Getting through the holidays

I have survived the holidays, but I am not optimistic about the future.  Nothing brings me joy right now and I am withdrawing socially.  I feel like a failure with nothing to live for.  I am able to work, but that is about it.  Today I went do B’s track meet and once again felt the nervous anxiety pulsating through my body feeling claustrophobic in the presence of other parents from town. 

Why don’t I like myself?  I am a decent enough person...  I know that my sense of others disliking me is just a reflection of my own inner perception of myself.  I am honest, giving and rarely talk ill about others.  I spend most of my free time helping others and I never say no when asked for help.  Maybe I need to go back to therapy.  Maybe I still have some unresolved childhood issues.  Unfortunately my insurance does not cover my last therapist so now I have to find yet another counselor and retell my story all over again.  Arghhhhhh….

Dis-invited

I had been invited to attend the holiday party at the adolescent home that I volunteer at.  The party was scheduled for 3:30 but I was told that the festivities would start at 12:30.  I arrived at 1:30 but not much was happening so I went back to work planning to return at 3:30.  At 3:00 I received a phone call from the Executive Director saying that no volunteers were invited to the party and I would not be able to attend.  What the Fuck?

Raising B

My outlook has improved slightly since my last post.  This morning I entered B’s room at 5:45 per our usual routine to wake him.  I turned on his light and gently shook him, saying “B, it is time to get up”.  He eventually stirred, pulled back the covers and swung his size 14 feet over the side of the bed placing them on the floor.  Most days he pulls his 6’ 4” lanky frame up from the bed and we embrace in a morning hug / back slap.  This morning he turned away from me and shuffled directly towards the bathroom.  Given the events of the previous evening I was not surprised by his insolence.  “So that is how it is?” I said as he walked away from me.  He stood there quietly, unsure of what to say.  “B, you can’t just go around hurting people and not expect them to become angry”.  He still did not respond.  I turned and walked back to my room making no attempt to hide my anger and frustration. 

I went to my bathroom to shave and wash up.  When I turned off the water I could hear him sobbing again in his room.  Unlike the night before, I did not hesitate and walked into his room sitting down on the bed next to him.  “What is going on B?” I asked placing my hand on his quivering back.  He did not respond immediately so I just sat there patiently giving him the time he needed to compose himself.  “B, sometimes I am just in a bad mood and it has nothing to do with you” I said softly.  He turned over and sat up leaning against the wall.  “Dad, I am under so much pressure right now” he said.  “I am carrying three AP classes, have track practice every day and any little extra time I have is spent looking at colleges”.  “I feel like I can’t do anything right at home and I am always pissing you and Mom off” he continued.  “You have a lot on your plate” I replied.  “B, you are a great kid and I am incredibly fortunate to be your father.  I know school is challenging academically and socially.  But I also know that you can handle it.  Just do your best and you will be fine.  However, Mom and I are not going to change our expectations regarding your responsibilities around the house.  You live here and you can help out.  I have warned you repeatedly that when you ignore your responsibilities and leave a mess for me and Mom to clean up, the anger and resentment will build until it spills over and people will get hurt.  That is what happened last night.  We will get over it as will you.  You will have consequences for kicking the door.  You need to purchase a new door, than paint and install it.  We will deal with it after the holidays.”  I stood up and waited a moment looking at him.  He stood up as well and put his arms around me and I returned the hug.  “I love you B” I said.  “I love you too Dad” he replied.  “Well, let’s get our day started” I said as I turned and walked out of his room.

The darkness continues

I could hear my son sobbing upstairs in his room, but I remained on the couch, my gaze fixed on the television.  I was not really watching tv; rather I was trying to distract my mind from the fracas that was swirling through our home.  I knew I should go upstairs and console B, but I just didn't have the fortitude to do so.  He had been loudly arguing with D after I told her that I did not want to talk to him because I was too angry.  So she went upstairs and proceeded to castigate him even though he said he did not want to talk.  In effort to exert control on him, she took away his car as a punishment for his behavior.  He then flipped out including kicking his door leaving a foot sized hole in it.  So I let him cry and thought about death instead. 

When I am dead will "I" cease to exist?  Will anyone really miss me?  D and B will get the money from my life insurance.  D will remarry to someone that will treat her better.  B doesn't need me anymore.  J never did... 

Most days I believe that our purpose in life is to help others.  But how can I help other people when I can't even help myself?  My life is so fucking easy but yet I am miserable.  Night after night I come home and waste away in Clickerville neglecting my family and responsibilities.  I keep thinking that I will eventually regain my energy and enthusiasm but other than brief periods, I remain a sloth wasting my life away.  Something has to change.

Dark days

The past few days I have been rather depressed.  Monday I stayed home from work and spent 15 hours watching movies in Clickerville.  Yesterday I had a good workout at the gym and I feel a little better today. 

I was really disappointed with B over the weekend as we had a brief confrontation regarding his failure to take care of his responsibilities around the house.  He is such a great kid but he does little to help with the household chores.  Sunday night I asked him to put away the dishes (his job) and he replied with “I can't, I have to do homework”.  He uses that excuse all the time and I am growing increasingly annoyed with it.  I never discipline him anymore and I am fearful that as his “friend”, I am neglecting my role as his father.  This morning I said little to him as we walked the dog and I prepared him breakfast.  I am very uneasy with this distance growing between us and feel that it is going to come to a head soon.

Coffee Hound

Today am visiting a new coffee shop.  The staff is very friendly and it feels like a family run business.  The shop lacks any significant atmosphere and feels utilitarian in nature.  The windows need to be washed and the furniture is plain and uninteresting.  However, the bran muffins, although somewhat small, are delicious.  I ordered a large latte with four shots and the barista appeared to be knowledgeable and confident as she prepared my order.  I generally order a mocha latte but the plain was very good.  It had a nice head of foam and the coffee/milk was rich and creamy.  I scored them 2.7 out of 4 shots.

The Lemmings Lived

Yesterday I discovered that the story about the lemmings committing mass suicide is a complete myth.  I have often likened the human race to lemmings so maybe there is hope for us after all. 

I have been spending a fair amount of time contemplating my life and reading.  I have my moments of "quiet desperation" but overall I am doing "ok".  I am still struggling with reconciling some financial issues though.  For whatever reason I cannot muster up the energy and motivation to work on some back tax issues.  I am very exposed and could even lose my house. I worry about the possible consequences often.  I see other people around me suffering due to their procrastination and I shake my head and wonder why they don't have the discipline to make better decisions.  But then I ignore the opportunity to ease my financial burden and just bury my head in the sand hoping that the "Man" won't come knocking on my door. 

Avoiding TV

This morning I had to run from my truck to the coffee shop to avoid getting soaked from the wind-driven downpour.  Nevertheless, I am in good spirits today.  Last night I did not visit Clickerville.  Instead, I read a few chapters from Generation Kill.  I feel good about not wasting the evening.

I am determined to read more.  Reading is a much better alternative to Clickerville and I believe it will improve my writing ability.

Desire = Suffering

I am going to spend a day at the local Buddhist temple learning more about the Four Noble Truths.  I have been reading about these truths that underlie the Buddhist faith and believe them to be true.  The Buddhists believe that suffering is caused by desire and if you reduce your desire, you reduce your suffering. 

Attachment is a form of desire.  For instance, I am attached to my 2004 Ford F350.  I love my truck.  It reflects my personality and is very comfortable.  It is also handy for hauling things like my other objects of attachment; namely my boat and snowmobiles.  However, I have been thinking about parting with my truck as I really cannot afford the monthly payment.  This is where knowledge of truth collides with real life.  I like my boat and snowmobiles because they provide an opportunity to spend more time with my kids.  Maybe I have to find other ways to spend time with my kids... 

Freedom

I stood there, in my father's kitchen uncertain what to say.  We were visiting for an early Christmas and my father had just asked me how my sister was doing.  This is the sister that he had traumatized so badly when she was a child that she has regressed into a shell of the person she once was.  I have watched in horror as her mental health has declined over the past decade unsure of what I could or should do.  I looked at him with a blank stare on my face trying to formulate an answer.  "Not good" I finally blurted out, looking at the ground.  I slowly raised my eyes and looked directly into his looking for some type of response but found none.  My sister had been staying at our house for the past five days and I have been continuously assaulted with waves of anger, guilt and frustration resulting from her declining mental health.  I continued to look him in the eye and said "it is always a constant struggle with her.  She has been all but abandoned by her kids and she is struggling just to hang on."  I lowered my gaze and in a hushed tone said "it has been very difficult". 

I am not one for meekness, especially with my father.  I can remember the day when I no longer feared him.  I was seventeen and we shared a cockroach infested apartment in the low rent district of Nashua.  I was walking down the stairs heading out for the day and he was apparently annoyed that I had not washed the dishes to his satisfaction.  "I will deal with them later" I called up the stairs.  "Going to see your whore-girlfriend" he shouted back.  I stopped mid-step and with no hesitation turned and leaped back up the stairs three at a time.  I threw him against the wall and with my hands clutching his collar, my face inches from his, said in an enraged but controlled voice "if you ever again refer to K as a whore, I will kill you.  I released him and he slumped to the ground.  I suddenly felt a tremendous wave of relief sweep over me.  I was no longer scared of my father!  He would never beat me again; never verbally abuse me.  I would no longer cringe in fear when I thought about my Dad calling me to come home so that he could punish me for whatever offense I had committed that day.  I was free...

My God

I want to believe in a God.  This God would make all my back taxes disappear, fund my son's education, allow me to retire at 55 and let me continue my generous support of Starbucks, LL Bean, Keen and Northface.  My son would be released from jail to become a model citizen.  I would suddenly remember that I have a master’s degree in outdoor education and would be offered a fabulous job working with troubled adolescents.

