WTF...

This morning was a typical cold, crisp winter day. B and I were walking A per our regular routine.  I was in a good mood and B’s achilles tendon was feeling better so we were both enjoying the fresh air.  “B, are you interested in going to a basketball game Thursday at the local university with me and one of the kids from the home?”.  “No, not really” he replied.  I waited a moment then said “is it because the resident from the home is going?”.  “Yeah, I don’t want anything to do with your second family” he replied.  I stopped walking and stood there in stunned silence.  “Are you kidding me?” I asked him as I started walking again looking at him with a incredulous look on my face.  “No” he replied looking straight ahead.  “What the fuck” I said as I once again halted while my mind began to race trying to comprehend both what he had said and what he meant.  I considered the thought that the pain in my gut was due more to my low self-esteem then what he had said.  “No, I know what he meant” I said to myself as I turned and started walking back home; “I am going home” I said without bothering to wait for him.  In the blink of an eye my world was turned upside down.  I was just starting to emerge from months of a deep depression and I suddenly felt worse than at any time in recent history.  I stopped and whirled around to face B who was walking about fifty feet behind me.  “What do you mean by that?” I said.  “Are you saying that you don’t like me volunteering at the adolescent home?”.  B just stood there and did not reply.  “Well” I said my voice rising in anger, a pained look on my face.  “Yes” he replied looking me directly in the eye.  I turned again and walked back home with B trailing behind me.  I couldn’t believe this.  There is nothing in this world more important to me than my job as B’s father.  11 or 12 years ago I recognized that I spent much more time with J than B and starting then, I worked hard to be a better father.  We joined boy scouts, then the cadet group and I spent a lot of time with him; or so I thought.  Shortly after arriving home I walked upstairs and knocking on his open door walked into his room.  “B, I really need to understand what you meant” I said.  “Dad, it just seems like you do all this fun stuff with the kids from the home but not with me” he replied.  “B, you always say no whenever I ask you to do anything" I said.  I was trying to stay in control of my emotions but I could feel my guts spilling all over the floor.  “That is because I don’t like doing stuff with you now” he said.  “You were always depressed and stuff…” he trailed off.  I  could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I turned away. “B, I try so hard” I said in a strained voice as I walked out of the room.  I grabbed my gym bag, got into my truck and left for work.

Fathers and Sons...

It is a beautiful crisp fall day down at the town square. This past weekend was a good one as I was very productive but I was not in the best of moods. Saturday D and I went to see B run at the State meet. Sunday I ran a crew of volunteers at the adolescent home for a fall cleanup day. It was a good event and the property looks great. Following, I had to go home and deal with my own leaves. Thankfully D and B helped out and we cleaned up the entire yard. It is a banner year for leaves :-)

My Dad and his wife attended the meet on Saturday and he had previously asked about a popular diner located in Manchester. He never invited D and I but I assumed we were planning on going out after the meet. As we were getting ready to leave after the race I said "I guess we will join you for lunch at the diner" to which he replied "Oh, you are?". WTF? Either he is an idiot with absolutely no clue about subtext or he didn't really want us to go. Considering it was my birthday I had assumed that he would want to spend some time together. We went to lunch with them (he and his wife) but I was annoyed about the situation. I know this is one of the little things that I am supposed to let go of but sometimes accepting and letting go of emotionally charged issues can be easier said than done.

Early Morning Part II

When we arrived at the hospital, J was already admitted and lying in a bed inside the small ER room. A nurse was attaching the electrodes for an EKG test. “How are you?” I asked with a concerned look on my face. “I am fine Dad” J replied. “My heart was racing and I was having a hard time breathing so my friend called 911. The paramedics checked me out and insisted I go to the hospital.” “What were you doing when this happened” I asked. “Dad, I had a couple beers and I was not doing any drugs” he replied confidently looking me directly in the eye. “I was dealing with a very stressful problem and was overwhelmed with anxiety” he continued looking away. I did not question him any further about the incident. D and I left him with the doctors and nurses retiring to the waiting area to await the outcome of the tests. I suspected that he was taking drugs and he had a reaction.

The cardiology tests all come out negative and the next night he was out partying again. I don’t want him drinking and he is taking a significant risk given that he is underage and still on probation as a result of his traffic accident. If he gets arrested he will go to jail. I have spoken to him about this but he is clearly unconcerned. I am not sure I can do anything else.

I know that he is grappling with a very serious problem but he is not talking to me about it. I suspect that he has either gotten a girl pregnant or been arrested for something and his hoping I will not find out.

Recently he went to spend a weekend with a friend of mine; the same friend where he was responsible for stealing $300 from my friends neighbor. He has paid back the money and my friend is trying to forgive him for his crime. However, he and my son got into an argument and J left, apparently walking 16 miles before he was able to catch a ride to the train station. This happened two weeks ago and I have yet to talk to my friend. However, I will have to see him to retrieve some power tools that he borrowed. I am not looking forward to that conversation.

Legal Woes

It appears that we may have settled J's case. The DA has offered a plea that was surprisingly good. J told his lawyer that he will accept the plea offer. I am hopeful that the judge will accept the agreement and we can put an end to this nightmare. Unfortunately, I don't think J has learned much from this experience. He still does not wear his seatbelt and engages in risky behavior such as excessive speed while snowmobiling. He also has not processed his emotions relative to his responsibility for the accident. I expect J will have years of therapy ahead of him attempting to resolve feelings of guilt that will inevitably overwhelm him.

The upside to quitting the cadet group is I suddenly have more free time. I have been spending a fair amount of this time with J. Wednesday I asked him if he wanted to attend an airsoft tournament this coming weekend and he surprised me by agreeing to go. I have not played Airsoft in a while and I look forward to getting back on the field.