Alone

I am at B's sports banquet sitting at a cafeteria lunch table by myself. I am surrounded by people that I know, but I have chosen to isolate myself from them. B started the night by pissing me off, telling me at the last minute that we had to bring a salad to the banquet. Then, after I rushed to the grocery store to get the salad, he tells me the banquet is not tonight! Finally, 15 minutes later, he says the banquet is tonight but is starting at 6:30, not 5:30. WTF!

Now I am sitting here having a massive anxiety attack because I know people are talking about me, the father of the kid (J, not B) that was responsible for the fatal accident. Suddenly I spot the sister of the deceased preparing to give out awards. She seems happy… Then she spots me and we lock eyes for a moment until I turn away in shame. I almost can’t bear this. Her husband and son is there as well. A wave of emotions washes over me as I try to process all the thoughts rushing through my mind. I fumble with my Blackberry, keeping my eyes down just trying to make it through the night. My stomach is churning, my face flushed and I feel ill.

I cannot stay in this town… I just don’t think I will ever feel comfortable. Is it right for me to have a normal life? I feel guilty about wanting to feel happy.

I wasn't behind the wheel but as J's father, I still feel responsible. It drives me insane that J is not making something of his life after being responsible for something so tragic.

I wonder how I am ever going to deal with this…