Reluctant writing

Writing can be difficult at times, especially when you don’t feel like writing.  I have been in a bit of a funk lately and I am also disappointed that my blog postings are boring, routine and predictable. While I recognize that my blog serves primarily as therapy for me, I had hoped that my writing would improve to the point where other people (besides my few loyal readers for which I am very grateful ;-) would find it interesting.  I have never had a great sense of humor but I thought people might be attracted to my brutal honesty.  I read a few other blogs that don’t seem much better than mine but they have huge audiences.  I don’t spend any time trying to market my blog though; maybe that makes a difference.
 
Last night I watched a movie called “PS Your Cat is Dead” about an out of work, down on his luck actor in LA.  His girlfriend just left him, he is being evicted from his apartment and he has just caught and hog-tied a burglar that has robbed him twice before.  I read the book back in the 80’s and thought it was hilarious.  Unfortunately, the movie sucked.  Steve Guttenburg was the star and he appeared to be lethargic and disinterested for most of the movie.  I was supremely disappointed. 

Yesterday D and I went to visit J.  I struggle emotionally whenever I visit J and it did not help that he looked terrible.  He looked and acted like he was strung out on drugs.  We had a good visit though and he has completed a month of his 5 month sentence (assuming good behavior).  He seems to think that he can get out in January on an ankle bracelet but I think that is unlikely.  It also means that he would live with us and while I would probably allow it, I would not be a happy camper.

Can I help you?

About three months ago I started meeting with a young woman (M) who suffers from depression and was all but house-bound at the time.  She is now working as a graphics designer for a couple of clients and has been more active in the community including volunteering at a local high school and taking a pottery class.  Her demeanor is much brighter and she appears to be doing much better.  I am not in any way trying to taking credit for her recovery, but I like to think I might have played a small part in it.  Recently I discovered that her Mom asked her Dad for a divorce.  Her Dad is not what I would call a great father, and I suspect he is not a great husband.  However, I think that when someone has 30 years invested into a family one should consider marriage counseling before pulling the plug.  This couple also has a 16 year old daughter still living at home.  M’s Dad works for one of my clients (that is how I met her) and now he is coming to me professing his love for his wife saying that he does not want a divorce.  He has further indicated that his wife will not go to marriage counseling as she is too proud.  Yesterday I met again with M (we have a business relationship as well as a personal relationship) and we had some time to talk after everyone left the meeting.  She is holding up remarkably well but she is clearly very angry at her Dad because he has all but ignored her for all of her life.  He travels extensively (40 weeks a year) and when he is home does not spend much time interacting with his family.  I listened intently and did my best to resist the urge to “fix” her problems.  In the end I advised her to find someone close to her Mom that would convince her to go see a marriage counselor.

I was struck by the familiarity of some of the stories she described about her Dad’s behavior especially around important days such as her graduation and Christmas.  I can think of many times that I was struggling with depression and anger and would behave selfishly during birthday parties or other family gatherings.  I am much better now but I know that my family must feel similar anger and resentment towards me for some of my past behavior. 

Writer?

I would like to be a writer… I think. But there are so many obstacles standing in my way including a lack of writing skills which is probably somewhat important. I can certainly go back to school but that would mean giving up some other interests and I am already neglecting my wife and my business. Then there is the issue of interest and motivation. Some days I feel like I could write a book while other times I can’t even formulate a sentence. I also think that some of the best writers have a great sense of humor while my writing tends to be rather dark and brooding. I’ll stick with blog postings for now.

This past weekend was a busy one. I was at a cadet boot camp starting Friday night until Saturday night then Sunday I ran a crew of volunteers that helped to clean up the property at the adolescent home. We held the boot camp at an active Marine Corps base and I was very intimidated and nervous around all the marines as I am not used to being around them. Then, to my horror, I realized that they did not recognize the cadet officer insignia I wear on my uniform collars and they thought I was somebody important! Once I realized this I removed the insignia’s because I am not important enough to polish the boot of the greenest private fresh out of Lejeune. The boot camp was excellent and I really enjoyed teaching and working with all the cadets. The cleanup at the adolescent home also went very well although we had a light turnout. I worked longer then I should have but I the property looks great.

I miss you J

Dear J,

Today I am sitting at the coffee shop waiting for D N but I suspect he will not be joining me. We have been meeting on Wednesday mornings but I usually send him an email to remind him and yesterday I was so busy that I did not.

I think about you often J… Sometimes I reflect on the past and some of the things we have done together. I remember when we used to drive over to the dump every Saturday when we lived in Weare. You loved going for the ride and we usually ended up dragging something home like an old tractor or lawn mower. I think about some of the sports you played such as baseball and basketball and how I used to pray so hard that you would hit the ball or make the big play. I often wish I could go back in time and get another chance at being a Dad to a young J. I would work so much harder to overcome my depression and be a better father to you. Sometimes I think that you taught me more about life than I taught you. You helped shape me into the person I am today. I work with teens now partly because of what you taught me. I am more patient, tolerant and compassionate than before you came into my life. You taught me to accept people as they are; to not judge or dismiss them because they fail to meet my expectations. To look for the inherent good in everyone and love unconditionally.

I know you are putting on a brave face right now and that it must be incredibly difficult dealing with your incarceration, even it is only county jail. I hope, with every fiber of my being, that you are really thinking about what you want to do when you get out. I don’t mean just a job and a place to live; but the kind of life you want to live. You have some difficult times ahead of you dealing with the tragedy of the accident. If you take up a cause such as a college fund for the victims girls or educating teens on driving safety, I know that it will be easier to deal with the pain and emotions associated with the accident. You know everyone around you will support you in any way possible.

Well, I guess I should go to work… I have a busy day ahead of me. I am doing a little more marketing work for a client which is a nice change from IT which has been very boring lately.

Take care J,

I love you,

Dad

Weekend chores

Today I am drinking my coffee at Cafe Dirk. I am spending the day at home; cooking crepes for D's bookclub in the morning than winterizing the boats in the afternoon.

Yesterday I went to B's final x-country race. He was happy with his time and was pleased he was able to participate. I am still struggling with facing other town residents out in public. I don't engage in conversation with them and tend to keep to myself. B will graduate in the spring and then I won't have to face the local townspeople.

Pig-headed

According to Merriam Dictionary the definition of pig-headed is "willfully or perversely unyielding : obstinate. There are certain things that I can be pig-headed about; mostly having to do with people. The neighbors that border me on the west pissed me off when they first moved in about four years ago and I have not spoken to them since. She is a nutcase and he was unwilling to acknowledge the egregiousness of an offense she committed against me. It was all pretty stupid but I had extended a helping hand when they moved into their house and felt completely betrayed.

I am more concerned about my relationship with the neighbors that filed charges against J for entering their house without permission. I understand that they thought he needed some tough love, but their disregard for my prediction that the consequences of their actions would drastically exceed the crime leaves me full of anger and resentment. I am not worried about this particular relationship; we were never really close friends. I am more concerned about my inability to approach this situation in a calm, rational and forgiving manner recognizing that they were probably trying to do what was right. I am trying to live my life in the Buddhist "right" way and this is a complete violation of that philosophy.

Fathers and Sons...

It is a beautiful crisp fall day down at the town square. This past weekend was a good one as I was very productive but I was not in the best of moods. Saturday D and I went to see B run at the State meet. Sunday I ran a crew of volunteers at the adolescent home for a fall cleanup day. It was a good event and the property looks great. Following, I had to go home and deal with my own leaves. Thankfully D and B helped out and we cleaned up the entire yard. It is a banner year for leaves :-)

My Dad and his wife attended the meet on Saturday and he had previously asked about a popular diner located in Manchester. He never invited D and I but I assumed we were planning on going out after the meet. As we were getting ready to leave after the race I said "I guess we will join you for lunch at the diner" to which he replied "Oh, you are?". WTF? Either he is an idiot with absolutely no clue about subtext or he didn't really want us to go. Considering it was my birthday I had assumed that he would want to spend some time together. We went to lunch with them (he and his wife) but I was annoyed about the situation. I know this is one of the little things that I am supposed to let go of but sometimes accepting and letting go of emotionally charged issues can be easier said than done.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda

Etta James is playing in the background as I write this posting from my favorite coffee shop. Her soulful voice reflects my somber mood as does the cold drizzly day. Even though I am feeling low, I am very fortunate to have people that I can commiserate with as I know many do not and they must process their emotions without the benefit of an empathatic ear.

I keep playing back all my decisions regarding J in my mind trying to ascertain if they were good ones. I know that if I had pushed him a little harder he would have completed his community service on time. If he had completed his community service, his previous lawyer (an excellent one) had agreed to represent during his recent brush with the law. But I felt that he had to make these decisions on his own than live with the consequences. But I never imagined that the consequences would be this severe.

D and I have been at each other lately. We are both very stressed about this situation as well as some other challenges we are dealing with. I am such a giving person but I have been struggling with finding time for my own wife lately. It is just easier to help other people sometimes.

,

Go directly to jail, do not pass go

I cannot think of many things worse than looking at your son through a plate glass window while talking to him on a phone during a brief 30 minute visit at the jail that he will call home for the next five months at a minimum. His friend’s girlfriend accompanied me on the visit and I also was subjected to their flirtations and innuendo swirling around the obvious affair they were engaged in. The whole situation makes me ill. He clearly has no regard for the rules about not fucking your friend’s girlfriend although he clearly won't be doing any actual fucking for a while. This is just the icing on a huge friggin shit cake. Fuck me...

