Still Missing Her

I have recently been thinking about A; probably because it is becoming warmer and I am encountering memories that bring her back.  She quit the Marines some time ago and is back in the area but we never communicate.  The friend that I was so fond of is no more and it pains me to be around this person that I don't know.  She has made some attempts to contact me over the months but I keep my responses brief, showing now interest in any kind of relationship.

I miss my friend though...  My heart aches when I allow myself to be swept up in the emotions that lie around every corner.  Memories thrust themselves at me with no regard for the pain they inflict.  I do have fond memories as well, but it is better that I try to put our past behind me.  I miss her so much...  I think about the scientific biophysical process that is causing me so much angst and while I recognize my intense emotions are a result of biochemicals swirling around my brain, they are no less intense.  I wish I'd handled our relationship differently.  Perhaps we could be friends if I had.

I Give Up

Last Saturday I finally relented and started taking an anti-depressant.  It's too early to judge how well it will work, but I'm feeling some placebo effect.  I was often completely withdrawn at home and apparently unable to pull myself out of this malaise that has lasted eight months. 

Let me go...

I was moving on, feeling much better and making good progress on my goals.  I was enjoying the sunrise almost every day and smiling more often.  Now she is contacting me and is apparently coming home for a few months.  I really don't want her in my life.  Perhaps that is harsh, but my friend is gone and has been replaced by this person I don't know and don't really like.  We were so close when she left, best friends.  We talked openly and honestly.  This new person has some of her attributes, but our conversation is awkward, shallow and without feeling or emotion.  She gets angry quickly and is very condescending.  I miss my friend and talking to this person brings me to a place where I don't want to be.  I have not been very responsive to her.  Perhaps she will lose interest and move on. 

She's Baaaaackkkkk....

It's a cold day in the town square with a NW wind blowing at 20 - 25 knots. We received 4 - 5 inches of snow over the weekend and the DPW crews are still plowing and salting. 
 
The past few weeks I have been upbeat and productive.  I am working through my financial issues and as time passed, became less and less anxious about A's absence.  I have made many new friends in the creative community and I'm feeling successful on the Maslovian scale.

Last night A managed to get her phone and she resumed texting me.  While I enjoy hearing from her, I really am not very interested in listening to how horrible everything is and how she is depressed and hates being there.  I am in a quandary as to what to do moving forward.  I want to support her and be her friend, but I am not anxious to become emotionally attached to her again.  She chose a path, against my advice, which will almost certainly guarantee her 4 - 8 years of very difficult times.  There is little I can do except listen; I just don't know if I am up for that.  For now, I will simply not be super responsive.  Perhaps I will start having phone issues.  I don't want to hurt her, but I need to keep myself in a good space.  Idk...  It's hard to let go.

Love is an illusion

One needs closure to move on from any situation where one is hurt.  The best closure includes the party that was involved in, or contributed to the pain.  Absent that, it is very difficult to move on with uncertainty hanging in the air like a unseen odorless gas waiting to suck the air from your lungs.  At some level, I dared to hope for something that could never be.  As the reality of the situation sets in, I can feel my heart harden as I remind myself that we are carbon forms that act on instinct and any illusion of a spiritual connection is nothing more than a malformed electrical connection in my utilitarian brain.

Goodbye A

A is home and she is not the girl that left three months ago.  I knew I was right when I counseled her not to join the Marines.  She has become like a robot with no feelings.  She clearly suffers from PTSD resulting from her experience at boot camp.  I can't imagine what will happen when she gets deployed if she is involved with combat.  This is so fucked up.  I am overwrought with anxiety.  She hardly talks to me now.  I am just a civilian and civilians are disgusting with no purpose.  Yep, they really rewired her.  Her boyfriend who went to boot camp at the same time appears to have suffered some type of brain damage.  His speech is slow and he hardly moves his mouth.  It almost seems like he got a concussion or something. 

So it is time to say goodbye and move on.  My new mantra is "I am in control of my emotions".  I have to focus on what is truly important in my life and let the other bullshit go.  It is so true that happiness is tied to desire as the Buddhists believe.  I can see it in my life but I ignore it instead of re-framing my thoughts and desires.

Where's rock bottom?

Last night I slept for maybe two hours.  Yesterday was a rollercoaster emotionally.  The blue pills don't work as well now.   I stayed pretty focused at work though.  Today I am working as well

I had a couple of brief text exchanges with A yesterday and this morning.  We may see her and her boyfriend tonight or tomorrow.

Next week I'm going to make an appt for meds.  I hate the idea and it makes me feel weak, but feeling the way I have for the past few months is worse.

Who's calling?

I spoke to A for the first time in three months yesterday.  I was home with a nasty cold and was becoming very anxious as I assumed she had access to a phone but was not calling.  As the minutes turned into hours I could not shake her from my mind.  Every time my phone rang I jumped hoping it was her.  Finally, around 11:00, my phone rang again displaying a number that I knew belonged to her brother.  "Hello Dirk" she said in a raspy voice.  "A, it is so good to hear from you" I replied.  We talked briefly but she called back twice again and I spoke to her a few minutes each time.  My mood changed instantly.  I was upbeat and positive.  I will see her soon as she is home for twenty days then off to to the USMC School of Infantry for thirty days. 

Cut Down the Oaks

It's fucking cold out today.  We have about six inches of crusty snow on the ground.  Normally I would be thrilled as I could take my snowmobile out.  But these day, I just don't care.  I will probably have to sell it soon anyways.

I remember writing about mourning the loss of my depression because it seemed to diminish my creative energy.  I mourn no more.  I am feeling overwhelmed with hopelessness.  This morning I was actually comparing myself to Gollum.  I would be happy to be free of my Precious if I knew what it was.  Most don't know the depths of my melancholy.  When one causes his own hardship, I think it is more difficult to bear.  I constantly berate myself for my past decisions.  I think that for most, anxiety moves one to resolution of the issues that create the angst.  For whatever reason, I seem to be moved to avoidance allowing small problems to grow like saplings into towering oaks. 

I got gypped in the nerochemical dept

Yesterday I was thinking about the best way to check out.  It wasn't a conversation about if, but one of how.  Today I took two blue pills and I feel great.  Anxious, yes...  But motivated to fix the environmental issues that are driving me to a desperate outcome.  This sense of wellness will not last, but I shall bask in the neurochemicals effect even if it is fleeting.  Tomorrow I will take three if I have to.