Blah Day

Today is cold, windy and a bit raw with a light freezing rain coating everything in a layer of ice. The weather is congruent with my mood which is a bit dark. I almost did not stop by the coffee shop this morning in attempt to control my waist line and spending. My decision always occurs at a traffic light at which I must turn right towards my client’s office or proceed straight to the town square where the coffee shop is located. It was a difficult decision today but I decided to indulge because I have not done so for 3 days. I passed up my usual egg sandwich and purchased a wholesome bran muffin from a local bakery. I also changed my usual drink to a "triple venti no-fat no whipped mocha".

This year’s holiday gatherings were relatively uneventful though I was less anxious than usual. All this "family-stuff" completely drains me though. I have a lot on my mind and I often grow uneasy when the conversation pauses.

I spent more time than usual purchasing gifts that would most surprise D and as a result she was quite delighted Christmas morning. Most of our purchases for the kids were utilitarian in nature and not particularly rewarding for the giver or giftee. Don't get me wrong, Christmas morning was thoroughly enjoyable with a few pleasant surprises. But it lacked that one "special" gift that one so enjoys giving.

Have a Cause

There is something mildly amusing about a group of people waving around signs protesting global warming while knee-deep in snow before winter has officially started. Don't get me wrong; I am not saying that global warming is not an issue. I am not an expert so I do not know.

There is a gentleman that comes into the coffee shop most days and occupies the best seat available. I believe he is waiting for the bus. But, he does not purchase anything. This should not bother me. It is not my problem. But it irritates me. I have more than enough problems to worry about. I have to let some things go.

An older gentleman shuffled into the coffee shop today pushing a wheeled-walker. He purchased a coffee and sat down in the chair next to me. He asked me “Do you live in the area?” “No” I replied “I live about 15 miles away”. We talked for a few minutes about the weather and how his senior citizens apartment building was becoming a haven for unwed mothers and drug dealers. He told me about his experience as a Marine in World War II. I am always amazed at the sacrifices my Grandfathers generation made so that I could sit in my coffee shop drinking Latte’s comfortable in the freedoms we all take for granted.

Slow But Steady

It is snowing again and apparently we can expect 3 to 5 inches of the white stuff. Sitting in the comfy chair at my favorite coffee shop, I am running later than usual as I had to drop D off at work. J is out driving around in the snow storm, apparently Christmas shopping. He really makes me anxious as he has this sense of invulnerability and constantly places himself in risky situations.

Last night we had a holiday party at drill which I enjoyed immensely. I have resolved most of my issues with the CO and my Adjutant and have resumed my responsibilities as XO. I have decided to stay with the program and will no longer threaten to leave unless something completely unacceptable occurs and I see no alternative to resigning.

A Little Progress

I woke up this morning with a moderate sense of enthusiasm. It was a cold morning with the sun hiding behind the overcast sky. B and I took the dog for a walk then I made him and J breakfast. My back is feeling much better and I am in a fairly good mood.

I actually feel some sense of relief in creating a list of all the things that are stressing me out. On my way home, I thought about that list, especially the "too much TV" item. Yesterday night I picked up a couple of Christmas gifts and did some plowing around my house before heading to Clickerville. Additionally, I spoke to my brother and now have his cell number. I also made some headway in resolving some of the issues relative to the youth group. I am pleased that I made a minor dent in my todo list. Not bad for a day that started with debilitating back pain.

This morning J asked me "Dad, did you bill the client for the job we did recently?" I replied "Yes I did.” I went on to ask him "Have you thought about putting some of that money towards what you owe us?" "No I have not" he answered. "How much do you want?" he asked. I replied "I want you to tell me what is fair." I think he should give us all the money as the debt is due to his use of the credit card he took from us. However, I don't want him to feel like he is working for nothing, so fifty percent is reasonable in my opinion.

Update

As if I don't have enough on my plate, today as I entered the office I threw my back out and ended up laying on the floor of my office in excruciating pain waiting of the spasms to subside. I have never experienced back pain like this before. I finally was able to get up and I am functioning now but the pain is still lingering. This is rather ironic for a person that lifts fairly heavy weights 3 to 5 times a week.