FML

I just watched the sheriff once again take my son into custody to transport him to the county jail. The first time this happened I felt the punishment was a good thing. It would help J to feel that he paid a price for what he had done, even if it was an accident. This time he was fucked over by himself for making some really bad decisions, but also by my stupid neighbor who thought it would be a good wake-up call, a vindictive prosecutor and an inept defender. And his Dad for not doing more…I should have forced him to do his community service so that his old lawyer, (a very good one) would have represented him. I should have talked to the neighbors and been more forceful in my belief that they should not file charges; that we could work it out amongst ourselves. I should not have been so fucking depressed and selfish when J was young and been a better Dad. I am stunned at the sentence as his is previous lawyer. 8 months in jail, 200 hours of community service, a 12 month suspended sentence and a felony record for just walking into my neighbors house looking for a couple of bucks. He was wrong…. He violated their trust and the sanctity of their home. But does he deserve 8 months and a felony record? He didn’t even take anything! Fuck me…

Are liberals inherently dishonest?

Today as I was driving into work I noticed a bumper sticker that read "Liberals Lie". Seeing that sticker pissed me off for a variety of reasons and I don't consider myself a liberal. It is people like the driver of that car that are ruining this country. I don't have a problem with the sticker that reads "Question Authority" because I think we should question those in power and hold them accountable. But branding all liberals as liars? That is hurtful, mean spirited and divisive. I immediately wanted to confront the driver of the vehicle to ask him why he would act in such an offensive manner. I then stopped to reflect on my thoughts. "Anger will not help the situation" I said to myself as I relaxed a bit and refocused on driving. I am not sure what one can do to change this kind of behavior but if we don’t try to bring this country together we will remain polarized.

Teach a pig not to sing?

I have been studying the Four Noble Truths of the Buddhist faith and I have found them to be simple, yet powerful. Since I began embracing some of these teachings I have become more relaxed and able to focus my energy on important goals while letting go of some of the small things. Last night I skipped drill with the cadet group and had dinner at home with D and B. Later I actually went downstairs to my office and got some work done instead of spacing out in Clickerville!

With knowledge come decisions, sometimes difficult ones. The second Noble Truth essentially says that suffering is due to ones attachment to transient things. Now that I am reflecting more on my thoughts I see that when I am out and about I spend a lot of time thinking about whatever attractive woman happens to catch my eye. I steal furtive glances at her as well as attempt to make eye contact in some cases. Depending on how she responds this thought process often includes some notion that I could be intimate with this woman, maybe even start a life with her, but always ends with the realization that I am an idiot and I just wasted a lot of brain power stuck in the primordial cave of my club-wielding ancestors. I love my wife and I would never trade a few moments of sloppy sex for a lifetime of guilt. So now that I know that this attachment is stupid and pointless, how do I rewire my brain so that when I encounter an attractive woman I can appreciate her beauty for what it is and not get swept up in man’s ancient instinct to procreate?

Self esteem

I am a good person; why do I often feel otherwise? I was perusing my high school alumni website last night as I was suddenly interested in reaching out to people I have not seen in 30 years or more. I want them to see that I came out ok; that I am not the loser that I was back when they knew me. But why is this important? I know who I am and where I have come from. I guess it boils down to how I feel about myself and no amount of external validation will significantly influence my core feelings about myself.

Last night I made a delicious supper for D and B and this morning I made a fabulous omelet for B. When my spirits are high, I enjoy so many things so much more.

Money

I continue to ignore some very serious financial challenges that I will eventually have to address. Making matters worse, is the knowledge that my procrastination is exacerbating the problem and increasing the cost of the resolution. Among other things, I specifically have to file and pay back taxes for a couple of years I missed. I set a goal of doing one per month but I have a difficult time sitting down with the paperwork at home. Clickerville is much more appealing. I need to get this done though. I also need to start saving for B's college education that starts next year. Thankfully he just changed his school preference to a state college saving us about 15k per year. Finally, I need to work more. I have ample opportunity, but little motivation.

Perspective

I looked down at my speedometer to see that we were barely doing 30 in a 35 mph zone.  I was enroute to work and had no patience for inept drivers that couldn't or wouldn't keep up with traffic.  I could feel my blood pressure rising as we crawled along.  "I wonder what she will do in the 50 mph zone?" I thought to myself.  As we approached the higher speed zone I began to think about the upcoming passing zone but a car separated me from the slower driver making any attempt to pass both dangerous and foolish.  As I scanned the road ahead considering my options, I began to remember that we would soon be passing by the location where J's life took an unfortunate tragic turn.  "What the fuck is the matter with me" I muttered to myself.  I relaxed my foot on the gas pedal and slumped back in my seat.  I am getting better at controlling my anxiety but I still need to work on relaxing and letting the little things go.

The little things

I looked down at my speedometer to see that we were barely doing 30 in a 35 mph zone. I was driving to work and had no patience for inept drivers that couldn't or wouldn't keep up with traffic. I could feel my blood pressure rising as we crawled along. "I wonder what she will do in the 50 mph zone" I thought to myself. As we approached the higher speed zone I began to think about the upcoming passing area but a car separated me from the slower driver making any attempt to pass both dangerous and foolish. As I impatiently scanned the road ahead considering my options, I began to remember that we would soon be passing by the location where J's life took an unfortunate tragic turn. "What the fuck is the matter with me" I muttered to myself. I relaxed my foot on the gas pedal and slumped back in my seat. I am getting better at controlling my anxiety but I still need to work on relaxing and letting the little things go.

Fall is fair time

It is a crisp fall day in the town square. The leaves are starting to change and everyone is wearing jackets although I am still wearing shorts and my sandals though.

I took one of the kids from the adolescent home to the local fair this past Sunday. He is known as the most difficult resident there, but we had a great day with no problems. He respects my boundaries for the most part and we have a good rapport.

Multitasking

Working in IT, for yourself, has it's benefits. I just watched "Shrink" with Kevin Spacey on Netflix while building servers and workstations. Not bad work if you can get it. What a great movie... Kevin Spacey brings so much depth to his characters.

Why do I prefer dark, sad movies over bright, happy ones? Is that a bad thing... Like a character flaw? Maybe it is just me... Maybe......... its ok...

I wonder if fixing people is so much different than fixing computers. The troubleshooting process is similar. Be a good listener, with empathy, patience and a tolerance for accepting the situation whatever it is. I think I would be good at it... I can certainly relate to a lot of people in difficult circumstances. The people I have counseled thus far seem to benefit from time spent with me. However, with computers, you can tune people out for a while if you like. If I was to become a therapist, I probably would not have that option. I am not sure I could handle the failures. When I computer proves unfixable I throw it away. When a young adult proves unfixable, such as continually making bad decisions, I am not sure how I would handle that. It is good that I move slowly with my involvment at the adolescent home. It give me lots of time to consider all the implications of becoming a social worker responsible for peoples lives. That is a far greater responsibility than making sure the server doesn't crash.

Tough love

It is a cool fall day in the town square today. I am fairly energetic and my mood is good. This morning I walked A with D as B had to go to school early. D and I are recovering from a couple days of being annoyed with each other and it is good to get past that.

It was a sunny, summer-like day yesterday with temps approaching 80. For lunch I treated myself to a delicious sandwich and coffee sitting out in the square basking in the sun.

J has been asked to leave the house he is currently living in. He came to my house yesterday asking me to cosign a lease but I declined to do so. He is not working and has no means to pay for an apartment. I asked him again about the military or a volunteer group such as Peace Corps but he said he was not interested. Now he says that because I will not cosign, he will be living on the street. I will stand by the sidelines for now and see how things pan out.

Learning the ropes

The past two days have been fan-fucking-tastic! I am learning how to become a ropes course instructor with the staff from the adolescent home. I feel incredibly comfortable with everyone there and I am confident that most, possibly all of the staff are comfortable with me. I have not shed my type-A, alpha male characteristics, but I have tempered my vocal contribution to a reasonable one. In other words, I am trying very hard to be hyper-respectful to others and their opinions. I think this is an incredible new growth opportunity for me and I am thrilled it is related to my efforts working with adolescent kids. I was also told that I can now take kids off-site without supervision from staff. I have already made plans to do so with the most difficult male at the home that I have a particularly good rapport with.

Be here, be now...

Mindfulness is easier said than done. I am constantly queuing myself to come back to the moment. But, I am enjoying a much better mood recently and I believe that is due partly to my focus on the present moment.

Friday I helped my in-laws winterize their trailer. We were sitting down by the lake, when I noticed an unusually tepid wind. It was a cool fall wind at heart, but passing over the water, it gathered thermal remains of the recent late summer sun alternately warming and chilling my face and body. Rustling the leaves upon the beach, it bent the trees in a soft undulating motion. Stirring up ripples on the lake, the gentle breeze threw sparkles of sunshine bouncing across the surface of the water. I sat there motionless, with a clear mind devoid of meaningless thoughts, letting the wind caress my senses living very much in the moment.

nice day

Today I am drinking coffee in the little college town of Durham NH. I am heading up to the Lakes region with D to close her parents trailer. It is a beautiful Fall day and the trees are beginning to change already.

Yesterday I basically resigned from the Cadet group. I am working hard to reduce stress in my life and the Cadet group was one of the largest sources of stress. I may still help out but I will no longer be involved in running the unit.

A better day

This morning I woke up feeling optimistic. OMG, right? It would appear that my focused effort to lift my spirits is yielding some positive results. I actually found myself laughing with B as we walked A this morning. I worked on my bills yesterday (which I HATE) and thought a lot about how to deal with the massive list of neglected items that need my attention. I have started to write the list down and will work through it methodically such as dealing with one unfiled tax year per month.

I am also going back to the Buddhist temple to continue exploration of that spiritual path. I believe there is something beneficial to the Buddhist lifestyle and I am determined to stay with it.

I have expanded my mantra from yesterday... Think with purpose or purposely don't think.

