Warmer weather

It is a spectacularly beautiful day in the Town Square this morning. I am writing this post while sipping my triple-venti-no whipped-mocha seated outside of my favorite coffee shop.

D and I just returned home yesterday after spending three days in Camden ME kayaking and relaxing. We were celebrating our 22nd anniversary. It is hard to believe we have spent almost half of our lives together. I am an incredibly lucky man to be with D.

D and I wrote up a contract for J outlining our expectations regarding his behavior. Rather than booting him from the house completely, we implemented a three strikes policy wherein he will have to leave the house for a week if he strikes out or commits a serious offense such as stealing. We also gave him an 11:00 curfew on work nights that will hopefully curtail his partying.

B is attending his Junior Prom tonight. He is going with a female "friend" but he is thrilled about the event. It is interesting to watch him at track events as many of the girls are very flirtatious with him. He clearly loves the attention but has not expressed interest in a more serious relationship with any girls at this point.

Who's fault is it?

My neighbor left a message on my cell phone the other day. "Dirk, please call me ASAP. I need to talk to you about an urgent issue." I knew then that his call had something to do with J. When I called him later he was really pissed. “Your son broke into our house today surprising my wife who was sleeping. When she asked him what he was doing there he said he needed an egg. Are you out of eggs at your house?” he asked. My heart was in my throat at that point and I replied “No… I don't think so.” “So what the fuck was J doing in my house?” he asked. I could sense the restraint in his voice; probably more than I would have had in a similar situation. "He was looking for money” I said glumly. He had asked me to borrow the truck that morning to help a friend move and I had told him that it was low on gas and he would need to get at least a few gallons. He said he had the money. Apparently he had hoped that my friend would have the money. There was a pause as the harsh reality of the situation set into my friends mind. “From me?” he said incredulously. “After everything I have done for him?” There was less restraint in his words as he wrestled with a multitude of emotions. I know that feeling of violation when Josh has entered our bedroom rifling through our belongings looking for money. My friends feeling of violation must be an order or magnitude greater then what I experienced. “I am sorry” I said rubbing my hand across my face. “Dude, it is not your fault” he replied. But I knew it was. I have failed as a Father. My son is a thief, a liar and probably on the road to a life of crime.

Brevity

Sun warm on my face

Square is alive with people

I sit, content

Early Morning Part II

When we arrived at the hospital, J was already admitted and lying in a bed inside the small ER room. A nurse was attaching the electrodes for an EKG test. “How are you?” I asked with a concerned look on my face. “I am fine Dad” J replied. “My heart was racing and I was having a hard time breathing so my friend called 911. The paramedics checked me out and insisted I go to the hospital.” “What were you doing when this happened” I asked. “Dad, I had a couple beers and I was not doing any drugs” he replied confidently looking me directly in the eye. “I was dealing with a very stressful problem and was overwhelmed with anxiety” he continued looking away. I did not question him any further about the incident. D and I left him with the doctors and nurses retiring to the waiting area to await the outcome of the tests. I suspected that he was taking drugs and he had a reaction.

The cardiology tests all come out negative and the next night he was out partying again. I don’t want him drinking and he is taking a significant risk given that he is underage and still on probation as a result of his traffic accident. If he gets arrested he will go to jail. I have spoken to him about this but he is clearly unconcerned. I am not sure I can do anything else.

I know that he is grappling with a very serious problem but he is not talking to me about it. I suspect that he has either gotten a girl pregnant or been arrested for something and his hoping I will not find out.

Recently he went to spend a weekend with a friend of mine; the same friend where he was responsible for stealing $300 from my friends neighbor. He has paid back the money and my friend is trying to forgive him for his crime. However, he and my son got into an argument and J left, apparently walking 16 miles before he was able to catch a ride to the train station. This happened two weeks ago and I have yet to talk to my friend. However, I will have to see him to retrieve some power tools that he borrowed. I am not looking forward to that conversation.

Early morning

As I reached for the phone I glanced at the clock on my bed stand. The bright red LED's displayed 3:46 AM. "Hello" I said gruffly. "Hi Dad, I am in the back of an ambulance on the way to the hospital." "What happened? Are you ok” I asked sitting bolt upright. "I don't know, my heart was racing and I couldn't breathe" J replied. "Where are they taking you" I asked. He gave me the name of the hospital and I told him we would meet him there. As I hung up the phone I could feel the onset of anxiety. What bothered me most was feeling guilty because I was pissed that I had to get up so early to deal with this. I should be more concerned about my son than my precious sleep. I guess after years of these "crises" I am becoming desensitized to them. D began to stir as I pulled my trousers on. "What's going on" she asked. "J is on the way to the hospital with a racing heart and difficulty breathing" I replied. "Should I go" she asked sleepily. I thought that was an odd question and was uncertain how to reply. "Yes" I said pulling on my shirt.