Hangin in There

Yesterday, I spent 14 hours wasting away in Clickerville. I am feeling overwhelmed with all the responsibilities and stress I am trying to manage. If I were talking with someone else experiencing similar issues I would tell them to suck it up and get on with it. However, I am not very good at taking my own advice. The catalyst for staying home was the lack of a vehicle as my truck was in for repair and there is no way I am driving the jeep 12 miles when the temperature is in the "teens". I could have worked from home but instead chose to waste the day watching countless movies. My therapist would likely say that I just needed a break. I say that I am lazy and selfish, neither of which I am proud of. I must do better...

Following is a list of items at the root of my anxiety that I need to address:

Rebuild relationship with oldest son J
Learn song to give D for Christmas
Check in on brother S
Gift pack for nephew in Iraq
Stop wasting time on TV
Put money on S's phone card
Resolve youth group issues or move on
Find $7,500 to pay lawyer
Read more
Write more
Play guitar more
Christmas shopping
Refinance house
Unpaid taxes
Finish stairs
Rebuild jeep top

The most effective thing that I can do is to reduce or eliminate time in front of the TV. I shall make this one of my highest priorities.

Working Weekends

Money continues to be tight so I will be working all weekend. I am fortunate to have the work so I will take advantage of it. I feel bad about not spending time with the family but one must take advantage of opportunity when it's available.

Yesterday I finished up a project which included installing a 1/2 mile wireless connection. Thursday I was up on a ladder in a snow storm mounting the wireless transceivers which was no fun and a little risky. Luckily when we powered everything up it worked perfectly.

This morning I am enjoying my comfy chair at my favorite coffee shop. However, my visit will be short lived as I have to get to work

New Coffee Shop

Today I have a service call some distance from where I generally work, so I am sitting in a quaint little, non-chain coffee shop on an active main street. The atmosphere is quieter then my usual purveyor with only the muted sound of a small TV reporting the day's news. There are eight or nine people, most appearing to be retired, seated in chairs drinking coffee; many eating muffins or bagels. The latte’s have a very strong coffee flavor and are served at a higher temperature than my regular establishment. Most people seem to know one another and they often exchange greetings and or an occasional barb or two. Some discuss the impending snow storm and the notorious inaccuracy of New England forecasters. I hope it is not extremely cold tonight as I still have no hardtop on the jeep I plow with.

Last night we had drill and I sat down with the CO in attempt to resolve our issues. Unfortunately the meeting did not go well and I think we are heading for divorce.

Now I may need to find another interest B and I can pursue together. He and I will both pick three options to consider. I will likely choose Tae Kwon Do, filmmaking and writing. I look forward to seeing B's choices. I am also considering starting a new unit without the CO but I would be surprised if I went in that direction.

Latte is Better Then Coffee

Yesterday, in effort to reduce waistline and expenses I sacrificed my morning coffee shop routine. Instead, I was relegated to ground coffee from a bag and a french press. The coffee was adequate but I missed my comfy chair in the morning sun.

In my last post I revealed my intention to resign from the youth group after I took the kids to last weekend's training. However, the CO has indicated his willingness to compromise on some issues and he sincerely expressed his desire for me to stay. After considerable thought and lengthy discussions with my son we have decided to stay with the unit for the time being.

The weekend was great and B performed well. During the training B committed one minor offense with some other cadets but when asked to take responsibility for his actions he was the only one out of three to raise his hand. I am very proud of my boy and I am lucky to be his Dad.

My brother called me Friday after disappearing for a week or so following his eviction by his roommates. I put him up in a motel and notified his friends of his whereabouts. Last night I should have gone to visit him but I was stuck in Clickerville. Today I feel badly about my selfishness and hope to do better.

J was working on an old snowmobile last night trying to get it started. I recognized the opportunity to spend some time with him helping to troubleshoot the old sled but chose to cling selfishly to my isolation instead. Is there someplace where one can purchase selflessness? I so want to break from my lazy routine but I often just don’t have the energy or desire. I expect more of myself and will redouble my efforts to put others ahead of myself. It is so easy to blame my complacency on my depression but I must live the life that will make me proud when I look back upon it. Every day that I ignore J I distance myself from him and increase the possibility that he will succumb to the influence of drugs or other risky behavior.

