Take a pill?

It's a cold, gray day in the town square today.  I'm sitting inside in a seat by the window.  I look out at the people passing by on the cobblestone sidewalk and wonder if any of them are particularly happy this morning. If they are, why?  I guess we should rule out the ones that are on medication, smoked crack or just screwed the person they are having an affair with. I'm talking about people that are naturally happy.

I have a bottle full of amphetamines that I have been looking at longingly.  The medication is a couple years old, but I suspect it would still give me a pretty good buzz.  I won't take it though.  I already have one addictive problem, I don't need another. 

Yesterday D and I took A (our dog) for a walk at a large conservation area located next to the bay.  Featuring large wooded areas and rolling fields, it offers great views and hiking trails along the rocky coast.  I was pretty quiet but when we sat to take in the views, I talked about my depression.  I feel conflicted talking to D about my melancholy mood as I don't want to make her sad or anxious.  But, I need to talk to someone.  She listened patiently and I felt better as I described my persistent sadness.

Earlier in the day, we had both received an email from A's mother (our young protege) indicating that she met with A's recruiter and felt that she had to support A's desire to join the Marines as A would be 18 in June and there was little doubt she would sign up.  I replied that I was in agreement and that we should continue helping A to explore the underlying motivation that was driving her towards this incredibly bad decision.  Both D and I were feeling the reality of A's approaching enlistment date in June but neither of us wanted to talk about it.  We both feel the pain of opening our hearts only to be subjected to the impending pain of loss, the degree of which could be extreme.

Suffer on

I don't like myself these days... 

Lately I have been wondering if I am subconsciously trying to sabotage my life.  I have no appreciation for my good fortune and I often think about living a simpler life devoid of responsibility.  What better way to realize this stupid fantasy than to lose my job and my family.  What does it take for one to develop an appreciation for what they have and to stop chasing that which fails to satisfy?  How does one conjure up the motivation to act more responsibly?  I don't accept mediocrity in others, why do I accept it in myself? 

Yesterday a local young man lost his life in a horrible accident.  I was a bit jealous.  I won't pull the trigger, but I wouldn't duck from the bullet.  Until I develop an appreciation for my life, I will continue to suffer. 

So weak

Recently I read a great quote - "Depression is living in the past, anxiety is living in the future, serenity is living in the present".  I feel the negative effects of not living in the present almost every moment of every day.  My unhappiness is further exacerbated knowing that I will make poor decisions in the future that will result in a past that I am less than proud of.  I feel weak, undisciplined and apathetic, unable to put in the effort that will result in a past that I can feel good about.  I recently described my decision-making as analogous to getting on a train destined for a wreck.  Unable to stop myself, I purchase the ticket, step aboard and foolishly believe that somehow I will avoid the wreck.  I need to avoid the train station...

Love Noco

Sunday I went up to North with J.  We started with coffee in our favorite northern NH town, did a little shopping and sight-seeing, then went for a moderate hike.  We enjoyed a free lunch (courtesy of one of his friends) and I had my first fish taco with was fabulous.  The conversation flowed easily and we both enjoyed our day.  It was nice to spend some time with him.

I continue to act irresponsibly on a couple of different fronts and I am really beating myself up.  I just can't find the  motivation to work more and manage my finances properly and I am fiscally irresponsible which makes my financial situation even worse.  I am not living my life in a manner that reflects my core belief system which makes me feel weak.  I am going to take steps to change this.