Oh, in keeping with my goal of improving my self-discipline, I ordered a plain old coffee from the coffee shop today and discovered that I do not like Pikes Place roast. :-(

Can the Buddha help?

Think with purpose... That is my new mantra. I am trying so hard to pull myself out of this malaise and constant negative thoughts exacerbate my sullen mood. And, I have a lot of serious challenges that I should be contemplating instead. When I am out in public, my attention often drifts from woman to woman as they cross my path. The ones I find especially interesting for whatever reason tend to occupy my thoughts for a bit longer as I spin a mini fantasy involving me and her. These fantasies sometimes include intimacy but most often center around a lifestyle change where I am suddenly unburdened from all of my present day responsibilities and she and I dive into a whirlwind romance and live happily ever after; in an alternate universe of course. I am going to dig back into the teachings of the Buddha in search of ways I can take control of my life without medication. Just the overt act of trying to improve my situation is therapeutic.

Lucky break

I am sitting outside the courtroom with J waiting for his lawyer to arrive. I believe we are attending a probable cause hearing relative to J's illegal entry into my neighbor’s house. J is in a foul mood, pissed that his lawyer is not here. I am very worried about him. He is clearly depressed with no means to pay for meds or therapy. He is often angry about some stupid thing that somebody has said about him. He is a magnet for trouble and gets sucked into all kinds of weird and bizarre situations. Luckily he has a lot of people on his side including the detective prosecuting the case so he will once again probably get more of a break than he deserves.

Another boring posting of little interest

I have known for some time now that my low grade depression had returned, but I had hoped I could work through it. I have been eating better, sleeping more and exercising harder, but like the rising tide, the grey malaise has slowly but steadily crept back washing away my core feeling of happiness and contentment. I continue to function and most do not see the change; but for me my day has become emotionally pointless. I am overwhelmed by stress, anxiety and irritability. I think a good measure of one’s emotional well being is in their fear of death. Today I do not fear the end of this life of “quiet desperation, although I do not desire death as I have in the past. So know what? I will likely wallow around in my misery until I finally go back to the doc for meds.

Three Generations Sail Together

This past weekend, B and I sailed with my Dad and his wife from Fairhaven to Martha's Vineyard to Cuttyhunk than back to Fairhaven; about 60 miles over three days. We had beautiful sunny days, unfortunately only one with decent wind.

I really enjoyed my time with B; we talked a lot. Time spent with my Dad was less comfortable. We did not talk much and he seemed uncomfortable much of the time. He also displayed some annoying social habits that I found particularly uncomfortable, probably because I sometimes engage in similar behavior. It was a good wake up call for me.

I will never love my Dad. I accept that… I have forgiven him for the horrible things that he did to me and most of what he did to my siblings. I no longer feel tormented by my past, but I will never be comfortable with my Dad.

Busy, busy

Today I feel a bit better. I hit the gym hard yesterday and went to bed early last night. I have drill tonight, group home Friday night and then down to New Bedford to sail over to the Vineyard with my Dad.

Pointless Bitching

I feel gypped... Why can't I just be naturally happy like other people? Why do I eventually have to resort to a freaking pill to feel happy? I know my ailment is far less debilitating than others, but nevertheless I feel fucking miserable. Over the past month or so I have seen my mood spiral down to the point where I am just trying to get through the day. I am losing interest in everything that I enjoy and I am becoming a bitch! So I took the pill..... Fuck... I hate this.

Post-tourist morning at the beach

This morning I am sitting on a cold wooden bench looking out at the calm blue sea. The sun shines brightly upon my black North Face jacket warming me against the morning chill in the air. The coffee is especially good making me long for a better cup of joe at my usual coffee shop. The tourists have all gone home leaving the beach to the seagulls and terns.

The beauty of the day is somewhat lost on me for I have been in the grip of a foul mood for the past few days. I even spent a few hours in Clickerville seeking temporary relief from my dark thoughts. There has been no significant changes in my life recently so I can only attribute my sense of gloom to insufficient levels of one or more neurotransmitters such as serotonin or epinephrine. I have increased my sleep and exercise and decreased my caffeine. Let's hope this mood passes and I can remain med-free.

Back to school

Today B and I resumed our morning routine. We were out the door walking A at 0600. It is nice to spend some time with him. We don't see much of each other these days.

Lately I have been tired. I need to exercise more and devote more time to sleep.

Friday I had coffee with M. She seemed very nervous when she first arrived. After a while she seemed to become more comfortable. We talked about various issues including her job search and struggle with depression. She seemed to brighten up by the end of the meeting. It will be interesting to see how she progresses over time; hopefully it will be in a positive direction.

Short summer coming to end

There is a hint of Fall in the air today. It will warm up quickly but it is a refreshing change from the recent hot weather.

I received an email from M yesterday. Apparently she missed our meeting because she spent the previous night doing the porcelain mambo. We rescheduled our meeting to Friday morning.

Monday B returns to school. We are both looking forward to resuming our morning routine of walking the dog and having breakfast together.

Therapeutic for me

I am sitting at my favorite coffee shop waiting for M to arrive. She is a young lady that I have been trying to help as she is struggling with her career and depression. I suspect she has overslept and will likely obsess over missing our meeting. She is a talented, bright young woman but I believe she has unresolved issues from her past that are weighing her down.

Life after kids?

I am sitting outside the coffee shop, on the causeway up at the lake, watching life go by. My nephew (who loves to wakeboard) decided last minute that he was not coming up to the lake with us. B than informed us that because C was not going, he did not want to go either. I was heartbroken and pretty pissed. We walk the dog every morning during the school year in sub-freezing temperatures and hardly a week goes by that we don't talk about the lake. And, to make matters worse, he will likely be playing XBox all weekend. Oh well, D and I will have some qualit time to ourselves although J is coming up Friday.

Heat wave???

It is a hot day in the Town Square today. Temps are predicted to be in the mid 90's. It is almost too hot to be sitting outside the coffee shop drinking my hot coffee. I just cannot drink an iced drink this early in the morning.

Recently I attended a "Summerfest"at the adolescent home I volunteer at. After an hour or so I began to feel a little uncomfortable. I was completely at ease with the kids, but uneasy around the staff. I cannot pinpoint the source of my discomfort but I suspect it had more to do with me than the people around me.

Boston Java

I write this post from the Starbucks on Newbury St in Boston.  The "scenery" here is definately more upscale than the town square where I usually stop for coffee.This morning I ran a painful roadrace with B.  He went out too fast than died over the next two miles.  Instead of enjoying the time with my son I could only think about how much better he can do.  This was a race in my home town so I was probably more sensitive than usual. I am having my sisters over the house today.  I am down in Boston to pick one of them up.  I hope to have a pleasant afternoon although J is coming over so I never know what to expect.Please excuse the grammitical errors. 

Honest blogging

When I started this blog I was severely depressed to the point where I often thought about giving up on life. Since typing my first posting, I have been through a few lengthy cycles of severe to moderate depression. However, for the past few months I have been reasonably happy without the aid of medication (which makes me happy in itself). My blog serves as therapy for me and when I am feeling better emotionally I tend to neglect it.

Lately I have felt the need to work through some issues through my blog and suddenly I find myself editing my writing for my few loyal readers. Reluctant to share my vulnerabilities I have subconsciously left out details that highlight my insecurities, poor self esteem or lack of confidence. Afraid to be seen as a whiner, I sometimes lighten up my writings for the "benefit" of my readers. No more... From now on I will write for me. I hope people find it interesting, but if not, I can live with that.

Volunteerism

I feel like I am having a bit of a dejavu relative to the cadet group. I thought everything was going really well and than I receive an email from the CO sent out to all the staff announcing a meeting to discuss a realignment of the program. WTF!!! When I called him about it he said that what we were doing was not working and we needed to make some major changes. WTF?? Maybe he should have talked to me before announcing this to the whole group? I sent him an email suggesting that I should take a leave of abscence to give us both time to think about my role in the unit.

In contrast, I have become very comfortable at the adolescent home and I am clearly valued for my contribution.

Life is good

I have been med-free for about a month now and I am doing very well. Other than a bit of anxiety and irritability, I am leading a rather "normal" life. J is doing ok and has completed most of his community service. One of our neighbors agreed not to press charges against J so we have one burgalry charge left to deal with. B is enjoying his summer and hangs out with his friends most of the time. D seems content and we have been spending a fair amount of time together. She has also joined the cadet group so we spend time on related activities.

Next week I am on vacation in at the lake in Maine. I am hoping for good weather.

Cranking along

Today I feel irritable but very motivated. I worked into the early hours of the morning but even with four hours of sleep, I still have lots of energy.

I just had a very unpleasant encounter with an insurance adjuster who wrote up an estimate to repair the damage to my little sports car that was $2000 less than the one I got from the body shop. WTF!

J continues to accumulate community service hours and if he continues at this rate he will at least have a reasonable effort to report to the judge when he is called to do so. He still has one felony charge to deal with and a possible second felony charge if he does not pay my neighbor for the items that he stole.

Where is Clickerville?

“I feel like I've been in a coma for about twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.” (Lester Burnham, American Beauty). All my senses are heightened ( especially libido :) and even the smallest things give me pleasure. However, like Randle Patrick McMurphy (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest), I fully expect my current blissful emotional state to pass; but I am ok with that. I will revel in the moment. I am suddenly very passionate about everything I do. And the coffee; OMG, it tastes so good and the caffeine buzz is extra strong. I do feel very irritable at times, especially at home, but I keep reminding myself that if I constantly bitch and obsess over the small things, I will drive everyone around me nuts and will be back on meds that much sooner.

One other note; I love D and will never do anything that could destroy what we have built over the past 25 years. Besides, I recognize the meaningless nature of the three minutes of pleasure I would trade for a life of regret. It comes with maturity and emergence from the cave.

