be. This is something I will work on.

Another blah day

Today I am feeling lethargic, even though I had a great weekend! Saturday I fished all day (didn’t catch anything). Sunday was household chores and then we had D's family over for a BBQ. Yesterday, D and I went kayaking in the AM and I helped J work on a car in the PM. I am being generous when I say I "helped" as J disappeared after about 10 minutes leaving me to fix his friends car. Life is good and I have little stress to deal with (knock on wood).

I should be bright and cheery today eager to do battle. Instead I feel like an ungrateful whiner.

Fall in the air

Today I dropped B off for his first day of school. While the piercing screech of the early morning alarm was an unwelcome intruder into my morning dreams, I am pleased to be thrust back into a morning routine. Making breakfast and helping B get ready for school makes me feel like a good Dad.

It was a cold jeep ride today warranting gloves for the first time this year. I wonder how long it shall be before I am forced to write these posts from the warm side of the large window in the front of the coffee shop, hopefully sitting in the comfy chair.

Back from the lake

I am back from vacation part II and I feel rested and ready to do battle. I am diving back into work today and I have even begun to think of expanding my business. I enjoy spending time at the lake and I need to make more money in the winter to enjoy more time off in the summer.

Bright, beautiful sun

Yesterday we hit a bunch of rain storms on the way up to the lake; some were very intense with torrential downpours. Today it is absolutely beautiful. We went wakeboarding at 0700 and then I went for a short bike ride. I am writing this post from the deck of the coffee shop on the causeway.

J and I had a blowout this morning after he wrapped the tow line around the boat propeller. When I tried to explain he is responsible for all aspects of the boat when on the helm he got all bent out of shape and tried to blame the incident on B who had thrown the line. Often, when we have a disagreement, he storms away in anger but I am getting better at reeling him back in. Later I let him take the boat out with his girlfriend and friend.

Vaca Part II

Today I am meeting a friend for coffee. He is recently married with a new child and reminds me of myself when I was in my twenties. A few years back I got him out of the trades and into IT support. Unfortunately, he has not progressed any further than help desk support. It will be difficult to support a family on what he makes. I have tried to coach him career-wise over the years, but he is not real motivated.

We leave for vacation part II tomorrow. The boat is done and I am excited to get out wakeboarding

Yesterday I took J to Concord for his DMV hearing. The prosecutor recommended a 3 to 4 years loss of license with an additional two years suspended with good behavior. However, the Hearing Officer deferred his decision and we will not know the results for 10 – 15 days.

Emotionally, I am feeling a little better today. I have not taken any meds but I am excited about heading up to the lake. J is only staying with us Saturday and Sunday so things should be calm from Monday on.

Dichotomy

It is a stunningly beautiful day in the town square today. Yet my mood continues to be dark and stormy. Depression can overcome its victim in many ways. Some experience a sudden change in their life that triggers an immediate depressive episode. For me, the loss of joy and interest gradually permeates my soul much like the sea into a sinking vessel. Initially unnoticed by the crew, the ship begins to take on water in its deepest compartments. She becomes sluggish and slow to respond. By the time the crew discovers the hull has been compromised, she is foundering and the crew struggles to start the pumps. Some want a distress call sent out; but the veteran crew members insist they can save the ship without any help.

I really don't want to go back on meds; but also do not want to crash upon the rocks just as I am starting my vacation.

hospitals

Today I am writing this post from Childrens Hospital. We brought B here to see a neurologist about his muscle development issues. We have met with the intern and she conducted a battery of tests and asked many, many questions. We are now waiting for the neurologist to join us. B is doing fine overall. We just would like to understand why he cannot keep up with his peers physically.

Entrepreneur

Owning your own business has many advantages but one major drawback is no paid vacation. This is the first nice day we have had in a while and instead of a day off I am heading to work so I can make up some hours.

Today I ran a 5k with B. I stayed back with him and we ran a 24:32. I must admit that I had hoped for a better time especially with a 7:15 first mile... However, B did his best and I can live with that.

I continue to be in a foul mood. It is probably best that I go to work. I hope my mood improves over the week so I am feeling better for the second week of our vacation.

Home again

I am back in town sitting outside my favorite coffee shop enjoying my favorite beverage. I should be completely relaxed after six days of vacation but instead I am somewhat stressed. We dropped A off at the vet today for her knee operation. This is her second $3,000 surgery and it pains me to think of what else I could have spent that money on. Absent any other factors (such as my son) I am not sure whether I would have paid for the surgery.

Apparently my application to form a cadet unit has been held up largely because of the efforts of the asshole CO of my former unit. He is doing everything possible to stop the new unit and I am beginning to lose interest. I am will wait till I return from vacation in two weeks before investing any significant effort into this endeavor.

Good Ride

I just completed a 32 mile bike ride around long lake and I am sitting down at the causeway outside the coffee shop enjoying my well-earned latte. I brought my crackberry on this ride in case I broke down in some remote area. The mapping feature came in handy at the top of the lake when I was unsure as to which road to take.

This morning we were out wakeboarding at 0700 and the conditions were perfect. We are all jumping the wake now and it is just too much fun.

J, his girlfriend and girlfriend’s sister left yesterday. I love J dearly but he adds a lot of stress whenever he is around. We tend to disagree over even the simplest issues.

Vacation Part I

I am writing this post sitting on my boat, drinking a beer after a hard day at work pulling the kids around on wakeboards. Everyone had a good day today and we are enjoying the weather after a lot of rain. Camping in tents is less than fun when the thunder-storms are rolling through.

Work has been quiet and I have not heard much about my request to form the cadet unit so I have been able to relax and enjoy my vacation.

Trust

Yesterday B observed J driving his girlfriend’s car. While it is legal for J to drive, it is also stupid and needless. His motor vehicle hearing is next month and he will definitely lose his license for multiple years, possibly seven. His lawyer and I had advised him not to drive out of respect for the family of the deceased and to avoid any traffic violation that might adversely impact his motor vehicle hearing. He had agreed not to drive but apparently his word is still worthless. To make matters worse, he lied to D when she questioned him about it.

