Walking the dog

I absolutely love spending time with B in the morning walking A. We always have something to talk about and often laugh and joke together. He seems to be recovering well from his recent breakup; although the kid his ex-girlfriend is dating is apparently talking a lot of smack about B. Initially B wanted to beat the kid up but after talking with me and his Mom decided against it.

I have been in good spirits recently. I attempted to stop the Lexapro but after five days I became incredibly agitated so decided to go back on it. I feel like my life is well balanced except for dealing with my taxes. I am chipping away at that problem though.

Family gathering

Yesterday we had D's family over to the house. Overall it was a pleasant day. However, during a spirited men vs. women game of Pictionary, D started getting angry over perceived rule infractions. This set me off and I mentally withdrew from the game for a while. I started to contribute again towards the end but only begrudgingly. Am I just being selfish in not masking my feelings or is a legitimate control issue? I don’t know but I should do better as I am sure I made people uncomfortable.

I suspect this new medicine is not going to work for me. I sometimes feel a very slight improvement in my mood, but I think I could do better with something else.

Are we happy yet?

Today is day II of the Lexperiment. Often, when I go back on meds, my mood improves before the meds have had time to work. That is the case this time around. Let’s hope that the side effects are minimal.

Med-free time coming to an end?

Last night I warned J that he may have to look for another place to live if he did not change his ways. I went on to tell him that based on his recent behavior, I now believe that he stole the money from my friends neighbors and that our relationship would never be the same if he does not take responsibility for his actions.

I will be calling the doc today to discuss antidepressant options. I wish there was another way but I just don't see one at this point.

Wasting time

Lately I have been spending way too much time in Clickerville. I start thinking about crashing on the couch before I am even out of work. I am setting a bad example for my son and I am neglecting many responsibilities. I wish there was some way I could find more energy in the evening. Last night I should have put my new wheels on my mountain bike and tonight I would have been out riding. What a waste…

Gettin' Happy

Yesterday I took the day off, mostly to help J paint the car he has been fixing for a friend. I also went for a run with B that ended abruptly when he developed a pain his ankle. The rest of the day was spent working on cadet-related issues, online gaming and practicing guitar. Not the best use of my time, but at least I purposely and successfully avoided Clickerville.

I am not a happy person; but I am also not suicidal. Considering the alternative, that is probably a good thing. I am sure that many of us do, in fact, “…lead lives of quiet desperation”. But I wish that I was happier. I wish that I found more joy in the things that I do. I wish I was less serious and had a better sense of humor. I wish I had more appreciation for my good fortune.

In my humble but possibly naive opinion, happiness is generally not completely dependent on one’s job, family or personal situation(s). It is a state of mind; largely dependent on mood altering chemicals such as serotonin and epinephrine. Certainly environmental factors influence the production of these “happy” chemicals, but in my case my life is good on all fronts, but yet I am still less than happy. WTF...

Bright, beautiful sun

Yesterday we hit a bunch of rain storms on the way up to the lake; some were very intense with torrential downpours. Today it is absolutely beautiful. We went wakeboarding at 0700 and then I went for a short bike ride. I am writing this post from the deck of the coffee shop on the causeway.

J and I had a blowout this morning after he wrapped the tow line around the boat propeller. When I tried to explain he is responsible for all aspects of the boat when on the helm he got all bent out of shape and tried to blame the incident on B who had thrown the line. Often, when we have a disagreement, he storms away in anger but I am getting better at reeling him back in. Later I let him take the boat out with his girlfriend and friend.

Dichotomy

It is a stunningly beautiful day in the town square today. Yet my mood continues to be dark and stormy. Depression can overcome its victim in many ways. Some experience a sudden change in their life that triggers an immediate depressive episode. For me, the loss of joy and interest gradually permeates my soul much like the sea into a sinking vessel. Initially unnoticed by the crew, the ship begins to take on water in its deepest compartments. She becomes sluggish and slow to respond. By the time the crew discovers the hull has been compromised, she is foundering and the crew struggles to start the pumps. Some want a distress call sent out; but the veteran crew members insist they can save the ship without any help.

I really don't want to go back on meds; but also do not want to crash upon the rocks just as I am starting my vacation.

Delivery boy

Now that school is out for the summer, my morning routine is completely screwed up. B would rather not get up at 5:45 to walk the dog and we plan to do more bike-riding and running in the morning. This morning we were preparing to walk the dog at 6:30 when J called asking me to bring him his work ID that he had forgotten. So like a dutiful father I changed my plans and delivered his badge to him. He has been talking about moving out of the house. Who will he call for courier service when he is out on his own?

Yesterday I said goodbye to my shrink. He has done a good job; but I am doing well so I don’t see a real benefit in continuing our sessions at this point. I realize that I will likely be back to see him at some point in the future but it feels good to part ways at least for now.