Med-free zone

Today I am in a fabulous mood! We finally got some great weather and today is beautiful. I discontinued all my meds last week and am in that slightly manic post-med phase of the emotional roller coaster that is my life. Friday I went out with some kids from the adolescent home and a new staff member, L. We had a great time and I really enjoyed hanging out with the kids again. I have not been to the home in over a month. I had not spent any time with L previously and we seem to have an interesting (in a good way as long as we maintain our boundaries) connection. I really enjoyed talking with her and we have a lot in common even though I am probably more than 20 years her elder. I expect to be writing more about her in the future.

J is now out of the house and living on his own. I had to boot him out because I discovered he had stolen from another neighbor. He seems to be doing ok but he will likely spend some time in jail in the very near future. All I can do is watch him douse himself in gasoline hoping that he does not ultimately burn to death.

Time to fly on his own

Letter to my neighbors…

I am writing to inform you of a situation in our neighborhood involving J. I apologize for not being more specific about, and taking responsibility for, the events in question, but for legal reasons I cannot comment on the guilt or innocence of my son. J was arrested and charged with burglary for entering (without the owner’s permission) a house located on our street. Because of this, I recommend that you secure your house and any outbuildings when you are away from home. D and I are completely mortified and very, very sorry that you would be made to feel uncomfortable as a result of the alleged actions of my son. We also apologize for not contacting you earlier about this situation, but we were under the impression that someone on our street had already alerted all the residents living on the street.

On July 1st, D and I told J that he could no longer live in our house. He is also not allowed to come to our house unless we are home. If you see J on our street and we are not home, please call me or D.

Please do not hesitate to contact D or myself with any questions. However, please understand that for legal reasons, we are limited in what we can say. Once the legal issues have run their course we will do everything in our power to address any concerns you may have related to anything that J may have done.

Getting bitchy

Yesterday I was very anxious and irritable. Every chore and decision was excruciatingly painful. However, I was able to get the cover off the pool and hooked up the pump and filter. My mood was dark because I stopped taking my Adderall Saturday. I temporarily suspended use of the drug because even with the higher dose it was not very effective and I was experiencing headaches; and, I just hate taking it. I want to feel "good" without the aid of a stimulant. Given the stressful nature of my life lately I don't expect to realize that goal anytime soon. I took a smaller dose today and while it does not work great I am at least productive. I hit the weights hard and I will try to get a decent nights sleep.

A fathers anguish

Last week I brought my son to the police station so he could be processed for an outstanding arrest warrant. He was charged with burglary (a felony) for walking into my neighbor’s house looking for money. The neighbor happened to be home, but their vehicle was in for repairs so J thought they were out. He also has not come close to completing his 100 hours of community service and his lawyer tells me that in July when they review his case, he will likely be sent to jail for the remaining 11.5 months of his suspended sentence resulting from his accident. I don't think I can do much more for him. In fact, if he doesn’t follow the house rules I will be forced to boot him from the house.

Learning to fly

At 2:00 today I took a 20MG hit of a generic equivalent to Adderall. I am flying high now with lots of energy and my mind is clear as a bell. I am incredibly productive and cranking through some really tough IT issues at my client’s while enjoying Slaughterhouse Five on Hulu. Maybe I am getting high… Fuck it. I will take my energy from wherever I can get it. Hopefully there will be no consequences if I continue this dosage.

Unhappily happy

Right now I am working through what has been a very frustrating project at a client site. I have been trying to get a software product working that will allow me to capture a corporate image of a PC that I can then use to build new PC’s or rebuild old ones. I have spent hours upon hours trying to get a new version of the software working. I can easily build a new PC from scratch (8 hours) in less time then what each of these test configurations has taken. In some cases I have had to blow away the configuration and rebuild the PC manually anyway which is an enormous waste of time. The issue is this; I am happy and content. I have Eric Clapton playing on the headphones and I am slowly and methodically working my way through the analysis process. It pisses me off because the main reason I am happy and content is because I took two hits of Adderall this morning. What is the difference between taking a legally prescribed drug and just smoking some meth that I can buy on the street (aside from the obvious moral and philosophical issues)? I worry about the long term affects of the drugs and I feel weak when I have to resort to them to feel happy.

Well, at least I am enjoying the buzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

Weather mirrors my mood

Life has been a bit insane lately. My old but reliable truck finally succumbed to its age but I found a nice replacement for her in VT. I now have a 1 ton with a diesel but I am feeling the pressure of a huge truck payment.

Life at home has been good but I could use more time there. I have many, many unfinished chores.

I have not smelled the roses lately. I am feeling overwhelmed and really tired. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and slept right thru the night. Today I was pretty lethargic until I took two hits of Adderall. Although I feel better, I hate the fact that it takes a drug to make me feel good. It makes me feel like a junkie.

Sorry for the whiny boring post but I am just not feeling it today.

Exhaustion

Yesterday I slept from 8:00 AM till 2:00 PM. Last night I went to bed at 10:30. However, I am still exhausted. I drove to Baltimore MD with my Training Officer this past weekend to participate in a weekend encampment at his former unit. Beginning Thursday night I averaged about two hours of sleep a night and then drove home through the night on Sunday so I could make my son breakfast yesterday. Maybe I am not such a bad Dad after all. But, I am fucking exhausted.

New coffee house?

For the first time I am writing a post sitting on the deck outside of Dirk's Cafe (my house). The barista (me) can only do so much with a $29.95 espresso machine but my latte still tastes pretty good.

This morning I walked A with B, made breakfast for D and B, took out the trash, refilled the bird feeders and cleaned up the kitchen. Now I am waiting for D as I am giving her a ride to work.

J seems to be doing better. I am happy he is coming home tomorrow. Hopefully he will follow the rules and I won't have to boot him out again.

Good coffee

Today I am drinking my latte while sitting outside the Tilton Coffee and Tea House in Tilton NH. I am traveling to B's track meet with D and my Sister in law.

I feel much better today than I did yesterday. J is going to work and he made it through the night ok.

Life Sucks Then You Die!

J has been out of the house for three days and I am feeling very anxious and upset. I spoke with him yesterday and he is not doing well. Apparently his new girlfriend broke up with him and is seeing someone else. He has a place to sleep but clearly wants to come home. His friends are calling me saying he has to come home. I will stick with the plan and he will not be allowed to come home until Wednesday. He has to have consequences for his behavior.

I am in a foul mood and I just feel like beating the shit out of someone. Right now life FUCKING SUCKS! I am sick and tired of everybody elses BULLSHIT!

Fatherhood...

Yesterday I told J that he cannot live at the house for a week. Tuesday night he told me he was not coming home and I reminded him that such an infraction of the house rules would trigger a one week expulsion. He said he didn't care. I did not sleep very well last night. It was cold and rainy and I hoped that J was staying with friends, not out on the street someplace.

Sometimes I hate being a Dad….

Celebrating Memorial Day

It is nice to sit down and relax for a few minutes at the coffee shop. The long weekend was jam packed and while it seemed too short, I enjoyed most of it. Saturday morning I spent some time with J running errands. In the afternoon you would have found me struggling with changing a heavily rusted fuel filter on my truck. Sunday we went up north to open D's parent’s trailer. Yesterday I marched in a parade in Cambridge MA with the cadet group; then walked along the Charles River with D. Last night we went out as a family to celebrate J's birthday.

Today I hope to learn more about J's immediate future. Recently he entered my neighbor’s house looking for money and was discovered by the owner. I expect that he will be arrested this week. As a result of his arrest, he will have violated the terms of his suspended sentence and in all likelihood will spend the next 11 months at the County Jail serving the balance of his sentence. He will also have to deal with this new charge but I would be surprised if he got more than probation. I am really pissed at my neighbors for filing charges as they know that he will spend a year in jail for what some might consider a minor offense. I understand how violated they feel but I had hoped that we could work this out without involving the legal system. On the other hand, maybe this is what J needs to get him on the right path; but I suspect that time in jail will only make him feel more like a criminal. He recently told me that he is just like my crack-smoking, alcoholic, car–stealing, drug-dealing brother. That hurt… I hope he is wrong. I am sure that this new offense has circulated throughout town I feel more isolated from the community then even after J’s accident where he killed a local man.

There is so much more to say but I have to go see the lawyer.

I meant to...

It happened exactly one year from the day it happened last year; just as I knew it would. I had been thinking about it for a while and I had hoped to do something special in recognition of the day. I even put a reminder in my BlackBerry so that I could plan something special. But, like so many previous years, I did not do anything extra special. The sad truth is that I obviously do not regard this particular day as all that important; otherwise I would have given it the attention it deserves. I am thinking about doing something now even though my belated effort would pale in significance. Maybe what I should do is start planning for next year. I have 356 days to prove that May 16 is as important to me as it is to my wife.

The Beach

Today I had to visit a client near the beach so I felt compelled to stop in at a coffee shop located on the beach boulevard. Coffee shops equipped with espresso machines are rare in this area so I like to visit them when I can. I arrived at 7:30 only to discover that they do not open till 8:00. WTF!!! What kind of coffee shop opens that late? I left and drove to my client’s office feeling very disappointed. I resolved the client’s issues quickly and decided to try the coffee shop again. When I ordered my cafe mocha with four shots, the Barista warned me that their espresso was very strong. "I will be the judge of that" I said laughing. As it turns out their coffee is very good and I am sitting on their little patio writing this posting feeling very content.

It is becoming apparent that J will not abide by our new contract regarding the rules of the house. I am still not prepared to toss him out, but I suspect we are heading in that direction. I will try talking to him one more time. He is making some effort to adhere to our agreement but I think I have to hold him 100% accountable.

