Brain versus heart

I can feel myself sinking into a dark depression. I stopped the Lexapro for a couple of days because I didn’t think it was working but I took it again today along with a hit of Adderall. I see my Doc on Monday and I expect we will switch to something else. There are no external events triggering this bout of melancholy so I can’t imagine how I would feel if I am faced with some type of extreme hardship.

I am writing this post from the indoor track of the local university. I am very anxious when I attend B’s track meets as I come face to face with people from town. I was not very bothered by this interaction before, but ever since the couple moved away from me while at the sports banquet I have been very uncomfortable when mixing with the local townspeople. My brain tells me that they were not trying to distance themselves from me, but my heart tells me that they do not want to be seen with the father of the kid that killed their neighbor in the automobile accident.

I am going to attempt to write a book about my life. It will be based on my experiences with a fair amount of fiction mixed in. This should be an interesting endeavor for someone with my limited education. Following is an excerpt:

We gathered around J as he lay in the hospital bed. He had cuts and bruises on his face and body but the ER doc said that he would be ok. ‘He may have a mild concussion so we are sending him for a cat scan just to be safe” said the soft-spoken physician peering through designer glasses with square black frames. We knew there were two other drivers involved in the accident and apparently one had suffered significant injuries when he was ejected from the vehicle. “So you don’t remember anything” I asked J? “No Dad” he replied. “I remember leaving work and the next thing I remember was seeing you arrive at the accident as the firemen were taking me out of the car”. Suddenly from out in the hall, just outside our door we could hear the bone-chilling scream of what sounded like a young girl. We all looked at each other in horror but no one spoke a word. We knew it must be the daughter of one of the other victims. We know suspected that someone had died in the accident but did not know for sure. We sat there in silence as the girl continued to scream and sob. I looked at J with concern and he had a mortified look on his face. “Why would they tell her right here?” I said to myself. I knew that we would all remember this moment for the rest of our lives.