Life in the Coffee Shopo

Today I am without my smart-phone so I am relegated to writing my blog update in my little pocket notepad. My propensity for efficiency rebels against such an ancient form of communications but I will make the sacrifice in effort to maintain my morning routine.

What brings me to this little shop on so many mornings? I am certainly drawn to the aromatic smell, coffee-mocha taste and caffeine induced buzz I so enjoy whilst savoring my favorite morning beverage. But I could make said beverage at home for considerably less money and I would not “waste” 45 minutes of my time, all of which is otherwise billable. I have become accustomed to updating my blog during this time but certainly I could do that at other times on a full-sized keyboard. I think there must be something else that brings me here… Perhaps it is a subconscious desire to be with other people even if it is generally non-interactive. I have come to recognize some of the people that also spend time here in the early mornings. We could order our lattes to go, consume them on the way to work, then update our blogs while at work. In all likelihood, the lure of the coffee shop has more to do with our desire to assimilate into society and associate with our fellow man.

I often see a young couple appearing to be in their early twenties associating with the group of drifter-types in the town square. She always has a zombie-like look on her face and I have never seen any trace of emotion. I have often wondered if she is perhaps severely depressed or possibly on some type of drugs. Today they were sitting in the coffee shop and she actually smiled. It was a bit of a surprise to me and I was taken aback by my sudden change in perception of her based solely on the smile. I am disturbed that my dehumanization of her would have gone unnoticed but for a simple smile. I need to look past my shallow impressions of people and look for the person within.

Tough Night

Yesterday the CO sent me an email in which he once again shot down some of my ideas in a disrespectful manner. He then proceeded to trivialize my concerns. I also learned that another adult that I share some of my frustrations with has been forwarding my comments to the CO. Resultantly, I spent the evening in Clickerville frustrated, angry and feeling betrayed. I am not feeling much better today. I need to strongly consider if my involvement in the unit is worth the anxiety. I thoroughly enjoy all other aspects of the program and B is really starting to enjoy it.

Yesterday I was driving along and noticed a bag with what appeared to be a wire hanging out of it. Intrigued, I quickly pulled over to investigate. As I approached the black bag I saw that it was filled with electronics among other things. I quickly picked it up and returned to my truck. Once inside, I peered into the bag and discovered a GPS navigation system, Sony PSP, Blackbery and a wallet. It was a triangular back with a single shoulder strap and a zipper on top. I started the truck and pulled out continuing on to the health club. Passing a police officer parked on the side of the road, I considered giving it to him but decided to return it to the owner myself. Later when I arrived back at the office, I found an entry in the Blackberry address book titled "Dad". I dialed the number and reached a gentleman with a thick South American accent. After a couple of tries he finally realized that I had found his son's gadget bag.

Last night I met the bags owner in a McDonald’s parking lot. He appeared to be Hispanic with a short stout build. His Patriot's hat shadowed a face marked with multiple piercings and I could see the edge of a tattoo on his neck. He had a relieved look on his face glancing at the bag that hung on my shoulder. We discussed how the bag slid off the hood of his truck unnoticed until my sharp eyes detected the incongruous object lying by the side of the road. As I handed the bag to him he looked embarrassed and mumbled something about having no money to pay me. I reached out to shake his hand and looking him in the eye said "You owe me nothing". "You owe the next person that needs help". "It's called paying it forward". With that I got back in my truck, patted my dog and proceeded back to Clickerville.

Frustrated

This morning I was greeted by a cool, crisp early-winter day. B and I took the dog for a walk and talked for a while. He always amazes me with his evolving maturity. B is incredibly smart and his self confidence increases daily. I am lucky to be his Dad. J on the other hand, continues in his usual ways. Last night D asked him to take the dog out and he got all pissy. I still have not dealt with his theft of our credit card and am not even sure what I will do.

Today I found out that our 1st SGT and the CO have created new squads and my son B is not a squad leader. I don't have a problem with this supposed decision as long as I can see the criteria underlying it. As the XO of the unit I should not have heard about this from my son. I am torn as to how I should respond to this issue. I fully expect that if I talk to the CO about it he will say that no decision was made. Maybe I should just let it go...

Sitting in front of my computer keyboard in my home office, are unopened anniversary and Christmas cards from D for the past two years. I felt uncomfortable opening them during my depressive state. They remain unopened as I feel that I must first creatively express my love for D in order to do them justice. I have been trying to write a song but I have been struggling with the words and feelings. I shall redouble my creative efforts in hopes of completing a sonnet by Christmas.

Home Again

Last night B and I returned from the training event in RI. The weekend went very well and three of my kids were appointed as leaders. They all performed superbly and our unit is developing a reputation for producing well trained cadets. B was chosen as a squad leader and appeared to be comfortable with the responsibility. I am becoming more comfortable associating with the other adults and often contribute to the various meetings and gatherings.