He is going up to the lake with us tomorrow and I have to sit on my emotions till we return as I don't want to start my vacation fighting with J.

Jeep Weather

I drove my jeep into town for the first time since last fall. I spent all day Sunday performing repairs on her so she would pass inspection which she did. I really enjoy driving the jeep and today was a great day to do so.

We received approval yesterday from the local Marine Reserve Center authorizing us to start a new cadet group operating out of their facilities. Now I am waiting for approval from the cadet group's National offices. I am feeling a bit schizophrenic about this new venture... When I think about working with the kids, I get very excited; when I think about the adult BS and politics, I become a bit tentative.

Just a day

I feel a little off today. I am not in a bad mood, but feeling a bit irritable.

A, our yellow lab, has been limping badly so I will likely have to take her to the vet today.

Last night I went mountain bike riding with a group of guys. I did very well other than some mechanical issues.

Back at the lake

This morning I am writing this blog entry while sitting outside the coffee shop up at the lake. Elissa, the barista working this morning, brewed me a great mocha latte. Yesterday we experienced severe thunderstorms with torrential downpours. At the time, I was en route to the new Cabellas store in Scarborough leaving B and his cousin to weather the storm at the campsite. They did a great job securing the gear from the rain.

Today is change-over day so the little two-lane causeway in front of me is choked with traffic in both directions. Half the people are excited to start their vacation while the other half likely feel sad that their vacation is almost over.

Last week D and I attended a wake. Kneeling in front of the open casket, my mind raced as I anxiously questioned my belief system. I genuflected out of respect for the woman I knelt before and bowed my head as if in prayer. "Should I be concerned about my unwillingness to believe in a god that punishes people for their lack of spiritual faith" I asked myself. I barely knew the white haired woman lying before me clutching a rosary in her hands. "It is just a cold lifeless body" I thought to myself. "Why am I so anxious?" Perhaps looking death squarely in the face causes one to question his mortality and what, if anything, awaits him in the afterlife.

Life is STILL good

Sunday we visited J in the county jail. He appears to be doing well and we had an excellent visit. He gets out this Sunday morning. Two weeks is not a long time but it feels like an eternity.

I am heading up to the lake tomorrow with B and his cousin. We will spend a few days wake-boarding and snorkeling. My next blog entry will likely be created from the coffee shop down on the causeway. I plan to spend a lot of time up at the lake this year.

I met with the CO of the local Marine Corps reserve center and he all but agreed to host the new cadet group that I am considering starting. If all goes well, we should be up and running within a couple of months. It will be quite a benefit to drill with actual marines. The unit that we will be stationed with is a hardened unit with many of the soldiers having served in Iraq and Afghanistan. I expect they will have some sobering stories to share along with a wealth of experience.

I continue to enjoy good emotional health and I am hopeful it will last at least through the summer. I have been exercising a lot lately, sometimes twice a day, and I am down to 200 lbs. I can actually see a bit of a 6 pack emerging. Not bad for a 40 something mid-lifer. I am convinced that the protein powder I have been taking has had a positive influence on my mood as well. Last night I went mountain biking for the first time in 8 years. I used to be a mountain biking addict before the depression set in.

I really feel like I am starting to live again. Let’s hope the other shoe does not drop anytime soon.

Very hard day

Yesterday D and I stood in shock with tears rolling down our face as the sheriff escorted J out of the courtroom. While we had expected this to happen, it was still unbelievably painful to experience. “I love you Dad, I love you Mom” J blurted out just before the door closed behind him. He was 18 but in so many ways he was just a little child.

Now we faced another difficult task. We had asked our lawyer to arrange a meeting with the victim’s family so that we could express our condolences for their loss. “I can’t do it” D said looking up at me sobbing. “It is what you would want if you were in their place” I replied. I was beside myself with grief but I knew we had to speak with the family. Our lawyer had advised us for legal reasons not to contact the family or in any way apologize until the trial was over. Now it was time to tell them how sorry we were. “I will go first’ D said as she squared her shoulders and marched into the room. The family was waiting there and D began to tell them how sorry we were. She talked about her family and how close they were and how she could not imagine how horrible it must be to lose a family member. When she was done I also expressed my sympathy. “I drive by the scene of the accident every morning and afternoon. There is not a day I do not think about what your family must be going through.” When we were done, they thanked us and wished us well telling us that our words meant alot to them.

Overall the hearing went as well as we could have expected. The judge accepted the plea arrangement and J will spend two weeks in county jail. As long as he behaves for the next two years, we will be done with the legal aspect of this tragedy. The victim’s family spoke at the hearing and while they are understandably angry at J for their loss, they made it clear that they believe that J was given a gift. He should live his live in a manner that honors the victim’s memory. “Maybe you can share your experience with other kids” one family member said. They all made it clear that J should make something of his life. I hope he takes their advice to heart.

Listening to the family speak about the loss of their father, brother, uncle or son was gut-wrenching. I had compartmentalized my feelings about their loss; instead, focusing on helping J over the past two years. I learned the victim was the same age as me. I did not know that until yesterday. Somehow he seems more human now and their loss more profound. We all have much emotional turbulence ahead of us and I hope that everyone finds their way safely.

Saving gas

This morning I sit outside my favorite coffee shop enjoying a mocha Frappuccino with an extra shot. I am in a great mood after riding my bicycle into town today. I am also happy that I avoided Clickerville last night and finished assembling my welder instead.

J informed me yesterday that he will be moving out in August. He and his girlfriend are moving into an apartment with another couple. I wish I could give him the benefit of foresight because I know how this will end. However, it is good for him to learn this lesson and get it out of his system.

B told me that his going to give up basketball because he just “isn’t good enough”. I told him that if he wants to play basketball, than he should play. He does not necessarily have to be the best. He is attending basketball camp and is having a tough time because he has not played in many years.

Monday J goes to court and we have a plea agreement with the prosecuting attorney. As long as the Judge approves the agreement, we will be done with legal aspect of this horrible tragedy.

Why am I happy?

