Freedom

I stood there, in my father's kitchen uncertain what to say.  We were visiting for an early Christmas and my father had just asked me how my sister was doing.  This is the sister that he had traumatized so badly when she was a child that she has regressed into a shell of the person she once was.  I have watched in horror as her mental health has declined over the past decade unsure of what I could or should do.  I looked at him with a blank stare on my face trying to formulate an answer.  "Not good" I finally blurted out, looking at the ground.  I slowly raised my eyes and looked directly into his looking for some type of response but found none.  My sister had been staying at our house for the past five days and I have been continuously assaulted with waves of anger, guilt and frustration resulting from her declining mental health.  I continued to look him in the eye and said "it is always a constant struggle with her.  She has been all but abandoned by her kids and she is struggling just to hang on."  I lowered my gaze and in a hushed tone said "it has been very difficult". 

I am not one for meekness, especially with my father.  I can remember the day when I no longer feared him.  I was seventeen and we shared a cockroach infested apartment in the low rent district of Nashua.  I was walking down the stairs heading out for the day and he was apparently annoyed that I had not washed the dishes to his satisfaction.  "I will deal with them later" I called up the stairs.  "Going to see your whore-girlfriend" he shouted back.  I stopped mid-step and with no hesitation turned and leaped back up the stairs three at a time.  I threw him against the wall and with my hands clutching his collar, my face inches from his, said in an enraged but controlled voice "if you ever again refer to K as a whore, I will kill you.  I released him and he slumped to the ground.  I suddenly felt a tremendous wave of relief sweep over me.  I was no longer scared of my father!  He would never beat me again; never verbally abuse me.  I would no longer cringe in fear when I thought about my Dad calling me to come home so that he could punish me for whatever offense I had committed that day.  I was free...

My God

I want to believe in a God.  This God would make all my back taxes disappear, fund my son's education, allow me to retire at 55 and let me continue my generous support of Starbucks, LL Bean, Keen and Northface.  My son would be released from jail to become a model citizen.  I would suddenly remember that I have a master’s degree in outdoor education and would be offered a fabulous job working with troubled adolescents.

Reluctant writing

Writing can be difficult at times, especially when you don’t feel like writing.  I have been in a bit of a funk lately and I am also disappointed that my blog postings are boring, routine and predictable. While I recognize that my blog serves primarily as therapy for me, I had hoped that my writing would improve to the point where other people (besides my few loyal readers for which I am very grateful ;-) would find it interesting.  I have never had a great sense of humor but I thought people might be attracted to my brutal honesty.  I read a few other blogs that don’t seem much better than mine but they have huge audiences.  I don’t spend any time trying to market my blog though; maybe that makes a difference.
 
Last night I watched a movie called “PS Your Cat is Dead” about an out of work, down on his luck actor in LA.  His girlfriend just left him, he is being evicted from his apartment and he has just caught and hog-tied a burglar that has robbed him twice before.  I read the book back in the 80’s and thought it was hilarious.  Unfortunately, the movie sucked.  Steve Guttenburg was the star and he appeared to be lethargic and disinterested for most of the movie.  I was supremely disappointed. 

Yesterday D and I went to visit J.  I struggle emotionally whenever I visit J and it did not help that he looked terrible.  He looked and acted like he was strung out on drugs.  We had a good visit though and he has completed a month of his 5 month sentence (assuming good behavior).  He seems to think that he can get out in January on an ankle bracelet but I think that is unlikely.  It also means that he would live with us and while I would probably allow it, I would not be a happy camper.

Can I help you?

About three months ago I started meeting with a young woman (M) who suffers from depression and was all but house-bound at the time.  She is now working as a graphics designer for a couple of clients and has been more active in the community including volunteering at a local high school and taking a pottery class.  Her demeanor is much brighter and she appears to be doing much better.  I am not in any way trying to taking credit for her recovery, but I like to think I might have played a small part in it.  Recently I discovered that her Mom asked her Dad for a divorce.  Her Dad is not what I would call a great father, and I suspect he is not a great husband.  However, I think that when someone has 30 years invested into a family one should consider marriage counseling before pulling the plug.  This couple also has a 16 year old daughter still living at home.  M’s Dad works for one of my clients (that is how I met her) and now he is coming to me professing his love for his wife saying that he does not want a divorce.  He has further indicated that his wife will not go to marriage counseling as she is too proud.  Yesterday I met again with M (we have a business relationship as well as a personal relationship) and we had some time to talk after everyone left the meeting.  She is holding up remarkably well but she is clearly very angry at her Dad because he has all but ignored her for all of her life.  He travels extensively (40 weeks a year) and when he is home does not spend much time interacting with his family.  I listened intently and did my best to resist the urge to “fix” her problems.  In the end I advised her to find someone close to her Mom that would convince her to go see a marriage counselor.

I was struck by the familiarity of some of the stories she described about her Dad’s behavior especially around important days such as her graduation and Christmas.  I can think of many times that I was struggling with depression and anger and would behave selfishly during birthday parties or other family gatherings.  I am much better now but I know that my family must feel similar anger and resentment towards me for some of my past behavior. 

Writer?