Warmer weather

It is a spectacularly beautiful day in the Town Square this morning. I am writing this post while sipping my triple-venti-no whipped-mocha seated outside of my favorite coffee shop.

D and I just returned home yesterday after spending three days in Camden ME kayaking and relaxing. We were celebrating our 22nd anniversary. It is hard to believe we have spent almost half of our lives together. I am an incredibly lucky man to be with D.

D and I wrote up a contract for J outlining our expectations regarding his behavior. Rather than booting him from the house completely, we implemented a three strikes policy wherein he will have to leave the house for a week if he strikes out or commits a serious offense such as stealing. We also gave him an 11:00 curfew on work nights that will hopefully curtail his partying.

B is attending his Junior Prom tonight. He is going with a female "friend" but he is thrilled about the event. It is interesting to watch him at track events as many of the girls are very flirtatious with him. He clearly loves the attention but has not expressed interest in a more serious relationship with any girls at this point.

Who's fault is it?

My neighbor left a message on my cell phone the other day. "Dirk, please call me ASAP. I need to talk to you about an urgent issue." I knew then that his call had something to do with J. When I called him later he was really pissed. “Your son broke into our house today surprising my wife who was sleeping. When she asked him what he was doing there he said he needed an egg. Are you out of eggs at your house?” he asked. My heart was in my throat at that point and I replied “No… I don't think so.” “So what the fuck was J doing in my house?” he asked. I could sense the restraint in his voice; probably more than I would have had in a similar situation. "He was looking for money” I said glumly. He had asked me to borrow the truck that morning to help a friend move and I had told him that it was low on gas and he would need to get at least a few gallons. He said he had the money. Apparently he had hoped that my friend would have the money. There was a pause as the harsh reality of the situation set into my friends mind. “From me?” he said incredulously. “After everything I have done for him?” There was less restraint in his words as he wrestled with a multitude of emotions. I know that feeling of violation when Josh has entered our bedroom rifling through our belongings looking for money. My friends feeling of violation must be an order or magnitude greater then what I experienced. “I am sorry” I said rubbing my hand across my face. “Dude, it is not your fault” he replied. But I knew it was. I have failed as a Father. My son is a thief, a liar and probably on the road to a life of crime.

Brevity

Sun warm on my face

Square is alive with people

I sit, content

Early Morning Part II

When we arrived at the hospital, J was already admitted and lying in a bed inside the small ER room. A nurse was attaching the electrodes for an EKG test. “How are you?” I asked with a concerned look on my face. “I am fine Dad” J replied. “My heart was racing and I was having a hard time breathing so my friend called 911. The paramedics checked me out and insisted I go to the hospital.” “What were you doing when this happened” I asked. “Dad, I had a couple beers and I was not doing any drugs” he replied confidently looking me directly in the eye. “I was dealing with a very stressful problem and was overwhelmed with anxiety” he continued looking away. I did not question him any further about the incident. D and I left him with the doctors and nurses retiring to the waiting area to await the outcome of the tests. I suspected that he was taking drugs and he had a reaction.

The cardiology tests all come out negative and the next night he was out partying again. I don’t want him drinking and he is taking a significant risk given that he is underage and still on probation as a result of his traffic accident. If he gets arrested he will go to jail. I have spoken to him about this but he is clearly unconcerned. I am not sure I can do anything else.

I know that he is grappling with a very serious problem but he is not talking to me about it. I suspect that he has either gotten a girl pregnant or been arrested for something and his hoping I will not find out.

Recently he went to spend a weekend with a friend of mine; the same friend where he was responsible for stealing $300 from my friends neighbor. He has paid back the money and my friend is trying to forgive him for his crime. However, he and my son got into an argument and J left, apparently walking 16 miles before he was able to catch a ride to the train station. This happened two weeks ago and I have yet to talk to my friend. However, I will have to see him to retrieve some power tools that he borrowed. I am not looking forward to that conversation.

Early morning

As I reached for the phone I glanced at the clock on my bed stand. The bright red LED's displayed 3:46 AM. "Hello" I said gruffly. "Hi Dad, I am in the back of an ambulance on the way to the hospital." "What happened? Are you ok” I asked sitting bolt upright. "I don't know, my heart was racing and I couldn't breathe" J replied. "Where are they taking you" I asked. He gave me the name of the hospital and I told him we would meet him there. As I hung up the phone I could feel the onset of anxiety. What bothered me most was feeling guilty because I was pissed that I had to get up so early to deal with this. I should be more concerned about my son than my precious sleep. I guess after years of these "crises" I am becoming desensitized to them. D began to stir as I pulled my trousers on. "What's going on" she asked. "J is on the way to the hospital with a racing heart and difficulty breathing" I replied. "Should I go" she asked sleepily. I thought that was an odd question and was uncertain how to reply. "Yes" I said pulling on my shirt.

Never enough

My friend handed me the phone saying “it’s your wife and she doesn’t sound happy. “Hello” I said placing the phone to my ear. “When are you going to be home?” D asked. “I am not sure” I replied. “Is it going to be late?” she asked. I hesitated trying to think thru all the possible factors that could influence my return time. “It’s going to be after 9:00 isn’t it?” she said. I had grown weary of playing this game so I said “yes”. “Fine” she replied angrily and hung up the phone.

When I walked into the house a couple of hours later, D was busy cleaning the kitchen. “The dining room looks great” I said to her dropping my computer bag on the floor. “The chandelier is crooked" she replied. I had spent all day Saturday as well as Sunday morning installing the wrought iron fixture. “The arms just have to be adjusted” I said reaching for the light. “You are spending way too much time with the Cadet group” she said. “Are you saying I am not spending enough time with you and the boys? “I countered. “Yes” D replied. I hung my head in frustration. “I don’t get you sometimes” I replied. “I used to completely neglect you and over the past five years I have worked very hard to be a better husband. We do more together now than we ever did before. And now you say it is not enough”. “Well you can’t even answer your phone” she said her voice raising a few decimals. “D, I told you that I have to put my phone on vibrate at work and sometimes I forget to take it off. Do you think I don’t answer the phone just to piss you off?” “Yes” she said staring at me with a defiant look on her face her feet plants firmly. All that was missing was the hands on the hips. “Are you saying that I would intentionally want to hurt you” I asked my face turning red with a look of disbelief. ”Yes” she said staring directly at me with steely eyes. “Wow” I said in a hushed tone; my body slumped as if I had just been punched in the gut. I turned and walked away.

We did not talk for a couple of days and when we did, D said she misunderstood what I was saying. I told her I thought she understood me perfectly and that we should discuss why she feels that way. We have not had that discussion yet.

Death and Taxes

I have spent the last four days (except for Easter dinner) in tax hell. People that wait for the last minute to prepare their taxes are sent to tax hell to crunch numbers, search for missing documents, decode cryptic bank statements and bang their head on their desk when their computer decides to stop working. I sent my information off to my accountant last night and I am hopeful he can squeeze me in.

I have been tired, lethargic and somewhat depressed lately. The weather is finally starting to improve so hopefully my mood will as well.

C'mon Summer

Winter refuses to release us from her icy grasp. It was 28 degrees this morning when B and I walked A. However, as we turned the corner at the top of our hill, we could see the morning sun blazing through the emerging buds on the maples and beeches. I stopped for a moment, turning my face to the east, eager to soak in the warmth of the golden rays.

B won 3rd place at his track meet yesterday. He was very surprised and delighted when I showed up at the track as he had not expected me to make the trip because it is quite distant from our home. It makes me happy to please him in that way.

I am feeling a bit rundown lately. I am very stressed about my inability to resolve some unpaid bills. I just have to do a better job managing our budget.

Homecooking

Last night I made a fabulous dinner for the family.

Seafood Newburg with lobster, halibut and shrimp (I made the sauce from scratch)
Whole grain brown rice
Steamed broccoli
Freshly made, undercooked brownies topped with Shaine’s of Maine, Moose Tracks ice cream covered in chocolate sauce (OMG, it was so good)

I don't particularly like cooking but I know D appreciates the break.

After dinner I asked J to clean the kitchen and he attempted to engage me into a debate about when he should do the chore up which I successfully avoided.

Walking the dog

I absolutely love spending time with B in the morning walking A. We always have something to talk about and often laugh and joke together. He seems to be recovering well from his recent breakup; although the kid his ex-girlfriend is dating is apparently talking a lot of smack about B. Initially B wanted to beat the kid up but after talking with me and his Mom decided against it.

I have been in good spirits recently. I attempted to stop the Lexapro but after five days I became incredibly agitated so decided to go back on it. I feel like my life is well balanced except for dealing with my taxes. I am chipping away at that problem though.

Save the world one child at a time

I have been spending a fair amount of time working individually with some of the kids at the adolescent home. There is one in particular that seems to look forward to my visits; I will refer to him as Tigger. Tigger is really angry and his mom is apparently suffering from some psychological issues. He is prone to fits of rage and has a particular lack of respect for woman. Tigger seems to enjoy hanging out with me and we play a lot of basketball, racquetball and foosball. We laugh and have a good time but he has yet to open up emotionally. I am going to try to get him out of the home for a trip to the beach or something to see if he will talk with me.

Too busy for Clickerville

I believe that you must strive to live in a manner that reflects your core belief system. Lately I have been all but absent from Clickerville, but I wonder if I am beginning to burn out a bit. Following is my schedule for the last week or so:

3/16: Work and sports banquet for B
3/17: Work
3/18: Work, make supper then meditation class with D
3/19: Work and Cadet Group
3/20: Adolescent group home
3/21 – 22: Take Cadet Group to overnight trip on USS Salem battleship
3/23 – 3/25: Snowmobiling near Canada with J
3/26: Work and Cadet Group
3/27: Work and Adolescent Home
3/28 – 29: Work and time with family

It is a pretty insane schedule and while I feel tired, I truly believe that I am making the most of my short time on this planet.

