PTSD

I have seen multiple therapists over the years in attempt to improve my mental health.  Some have been more helpful than others.  Yesterday I had my first visit with my new therapist (DH) and after describing my symptoms and providing her with a brief history of my life she asked me if I have ever been treated for trauma.  "Trauma?" I asked with a perplexed look on my face.  "I have never experienced trauma so no, I have not been treated for it".  "Dirk, your experiences as a child were in fact traumatic and your symptoms are typical for people that suffer from PTSD" DH said. I leaned back in my chair and considered what she was saying.  "I like her" I said to myself.  All my life I have been looking for that elusive "adjusting screw" that would allow me to tune my life to "normal".  Maybe this is the opportunity I have been seeking for so long. Maybe I am fixable.

I am under no illusions that my life will get better or easier anytime soon.  I am facing almost insurmountable challenges but I am incredibly fortunate with more then ample opportunity to become a better man.

Today I don't prefer death over life.  I think that is progress.

I give...

I made an appointment with a psychologist for tomorrow morning.  Hopefully I will be cured by the afternoon.

Tax time

 "Fucking piece of shit software!  Why the fuck does it create a split transaction?" I screamed slamming my fists down against the desk.  I had finally mustered up the motivation to start working on my 2010 taxes and the new version of Quickbooks was randomly creating split transactions, tripling the time required to categorize each one.  I sat back enraged, unsure of what to do.  Finally, leaning forward, I selected the next transaction and started the process again.  I am under a tremendous amount of pressure to finish my tax forms as I have to complete the financial applications required for B to get financial aid for college.  I feel very guilty for not having saved any money for B's education and now I am under the gun to find get my financial house in order.

I am really starting to question the value of owning my own business as I suck at managing my finances and my procrastination only exacerbates the situation.  My weekend was split between working on taxes, screaming like a madman at my computer and vegetating in Clickerville.  On the bright side, I did clean and organize my office but that is only because I was avoiding working on my taxes.

For the past six months or so I have been very depressed and unhappy.  I suspect I will have to look at some type of antidepressant again.  I really don't want to take a friggin pill though because over time the side effects outweigh the benefits and my life insurance costs are significantly higher.

FML...

Peace

This morning I took 15MG of adderall and at this moment am enjoying a peaceful moment.  I like my job and feel intellectually challenged with a high degree of interest and motivation.  I would welcome the opportunity to socialize with others and I feel generally content.

I expect this will last for a few hours then I will be back to my miserable self.  Perhaps this afternoon I will again indulge myself with some additional artificial joy.

I am not looking for euphoria.  I simply would like to feel the passion, interest and motivation that will help me to live a life worth living.  I suppose the very act of looking for what I am missing is positive.  Let's hope that I can find that elusive screw in need of adjustment.

Thursday's Suck

I am not a fan of Thursdays.  That is the day D and I visit J at the county jail.  Yesterday we had a good visit although J is clearly depressed and frustrated with his situation.  He was fired from his jail job working at the nursing home across the street and is back on kitchen duty inside the jail.  J says that he didn’t do anything wrong.  Right…  It is never his fault.  It is unfortunate that he lost that job because it provided him an opportunity to get out of the facility six days a week.  Also, the nursing home fed him and the food was reasonably good.  Now he has a really crappy job along with food barely fit for human consumption.  Typical fare includes powdered eggs, powdered milk and some nasty processed meat products. 

Generally I am horribly depressed after visiting J but yesterday I was mostly sad.  I really don’t think that J is going to change his ways and he is now living with criminals that most likely will not inspire him to greatness.  I still spent the rest of the night in Clickerville except for eating dinner (that B prepared) with the family.  I am starting to feel more restless in Clickerville along with a sense that now I am just becoming lazy and using depression as an excuse for my irresponsibility.  I am faced with some critical deadlines relative to my finances that will impact B’s ability to get financial aid for college.  I expect I will start working on my 09 taxes this weekend.

A life worth living?

I spent 17 hours in Clickerville yesterday.  I guess you could say that I am addicted to the remote.  Watching the TV puts my mind into neutral and makes life bearable.  But I am ashamed and guilt ridden that I would waste so much time; time that I could have spent in a much more productive fashion.  D is giving me space but I can see she is growing wearing of my melancholy.  She asked about going snowshoing today and I said that I had to work.  I know she is disappointed in me and I feel badly that I ignore her when I become withdrawn. 

Yesterday I officially resigned from the cadet group.  I need to really examine why I found myself in conflict with four different youth organizations I have volunteered for. I am determined to make the relationship with the adolescent home work, but I think I will need some help. I will save that for another post.

Today I took a pill, 10mg of Adderall. I don't like the notion of "getting high" but I hate who I am becoming.    The lesser evil I guess.