Vacation Time

I am sitting here at my desk, outside the hot and noisy server room, waiting for Symantec Tech Support to answer my call. I have been on hold for two hours but can't leave for vacation until I resolve this issue.

Been loading up on the caffeine lately which has definately had a positive impact on my mood. It also increases my heart arrhythmia though. Dying from a heart attack does not scare me. However, I would not like to suffer a stroke. I can't imagine living the debilitive life of the typical stroke victim.

What the hell..... I gotta go here. Answer the fucking phone! Driving 2 hours with no AC will SUCK!

Why do I feel good?

Today I feel fantastic! It is not a manic type of fantastic. Just a general sense of peace. I really wish I knew why I feel good. Young Marines went really well last night. It always seems to be calmer when the CO is not there. My session with the shrink went well. I asked him about the possibility that my nucleus accumbuns was damaged and he looked at me like I had two heads. I then asked about the effect that stimulants have on my electrochemical flow and he had no clue. I thought these guys were supposed to know this stuff.

Went for a 4 mile run with B this morning. He is progressing nicely. Hung out in the pool for a while enjoying each others company. I wish I had this kind of relationship with J. I need to work on that.

Vacation next week.... Yeeha! Looking forward to getting up on the wake board.

When I was a child...

I was 9 when my parents dropped me off at the youth center located atop a rugged hill in a small New Hampshire town. The center featured 3 dormitories or "cottages" as they called them, a barn complete with cows and tractors, a gym, school and cafeteria. It was a quiet setting with a small frog-pond and big open fields. You could hear the muffled sound of cars and trucks on the distant highway. A large steel swingset framed the the White Mountains, which stood tall and and proud in the background with their snow-capped peaks. The staff advised my Dad to just leave without saying good bye. "It will make things easier" the counselor said.

It was that day that I learned the manner in which the youth center disciplined their children. I recall that I was justifiably upset that my parents left without me. They had told me that we were just going to visit a school. I never imagined that they would abandon me in this strange place without even saying good bye. Apparently I threw quite a tantrum when I found out they were gone; so violent that they locked me into one of their time-out rooms. A cold, dark, isolated cell with a thick steel door. I could hear little of the activity outside of the dank dungion-like room with a cold tile floor. Screaming and crying as loud as I could, I pounded my young fists on the painted concrete blocks. When I kicked the door repeatedly, I was warned by a counselor that every kick would add more time to my confinement. Finally, tears streaming down my face, I slumped down onto the floor, broken, alone and wondering why I was here. A few hours later, when they opened the door, I blinked, rubbing my eyes as they adjusting to the light. Many of the other kids were gathered around anxious to see the new kid. Most of them had criminal records and arrived from the housing projects of Boston and its suburbs such Roxbury, Lowell and Mattapan. Their ages ranged from 8 to 18. I would learn later that the older kids abused the younger ones verbally and physically. Even some of the counselors had peculiar habits such as voyeurism but I was never personally touched by any of them. Tracy, a slight, anxious looking boy with short brown hair, resplendent in his superman cape and mask announced that I would be sharing his room. He then swooped off in a mock flight pattern apparently looking for his arch-nemesis, Lex Luthor. Gradually, the kids all drifted away and I tentatively emerged into the hallway looking around at my new surroundings. I was in Colcord Cottage. I was lucky as the cottage next door had tougher kids with longer criminal records. I was to spend the next two and a half years here. It would turn out to be the best years of my youth but at that moment I felt nothing but hopelessness and despair.

Life Sucks Then You Die...

Met with Lawyers yesterday for J's defense. This completely sucks. We have a long difficult road ahead of us. Now I have to figure out where I am going to find $25,000! So much for sending my kids to college. It is amazing how much shit life can throw at you at once.

I expect I am going to be back on meds pretty quick here. I can feel what little joy I have slipping away like a receeding tide. I have to stay disciplined, get to the gym, find ways to get the electrochemical processes clicking and generating the oh-so-feel good seratonin, dopamein etc...