I stopped taking Lexapro on Monday and I do not feel any worse for it. I will continue with the Adderall for as long as I need it.

Sledding with J was fabulous. It was a great Father and Son bonding experience.

The trip with the Cadet Group was also fabulous. Everything went well and both staff and the cadets had a great time.

I went to the Y to lift weights with the boys from the adolescent home last Friday and then we went to see “Knowing” which was a decent movie.

I do feel like I am neglecting B a bit. We still walk most school mornings but we have only been boarding twice and have not been running together at all. I need to spend some more time with him. Perhaps I will take him to the climbing gym this weekend.

I worry a lot about my back taxes and wonder when Uncle Sam will come pounding on my door. I need to spend more time with my finances.

Broken hearts everywhere

Yesterday I went to see my 17 year-old nephew C. He just broke up with his girlfriend of 13 months and has been acting out as of late. Like my son, this was his first breakup. Apparently his former girlfriend hangs out with kids that C says are involved with drugs and partying and she was lying to him about it. Sitting across from him at a table inside Starbucks, I could see he was struggling emotionally. Whith his head hung low and a look of dejection on his face, he appeared to be broken and hopeless. However, when I told him I had scheduled our vacation week up at the lake, he perked up a bit. We always take him with us and I know he looks forward to the trip with great anticipation.

I started reading a new book called “Teen Whisperer” by Mike Linderman. I am impressed with the author already and he and I have many things in common. I look forward to learning more about his approach to counseling teens.

Young Love

Saturday I held my sobbing sixteen year-old son in my arms. B had his heart broken by his first girlfriend whom he loved deeply. I had never expected the relationship to last because they seldom do in high school. But against all odds they stayed together for approximately six months. And they loved each other’s company. They would talk on the phone for hours and laugh and play much to my delight. I am always happy when B enjoys being a child, an opportunity I never got to enjoy. My heart ached as I wrestled with mixed emotions. I am thankful that B and I have the kind of relationship where he can share with me his deep-felt sorrow. I also think it is good that a sixteen year-old will allow himself to cry as he will likely work through the grieving process more quickly. But it was gut wrenching to see him in such a sad state.

All good things......

This morning it was cold and rainy when B and I took A for her walk. I suspect our sledding and snowboarding season is coming to an end soon.

I am enjoying working with the cadet group. I finally accepted the position of XO so I guess I will be there for a while. Soon, we will be spending a weekend aboard the USS Salem and I am excited about the visit. I always enjoy my time aboard the venerable battleship.

Switch to Dunkin???? Never!

Lately I have been feeling a bit guilty about some of my spending habits. Many people I associate with including parents and staff from the cadet group as well as my own sisters have significantly less financial resources then I do. Most mornings you will find me sitting in my elitist coffee shop wearing my $160 North Face jacket and $120 Keen shoes drinking a $5 triple-venti-no-whipped mocha. Yesterday I decided to change all that; Today I am sitting in my elitist coffee shop wearing my $160 North Face jacket and $120 Keen shoes drinking a $2.75 Café Au Lait. Now I feel much better.

Working hard

Life has been pretty frantic lately. I am working my butt off but still spending lots of time with the family, cadet group and adolescent home. My mood has been great due in part to some changes I made to my meds. I now take one Adderall in the morning and another after lunch. I take the Lexapro before I go to bed. I love work right now and I have been super productive.

Last night at drill I finally accepted the CO's request to take over the position of XO (Executive Officer). I have decided against starting my own unit as I am quite happy working with the unit in Boston. We started a new recruit training class and we brought eight new kids into the unit.

File this posting under "life is good". ;-)

Conquering Mt. Aggie

Tuesday, another staff member (K) and I successfully summited Mt. Agamentus along with five kids from the adolescent home. K and I were subjected to a reasonable amount of whining and complaining but no more than I expected. We did have a couple of minor conflicts with some of the kids but we resolved them quickly and overall a good time was had by all. It was a beautiful day with fresh snow and temps in the low 30's when the sign was shining and the wind wasn’t blowing.

Unfortunately, my preplanning efforts were not completely successful as all of the girls ignored most of my outerwear suggestions and wore tight fitting jeans with no base layer (there would be no room for a base layer). When snow-shoeing, the snow tends to be kicked up on the back of one’s pants so the girls were all soaked and cold before we reached the summit. Hopefully they will learn from this experience and in the future will heed my advice to dress for the elements, not for the boys.

It was interesting to watch one particular girl with a rather low cut shirt and push up bra attempt to keep her assets exposed even though at times it was quite cold, 10 to 15 degrees with the wind chill. I desperately want to show her how she is devaluing herself and the attention she may get is not the kind that she really wants. However, I am unsure how to attain such a lofty objective but determined to find an answer.

Enjoying the snow

Today I am taking some kids from the adolescent home snowshoeing. We hope to climb a small mountain in York Maine. I am a little anxious as I am uncertain as to how I will handle the inevitable bitching about the cold and the length of the hike. I have found that when working with adolescents it can be difficult to balance safety with the desire to successfully complete the objective. I am also a bit concerned about how prepared the kids will be. Let's hope they are dressed for success.

Yesterday I enjoyed a fabulous day snowboarding with B. The conditions were outstanding and there were no lines at the lifts. I am so fortunate to be able to spend time with my son doing what I love.

Spring is coming

Sunday night we received another 15” of snow. I still love the snow but a lot of people are becoming bitchy over the weather. I know Spring will be her soon so it does not bother me. I actually enjoy the bitter cold and snow knowing it will be gone soon.

Sunday J and I went sledding. We had a fabulous time up until we found out that the gas station we were counting on to get home was closed. I still had plenty of fuel so I left J there and continued back to get the truck. Lesson of the day was to call ahead to check business hours for any gas stations we might need to use.

Friday night I took the kids from the adolescent home to an indoor rock climbing gym. I am really starting to feel comfortable with the kids and staff. Apparently they feel the same way about me. I really enjoy working with the kids. I wish I could do this as a job.

Iwo Jima Day

Yesterday I took the cadets to participate in an Iwo Jima day parade in Boston. When we arrived we came upon another unit from the same organization. This unit from western Mass was larger and more experienced so we folded our kids in with theirs. The CO of the other unit was a in-your-face drill instructor type and my kids received a rude awakening at his behest. However they seemed to quickly settle into the new order and performed well at the parade.

Afterwards I went to see my sister who is recovering from a three week stay at psychiatric hospital. We had a great visit and we both enjoyed the company. She seems to be making some progress. I hope she continues to work on her issues.

Poetry

Today I am blogging from my favorite coffee shop via my tablet PC. This is a new experiment and I am unsure if I will prefer the simplicity of my Blackberry.

Last night D and I went to a poetry recital B was participating in. He did a fabulous job and D and I are both very proud of him. I have been after B to keep a journal and I have decided to resort to blatant bribery to get my way. Yesterday I offered him a dollar for every day that he updates his journal.

Yesterday I stayed home as I had to take J to have his wisdom teeth out. I actually cleaned up my office and even waxed my desk. I need to do a better set of putting things away so my office and garage are not so cluttered.

Exhausted

This past weekend was another busy one. Friday night I went rollerblading with the kids from the adolescent home. Saturday I went snowmobiling with J. Sunday morning I did some woodworking with B then rollerblading with him and his girlfriend in the afternoon. Sunday night I went to a house party with D. I get tired just thinking about it. While I am exhausted and a little burnt out I am very happy to be avoiding Clickerville.

I am struggling with how to approach a particularly sensitive issue. Some of the girls at the adolescent home dress and act more provocatively then what I would deem appropriate. I recognize they are looking for attention but I want to teach them the difference between “look at my boobs” attention and sincere interest in who they are. Some are even flirting with me a bit and while I want to build a relationship with them, I am unsure how to effectively respond to their “signals” without hurting their feelings.

Relax....

Last night D and I went to our second meditation class at the Buddhist temple. I am happy to be doing this with D and I am meditating more as a result. Yesterday I went for a "walking meditation" along the beach. I purchased an MP3 guide, loaded it on my BlackBerry and off I went. I found the experience to be quite refreshing and look forward to my next walk.

The fall of man?

Generally I write about current events in my life. Lately my life has been fairly routine and predictable, so I have less to write about. This is when I start to consider existential topics such as what really separates humans from animals. I sometimes wonder if our ability to think and manage our own destiny and circumstance began in the Garden of Eden. While I do not follow any particular religion and have actually been more of a Darwinist in recent years, I do think it is plausible that back in the Garden of Eden (which I believe is a metaphor in which neither gender is more responsible than the other) a supreme being, possibly our creator, faced with our disobedience gave us the option to think and care for ourselves. In accepting this option we gave up the blissful ignorance that all other animals enjoy. Given the choice today, would you take your current life or would you opt for the life of an animal such as a hawk living along the coast of the Pacific Northwest? The hawk spends its time gathering food, raising its young and endlessly gliding in the daytime thermals. If only he was aware of his incredible fortune.

Good weekend

This past weekend was busy but fun. Saturday D and I went to a staff retreat dinner with the cadet group. Yesterday I went snowmobiling with J. Our trip started off a little rough as we had to return to the truck within five minutes for repairs. J pretty much melted down in a fit of anger while I calmly made my repair and attempted to guide him through his. Within an hour he had calmed down and we had both sleds repaired and ready to go. The rest of the day was fabulous. My sled is incredibly fast and I am really enjoying driving it. At this point I have only $700 into it including the purchase price and I am hopeful that the maintenance costs will remain low.

