Very hard day

Yesterday D and I stood in shock with tears rolling down our face as the sheriff escorted J out of the courtroom. While we had expected this to happen, it was still unbelievably painful to experience. “I love you Dad, I love you Mom” J blurted out just before the door closed behind him. He was 18 but in so many ways he was just a little child.

Now we faced another difficult task. We had asked our lawyer to arrange a meeting with the victim’s family so that we could express our condolences for their loss. “I can’t do it” D said looking up at me sobbing. “It is what you would want if you were in their place” I replied. I was beside myself with grief but I knew we had to speak with the family. Our lawyer had advised us for legal reasons not to contact the family or in any way apologize until the trial was over. Now it was time to tell them how sorry we were. “I will go first’ D said as she squared her shoulders and marched into the room. The family was waiting there and D began to tell them how sorry we were. She talked about her family and how close they were and how she could not imagine how horrible it must be to lose a family member. When she was done I also expressed my sympathy. “I drive by the scene of the accident every morning and afternoon. There is not a day I do not think about what your family must be going through.” When we were done, they thanked us and wished us well telling us that our words meant alot to them.

Overall the hearing went as well as we could have expected. The judge accepted the plea arrangement and J will spend two weeks in county jail. As long as he behaves for the next two years, we will be done with the legal aspect of this tragedy. The victim’s family spoke at the hearing and while they are understandably angry at J for their loss, they made it clear that they believe that J was given a gift. He should live his live in a manner that honors the victim’s memory. “Maybe you can share your experience with other kids” one family member said. They all made it clear that J should make something of his life. I hope he takes their advice to heart.

Listening to the family speak about the loss of their father, brother, uncle or son was gut-wrenching. I had compartmentalized my feelings about their loss; instead, focusing on helping J over the past two years. I learned the victim was the same age as me. I did not know that until yesterday. Somehow he seems more human now and their loss more profound. We all have much emotional turbulence ahead of us and I hope that everyone finds their way safely.