Getting through the holidays

I have survived the holidays, but I am not optimistic about the future.  Nothing brings me joy right now and I am withdrawing socially.  I feel like a failure with nothing to live for.  I am able to work, but that is about it.  Today I went do B’s track meet and once again felt the nervous anxiety pulsating through my body feeling claustrophobic in the presence of other parents from town. 

Why don’t I like myself?  I am a decent enough person...  I know that my sense of others disliking me is just a reflection of my own inner perception of myself.  I am honest, giving and rarely talk ill about others.  I spend most of my free time helping others and I never say no when asked for help.  Maybe I need to go back to therapy.  Maybe I still have some unresolved childhood issues.  Unfortunately my insurance does not cover my last therapist so now I have to find yet another counselor and retell my story all over again.  Arghhhhhh….

Dis-invited

I had been invited to attend the holiday party at the adolescent home that I volunteer at.  The party was scheduled for 3:30 but I was told that the festivities would start at 12:30.  I arrived at 1:30 but not much was happening so I went back to work planning to return at 3:30.  At 3:00 I received a phone call from the Executive Director saying that no volunteers were invited to the party and I would not be able to attend.  What the Fuck?

Raising B

My outlook has improved slightly since my last post.  This morning I entered B’s room at 5:45 per our usual routine to wake him.  I turned on his light and gently shook him, saying “B, it is time to get up”.  He eventually stirred, pulled back the covers and swung his size 14 feet over the side of the bed placing them on the floor.  Most days he pulls his 6’ 4” lanky frame up from the bed and we embrace in a morning hug / back slap.  This morning he turned away from me and shuffled directly towards the bathroom.  Given the events of the previous evening I was not surprised by his insolence.  “So that is how it is?” I said as he walked away from me.  He stood there quietly, unsure of what to say.  “B, you can’t just go around hurting people and not expect them to become angry”.  He still did not respond.  I turned and walked back to my room making no attempt to hide my anger and frustration. 

I went to my bathroom to shave and wash up.  When I turned off the water I could hear him sobbing again in his room.  Unlike the night before, I did not hesitate and walked into his room sitting down on the bed next to him.  “What is going on B?” I asked placing my hand on his quivering back.  He did not respond immediately so I just sat there patiently giving him the time he needed to compose himself.  “B, sometimes I am just in a bad mood and it has nothing to do with you” I said softly.  He turned over and sat up leaning against the wall.  “Dad, I am under so much pressure right now” he said.  “I am carrying three AP classes, have track practice every day and any little extra time I have is spent looking at colleges”.  “I feel like I can’t do anything right at home and I am always pissing you and Mom off” he continued.  “You have a lot on your plate” I replied.  “B, you are a great kid and I am incredibly fortunate to be your father.  I know school is challenging academically and socially.  But I also know that you can handle it.  Just do your best and you will be fine.  However, Mom and I are not going to change our expectations regarding your responsibilities around the house.  You live here and you can help out.  I have warned you repeatedly that when you ignore your responsibilities and leave a mess for me and Mom to clean up, the anger and resentment will build until it spills over and people will get hurt.  That is what happened last night.  We will get over it as will you.  You will have consequences for kicking the door.  You need to purchase a new door, than paint and install it.  We will deal with it after the holidays.”  I stood up and waited a moment looking at him.  He stood up as well and put his arms around me and I returned the hug.  “I love you B” I said.  “I love you too Dad” he replied.  “Well, let’s get our day started” I said as I turned and walked out of his room.

The darkness continues

I could hear my son sobbing upstairs in his room, but I remained on the couch, my gaze fixed on the television.  I was not really watching tv; rather I was trying to distract my mind from the fracas that was swirling through our home.  I knew I should go upstairs and console B, but I just didn't have the fortitude to do so.  He had been loudly arguing with D after I told her that I did not want to talk to him because I was too angry.  So she went upstairs and proceeded to castigate him even though he said he did not want to talk.  In effort to exert control on him, she took away his car as a punishment for his behavior.  He then flipped out including kicking his door leaving a foot sized hole in it.  So I let him cry and thought about death instead. 