Recently I was reviewing some of my previous postings authored during a recent depressive period. It caused me to wonder why I have been relatively happy for the last 6 months or so; and more importantly, why have I been able to maintain my healthy emotional state without using medication? Generally I am not prone to reviewing the molars of a donated horse. However, I often feel like I am one crisis away from another debilitating depression and I want to better understand what influences the ebb and flow of my emotional well being.

Wednesday morning B and I went for a 25 mile bike ride. We talked about how we would be remembering that ride in the future. It was a beautiful day and we just enjoyed each others company.

Delivery boy

Now that school is out for the summer, my morning routine is completely screwed up. B would rather not get up at 5:45 to walk the dog and we plan to do more bike-riding and running in the morning. This morning we were preparing to walk the dog at 6:30 when J called asking me to bring him his work ID that he had forgotten. So like a dutiful father I changed my plans and delivered his badge to him. He has been talking about moving out of the house. Who will he call for courier service when he is out on his own?

Yesterday I said goodbye to my shrink. He has done a good job; but I am doing well so I don’t see a real benefit in continuing our sessions at this point. I realize that I will likely be back to see him at some point in the future but it feels good to part ways at least for now.

Tough Decision

I had previously decided not to start a new cadet unit, but after talking with my friend P (my future XO) I agreed to meet with a few people to see where this goes. I am really enjoying all the time that would have otherwise been spent with the cadet group; but I really miss the kids and the program.

Bike Week

Yesterday J and I went to a motorcycle hill-climb event that was staged as part of Bike Week, an annual 10 day motorcycle rally held in Laconia NH. The hill-climb itself was fun to watch, though a bit more tame than I expected. Afterwards we went to Weirs Beach, the epicenter of the rally to check out the bikes and attractions. We enjoyed looking at all the bikes but the rest of the event was little more than vendors selling t-shirts, sunglasses, hot sausages and hand cut french fries. Pretty lame in my opinion.

As we drove home I began to grow lethargic and started thinking about how I was going to spend the rest of my day. I knew that if I did not stay strong and determined I would end up sitting in Clickerville wasting away. However, when I arrived home I promptly moved my jeep into the driveway and started dissecting the front body mount in preparation for its replacement. I did not stop until 8:00 PM. I am thrilled that I avoided Clickerville and made some progress on my jeep.

Tired

Lately I have been feeling a bit run down. It is hard to concentrate at work and I don't have a lot of energy. I could easily take an Adderall but I hate taking medication.

J accepted a job at a local gun manufacturer. Apparently he was hired to load type into a jig and press a button on a machine that stamps a gun. He will repeat this process approximately 500 times per day. I don't see him staying at that job for more than a few weeks. Maybe now he will develop an appreciation for the value of a good education.

Who cares anymore?

Recently I took J to a psychiatrist to explore medicinal options that would help him control his anger problems. We met with a highly-recommended doctor who asked many good questions and we agreed to meet again. When we arrived for the second visit, I waited in the lobby while J met with the doctor. After about five minutes they invited me to join them. The doctor than outlined his recommended treatment plan that started with J taking the drug Risperdal. I asked the doctor to tell us about the drug including its potential side effects and he gave us a cursory overview and said J might experience some weight gain. That was it… No further explanation. We agreed to try it and he wrote us a script.

Later I spent some time researching the drug and I was horrified to discover that it was an extremely risky product with possible side effects including:

Somnolence, increased appetite, fatigue, rhinitis, upper respiratory tract infection, vomiting, coughing, urinary incontinence, increased saliva, constipation, fever, tremors, muscle stiffness, abdominal pain, anxiety, nausea, dizziness, dry mouth, rash, restlessness, and indigestion.

Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome (NMS) is a rare and potentially fatal side effect reported with RISPERDAL and similar medicines.

Tardive Dyskinesia (TD) is a serious, sometimes permanent side effect reported with RISPERDAL and similar medications. TD includes uncontrollable movements of the face, tongue, and other parts of the body.

RISPERDAL and similar medications can raise the blood levels of a hormone known as prolactin, causing a condition known as hyperprolactinemia. Blood levels of prolactin remain elevated with continued use. Some side effects seen with these medications include the absence of a menstrual period; breasts producing milk; the development of breasts by males; and the inability to achieve an erection.

High blood sugar and diabetes have been reported with RISPERDAL and similar medications.

What really freaked me out was that Tardive Dyskinesia affliction could remain permanently! This drug is generally used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I am very concerned that anyone would recommend this medication to treat a mild anxiety/irritability disorder.

I am really pissed off and I view this doctor as uncaring and out of touch with his patients, at least J.

Now I need to figure out what do to next. WTF…

J's Lucky Day!

We won our appeal so J will officially graduate with his class this Friday. Based on his poor judgement and pathetic class attendance he deserved to be held back; but I am happy that he was not. Keeping Josh focused on school for the past 12 years has been incredibly difficult (hell) and I am very proud of J for earning his diploma.

He says that he will be moving out within the next few months. I think his quest for independence will be good for him and our relationship but I really don't want to see him go. However, given is lack of maturity and responsibility as well as the contentious relationship he has with his girlfriend, I expect he will be back.

We met with the lawyer yesterday and we are moving forward with the plea arrangement. If all goes well we should be nearing the end of the legal aspect of this horrible event.

Hot!!!

The temperature has been in the mid 90's for the past two days and forecasters predict the oppressive heat will continue through today. D and I spent most of the weekend working in the yard so I am looking forward to a cool day in an air conditioned office.

The school is allowing J to make up his missed finals so now we just have to explain why he missed, or was late for an excessive amount of English classes. If we lose the appeal, he will be allowed to walk on graduation day with his class, but will have to go to summer school to get his English credit. He says that he will not go to summer school. But believe me, he will.

I have been in a fairly good mood lately even though I have been off meds (except for one difficult day) for approximately three weeks. I am often envious of other people for whom laughter and playfulness comes so easily. However, I can generally accept that a "fairly good mood" is way better than feeling suicidal.

