Avoiding the collision

I am drawn to indie movies that portray the pain and joy of intimate relationships, especially tragic and or complicated ones.  Is it just voyeurism, or perhaps something more? When one feels empty inside, they search for something to make them feel better.  When I watch a good movie, I forget about my painfully ordinary life and immerse myself into the adrenaline-generating alternate world on the flickering screen.  My own life has become incredibly complicated resembling the oh-so-typical lead character that alternates between chasing fantasy and attempting to maintain a seemingly normal life.  In most cases, a life-changing event slaps the character back to reality in a painful and dramatic fashion.  Can I beat the odds?  Can I maneuver my way back to the slow lane before the collision?

Time in school

I am incredibly anxious today.  I am dealing with stress relative to the triangle, and the bills just keep piling up. I can almost feel an ulcer forming in my abdomen. Once I have been diagnosed with said ailment, my doctor will likely tell me I have to quit drinking coffee, which I don't want to do.  I suppose I should reduce my caffeine intake now and maybe that will help reduce my anxiety.

Ysterday I spent a good part of the day at B's college waiting to pick him up.  I was working from the coffee shop and it was really nice watching the students interact with each other and their professors. I feel very comfortable in the collegiate  atmosphere.

Spring thaw?

As the North Church bell peals out eight o'clock, I walk to the coffee shop wearing shorts and sandals.  It is a bit chilly this morning but only because temperatures have been in the eighties all week. Forecasters are saying that these warm temperatures are a once-in-a-lifetime experience.  I am glad I never bothered to get the sled squared away as the window for good trail riding was only open for about thirty days and that was only in the northernmost part of New England.

My mood has definitely improved lately.  Certainly spring has a major impact on my depression; but I think I am starting to come to terms with another issue that has been making me very anxious.  I am starting to understand and accept that desire, especially for things that really are not important (and in same cases possibly very harmful) underlies much of my suffering.  I study the Buddhist teachings and while I believe in the core philosophy, I do not embrace it as fully as I should.  Instead, I engage in risky behavior that offers sensorial pleasure but violates my core beliefs.  In  other words, I am weak and I need to become stronger. 

I fucked up

D and I had a good talk last night.  We are doing much better today.  I am still hurting from the incident, especially the threat to walk out, but I am confident time will heal the wounds.  I talked about the day in my men's group and they all agreed that I fucked up.  I guess I am so used to getting my way I forget that many woman have far less tolerance for their husband's bullshit than D does. I apologized to D and took responsibility for my thoughtlessness.  I guess we will have to see how things go the next time I am away from her.

I predicted it

I lost my shit last night.  I have not been that angry in a very long time. 

Yesterday I marched with the cadet group in a massive St Patrick's Day parade.  It was a long day and I was nervous about what kind of mood D would be in when I returned home.  In the days preceding the parade I tried to convince her to go with me, but in the end she chose to stay home.  I clearly expressed my concerns about how she would react to me going and how I worried she would be resentful.

"D, are you sure you want  me to go?  I don't want you to be upset with me.  I don't have to go."

"No, you should go, I will be fine"

At 4:00 I sent her a text that the parade had just ended and that my phone battery was dying.  She said she was fine.  At 7:00 I sent her a text that I was heading home and she started melting down.  I explained to her how we had to get from the parade end point back to the North End, we had dinner, then I had to wait for parents to pick up their kids.  But she wasn't listening.  The rest of the night got progressively worse and by 11:00 her bags were packed and I was trying to get her to understand that we may not recover from her walking out. 

"Do you think you will just come back and everything will be ok? If you walk out that door it means that you are throwing away thirty years of marriage.  Don't think that everything will work out if you put me through this.  I don't know if I could recover from that level of pain."

She doesn't trust me.  

She loves me?

"Sometimes, when I  am at work,  I miss you so much."  I was genuinely surprised when D said this to me a few days ago.  I am so broken that I cannot believe that anyone, even my wife, would truly love me.  Instead, I feel like there is a man out there that would be a better husband to D than I am, but she settles for me.

I am so tired...  I have wallowed in depression for so much of my life; it becomes harder and harder to bounce back.  I search for the magic solution to my woes, but in my heart,  I realize that success is a result of a lot of hard work and sacrifice, neither of which I am particularly fond of.  It is much easier  to simply say "I'm depressed, I can't do XXXX" then to make the changes that will improve my situation. 

Grow up Dirk.

"I don't want to talk right now."

"Ok"

Her reason for not wanting to talk probably had nothing to do with me.  But nevertheless, my great mood vanished and I was left wondering.  I logged myself off and went back to my workout.  I know the act of signing out was passive-aggressive, but I didn't care.  I was pissed and I wanted her to know it.  Perhaps I'm being childish.  What motivates me to act this way?  Perhaps I think her sour mood is about me.  It's my Damned insecurities. This type of behavior causes real problems in my life.

I logged back into the messaging system.  "I'm going back to bed" waited for me.  Her mood had nothing to do with me.  I need to grow up.

Fear

It's cold in the town square this morning.  The snow is still piled high, but during the day it has been  melting away revealing the black grime that paints the square grey.  The sky is cloudless, the sun shines bright.  The lanyards clang against the flag pole buffeted by the brisk north wind.

I sit, ensconced in the warmth of the cafe, looking out the front window, thinking about the dread that has preoccupied my mind in recent months.  Perhaps fear is the root cause of my anxiety.  Fear that I am not good enough.  That I did not try hard enough.  Fear that I should have made better decisions. 

I remember a time when I felt this fear before.  I was scuba diving with a friend when I realized I was out of air.  I made my way to the surface and began to swim towards shore.  As I calculated the distance, I began to realize that I would not make it.  My head began to sink lower with every stroke as I struggled for breath.  Suddenly, my friend seeing my predicament yelled, "Drop your weight belt".  I fumbled for the latch, my head sinking below the  water.  Releasing the  belt, I popped to the surface and gasped for air.  "I didn't want to lose your belt." I said as he swam over.

"Better to lose a belt then your life" he replied.

Lord,  please show me the latch...  I  am ready to let it go.

Too many holes, not enough time

I feel like the little dutch boy with more holes than fingers.  Complicate that with a lack of motivation and nothing gets done.  Saturday I spent a good portion of the day watching movies.  I could do it again today easily.  I know I sound like a whiny bitch, but this blog is one of my few opportunities to vent.

Last night A came over with her brother and oldest step-brother.  The house comes alive when we have kids over and I enjoy it  so much.  Once I break free from this depression I really have to think about other ways to mentor kids.  The cadet group continues to be stressful and I am not sure it is the best venue.  I really want to get involved with a foster home that keeps kids long term. 

Eff Me

My brother in-law was rushed to the hospital with severe anemia.  Apparently he is bleeding internally and the doctors cannot locate the source.  He could die... 

I'm a little jealous in a twisted sort of way.  Severe depression will do that to you.  I am ready for death... Just not self induced.  I fucking hate life right now.  I have moments where it is tolerable...  But fuck...  It should not be this hard.  It is a beautiful morning with snow covered trees and that soft silence that follows a good snow storm.  But I am not able to enjoy it.  I try not to think about my depression, but it just creeps in and takes over my thoughts.  Fucking A....