Friday I spent some time at the adolescent home and I am now part of the staff (albeit unpaid). Soon I will be able to be alone with the kids and take them off site. Friday night I had a situation where I was playing basketball with the boys and one of the boys walked off the court as I was warning him about pushing. I approached him and he said he was not pushing and said I had no right to tell him to stop. He had only been at the home for four days and I am sure he was pretty traumatized at that point. However, I feel that I need to stay true to myself in my belief that I need to teach kids the right way to do things including playing basketball. I will make sure to try and talk with him next time I see him.

Awakening

This morning when B and I took A for her morning walk, the digital thermometer displayed negative 2 degrees. This has been a harsh winter but especially difficult for A as she has to trudge through 5 feet of snow to relieve herself.

I am enjoying another great mood today. D and I went to our first meditation class at the Buddhist temple. The class was great and I am doubly happy because I completed something on my to-do list.

This morning I practiced the art of mindfulness while I was shaving. It was like I suddenly awoke from a coma. I could see, feel and hear the razor as I swiped away the foam revealing my newly shaven skin. I noticed for the first time the smell of the shaving cream. I could feel the warm steam rising from the hot water as I rinsed off the razor. I found myself smiling as I related my experience to D. I think I will enjoy learning about the Buddha and his teachings.

Family

My sister R checked herself into a psychiatric hospital approximately two weeks ago. Yesterday my sister, her daughter and I met with R and her doctor. The meeting went well and I specifically initiated a dialogue between R and her daughter relative to her daughter’s anger about the manner in which she was raised. R has struggled with depression her entire life and her kids did not get the degree of care and affection that one might expect from a healthy parent. R's ex-husband was the primary caregiver and he was a physically abusive alcoholic. Definitely not the best environment to grow up in…

I spend a lot of time helping people that I do not know. It is time that I spent more time helping my own family. I must commit to spending more time with my wife, sons, sisters, nieces and nephews.

Make a difference

Recently I was asked why I like working with adolescents. “I want to help kid’s live happy and fulfilled lives” I replied. I believe when a child grows up in a stressful environment their brain develops in such a way that happiness becomes elusive; like in my case.

Last night I was talking with my 1st Sgt. and he was thanking me for dinner and all the advice I give him. I laughed and said that with my advice and $4.86 he could get a latte at Starbucks. He went on to say that he often thinks of me during the day when making decisions asking himself what I would do in his place. I told him I was flattered and said "kind of like WWDD or What Would D Do?"

I am pretty happy today. I wonder if it has anything to do with my making a difference in the life of a child?

Lotsa snow coming

Today I am in a great mood! I feel energetic, motivated and ready for the day. I suspect my mood is at least partially due to the second hit of Adderall I took yesterday afternoon. I know amphetamine is only supposed to work for six to eight hours, but I believe there is some residual benefit that can last longer.

We are expecting 15" inches of snow today. I sorely miss my jeep and its plow as snow blowing is incredibly time consuming. The transmission rebuild is underway but with a $500 price tag I am not in a rush.

Friday night the cadets are coming over to my house for a day of winter survival training. I am looking forward to this weekend although it has been pretty stressful preparing for it. We will be sleeping outside and the forecast is calling for temps in the single digits. Oorah!!!

Another coffe shop

Today I am sitting in a quaint little coffee shop in a small town near Portland ME. We are here for B's track meet. The latte is not the best I have had but the atmosphere is cozy.

D is back from FL and we are getting back to our normal routines. It is good to have her home.

Yesterday I took my sled out for the first time. It ran great, but I think I have to replace the rear spring and shock. I just discovered that J is not allowed to legally operate a snowmobile because of his suspended license. I need to find out more detail on this law; specifically what the consequences are if he is caught operating the snowmobile while his license is suspended.

Family genes and I don't mean Levis

Last night I went to visit my sister in the hospital. She checked herself in due to severe depression and anxiety. R is a wounded soul that suffered a traumatic experience when she was very young from which she never fully recovered. She has been medicated and under the care of a psychiatrist for the past twenty years. This is not the first time she has visited the hospital for psychiatric care, but it was the first time she called me from the hospital to tell me she was there. Previously she would tell me about her visit after she left. During our visit I tried very hard to make the conversation interactive which worked reasonably well. I also focused on helping her to identify the primary causes of her anxiety and ways she could reduce some of the stress in her life. As I listened to myself speak I realized that I needed to take my own advice and work on the issues that created stress and anxiety in my life. I need to spend less time in Clickerville and more time working towards completion of my goals.

Wicked cold

When B and I took A for her walk this morning the digital thermometer displayed 1.8 degrees. Luckily there was little to no wind.

This morning I am in a good mood. I have to believe this is due to the Lexapro and Adderall. I hate taking medication but I hate being depressed more. I have the cadet group tonight and the adolescent home tomorrow night. I definately look forward to the end of the week.

Fender bender

Apparently B got into a minor car accident at school today. I don't know all the details as he left me a message but he indicated that he slid on some ice when parking and ran into another student’s car. Everyone is ok. Hopefully there is not much damage to the vehicles.

My mood continues to be “ok” which I guess is better than “foul”. I am still spending way too much time in Clickerville but I am enjoying it less so I hope to make better use of my time soon.

Cell phone etiquette

For the first time in a long time I overslept. B woke me up at 6:00. When we left to walk A a few minutes later, the thermometer displayed 7 degrees.

As usual, I am writing this post from the coffee shop. Currently there is a woman sitting across from me talking quietly on her cell and a man sitting next to me talking loudly on his cell. He even ordered his coffee without ending his call which I find rude. I think people should be able to talk on their cell phones wherever they choose even in public places as long as they are not disturbing the people around them. After all, it is completely acceptable to talk with someone in person so what is the difference? But when someone is talking loudly on their cell I find it incredibly annoying.

More shoveling

I had a reasonably productive day yesterday. D, B and I shoveled and snow blowed the driveway and walkways. Following, B and I did a little carpentry work repairing a DVD storage rack. After that I worked on my sled and discovered it is in need of some major repairs. This is the precise reason I did not want to buy a sled in the first place.

I have been in a reasonable mood but it is too early to judge the effectiveness of the increased dosage of Lexapro.

Decent day

I am in good spirits today. This morning I went to the gym with B and D. Afterwards, D and I went into town for some errands. This afternoon I am going to Boston with J to see a car show. I am happy to be spending time with the family today.

Last night a spent a few hours with the kids at the adolescent home. We went to a video arcade and I am starting to become familiar with some of the kids. I was somewhat nervous prior to arriving but by the end of the night I felt very comfortable. The girls will be the most challenging. They are very needy and constantly looking for attention.

I am becoming increasingly nervous about the economy. If I were to lose my one large client I would likely lose my house. I need to redouble my efforts to find new business.

Forward in time

Last night I drilled with the cadets. We have not had many drills in the past 30 days other than holiday parties, so it was nice to get back into a routine. I have been neglecting my responsibilities relative to the program. I need to spend more time on administrative tasks outside of drill.

Tonight will be my first time volunteering at the adolescent home. I am a little anxious but very excited about working with the kids.

Lately I have been thinking that I need to spend more time actively engaged with my own family. I wish I could go forward in time and meet myself in the future so we could discuss how I squandered so much time that could have been spent being a better dad and husband.

More snow

Yesterday we received about 4" of mixed precipitation that froze during the night. Cleaning the mixture off my Celica was a pain in the butt. This morning I explained to D how to use the new snow blower. When I left for work, she was busy snow blowing the mess I left in the driveway when I cleaned off my car.

Drugged up

Today I feel much better than the past few days. After meeting with my Doc, we decided to stay with the Lexapro but increase the dose. I will also take Adderall when needed. It is hard to believe that I went so long with no medication at all and now I am taking two to keep my head above water. Hopefully I will get back to the med-free zone soon.

Friday I start volunteering at the adolescent home. I am excited about working with the kids but really nervous about what to expect. I have never dealt with kids that have criminal backgrounds and I am not sure what to expect.

Brain versus heart

I can feel myself sinking into a dark depression. I stopped the Lexapro for a couple of days because I didn’t think it was working but I took it again today along with a hit of Adderall. I see my Doc on Monday and I expect we will switch to something else. There are no external events triggering this bout of melancholy so I can’t imagine how I would feel if I am faced with some type of extreme hardship.

I am writing this post from the indoor track of the local university. I am very anxious when I attend B’s track meets as I come face to face with people from town. I was not very bothered by this interaction before, but ever since the couple moved away from me while at the sports banquet I have been very uncomfortable when mixing with the local townspeople. My brain tells me that they were not trying to distance themselves from me, but my heart tells me that they do not want to be seen with the father of the kid that killed their neighbor in the automobile accident.

I am going to attempt to write a book about my life. It will be based on my experiences with a fair amount of fiction mixed in. This should be an interesting endeavor for someone with my limited education. Following is an excerpt:

We gathered around J as he lay in the hospital bed. He had cuts and bruises on his face and body but the ER doc said that he would be ok. ‘He may have a mild concussion so we are sending him for a cat scan just to be safe” said the soft-spoken physician peering through designer glasses with square black frames. We knew there were two other drivers involved in the accident and apparently one had suffered significant injuries when he was ejected from the vehicle. “So you don’t remember anything” I asked J? “No Dad” he replied. “I remember leaving work and the next thing I remember was seeing you arrive at the accident as the firemen were taking me out of the car”. Suddenly from out in the hall, just outside our door we could hear the bone-chilling scream of what sounded like a young girl. We all looked at each other in horror but no one spoke a word. We knew it must be the daughter of one of the other victims. We know suspected that someone had died in the accident but did not know for sure. We sat there in silence as the girl continued to scream and sob. I looked at J with concern and he had a mortified look on his face. “Why would they tell her right here?” I said to myself. I knew that we would all remember this moment for the rest of our lives.