Update – I just got off the phone with the Asst. Principle at J’s school and after a lengthy discussion I was unable to get some type of exception for J. The Asst. Principle had one remarkably lucid quote though; “When J shows up for class 10 minutes late with a Dunkin Donuts coffee in his hand, it is hard to muster up sympathy for him”. Raising teens SUCKS!!!

Raising Teens Sucks!!!

Today I found out that J missed his English final and may fail as a result. That means he does not graduate. WTF!!! Doesn't this ever get easier? I try to help him but he just argues with me saying that I don't know what I am talking about. I will have to call the school and find out what his options are. Some might say to let him fail; I can't do that.

Yesterday I was somewhat wired from the meds and had a pretty good day as a result. Unfortunately, I crashed when I got home. My mood deteriorated to the point where I was a bit of an ass. Unfortunately my in-laws were over so I did not pick the best night to be a bitch.

Thank God for Quad venti no-whipped mocha’s…

Demons

Yesterday I had to face my demons and my demon was me. B shared with me an essay he recently wrote for school about an incident that occurred approximately four years ago when I was in the worst of my depressive period. Following is an excerpt:

Pancake Day started like any other day. My Dad woke me up, told me to get myself ready and left the room. I rose out of bed, placidly dressed myself in my regular attire and went downstairs. Amazingly my Dad had made breakfast for me. It was a nice steaming hot batch of pancakes. I thanked my Dad and sat down to begin eating when we heard a door slam upstairs. I heard my contentious brother screaming at my Mom. “No, fuck you! If I don’t want to go to school today than I damn well have a right not to. Jesus Christ, leave me the hell alone!” When my Dad heard this he bolted up the stairs. “J, what the fuck is wrong with you?” I sat at the breakfast table holding my fork. The normally palatable pancakes sitting in front of me untouched; I wasn’t very hungry anymore. “I don’t want to go to school today!” Still, I just looked at the pancakes. “You can’t make me do anything!” The steam was still rising from the pancakes when I heard my Dad explode. Words can’t explain the scream that came out of his mouth. I had no inkling about what happened to my brother, but I heard him crying. My Dad came running down the stairs. “What the fuck is wrong with you kids?” He said it like a statement, not a question. I started to cry. My Dad started pacing. I still remember sitting at the table holding my fork and watching the steam roll off the pancakes. He suddenly went upstairs again than hurriedly came back down the stairs. He looked at me crying. I could feel the salty taste of the tears rolling into my mouth. He saw the pancakes and charged towards me like a madman and furiously ripped them away. “You don’t deserve these. You are worthless!” He chucked them into the trash and stormed out of the house.

Last night, as I read the essay my body stiffened, my mouth went dry and I began to tremble. As I struggled to compose myself, I wrestled with conflicting emotions. I was angry at myself for the pain I have inflicted upon my family. I was angry at B for sharing with his teacher what was likely my worst day as his Father. I was concerned that his teacher might feel compelled to report me as an abusive Father. However, I felt the need to mask my emotions and discuss this essay with its author without making the conversation about me. Ultimately I was unable to completely mask my emotions and I wish I would have had more strength to do so. B and I talked more about the essay this morning while walking the dog and we are working through it.

I don’t ever remember calling either of my sons “worthless”. To the best of my recollection, I have always separated the act from the person. I also don’t remember using the foul incendiary language B described in his essay. However, the factual representation is less important than the memory it left.

Depression sucks… It tears people and families apart. I am lucky that I had a wife that stayed by my side and insurance that paid for meds.

I have been off my meds for over two weeks… Today I took a strong dose of the antidepressant and stimulant. I am in danger of sliding back into the black abyss of nothingness.

Kids are calling

The Cadet unit I recently left is apparently falling apart. I have been getting calls from kids and adults asking me to start another unit. The thought of starting my own unit is very appealing, but the major drawback is that I would likely have to locate it at a Marine Reserve Center, which is located approximately 45 minutes west of my home. I would also begin a battle with the local CO as many of his kids would defect to my unit. I really miss working with the kids and many of the military aspects of the program including close order drill. But I am also enjoying my free time and reduced stress. I have been discussing the idea with B but he has shown little interest in returning to the cadet group. It is unlikely that I will start a unit; but I wish I could. I just have to accept this choice and move on.

Coffee at the beach

Today I am enjoying my coffee whilst gazing out at the calm blue waters of the Atlantic Ocean. It is a beautiful, sunny morning and the sleepy little beach town has yet to wake up. With envy, I watch the charter boat captains navigating their fishing boats past the jetty en route to their favorite fishing spots in search of haddock, cod and flounder. A treasure hunter walks by me wielding his metal detector up and down the beach looking for lost gold and silver.

My treasure lies in this moment of appreciation.

Memorial Day

Today I sit outside my usual coffee shop. I have treated myself to a QUAD venti no-whipped mocha. It is a beautiful day in the town square and many people are scurrying around preparing for today’s events including a parade.

Yesterday was J's birthday and I did not speak one word to him. I am still seething with anger over his yelling and swearing at D and myself. Today I am working so I probably will not see him. I am very close to booting him out of the house. I have warned him countless times that I would not tolerate the way he yells and swears at us. However, I am very worried about what would happen to him with no place to live; but I feel like he is boxing me into the corner.

Yesterday D, B and I went to my in-laws camp to help them open it up. Afterwards I took B and my nephew out wake boarding. My nephew and I got up very quickly but B never did. I watched helplessly as he tried over and over to get up. I am sure he is incredibly frustrated. I plan to take him wake boarding real soon so he can work on his technique.

Shitty start

J's 18th birthday is tomorrow and we are trying work out some conflicting obligations. D committed us to opening her parents camp tomorrow and J told us some time ago that he had to be home at 4:00 on his birthday as some friends of his were taking him to Canobie Lake Amusement Park. So we planned to celebrate J's birthday at my inlaws camp getting him home by 4:00. This morning J told me that he was not going to open the camp because D told him we would not be home by 4:00. When I approached D about the situation it became obvious that she was more concerned about her parent’s camp than J's birthday and I told her so. I than approached J about rescheduling Canobie Lake and he started yelling and swearing at me. So I did what any red blooded American male would do; I went to work.