Never enough

My friend handed me the phone saying “it’s your wife and she doesn’t sound happy. “Hello” I said placing the phone to my ear. “When are you going to be home?” D asked. “I am not sure” I replied. “Is it going to be late?” she asked. I hesitated trying to think thru all the possible factors that could influence my return time. “It’s going to be after 9:00 isn’t it?” she said. I had grown weary of playing this game so I said “yes”. “Fine” she replied angrily and hung up the phone.

When I walked into the house a couple of hours later, D was busy cleaning the kitchen. “The dining room looks great” I said to her dropping my computer bag on the floor. “The chandelier is crooked" she replied. I had spent all day Saturday as well as Sunday morning installing the wrought iron fixture. “The arms just have to be adjusted” I said reaching for the light. “You are spending way too much time with the Cadet group” she said. “Are you saying I am not spending enough time with you and the boys? “I countered. “Yes” D replied. I hung my head in frustration. “I don’t get you sometimes” I replied. “I used to completely neglect you and over the past five years I have worked very hard to be a better husband. We do more together now than we ever did before. And now you say it is not enough”. “Well you can’t even answer your phone” she said her voice raising a few decimals. “D, I told you that I have to put my phone on vibrate at work and sometimes I forget to take it off. Do you think I don’t answer the phone just to piss you off?” “Yes” she said staring at me with a defiant look on her face her feet plants firmly. All that was missing was the hands on the hips. “Are you saying that I would intentionally want to hurt you” I asked my face turning red with a look of disbelief. ”Yes” she said staring directly at me with steely eyes. “Wow” I said in a hushed tone; my body slumped as if I had just been punched in the gut. I turned and walked away.

We did not talk for a couple of days and when we did, D said she misunderstood what I was saying. I told her I thought she understood me perfectly and that we should discuss why she feels that way. We have not had that discussion yet.

Death and Taxes

I have spent the last four days (except for Easter dinner) in tax hell. People that wait for the last minute to prepare their taxes are sent to tax hell to crunch numbers, search for missing documents, decode cryptic bank statements and bang their head on their desk when their computer decides to stop working. I sent my information off to my accountant last night and I am hopeful he can squeeze me in.

I have been tired, lethargic and somewhat depressed lately. The weather is finally starting to improve so hopefully my mood will as well.

C'mon Summer

Winter refuses to release us from her icy grasp. It was 28 degrees this morning when B and I walked A. However, as we turned the corner at the top of our hill, we could see the morning sun blazing through the emerging buds on the maples and beeches. I stopped for a moment, turning my face to the east, eager to soak in the warmth of the golden rays.

B won 3rd place at his track meet yesterday. He was very surprised and delighted when I showed up at the track as he had not expected me to make the trip because it is quite distant from our home. It makes me happy to please him in that way.

I am feeling a bit rundown lately. I am very stressed about my inability to resolve some unpaid bills. I just have to do a better job managing our budget.

Homecooking

Last night I made a fabulous dinner for the family.

Seafood Newburg with lobster, halibut and shrimp (I made the sauce from scratch)
Whole grain brown rice
Steamed broccoli
Freshly made, undercooked brownies topped with Shaine’s of Maine, Moose Tracks ice cream covered in chocolate sauce (OMG, it was so good)

I don't particularly like cooking but I know D appreciates the break.

After dinner I asked J to clean the kitchen and he attempted to engage me into a debate about when he should do the chore up which I successfully avoided.

Walking the dog

I absolutely love spending time with B in the morning walking A. We always have something to talk about and often laugh and joke together. He seems to be recovering well from his recent breakup; although the kid his ex-girlfriend is dating is apparently talking a lot of smack about B. Initially B wanted to beat the kid up but after talking with me and his Mom decided against it.

I have been in good spirits recently. I attempted to stop the Lexapro but after five days I became incredibly agitated so decided to go back on it. I feel like my life is well balanced except for dealing with my taxes. I am chipping away at that problem though.