When I am dead will "I" cease to exist?  Will anyone really miss me?  D and B will get the money from my life insurance.  D will remarry to someone that will treat her better.  B doesn't need me anymore.  J never did... 

Most days I believe that our purpose in life is to help others.  But how can I help other people when I can't even help myself?  My life is so fucking easy but yet I am miserable.  Night after night I come home and waste away in Clickerville neglecting my family and responsibilities.  I keep thinking that I will eventually regain my energy and enthusiasm but other than brief periods, I remain a sloth wasting my life away.  Something has to change.

Dark days

The past few days I have been rather depressed.  Monday I stayed home from work and spent 15 hours watching movies in Clickerville.  Yesterday I had a good workout at the gym and I feel a little better today. 

I was really disappointed with B over the weekend as we had a brief confrontation regarding his failure to take care of his responsibilities around the house.  He is such a great kid but he does little to help with the household chores.  Sunday night I asked him to put away the dishes (his job) and he replied with “I can't, I have to do homework”.  He uses that excuse all the time and I am growing increasingly annoyed with it.  I never discipline him anymore and I am fearful that as his “friend”, I am neglecting my role as his father.  This morning I said little to him as we walked the dog and I prepared him breakfast.  I am very uneasy with this distance growing between us and feel that it is going to come to a head soon.

Coffee Hound

Today am visiting a new coffee shop.  The staff is very friendly and it feels like a family run business.  The shop lacks any significant atmosphere and feels utilitarian in nature.  The windows need to be washed and the furniture is plain and uninteresting.  However, the bran muffins, although somewhat small, are delicious.  I ordered a large latte with four shots and the barista appeared to be knowledgeable and confident as she prepared my order.  I generally order a mocha latte but the plain was very good.  It had a nice head of foam and the coffee/milk was rich and creamy.  I scored them 2.7 out of 4 shots.

The Lemmings Lived

Yesterday I discovered that the story about the lemmings committing mass suicide is a complete myth.  I have often likened the human race to lemmings so maybe there is hope for us after all. 

I have been spending a fair amount of time contemplating my life and reading.  I have my moments of "quiet desperation" but overall I am doing "ok".  I am still struggling with reconciling some financial issues though.  For whatever reason I cannot muster up the energy and motivation to work on some back tax issues.  I am very exposed and could even lose my house. I worry about the possible consequences often.  I see other people around me suffering due to their procrastination and I shake my head and wonder why they don't have the discipline to make better decisions.  But then I ignore the opportunity to ease my financial burden and just bury my head in the sand hoping that the "Man" won't come knocking on my door. 

Avoiding TV

This morning I had to run from my truck to the coffee shop to avoid getting soaked from the wind-driven downpour.  Nevertheless, I am in good spirits today.  Last night I did not visit Clickerville.  Instead, I read a few chapters from Generation Kill.  I feel good about not wasting the evening.

I am determined to read more.  Reading is a much better alternative to Clickerville and I believe it will improve my writing ability.

Desire = Suffering

I am going to spend a day at the local Buddhist temple learning more about the Four Noble Truths.  I have been reading about these truths that underlie the Buddhist faith and believe them to be true.  The Buddhists believe that suffering is caused by desire and if you reduce your desire, you reduce your suffering. 

Attachment is a form of desire.  For instance, I am attached to my 2004 Ford F350.  I love my truck.  It reflects my personality and is very comfortable.  It is also handy for hauling things like my other objects of attachment; namely my boat and snowmobiles.  However, I have been thinking about parting with my truck as I really cannot afford the monthly payment.  This is where knowledge of truth collides with real life.  I like my boat and snowmobiles because they provide an opportunity to spend more time with my kids.  Maybe I have to find other ways to spend time with my kids...