I am enjoying reading a new blog. A young woman from the east coast writing about her struggles, challenges, hopes and dreams. I feel a bit like a voyeur but we have exchanged a few comments and she seems particulary bright and enlightened for her age. I can't help but wonder if there really is a soul mate out there for me but then my ever-present logic kicks in and reminds me that there is no God and with no God there is no Fate. We are products of our environment and one day we will go back to the dirt from whence we came. That thought then stimulates other thoughts regarding the purpose of life. Are we really destined for the same old routine till the day we "retire"? Seems like such a waste.

In search of dopamine

Today just flat out sucks... I have not motivation and I am really having to push myself just to go to the club and work out.

I found this blog from a 21 year old woman from the northeast that has my interest. Curious how I seek these woman out. What would happen if she was a 45 year old unattractive woman? Would I suddenly have no interest in learning more about her and reading her blog. Fucking society!!! We, as men, have been conditioned from the beginning of time to seek out the healthiest, most attractive woman of child bearing age. Then we have advertising companies touting young attractive woman as being the most desirable. How does a middle-aged man not feel the desire to succomb to all this influence. And, when he does, it is a bad thing. I guess I am shallow but I really don't want to be. I need to fix this problem. It makes me feel bad about myself. I think some of my answers lie in Jungs teachings. I need to spend more time with them.

Dark Day...

Had a house full of family yesterday. Started the day in a great mood even with some shit from J. Then D turned into a bitch and that caused me to shut down. I made it through the day but didn't enjoy it much. Today I feel like shit emotionally. Hopefully coffee will kick start a better mood.

Brother may go to jail for some robbery or something. I am starting to feel like white trash with all the shit happening around me. I am handling it ok now but am not optimistic.

I lay there, the early morning sun filling the room. Time slowly ticks by as I languish in my anguish trying to muster the energy to begin my day. What if I just did not get up?

Raising Teens

Whew... Yesterday we found out that the State was prosecuting J for his accident. He is completely freaked out and I am also very stressed. This will be a long ugly process and it will be tough for me to keep my mood up. Last night J melted down and stormed out as usual. I have to get better at containing my emotions as well

Caffeine

When I am in a reasonable mood I get a nice buzz from my morning joe. I enjoy doing just about anything and I am much more sociable.

Getting up is still difficult. I think I have just created this mental pattern where I would prefer to lay in bed even though I am done sleeping. I need to plan my morning out so I can make better use of the time.

Been feeling pretty horny lately. I wish D took better care of herself. I love her dearly but her body does not excite me on most days. I find myself looking at Craigs List postings but I know I would never to anything.

So why do I have have a problem with a NSA relationship. I say I don't believe in God but yet I hesitate.

Another good day...

Went for a run and a swim with B this morning. Enjoyed talking with him. I have been in a pretty good mood lately. Steady dose of caffeine but not an excessive amount. I hope I can maintain this mood through vacation.

Jeff went and got his girlfriend pregnant. She said she forgot to take the pill. Tell me that doesn't raise some flags. She know wants him to marrry her then move to the middle of Maine which means quitting his job and finding a new one. Seems like a lot for a 24 year old to absorb. I hope he makes out ok.

Finally spoke with this attractive girl that works out at the club. She was getting a salad next door and we talked for a moment. She seems nice. I know that there is no opportunity for a relationship, being happily married and all that, but I still enjoy talking with attractive woman. Does that make me a shallow person? I recognize that I am a product of my environment but I wonder if I should consider my bias towards attractive woman. Although, I do like earthy, crunchy girls as well as alternative ladies with their piercings and tattoos. Maybe I just don't migrate towards woman that are not physically fit. Hmmm.... Something to think about. It was kinda funny though... she forgot her credit card and was obviously embarassed at the register. I almost paid for her lunch but didn't want to offend.

Summer is Cool...

I finally went to see a new shrink. He is a therapist that can also prescribe meds. We agreed to hold off on the meds for a bit. I feel pretty good lately. There is something to be said for trying to get better. He is of the Freudian persuasion which is new to me. I am more familiar with Yungian approaches. I like his style and look forward to our next meeting.

Went camping with B this weekend. I really enjoyed myself as did he. The boat ran well and the weather was good. It would be nice to spend more time with the whole family. I need to think this one through for next year.

I started to clean up the garage. This has always been therapeutic for me. I made some progress before crashing in front of the TV. I am ok with that.

Caffeine is working well for me right now. I feel slight arrhythmia but I think I don't think it is a major problem.