Hitting a Low

Today I am in a rather dark mood. It started Monday when I sent an email to the unit CO expressing my concerns about the manner in which he communicates with me. He never replied and during last night’s drill I discovered that he made some changes in the unit without discussing them with me. One of the changes included promoting two other cadets ahead of my son. If he had come to me and discussed this decision showing me the criteria used to measure the cadets, I could have accepted his decision. But between that and all his other bullshit, I have decided to resign. I discussed it with B and he is in agreement with my decision.

So today I am blue. Not even my morning coffee shop routine brings me much pleasure. I feel like my best friend has died. I feel betrayed by the CO and now feel the spite and vindictiveness that he’s unleashed upon other people. I will likely take the kids to training in RI this weekend but sadly, that will be my last time with the kids.

A Beautiful Day

Today I sit in the comfy chair in front of the large south-facing picture window sipping my latte. The sun shines brightly on my face and I feel cozy and comfortable. There is an eclectic mix of jazz and rock playing in the background. Customers file in at a steady pace and eggnog latte seems to be popular.

This morning as I was driving into town, I considered what I was going to write in my blog. I have always written my entries in an ad hoc fashion never selecting the subject(s) in advance. I was slightly taken aback at this realization and uncertain as to whether I should maintain the impromptu nature of my writing or spend some time considering various subjects for my postings. I believe there is value in writing "in the moment" but I don't think that some pre-writing deliberation would necessarily influence the end result in a negative way.

Doing the Right Thing

I have always been lacking in healthy positive emotions, but I strive to do what is right regardless of how it makes me feel. There are times when I take an action or make a decision that make me feel really good; but typical every day events such as Christmas related traditions do not generally excite me. I participate generally because it makes D feel good and I set a good example for J and B. Sunday, D, B and I put up the tree. J was MIA… Yesterday we told B And J that we would decorate the tree in the evening. Last night J, was nowhere to be found and B decided to go to a friend’s house. D and I were very upset at them for their casual disregard for a tradition we have always valued and observed. I wanted to give them another chance but D insisted we decorate the tree without them. I reluctantly complied and started to hang the decorations with even less enthusiasm than usual. Many of the trinkets carry with them a reminder of a past event or memory.

One particular adornment was an angel J made in pre-school created from a floury paste that became hard and somewhat brittle when dry. A day or so after J made the ornament, D called me in tears saying "I can't find J's angel". I thought to myself" J has an angel?" D brought me back to reality asking if I had seen it. I then realized that she was talking about the homemade angel J had created. “No” I replied. “I have not seen it”. Later that day D somehow realized that she had inadvertently placed the gold specked, white angel in the mailbox. The mailman, thinking it was a gift for him, took it. Later, D somehow realized her mistake and contacted the post office. When I arrived at home, she was standing in the door sobbing and clutching the remains of J's little angel. Its little arms were completely broken off and it was split in half right down the middle. I hugged her and confidently said “we can fix it” though I had my doubts. Using cardboard backing, glue and a lot of patience, I painstakingly reconstructed the little angel back to a semblance of its former self. Last night, we hung it on the tree for the 14th year; D and I, alone with only the brightly lit tree and the dog snoozing contentedly at our feet.

Snow is Better Then Rain

We received our first significant snowfall last night. I woke up to 6" of the white stuff. Last night I put the plow on the jeep so I simply drove it out of the garage with the blade down to start my plow route which consists of a few houses on the street. I have not completed the repairs on the hardtop so I had only the bikini top to shelter me from the snow that quickly turned to a light rain. Luckily it was warming into the low thirties so I needed only my winter coveralls to stay warm.

I now face one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I have reached a point with the CO where I get very upset with him over very minor issues. I think that the anger and resentment I feel towards him has grown to a point where I have become very bitter. I don't want to leave the unit as I love working with the kids. However, I must find a way to resolve my issues with the CO or move on. I am unsure as to how I should proceed and for now I have pulled back from the unit while I consider my options. I have started to assemble a list of pros and cons designed to help aid my decision process.