Today is dark, rainy and cold, a stark contrast to our recent weather. This morning I am enjoying my favorite coffee shop after a short hiatus. Today's latte was not up to normal standards but is much better then the tin can variety I poured from the large coffee urn yesterday morning. Saturday I was lucky enough to sneak out in the morning for a latte at a local Paneras. Unfortunately there are no Starbucks stores local to the training facilities.

Friday I gave money to one of S's friends so he could bail S out. That night, S called D drunk saying that he was going to kill our father. Did I make a mistake bailing him out? He did leave an apparently sober VM for me yesterday thanking me for securing his release. I now must try to reestablish a relationship with him. This is not something I look forward to even though I know it is the right thing to do.

Shopping is Entertainment

Today I am enduring what is starting to become an annual tradition. At 5:30 this morning, D woke me up to join the hordes of frenzied consumers in the manifestation of Black Friday. I am a reluctant cohort on this particular adventure but my participation makes D happy. Our first stop was a large electronics store. The line was easily an eighth of a mile long. I looked at D with pleading eyes and a look of dismay on my face. She smiled and said "there is nothing in their that we need that badly". We then went to the mall and purchased large quantities of clothing and other gifts.

I am amazed at how twisted modern life has become. So much of our energy is spent spending and accumulating. I am just as guilty as the average Joe, but would like to change my habits. I need to spend more of my time in areas that better me and my fellow man. My contribution to the cadet group is important and rewarding but I feel like I can help other causes as well.
I am finally getting a care pack together for my nephew in Iraq. I am feeling increasingly guilty living my lavish lifestyle knowing how miserable his conditions must be.

Today we discovered that J has been stealing our credit card to purchase fuel and maybe some electronics. I really think there is something wrong with his brain. He consistently uses poor judgement with little to no regard for the consequences. However, I don't know where to turn for help. Perhaps I should attempt to find a neurologist knowledgeable in this area. It is offenses like this that causes me to resent J and inhibits my desire to become closer with him.

I discovered Tuesday that S's bail has been reduced from $15,000 to $500. I plan to bail him out but I am wrestling with the decision to do it today or Monday. I think it is good for him to spend a little time in jail but I know it must bring back horrific memories from when he was sent to jail at the tender age of 17 for a crime he may not have committed. I write this while I sit in a comfy chair at the chain coffee shop I enjoy. I guess I should try to get him out today.

More Routine

Last night I had some light cold symptoms such as a scratchy throat and cough so I took some Nyquil and slept soundly. This morning I woke up feeling rested and refreshed. However, I felt some reluctance to start my day but quickly realized that I had no excuse to do so. I was not depressed, did not feel physically ill and was well rested. Any desire to remain in bed would likely be due to laziness; nothing more. I swung my legs onto the floor and shuffled into B's room to wake him up.

Upon entering his room I noticed his guitar sitting on a chair, not in its case. The previous night I had asked him to put the instrument away as he had left it in the living room. Seeing it now, lying there as if casually discarded among the dirty clothes and game center electronics, caused me to pause for a moment cosidering my choice of responses. I hated to start his day with a dose of criticism but I also want him to learn responsibility. I reached out to him gently shaking his shoulder saying "B, B... It is time to get up." He uncoiled his lanky body stretching it out the full length of the mattress while loudly yawning. As he stood up in front of me for our morning hug I realized that he was contiuing to grow past my 6' 2" frame. I held him close to me and we exchanged muted "good mornings". I wondered to myself "how many parents enjoy this type of bond with their 15 year old child"? The discussion about the guitar would wait for another time.

Weekend with D

This past weekend D and I went to PA for youth group training. The sessions went well and we both learned a lot. Also, for the first time, we did not have to tend to any crises at home during our trip. We concluded training Saturday night so yesterday, we visited Amish Country and really enjoyed ourselves. It was very interesting to learn how the contemporary Amish and early settlers lived and provided for themselves. It causes me to long for a simpler life.

Today I had hoped to stay home and rest as I am stilling feeling a little run down. However, I have been called out for a service call and have stopped at the coffee shop on the way. It feels like a typical early winter day with temps in the low 30's and a dusting of snow on the ground. I am bundled up in my leather coat and gloves. The sun is shining bright and there is a light breeze stirring the flags in the square. I am amazed that the merchants have already started touting their Christmas offerings. I am not a religious person, but I think Jesus would have gone through Wal-Mart and even Starbucks overturning the "money changer" tables with a vengeance. In previous seasons, D and I used to run up some serious debt back when we used credit cards. However, now that we pay cash for everything we emerge into the new year free of that liability.