Hope

I continue to be plagued with a swollen and sore-ridden mouth and tongue. However, that is good news because I discontinued my anti-depressant four days ago so maybe something else is causing my oral affliction. I am hoping it may be the tooth whitener in my toothpaste. Time will tell...

Without my anti-depressant my world has turned to shades of grey. Nothing excites me and I struggle to stay focused and motivated.

The Masses of Men...

Thoreau had it right... So many of us are just trying to get through the day. Today I feel lousy... Day three of no meds and my mouth is still killing me. I also passed up my morning latte to put some more hours on the books. The only thing keeping me going now is the gym and concern over B's upcoming college expenses. I hope my week gets better.

Lost in thought

Once again I had to stop taking my antidepressant. My tongue and lips are swollen and sores are beginning to reappear. I made it through a 12 hour workday yesterday with no medication and I am hoping to do the same today. I have the Adderall but I am hoping I can remain emotionally stable without it.

I am starting to realize that I do not like thinking except when I am actively trying to resolve a problem at hand. D asked me to help her out with a word scramble when we were away but I quickly became frustrated and lost interest even though she clearly hoped we would solve it together. When I drive I avoid thinking by listening to talk radio. I should create a list of items requiring consideration and begin to develop my thinking skills.

Wasting away in Clickerville

Last Wednesday D and I went up north for a few days. We started at Mt Washington and then drove over to Camden ME. It was a great trip and we had a lot of fun.

However, yesterday I spent the entire day in Clickerville! J pissed me of in the morning and I never recovered. One day I will mourn the loss of that day.

Anniversary

Today I am in the Concord Starbucks on my way to the White Mountains with D. We are celebrating our 21st anniversary with a romantic getaway. It will be nice to have a couple of days off.

This morning I started taking my antidepressant again. The past two weeks I have been off the medication to allow my mouth time to heal up. The past few days have been tough emotionally. Life was beginning to look dark and meaningless. I am also very anxious about some issues on the home front including paying for B's college tuition and the termination of J's health insurance in a few weeks when he turns 18. I am hopeful that the medication will kick in quickly so I can better enjoy my time with D.

My Boy is Home!

I am so happy that B is home! We spent the entire weekend together doing chores, running and just hanging out. He is also very happy to be back with us. B loved his trip to France but he definitely missed being home. D is also thrilled to have him back. She was so excited Friday I thought she was going to explode!

B was speechless when he saw his newly decorated room. He loves the colors, the paint and the new floor. I hope he keep it cleaner now.

I have started working with the group home. My first project is to help them with a web page but I hope to be working with the kids in a few weeks when my background check is complete.

Thursday I predicted to D that I would be running the home one day. It should be an interesting path leading to that destination.

Feel Like Shit

I am in day two of a bout with tonsillitis. The pain had abated a bit yesterday but it is back in force today. I am also trying to get by on 30% of my usual antidepressant medication. While I am feeling run down emotionally and physically, I am functional and working through my weekend chores.

B called from France and he said that the trip was going well. Apparently his host family is keeping him busy. Yesterday he went to Strousberg and the day before to an amusement park. I really miss him :-(

We have stripped and prepped B’s room and will start painting it today.

Bright Sun

This morning I am sitting outside the coffee shop basking in the brilliant sunshine of a warm spring morning. Yet, when I walked the dog with J this morning there was a coating of frost on the vehicles and front lawn. That means that all the retailers that left their annuals outside will have to either throw them away or sell flowers they know will be dead in a week.

I have started to reduce my anti-depressant in effort to determine if it is the cause of the sores in my mouth. I have an appointment with my shrink tomorrow to discuss how I can work through this period without returning to my previous depressive state.

I can already feel some of my motivation slipping away and some irritability returning. I wonder if thirty days from now I will continue to be content or back to feeling miserable.

No Kids

B made it to France safely and I miss him already. He sent an email to us in which he said he missed us :-( I have been corresponding with his host family and they seem very nice. I am sure he will have a wonderful time. D and I are getting a taste of life without kids and while I like the freedom I also miss the pitter patter of size 13 Nikes running down the hall. J is still home with us but he is generally not home.

Last week I spoke to the Executive Director of a local adolescent home. We discussed my interest in volunteering at the group home and after learning about my history of working with kids she was very enthusiastic about the idea. I sorely miss working with the cadet group and am very excited at the prospect of working with troubled kids. I can’t wait to get started!

Over the past few years, I have been watching from the sidelines as my neighbor (H) commits suicide by abusing alcohol and drugs. I rarely gave his situation more than a passing thought telling myself that he was a "big boy" and could take care of himself. Last night, for no apparent reason, I decided I would try to help him. I plan to contact AA and I hope to rally some additional support for my cause. I was told that his insurance company would pay for a detox program but he had to demonstrate a commitment to stay sober. H is clearly depressed and has given up all desire to live. I know what that feels like and if it wasn't for my wife I would likely be dead. I don't know if I can help H but it is worth a try

Four Shots

Today I dropped my car off at a repair shop so I am visiting another Starbucks location. The girl who took my order for a triple-venti-no whipped-mocha suggested that I add a fourth shot as the drink would taste better and they throw the fourth away anyway. I agreed but thought it a bit odd considering I have had about three zillion of these latte's and have never heard this before. The store is surprisingly busy considering it is located near some outlet malls that don't open till later in the morning.

Yesterday afternoon I was in a pissy mood. I picked up B after school than made supper for the kids. Retreating to Clickerville after I cleaned the kitchen I wasted the rest of the night watching Sex in the City and The Sopranos. I must be a bit schizophrenic considering the stark contrast between the shows but I enjoy both of them.

During the day I make plans to spend my evenings constructively but they rarely seem to work out. I have to find some way to get more energy in the evening. One day I will be lying on my deathbed wishing I had not wasted so much time in Clickerville.

