No Relief

This morning I got up and made breakfast for B and J. B has a cross country meet today and I wanted to make sure he had some carbs in his system. J never eats breakfast with us, (sleep is more important) but I generally make something for him to take to school. Yesterday I took J to a neurologist because he has been having a lot of headaches. The neurologist prescribed three different meds for him to take indicating that the headaches were likely a result of his recent wake board fall. Unfortunately, last night I was in clickerville and completely antisocial so I did not check on Josh to make sure he took his meds. This morning I realized he had not taken them and I called upstairs asking him to please come downstairs and take his meds right away. I have to add the "right away" or he will forget to take them. I asked him in a calm and respectful voice. He screams back "I am changing". That sent me over the edge... I don't deserve that disrespect, had just made his breakfast and the whole point in asking him to take his meds was to help him! Normally I can roll with this crap but with my current bout of depression it hit me pretty hard. I grabbed my keys and basically stormed out of the house muttering " you people must be blind". Thirty minutes later I am sitting in front of the coffee shop trying to enjoy my rare caffeine treat. I feel a little better but right now life basically sucks.

There is something very wrong in my life when I wish that I would have a heart attack and die. I would never want to leave my family as I know that they are better off with me then without. But I just wish that I would feel better. I am seriously thinking of changing therapists as I have been at this for about three months and I am definitely worse of today then when I started. I also am quickly losing faith in this Lamictal shit. I am starting to wonder if it is worsening my mood. I am up the the half dose and I will probably ride it out till I get to full dose. Then I will decide whether to continue with it or not.