I would like to be a writer… I think. But there are so many obstacles standing in my way including a lack of writing skills which is probably somewhat important. I can certainly go back to school but that would mean giving up some other interests and I am already neglecting my wife and my business. Then there is the issue of interest and motivation. Some days I feel like I could write a book while other times I can’t even formulate a sentence. I also think that some of the best writers have a great sense of humor while my writing tends to be rather dark and brooding. I’ll stick with blog postings for now.

This past weekend was a busy one. I was at a cadet boot camp starting Friday night until Saturday night then Sunday I ran a crew of volunteers that helped to clean up the property at the adolescent home. We held the boot camp at an active Marine Corps base and I was very intimidated and nervous around all the marines as I am not used to being around them. Then, to my horror, I realized that they did not recognize the cadet officer insignia I wear on my uniform collars and they thought I was somebody important! Once I realized this I removed the insignia’s because I am not important enough to polish the boot of the greenest private fresh out of Lejeune. The boot camp was excellent and I really enjoyed teaching and working with all the cadets. The cleanup at the adolescent home also went very well although we had a light turnout. I worked longer then I should have but I the property looks great.

I miss you J

Dear J,

Today I am sitting at the coffee shop waiting for D N but I suspect he will not be joining me. We have been meeting on Wednesday mornings but I usually send him an email to remind him and yesterday I was so busy that I did not.

I think about you often J… Sometimes I reflect on the past and some of the things we have done together. I remember when we used to drive over to the dump every Saturday when we lived in Weare. You loved going for the ride and we usually ended up dragging something home like an old tractor or lawn mower. I think about some of the sports you played such as baseball and basketball and how I used to pray so hard that you would hit the ball or make the big play. I often wish I could go back in time and get another chance at being a Dad to a young J. I would work so much harder to overcome my depression and be a better father to you. Sometimes I think that you taught me more about life than I taught you. You helped shape me into the person I am today. I work with teens now partly because of what you taught me. I am more patient, tolerant and compassionate than before you came into my life. You taught me to accept people as they are; to not judge or dismiss them because they fail to meet my expectations. To look for the inherent good in everyone and love unconditionally.

I know you are putting on a brave face right now and that it must be incredibly difficult dealing with your incarceration, even it is only county jail. I hope, with every fiber of my being, that you are really thinking about what you want to do when you get out. I don’t mean just a job and a place to live; but the kind of life you want to live. You have some difficult times ahead of you dealing with the tragedy of the accident. If you take up a cause such as a college fund for the victims girls or educating teens on driving safety, I know that it will be easier to deal with the pain and emotions associated with the accident. You know everyone around you will support you in any way possible.

Well, I guess I should go to work… I have a busy day ahead of me. I am doing a little more marketing work for a client which is a nice change from IT which has been very boring lately.

Take care J,

I love you,

Dad

Weekend chores

Today I am drinking my coffee at Cafe Dirk. I am spending the day at home; cooking crepes for D's bookclub in the morning than winterizing the boats in the afternoon.

Yesterday I went to B's final x-country race. He was happy with his time and was pleased he was able to participate. I am still struggling with facing other town residents out in public. I don't engage in conversation with them and tend to keep to myself. B will graduate in the spring and then I won't have to face the local townspeople.

Pig-headed

According to Merriam Dictionary the definition of pig-headed is "willfully or perversely unyielding : obstinate. There are certain things that I can be pig-headed about; mostly having to do with people. The neighbors that border me on the west pissed me off when they first moved in about four years ago and I have not spoken to them since. She is a nutcase and he was unwilling to acknowledge the egregiousness of an offense she committed against me. It was all pretty stupid but I had extended a helping hand when they moved into their house and felt completely betrayed.

I am more concerned about my relationship with the neighbors that filed charges against J for entering their house without permission. I understand that they thought he needed some tough love, but their disregard for my prediction that the consequences of their actions would drastically exceed the crime leaves me full of anger and resentment. I am not worried about this particular relationship; we were never really close friends. I am more concerned about my inability to approach this situation in a calm, rational and forgiving manner recognizing that they were probably trying to do what was right. I am trying to live my life in the Buddhist "right" way and this is a complete violation of that philosophy.

Fathers and Sons...

It is a beautiful crisp fall day down at the town square. This past weekend was a good one as I was very productive but I was not in the best of moods. Saturday D and I went to see B run at the State meet. Sunday I ran a crew of volunteers at the adolescent home for a fall cleanup day. It was a good event and the property looks great. Following, I had to go home and deal with my own leaves. Thankfully D and B helped out and we cleaned up the entire yard. It is a banner year for leaves :-)

My Dad and his wife attended the meet on Saturday and he had previously asked about a popular diner located in Manchester. He never invited D and I but I assumed we were planning on going out after the meet. As we were getting ready to leave after the race I said "I guess we will join you for lunch at the diner" to which he replied "Oh, you are?". WTF? Either he is an idiot with absolutely no clue about subtext or he didn't really want us to go. Considering it was my birthday I had assumed that he would want to spend some time together. We went to lunch with them (he and his wife) but I was annoyed about the situation. I know this is one of the little things that I am supposed to let go of but sometimes accepting and letting go of emotionally charged issues can be easier said than done.