I spent 17 hours in Clickerville yesterday. I guess you could say that I am addicted to the remote. Watching the TV puts my mind into neutral and makes life bearable. But I am ashamed and guilt ridden that I would waste so much time; time that I could have spent in a much more productive fashion. D is giving me space but I can see she is growing wearing of my melancholy. She asked about going snowshoing today and I said that I had to work. I know she is disappointed in me and I feel badly that I ignore her when I become withdrawn.
Yesterday I officially resigned from the cadet group. I need to really examine why I found myself in conflict with four different youth organizations I have volunteered for. I am determined to make the relationship with the adolescent home work, but I think I will need some help. I will save that for another post.
Today I took a pill, 10mg of Adderall. I don't like the notion of "getting high" but I hate who I am becoming. The lesser evil I guess.
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