Who cares anymore?

Recently I took J to a psychiatrist to explore medicinal options that would help him control his anger problems. We met with a highly-recommended doctor who asked many good questions and we agreed to meet again. When we arrived for the second visit, I waited in the lobby while J met with the doctor. After about five minutes they invited me to join them. The doctor than outlined his recommended treatment plan that started with J taking the drug Risperdal. I asked the doctor to tell us about the drug including its potential side effects and he gave us a cursory overview and said J might experience some weight gain. That was it… No further explanation. We agreed to try it and he wrote us a script.

Later I spent some time researching the drug and I was horrified to discover that it was an extremely risky product with possible side effects including:

Somnolence, increased appetite, fatigue, rhinitis, upper respiratory tract infection, vomiting, coughing, urinary incontinence, increased saliva, constipation, fever, tremors, muscle stiffness, abdominal pain, anxiety, nausea, dizziness, dry mouth, rash, restlessness, and indigestion.

Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome (NMS) is a rare and potentially fatal side effect reported with RISPERDAL and similar medicines.

Tardive Dyskinesia (TD) is a serious, sometimes permanent side effect reported with RISPERDAL and similar medications. TD includes uncontrollable movements of the face, tongue, and other parts of the body.

RISPERDAL and similar medications can raise the blood levels of a hormone known as prolactin, causing a condition known as hyperprolactinemia. Blood levels of prolactin remain elevated with continued use. Some side effects seen with these medications include the absence of a menstrual period; breasts producing milk; the development of breasts by males; and the inability to achieve an erection.

High blood sugar and diabetes have been reported with RISPERDAL and similar medications.

What really freaked me out was that Tardive Dyskinesia affliction could remain permanently! This drug is generally used to treat schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. I am very concerned that anyone would recommend this medication to treat a mild anxiety/irritability disorder.

I am really pissed off and I view this doctor as uncaring and out of touch with his patients, at least J.

Now I need to figure out what do to next. WTF…

Demons

Yesterday I had to face my demons and my demon was me. B shared with me an essay he recently wrote for school about an incident that occurred approximately four years ago when I was in the worst of my depressive period. Following is an excerpt:

Pancake Day started like any other day. My Dad woke me up, told me to get myself ready and left the room. I rose out of bed, placidly dressed myself in my regular attire and went downstairs. Amazingly my Dad had made breakfast for me. It was a nice steaming hot batch of pancakes. I thanked my Dad and sat down to begin eating when we heard a door slam upstairs. I heard my contentious brother screaming at my Mom. “No, fuck you! If I don’t want to go to school today than I damn well have a right not to. Jesus Christ, leave me the hell alone!” When my Dad heard this he bolted up the stairs. “J, what the fuck is wrong with you?” I sat at the breakfast table holding my fork. The normally palatable pancakes sitting in front of me untouched; I wasn’t very hungry anymore. “I don’t want to go to school today!” Still, I just looked at the pancakes. “You can’t make me do anything!” The steam was still rising from the pancakes when I heard my Dad explode. Words can’t explain the scream that came out of his mouth. I had no inkling about what happened to my brother, but I heard him crying. My Dad came running down the stairs. “What the fuck is wrong with you kids?” He said it like a statement, not a question. I started to cry. My Dad started pacing. I still remember sitting at the table holding my fork and watching the steam roll off the pancakes. He suddenly went upstairs again than hurriedly came back down the stairs. He looked at me crying. I could feel the salty taste of the tears rolling into my mouth. He saw the pancakes and charged towards me like a madman and furiously ripped them away. “You don’t deserve these. You are worthless!” He chucked them into the trash and stormed out of the house.

Last night, as I read the essay my body stiffened, my mouth went dry and I began to tremble. As I struggled to compose myself, I wrestled with conflicting emotions. I was angry at myself for the pain I have inflicted upon my family. I was angry at B for sharing with his teacher what was likely my worst day as his Father. I was concerned that his teacher might feel compelled to report me as an abusive Father. However, I felt the need to mask my emotions and discuss this essay with its author without making the conversation about me. Ultimately I was unable to completely mask my emotions and I wish I would have had more strength to do so. B and I talked more about the essay this morning while walking the dog and we are working through it.

I don’t ever remember calling either of my sons “worthless”. To the best of my recollection, I have always separated the act from the person. I also don’t remember using the foul incendiary language B described in his essay. However, the factual representation is less important than the memory it left.

Depression sucks… It tears people and families apart. I am lucky that I had a wife that stayed by my side and insurance that paid for meds.

I have been off my meds for over two weeks… Today I took a strong dose of the antidepressant and stimulant. I am in danger of sliding back into the black abyss of nothingness.