Daddy's Girls

There is a gentleman that I often see in the morning outside the coffee shop. He is a bit disheveled, always with a cigarette in his hand and appears to be down in his luck. He waits for the bus and always has two little girls with him. The youngsters appear to be around four or five and are very cute with pretty blond curls. Today they are running around the bus stop coming dangerously close to the street. As I considered whether I should do something, he grabs the girls somewhat roughly. As I stare out the window I can see that he is angrily scolding them for their behavior. The girls hang their heads obviously hurt by what he said and the manner in which he said it. While I was upset with the way he handled the situation, I realized that he was likely doing the best and the girls were likely lucky to be with their Dad.

Yard Work

I spent most of the weekend in the yard cleaning, raking and fertilizing. While the results are satisfying I can't help but think how meaningless the effort was when compared to other ways I could have spent my time. In other words, did I make a difference in the world? We get up in the morning with goals that are seemingly significant but pale in comparison to what could have been possible. Joe Walsh said it well; "Pick up the dog poop and hope that it’s hard."

As a consumer society we are distracted from what is truly important and conditioned to create situations wherein we line the pockets of wealthy executives. Lawns, pools and cars are great examples of the manner in which we dole out hard-earned cash from our wallets into the bonus checks of those that need it least. And what benefit to we get from this sacrifice? My lawn is greener with less grubs than my neighbors. Whoop-dee-doo... Well, based on what I spent this weekend, there is some rich dude on Home Depot’s executive staff that won't be going hungry anytime soon.

Has the Ride Stopped?

Yesterday J called me from school to tell me that he had been suspended for two days. My pulse quickened and I could feel waves of anxiety sweeping over me. He told me that it had something to do with the false fire alarm from the previous day but he couldn't talk and would call me later. As I hung up the phone my mind raced considering all the implications of what I had just heard.

I found it hard to believe that J had actually pulled the alarm but nevertheless, I began to panic thinking about how people in town would regard us when they learned about his latest alleged transgression. But I have been expecting this new crisis; life has been too good lately so the ride must be over. I tried reaching someone at the school to get more details on the suspension but could not get anyone on the phone. I sat in front of my computer, my head in my hands contemplating what to do next. My phone began to vibrate displaying the school number on the caller ID. My hand was shaking as I answered the phone, "This is Dirk". The caller replied "This is Ms Smith from the High School". "I am calling to notify you that J was suspended for two days for talking on his cell phone and swearing at a teacher when asked to put it away. This occurred yesterday during the false fire alarm". We discussed the incident in more detail and after thanking the principle for the call, I hung up the phone.

As I leaned back in my chair clasping my hands behind my head I smiled broadly. The panic had subsided and I felt a tremendous sense of relief. "He only swore at a teacher" I said out loud.

Drinking & Running

Last night I went out for drinks with a couple of friends. Early in the evening, I realized that I no longer enjoyed drinking just to feel "better". In the past I would look to a good night out as a way to run away from my depression but now that I feel better, heavy drinking is no longer interesting. I did like playing tabletop shuffleboard though.

B had a meet Tuesday and he placed dead last in his event. While it was gut-wrenching to watch, B's first response when I approached him after the race was "that was my personal best". He is such a great kid... Yesterday we bought him orthotics and we are hoping the improved arch support will improve his running.

Following is an update on my life goals:

B Improve relationship with oldest son J
C Clean up yard
F Learn song to give D for anniversary
C Stop wasting time on TV
D Read more
C Write more
F Play guitar more
D Unpaid taxes
A Finish stairs
F Rebuild jeep top
D Meditate

From Humble Beginnings

Today I sat at one of the sidewalk tables outside the coffee shop. It almost feels like an average summer morning. The square is quieter than usual considering how nice the weather is. I also wore my first short-sleeved shirt of the year. I look forward to the upcoming summer season and I am especially excited to spend two weeks at Sebago Lake.

The home front has been remarkably quiet. J has been in good spirits which has a calming effect on the house.

I went into the Goodwill store the other day to purchase some silverware for one of my clients. The employees use regular silverware for their lunches and the fork collection was sparse. B was with me and as we waited in line he whispered to me "I can't wait to get out of here". I was surprised at his elitist attitude and told him so as we walked to the car. "Don't ever forget your roots" I said. "I was 17 when I moved into my first apartment. It was half a block from the projects, infested with cock roaches, surrounded by drug dealers and the toilet froze solid in the winter. "Just because someone is down on their luck does not make them a bad person".

I remember vividly what it feels like to be "poor". But I had a roof over my head, food on my table and good friends I could count on. I was as happy then as I am today.

Alcohol

Last night I went out with a couple of friends. I had three beers while one of my friends had twice as many. He also told me that he drinks 40 beers on an average weekend. I am deeply saddened when I see people's lives torn apart by drugs and alcohol.

My mental faculties have been a bit slow as of late. I cannot remember simple things and my thought process has been slow and muddled. I often wonder if I will experience a decline in my cognitive abilities that will prevent me from working till retirement as an IT consultant. I have already decided that I will do light tractor work after I retire but I am hoping to see a steady increase in my income as I build my pre-retirement business.

Posts from the Ocean

Today I am writing this post while basking in the brilliant sunshine at the edge of the Atlantic Ocean. I watch as the sea repeatedly thrusts itself upon the broken rocks, tearing away bits of shattered stone as it retreats back to the depths from whence it came.

Last night a friend invited me to a men’s meeting at his church featuring former NFL player Don Davis as the keynote speaker. Overall I enjoyed the evening but I became increasingly uncomfortable later in the meeting. I began to feel guilty about my "sins" of commission and omission. "I don't believe in God" I kept reminding myself. I can remember a time when I not only believed in God but spent a great deal of time devoted to his word. However, at that point in my life when I was professing my faith in the Almighty through word and works, I was more depressed than ever before. Finally I left the church, turned my back on my religious beliefs and decided I would put my faith into my own abilities. I am now happy and reasonably satisfied with my life. If I am going to Hell because I don't embrace some particular religious dogma, then so be it. However, having said that, I am concerned that I feel guilt as a result of my “sins”. Perhaps I do believe in a creator that will one day judge me for the manner in which I have used the gifts he bestowed upon me. Life is easier as a non-believer. But the path to salvation is not meant to be easy; or so they say. Clearly I am confused and I need to carefully consider the very foundations of my belief system.

