Put a smile on

I wonder how many people wake up in a good mood?  I feel so miserable these days.  It is an incredible effort to keep myself moving forward.  I try not to think about how I feel, but I can feel the darkness throughout the day.  At this point I don't even enjoy talking to A.  I am doing what I have to do though.  Hopefully this malaise will pass soon.

Spring Break Alternative

Dear B,

Once again you are embarking on a mission to help others less fortunate than you.  You have so many options available, yet you choose the one that requires hard work, sacrifice and selflessness.  Who would have known that the little boy that spent so much time in front of video games, would grow into such a kind, caring young man that places the needs of others ahead of his own.  You make me proud son.  

You have overcome tremendous odds in your life to become the person you are today.  Your work ethic, honesty and integrity illuminate your soul for all to see.  When I get tired, or lack motivation to work, I think of who you will become one day and my energy is renewed.  I picture you sitting in the front row of class, listening to the professor as he/she fills your mind with knowledge that you will one day use for the benefit of others.

I know that you have been considering your career options and as I think about your challenge of choosing a future profession, I am reminded of a parable that I often think about:

In Matthew 25:14-30, Jesus told a story about a master who had three servants. He was going on a trip, so he called the servants to him. He gave each of them some money. To one servant, he gave five bags of gold, to another he gave two bags of gold, and to another he gave one bag of gold. He wanted his servants to make good use of his money. He wanted them to multiply what they had into even more. After a long time, the master returned home. He called his servants to him to see what they had done with the money. The first servant whom had been given five bags of gold had doubled it—he now had ten bags of gold! The master was so pleased. He said, “Well done, good and faithful servant!” The man who had started with two bags of gold now had four! He also received praise from his master. But the man who had been given one bag of gold had hidden his money. He told his master that he was afraid of what might happen, so he dug a hole and buried the money in the ground! The master was not at all pleased with this servant. He told the servant that he had been unwise and lazy.

Today I challenge you to dedicate some time to think about what you will do with your gold.  Take a few moments this week to think about how you might use the talents God has given you.  Do not let your fears dictate your future.  Instead, envision who you want to be, then prepare to work through the challenges that lie between you and the realization of your greatest dreams.  Look into the eyes of the people you are serving and think about how you can help improve their lives.  The inspiration you seek is all around you.  Look and you will find it.

I love you B.  Have a great week!

Dad

Getting what you asked for

Dear Lord, please help me find opportunities to work so I can pay my bills.

Dear Lord, thanks for the additional clients.

Dear Lord, can I just have the money please?

I have gotten soft over the years working 30 - 40 hours a week.  Now that I am working over 60 hours a week, I realize how easy I had it.  I don't mind giving up the personal time; it is the toll it takes on my relationship with Di that hurts.  She is supportive, but clearly dislikes not having me around.

I need big money...  I have to dream bigger...

Dirk

You can't always get what you want.

Monday nights, I leave my men's group feeling grateful for my life in comparison to the challenges my fellow group members face.  But within moments, I am back to feeling almost ambivalent about my life.  Right this moment I just feel numb.  It's not that I don't notice the sunrise... There is no sunrise; not for me.  I am confident this feeling of malaise will pass, but I am growing increasingly concerned that much of it stems from my desire for that which I cannot have.  I remember writing at one point about how I almost missed depression because  of the strong emotions it spurned.  Now I am constantly wrestling with very powerful emotions and I am mentally drained.  I think I need a break.  I  just feel so much pressure that I often visualize myself literally exploding.  "Guts and entrails everywhere" I recently commented.

Questional motivation yields positive results

It is amazing the impact that A has had on D and me.  Historically, when D was mad, whether at me or otherwise, I got mad back at her, usually raising the intensity and often storming away from her.  In my desire to maintain the peace and keep A in our life, I have improved my listening skills, become more empathetic and learned to get D to talk about why she is upset.  Sometimes it is about me, sometimes it is about the triangle, but it is often just simple solvable issues that we can talk through.

A's mom has refused to sign the paperwork for her to sign up early so she will likely be in our lives till September.  She is really pissed at her Mom now and I hate watching her act that way. I feel a strong desire to begin pulling away from her but I am resisting it.  I remain hopeful that she will change her mind or she will be unable to enlist.  I met with her and her therapist yesterday and  they both agreed to probe more deeply into the underlying motivations behind her decision.  Whenever A talks about enlisting I become extremely anxious.  I know she is excited about becoming a Marine,  but listening to her talk about it just crushes me emotional.  I am trying to find a balance but it has not been easy.

D and I had been talking about adopting or foster care but this new challenge with A has completely soured me to that idea.  Perhaps it is time to look forward to becoming a Grandfather and let go of active parenting.

An arms length

Now I remember why I don't let people in.  It was a painful lesson I learned as a child.  I wish I had never met her.  She turned my life upside down and now she's walking out.  But I am left with this perfectly acceptable life.  Guess I will just have to get used to "acceptable" again.  Thankfully, Pavlovian logic suggests that I won't have to endure this type of loss again.

Let go, let God

Anxiety is the predominant emotion for me as of late.  I wake up anxious, work anxious and got to sleep anxious.  I have many reasons to be anxious, many of which I could reduce or eliminate with the proper amount of effort.  Money, or lack of, underlies most of my anxiety.  Which is ironic because I make really good money given my education.  But I am determined to fund B's education from cash flow and the resulting reduction in available fundalage provokes anxiety. 

I am not a fan of religion, but I am becoming more of a believer in a higher power that is worthy of my attention.  While lacking faith, I have been praying for opportunities to reduce my financial burdens either through work or other means.  I am finding more opportunities to realize that goal and for that I am thankful to God.  I find it difficult to even say God.  Makes me feel like an evangelist, which I am most decidedly not.   But, the reality is that I do feel like my prayers were answered.  "They" say, "let go, let God"...  I feel just a little bit less anxious now.

But, it's not hers to break, right?

"I have something important to talk to you about."  
"Oh yeah?" I replied holding the phone closer to my ear.
"Yeah, but not till I see you tomorrow". 
"Ok".  I was very anxious about the subject of our conversation. I knew she had something from her past that troubled her, but she had been unable to discuss with me thus far.  I wondered what it was.

The next day we climbed  to the top of the hill.  The view of Boston was magnificent.  A cold winter wind chilled us as we shivered next to each other.
"What's on your mind?" I asked looking her with soft eyes.
She looked off in the distance.  "I've been trying to find a way to tell you this.  It's so hard though"
I looked towards Boston.  "Your going into the Marines."
She hesitated, still looking away.  "Yes"