B spent the weekend with my sister in-law's family and apparently witnessed non-stop turmoil including shouting and arguing for most of the weekend. His cousin is 16 and his parents seem to have problems setting boundaries and enforcing consequences. They deal with the resulting conflicts through anger and verbal altercations. I think it is good for B to witness this type of interaction as it may help him to appreciate his stable and predictable home life.

Tired

This morning I feel a little off. It is a cold rainy day and I have not been sleeping well. Tonight, D and I head down to PA for training sponsored by the cadet organization. D is not very involved in the group, but she is on the books and it gives us a chance to spend some time together at a nice hotel. We have Sunday to ourselves.

Lately I have been gaining weight due to a lack of exercise and too many lattes. I feel very uncomfortable when my pants start getting snug. It doesn't help when I eat a dozen cookies and a chocolate bar just before bed. I won't give up my lattes so I will have to adjust my diet and exercise more.

I have been following another blog called "Pipe Tobacco". The author appears to experience emotional issues similar to mine such as depression and melancholy. His writing often includes references to the recent passing of his mother and how much he misses her. I am saddened by his loss. It also causes me to think of my own mother and our dysfunctional family. My mother passed a few years ago but I felt little emotion when I laid her to rest. I now wonder how a son can be so disconnected from their parent. My therapists have speculated that I did not bond with my mother. She too suffered from depression and was very abusive to me and my siblings. I shall continue to write about this issue in hopes that I can learn more about my mom.

Routine

I am a nonconformist by nature and as such, have always avoided incorporating too much routine into my day. Lately though, I have come to enjoy routine. I believe that most routine can be categorized as good, neutral or bad. My habit of stopping at the coffee shop most mornings seems like a healthy thing to do. It puts me into a good frame of mind for work and is conducive to updating my blog, not to mention the pleasant buzz from the caffeine. Yesterday I had to travel some distance to visit a vendor and drank my coffee on the way. I immediately felt the change in my routine with some mild discomfort. This morning I am back in the comfy chair, basking in the morning sun, enjoying my morning routine. Visiting Clickerville is more of a bad to neutral habit. Watching old reruns of Law & Order or CSI is just a poor substitute for living life. However, in my opinion, shows such as Conquering Everest or The Sopranos deliver high quality entertainment and or useful information.

Last night I enjoyed supper with the family (a rare event these days) following a run with B. I then retired to Clickerville to cath up with my friend Tivo. Clickerville is becoming less and less appealing so I actually find more enjoyment there knowing that I am not just hiding from life, but purposely seeking entertainment.

I would like to improve my writing given that I have the equivalent of a third grade education. The notion of a college course is not particularly appealing but I am hoping I can find something like a writers group or workshop.

Lost Blog

Rats... I somehow lost the latest blog entry I created this morning. I often sit in the coffee shop and type it out on my little smart phone keyboard. However, I think it is worth recreating although I hate doing so.

This past weekend was great! We took the cadets out to a confidence course for an overnight trip and graduated our newest class. Everything went really well except CO was really hard on my son B, as he was in charge of training for this class. At one point B was completely melting down with tears and frustration. I did my best to comfort him and advised him to talk to the CO privately about his concerns. Later, the CO expressed to me his concern about my consoling him and I basically told him to fuck off. I went on to tell him that my son was more important then any bullshit protocol and that if he didn't like it we would both quit. CO is a very good friend of mine but I felt it was important to be clear in my intentions. He left Sunday morning for a previous engagement and took with him most of the anxiety and tension circulating in the unit. I ran the kids through the confidence course with the instructor and a great time was had by all.

I have been very lucky in that I have enjoyed a multi-week period of time wherein I have been spared the pain of any significant depression. This causes me to think about my responsibilities more often as I am freed from the excuses resulting from my low emotional state. Today a middle-aged woman that appeared to be homeless or possibly in transition, sat down in the comfy chair next to me at the coffee ship. I felt compelled to engage her in a conversation but held my tongue. If she had been a younger, attractive woman I would have already been talking to her. I am a pathetic excuse for a modern day man. Shallow and judgemental, I should be sent back to prehistoric times when men picked their woman based on physical attributes and child bearing ability. I finally screwed up the courage to blurt out "Cold out there today". It started a short but interesting conversation that I shall not soon forget. Maybe I am starting to move into the modern era.

The word for today is "discern". I shall endeavor to use it in my blog within the next week.

A Short Day

Yesterday I went home at 12:00 due to a splitting headache. I then proceeded to Clickerville and did not leave until 10:00 even though I was feeling better after resting for a couple of hours. I watched "Kiss the Girls", "American Beauty" and “Four Weddings and a Funeral". "American Beauty" is my all time favorite movie and I always enjoy it. In many ways I feel that my life resembles that of Kevin Spacey's character except for the getting killed scene, although there was a time when I would have looked forward to a similar fate.