A Beautiful Spring Day

The sun is bright and warm today. The snow is almost gone and today’s temperature is expected to exceed 60 degrees. While I have enjoyed the snow this winter I am ready for warmer weather.

My mood is exceptionally good today. I am making reasonable progress achieving my life goals. I have been meditating a bit in the morning and I seem to have a bit more energy as a result. I continue to fail miserably in my effort to watch less TV. I have not even started compiling my tax related information which means I will have to sacrifice weekend time to do so. When I arrive home at night I continue to head straight for Clickerville. Hiring someone to finish installing the new staircase moved me up to an A on that goal. Here are this weeks grades:

A Improve relationship with oldest son J
F Learn song to give D for anniversary
F Gift pack for nephew in Iraq
D Stop wasting time on TV
C Read more
C Write more
F Play guitar more
C Unpaid taxes
A Finish stairs
D Rebuild jeep top
F AnomonA
B Meditate

Typical Male

Sitting in the coffee shop many people walk by me in their quest for caffeine. Like most other males I have a habit of looking at most women that come within eyesight. I hate the superficial way that I continue to look at a woman if she is physically attractive and turn away from those that are not. I know that these preferences result from years of conditioning from ad agencies and society in general, but I still dislike how they make me feel.

It is all really quite ridiculous. I have the best wife in the world; I will never actually sleep with any other woman attractive or not, and at a certain age, all breasts and buttocks share similar characteristics. Even as I write this posting I cannot look away when a nice ass passes by. I wonder if other men see this behavior as wrong and if so, how do they feel about it. Maybe I can't or even shouldn't change it.

Man's desire for healthy, attractive woman with large breasts more than likely dates back to primordial times. Who am I to stand in the way of evolution? As I consider the importance of this issue to me, maybe I should not be so judgmental as I may overlook a smart, witty, fun-loving woman that never made it onto the cover of Glamour Magazine. She may be my new best friend. Although, married men cannot have a female best friend, right? I will save that topic for another time.

What a Weekend!

This weekend was quite abusive to my middle-aged body but I enjoyed every minute of it. Saturday B and I had a great day boarding at Sunapee Mountain. The conditions were good and we graduated to the intermediate trails. On our last run we both fell hard; we probably should have stopped after the previous run. Luckily we did not suffer any significant injures and we should be healed by the time wake-boarding season starts.

Saturday night I went shopping with D. We had hoped to go see a movie but we could not find one worth seeing. Instead we went in search of a new bookshelf for B.

Yesterday J and I went to an airsoft game in Fremont. The weather was perfect and we stayed the entire day. It is great spending so much time with J. Rebuilding my relationship with him was one of my most important life goals.

Legal Woes

It appears that we may have settled J's case. The DA has offered a plea that was surprisingly good. J told his lawyer that he will accept the plea offer. I am hopeful that the judge will accept the agreement and we can put an end to this nightmare. Unfortunately, I don't think J has learned much from this experience. He still does not wear his seatbelt and engages in risky behavior such as excessive speed while snowmobiling. He also has not processed his emotions relative to his responsibility for the accident. I expect J will have years of therapy ahead of him attempting to resolve feelings of guilt that will inevitably overwhelm him.

The upside to quitting the cadet group is I suddenly have more free time. I have been spending a fair amount of this time with J. Wednesday I asked him if he wanted to attend an airsoft tournament this coming weekend and he surprised me by agreeing to go. I have not played Airsoft in a while and I look forward to getting back on the field.

Boston

I am sitting in Faneuil Hall resting my very sore feet having just walked about 3 miles at a brisk pace trying to catch a train that I ultimately missed. Had I taken the most direct route instead of wondering around aimlessly trying to find the train station, I would now be seated comfortably in a coach car en route to my home. The navigation system on my Crackberry works great; but only when I have the destination address, which in this case I did not.

B resigned from the cadet group yesterday as I expected he would. He said it was not the same without me and he felt the CO would treat him unfairly. I have been rather disoriented since I left the cadet group. Working with the kids made me feel like I was part of something. Now I have this sense of loneliness that is rather depressing. I look forward to spending time with B doing other activities such as bike riding and running. But I still feel this emptiness and I am unsure how to resolve it. I also continue to feel very angry that I had to leave the unit. I don't expect these feelings will disappear anytime soon.

Moving on

The envelope sits on the front seat of my car. The memo inside reads "Effective immediately, please terminate my membership in the Young Marines". My stomach is in knots and my heart is racing. I had planned to place this envelope in the CO's mailbox, but after further consideration, decided to give it to him in person. My decision to leave the program is based on my inability to tolerate the stress and anxiety resulting from the CO's narcissistic, hypocritical, erratic and unpredictable behavior. Recently I had resigned as the XO and taken responsibility for recruit training hoping to stay with the unit while decreasing my interaction with the CO. A few weeks later, the CO is making significant decisions relative to recruit training without consulting me or the kids running the recruit training classes. This is after telling me that recruit training would be my command and he would not interfere in it. Making matters worse, these decisions directly violate unit policies implemented by the CO; another example of his hypocritical behavior.

My work with the kids meant so much to me; I am very angry and frustrated that I cannot do what I love due to one individual who is a complete and utter ass. I have thoughts of violence towards him that sometimes scare me. I will be joining another martial arts program and every bag, pad and opponent I face will represent this person who I used to call a friend.

B says he wants to stay with the program but I expect the CO will ultimately force him out. I feel like I let B down but I just cannot handle the stress and anxiety any longer. Saturday I purchased a second racing bicycle and I am hopeful that B will come to enjoy riding as much as I do.

Four Shots

Today is add-a-shot Friday at my coffee shop and I could not resist moving up to a quad-venti-no-whipped-mocha. Whooowheeee! It’s going to be a fun day today.

I get really nervous when there is little turmoil in my life. It’s like walking down an alley in a bad neighborhood wondering when someone is going to jump out at you.

