I could hear my son sobbing upstairs in his room, but I remained on the couch, my gaze fixed on the television. I was not really watching tv; rather I was trying to distract my mind from the fracas that was swirling through our home. I knew I should go upstairs and console B, but I just didn't have the fortitude to do so. He had been loudly arguing with D after I told her that I did not want to talk to him because I was too angry. So she went upstairs and proceeded to castigate him even though he said he did not want to talk. In effort to exert control on him, she took away his car as a punishment for his behavior. He then flipped out including kicking his door leaving a foot sized hole in it. So I let him cry and thought about death instead.
When I am dead will "I" cease to exist? Will anyone really miss me? D and B will get the money from my life insurance. D will remarry to someone that will treat her better. B doesn't need me anymore. J never did...
Most days I believe that our purpose in life is to help others. But how can I help other people when I can't even help myself? My life is so fucking easy but yet I am miserable. Night after night I come home and waste away in Clickerville neglecting my family and responsibilities. I keep thinking that I will eventually regain my energy and enthusiasm but other than brief periods, I remain a sloth wasting my life away. Something has to change.
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1 comment:
I identify with this post as I always think about how my daughter may be better off without me. As much control as I may seem to have over my life, my dark thoughts take over when no one is watching, and I'm afraid that the darkness will swallow me whole. I've done a good job of keeping the darkness away from my daughter thus far, but it's inevitable that my depression will come to the surface, and most likely at a time when she's old enough to understand that her mother is f*cked up in the head.
arrrghhh...
Is there a depressed anonymous group we can join???
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