I have been feeling really good emotionally as of late. This is one of the longest periods I have been free of any significant depression. I actually look forward to getting up in the morning! With this newfound comfort I am feeling a bit guilty for neglecting my extended family. I need to start reaching out to them again and see what I can do to help them. I have had a to-do item of sending a care pack to m nephew in Iraq for some time now. It is time I moved that item to my done list.

Today, B finally agreed to explore attending Phillips Exeter Academy. This is a huge breakthrough and I am cautiously optimistic that he will be accepted and that we will work out the financial details.

Yesterday was a stressful day. My brother's girlfriend called to remind me that she was dying and probably won't make it till Christmas. She went on to chastise me for not being a better brother. She was concerned that when she passes, S will have no one left to help him. I have reached out to him many times but he always cuts communications with me to the point where I just stop trying. I will once again reach out to him and try to offer my friendship. I had a wake at 2:00 then a banquet at 6:00. One of my clients was experiencing significant phone problems and my son J was melting down at school to the point he had to go home. My wife was sick and nobody walked the dog. (Deep sigh)

I just received a call from the CO of the youth group and he is still of the opinion that that only the recruits should run the Obstacle course. I believe that we are denying the other kids a really fun opportunity and the CO is hung up on BS reasons for his decision. I told him that I strongly disagree and that I was deeply troubled by his decision. I need to think this one through and come up with a propasal that will satisfy everyone.

Today I am in a great mood. I can honestly say that I am enjoying life. Last night I went to a sports banquet with B and had a lot of fun hanging out with the kids. This morning B and I took A for a walk and went out for breakfast.

I need to spend more time with D and J. I do a lot with B but little with D and J.

An Hour

Last night I got up out of the chair and purposefully left Clickerville for an hour. I went downstairs to my office and read a book. This is a momentous occasion for me and I am hoping I will be spending less and less time in Clickerville.

This morning B and I took the dog for a walk in the rain. It reminded me of years past when I was tougher and less concerned about in climate weather. We talked about school, his desire to purchase the new Guitar Hero game and his emotional state. He has mentioned that he might be feeling depressed which did not surprise me but nevertheless caused great concern. We have been discussing depression for a long time due to my illness but I was hoping he might be spared from some of the hardship I have endured.

Comfy Chairs

It was not so bad being stuck inside at the coffee shop this morning as I was lucky enough to score a comfy chair right by the front window. I wrote this blog entry pecking away on my phone's keyboard while cradled in the overstuffed delight.

A beautiful young woman just walked into the establishment and paused ever so slightly int front of me smiling in my direction. Tall and impeccably dressed, she carried a designer bag and wore stiletto heeled leather boots. She got her coffee and sat down directly across from me but behind a sign offering "handpicked" music from iTunes. Her curly brown hair featured blond highlights and was pulled back loosely. Her smile came easily and she carried herself with confidence. She would occasionally peer around the obstruction looking in my direction. Suddenly, a gentlemen walked through the door and she quickly stood up and appeared to introduce herself to him but it quickly became apparent that she was waiting for someone and it was not him. "So that was the reason for her interest in me" I thought to myself. Oh well... I still enjoyed the attention even if it was only for a moment.

I had another highly productive weekend. Saturday I managed physical fitness testing and fund raising for the cadets. B's race was cancelled so I was able to spend the full day with them. Sunday I finally sat down with D and we put all the bills into a spreadsheet and began building out a budget. Sunday night we went over to a friends house to watch the Patriots game.

I follow another blog written by a gentlemen that struggles with depression and schizophrenia. He has suffered and endured extreme hardship as a result of his illness and it causes me to consider how inconsequential my emotional challenges are. I can say this easily now because I am not experiencing a severe depression. I have been lucky to enjoy a pretty good mood for the past couple of weeks. I still spend more time then I should in Clickerville but I am at the point where I would like to be doing something else. I actually picked up my guitar for a few minutes yesterday. Hopefully, I will avoid a painful depression for the foreseeable future.

Cold out...

Today's cold weather (30's) caused me to partake of my morning coffee indoors. However, I drove the jeep this morning even though I have not yet installed the hardtop. It was a "brisk" ride and my ears were quite cold. When I walked into the coffee shop this morning, the barista surprised me by asking "triple venti no whipped mocha?" Quite a memory on that young woman.

I continue to enjoy relief from my depression. I have to wonder how much this newfound normalcy is due to the sense that I am making headway in my financial woes or the meds. Probably it is a little of each. I have a long way to go in reaching a manageable financial situation but through dedicated effort the money has been rolling in steadily.

Tomorrow I have a tough choice to make. B has a X-country race and the cadet group has two events scheduled. However, as I sit here, I realize the decision is easy, though not so pleasant. I always say "family first" so I will go to B's race. My staff will be a little annoyed at my absence but I must stay true to my values.