The upside to a peaceful life is that it causes me to look for other ways I can help people. I contacted a veteran’s hospital and an adolescent home but no one has returned my call yet. I spent a total of five years in an adolescent home so I have a particular interest in working with troubled teens. Also, I have learned a lot about raising difficult teens from my son J. He is a great kid with a good heart but raising him was the most difficult challenges I have ever faced. I now feel compelled to use the tolerance, patience, wisdom and empathy to help other kids similar to me and J.

Up North

A friend of mine lent me his condo for the weekend. It is located up in the White Mountains surrounded by great ski areas. I brought B and one of his friends to go snowboarding. J and D were both busy and could not go. The conditions were fair and but it started raining after a few hours. We still had a good time though and had about 10 hours total on the boards.

Yesterday we received the payout check from our recent refinance. I am relieved that we will finally be able to pay off some bills.

Everything is going pretty well which makes for a boring blog. My writing is much more interesting when I am depressed or experiencing hardship in my life. I can see why creative people discontinue their medication.

Coffee is Good

There is something very comforting about visiting my favorite coffee shop. Clearly it is an indulgent habit given the cost of the "coffee", its impact on my waistline and the loss of billable time. I definitely enjoy the opportunity to update my blog; but I could do that anywhere. For whatever reason, I just feel at ease here. Today someone was sitting in my favorite chair and thankfully, left before I did. I quickly switched seats adding yet another level of pleasure to an already lovely morning.

Recently I resigned my position as XO of the cadet unit. I had grown weary of battling with, and suffering indignities from the CO. This was a very painful decision as I really enjoyed my role as XO. However, last night was my first opportunity to work with the recruits that recently joined the unit in my new role as Recruit Training Officer. I enjoyed every minute of it. Freed from the shackles of any significant responsibility and having little interaction with the CO, I was able to focus on the kids. B is a little disappointed that I don't spend as much time with him, but I will be planning some trips with the group at which I can spend more time with him.

Nothing to say

It is 8:00 PM and I am sitting in Clickerville. I just arrived home approximately 30 minutes ago. I am motivated to update my blog by the opportunity to play with my new BlackBerry. D is yakking on the phone in the living room where the TV is located so I really can't zone out on Law & Order anyway. The thing is, I really don't have much to say. Maybe the creative juices just flow better in the morning. I think I will go read my new book.

Downtown Again

It is a cold, cloudy day today; although I did enjoy driving my new car into town. It is a 2000 Toyota Celica GTS and at 25 MPG I was very happy to leave the gas guzzling Suburban at home. The Celica is a bit old but it looks brand new. It is also really fun to drive.

I picked up a couple of books and I am finally reading more. The first is Rainbow Six by Tom Clancy and I do not recall the second. I started with Tom Clancy’s and it seems good so far.

I have added meditation to my list of life goals. I know the benefits of meditating but find it difficult due to my ADD-based desire for stimulation. I have to find a way to get myself to a private, quiet area where I can listen to some relaxing music and clear my mind.

New toy

This is a first on two levels; I lost my smartphone while snowmobiling and I purchased a BlackBerry Pearl on which I am typing this update. I am also creating this posting from Clickerville instead of the coffee shop. (Although, I wonder if I am really in Clickerville if I am not actually watching TV...) The Pearl is very cool although I thought it would be difficult to use the small keyboard with two letters on each key. However, it is actually quite easy as the little device predicts what word you want with amazing accuracy. I really like the small form factor over the pocket PC device that I lost.

I just spent two hours troubleshooting Internet problems at home that I ultimately discovered were caused by J's attempt to hook up cable in his room, which is not allowed. The kids watch enough TV; they don't need it in their room. I was pretty pissed and let J know it when he walked in the door. He was visibly upset with my tongue lashing but I want him to realize how his actions affect others. However, I need to improve my delivery of criticism as he takes everything so hard.

Last night, D and I went out to a comedy show. When she called me at work to ask me if I wanted to go, I really did not want to. However, I am glad I did as we had a great time. I was slightly bothered by one gentleman in our group that kept buying more beer for his already inebriated son. I think there is something wrong when a father plies his son with liquor, especially in front of other people.

Fun with Son

It was a cold walk this morning; A and I went solo because B was enjoying his vacation by sleeping in. It is not as much fun talking with A because she just wags her tail when I speak to her and she doesn't get my sense of humour.

I almost broke with tradition today by updating my blog at home instead of the coffee shop. I was planning on going in late because D wanted me to drop her off at work. We were going to dinner later and she liked to take one car when possible. However, D needed more time to get ready so she told me to go to work and we would just take our own cars to dinner. So here I sit in my comfy chair by the front window enjoying my triple-venti-no-whipped-mocha while updating my blog on my little pocket notebook. Unfortunately, I lost my little smartphone while snowmobiling so I am relegated to the old fashioned pen and paper. Writing is especially difficult because I have carpal tunnel or something like that from working the throttle on the snowmobile.

J and I left Friday evening and arrived at our friend’s house around 8:00. We hung out for the night then went off sledding first thing in the morning. We returned home for a great dinner and pretty much repeated that sledding/dinner process for the next couple of days. The conditions were great, the company fabulous, the food was superb and we had a great time.

The only downside to the weekend was two unfortunate events that were insignificant in nature but embarrassing for J. Saturday, J flipped a sled while fooling around on a lake; he and the sled are fine but his ego was severely bruised. Tuesday morning at breakfast (my famous crepes), he broke a kitchen chair simply by leaning over to pat the dog. Both incidents were completely accidental but I could see that J took them hard. It reminded me of when he used to play sports and I would pray frantically and cross all my fingers and toes hoping that he would sink the shot or hit the ball. When he missed, I would curse God and deny his existence. How could a loving God treat my son so harshly? I would stand there with my shoulders slumped, my chin in my hands and a look of sadness on my face as I watched him endure the pain and disappointment life so often throws at us. I felt those feelings again this weekend but I am content knowing that I am at least with him while he learns about life’s hardships.