I think I can...

Today I typed this post from my favorite coffee shop. My mocha latte tastes great and the sun is shining brightly through the plate glass windows that are in need of a cleaning.  This is the first time this week I have visited the coffee shop and I have a much better appreciation for a routine that I previously felt entitled to.  I made my own latte's most of the week and every time I drink one from my crappy espresso machine I develop a greater appreciation for my friendly barista and their brewing talent.

A few weeks ago I was ready to call in the pharmacological squad to solve all my problems and make me happy, wealthy and wise.  I event started taking moderate doses of Adderall to help me stay focused at work, but I never pulled the trigger to enter Cymbalta heaven; as much as I want to be like the "happy" depressives that run down the beach and go camping with their friends in the many SSRI commercials.  I have not needed the Adderall lately and I am actually starting to feel better overall.  I spend less time in Clickerville, work out more and even made significant progress on my taxes.  I notice the sunrise in the morning and I enjoy making dinner Wednesday nights.  Last night was ribs, smashed potatoes and banana cream pie.  I cut my hair, trimmed my mustache and I think I actually care about life now.  I recognize that at anytime, and for no reason, I may be back in the vacuous hell hole that I am still climbing out of but I am enjoying the sunrise for now.

PTSD

I have seen multiple therapists over the years in attempt to improve my mental health.  Some have been more helpful than others.  Yesterday I had my first visit with my new therapist (DH) and after describing my symptoms and providing her with a brief history of my life she asked me if I have ever been treated for trauma.  "Trauma?" I asked with a perplexed look on my face.  "I have never experienced trauma so no, I have not been treated for it".  "Dirk, your experiences as a child were in fact traumatic and your symptoms are typical for people that suffer from PTSD" DH said. I leaned back in my chair and considered what she was saying.  "I like her" I said to myself.  All my life I have been looking for that elusive "adjusting screw" that would allow me to tune my life to "normal".  Maybe this is the opportunity I have been seeking for so long. Maybe I am fixable.

I am under no illusions that my life will get better or easier anytime soon.  I am facing almost insurmountable challenges but I am incredibly fortunate with more then ample opportunity to become a better man.

Today I don't prefer death over life.  I think that is progress.

Peace

This morning I took 15MG of adderall and at this moment am enjoying a peaceful moment.  I like my job and feel intellectually challenged with a high degree of interest and motivation.  I would welcome the opportunity to socialize with others and I feel generally content.

I expect this will last for a few hours then I will be back to my miserable self.  Perhaps this afternoon I will again indulge myself with some additional artificial joy.

I am not looking for euphoria.  I simply would like to feel the passion, interest and motivation that will help me to live a life worth living.  I suppose the very act of looking for what I am missing is positive.  Let's hope that I can find that elusive screw in need of adjustment.

Thursday's Suck

I am not a fan of Thursdays.  That is the day D and I visit J at the county jail.  Yesterday we had a good visit although J is clearly depressed and frustrated with his situation.  He was fired from his jail job working at the nursing home across the street and is back on kitchen duty inside the jail.  J says that he didn’t do anything wrong.  Right…  It is never his fault.  It is unfortunate that he lost that job because it provided him an opportunity to get out of the facility six days a week.  Also, the nursing home fed him and the food was reasonably good.  Now he has a really crappy job along with food barely fit for human consumption.  Typical fare includes powdered eggs, powdered milk and some nasty processed meat products. 

Generally I am horribly depressed after visiting J but yesterday I was mostly sad.  I really don’t think that J is going to change his ways and he is now living with criminals that most likely will not inspire him to greatness.  I still spent the rest of the night in Clickerville except for eating dinner (that B prepared) with the family.  I am starting to feel more restless in Clickerville along with a sense that now I am just becoming lazy and using depression as an excuse for my irresponsibility.  I am faced with some critical deadlines relative to my finances that will impact B’s ability to get financial aid for college.  I expect I will start working on my 09 taxes this weekend.

A life worth living?

I spent 17 hours in Clickerville yesterday.  I guess you could say that I am addicted to the remote.  Watching the TV puts my mind into neutral and makes life bearable.  But I am ashamed and guilt ridden that I would waste so much time; time that I could have spent in a much more productive fashion.  D is giving me space but I can see she is growing wearing of my melancholy.  She asked about going snowshoing today and I said that I had to work.  I know she is disappointed in me and I feel badly that I ignore her when I become withdrawn. 

Yesterday I officially resigned from the cadet group.  I need to really examine why I found myself in conflict with four different youth organizations I have volunteered for. I am determined to make the relationship with the adolescent home work, but I think I will need some help. I will save that for another post.

Today I took a pill, 10mg of Adderall. I don't like the notion of "getting high" but I hate who I am becoming.    The lesser evil I guess.

Getting through the holidays

I have survived the holidays, but I am not optimistic about the future.  Nothing brings me joy right now and I am withdrawing socially.  I feel like a failure with nothing to live for.  I am able to work, but that is about it.  Today I went do B’s track meet and once again felt the nervous anxiety pulsating through my body feeling claustrophobic in the presence of other parents from town. 

Why don’t I like myself?  I am a decent enough person...  I know that my sense of others disliking me is just a reflection of my own inner perception of myself.  I am honest, giving and rarely talk ill about others.  I spend most of my free time helping others and I never say no when asked for help.  Maybe I need to go back to therapy.  Maybe I still have some unresolved childhood issues.  Unfortunately my insurance does not cover my last therapist so now I have to find yet another counselor and retell my story all over again.  Arghhhhhh….

Dark days

The past few days I have been rather depressed.  Monday I stayed home from work and spent 15 hours watching movies in Clickerville.  Yesterday I had a good workout at the gym and I feel a little better today. 

I was really disappointed with B over the weekend as we had a brief confrontation regarding his failure to take care of his responsibilities around the house.  He is such a great kid but he does little to help with the household chores.  Sunday night I asked him to put away the dishes (his job) and he replied with “I can't, I have to do homework”.  He uses that excuse all the time and I am growing increasingly annoyed with it.  I never discipline him anymore and I am fearful that as his “friend”, I am neglecting my role as his father.  This morning I said little to him as we walked the dog and I prepared him breakfast.  I am very uneasy with this distance growing between us and feel that it is going to come to a head soon.

Be here, be now...

Mindfulness is easier said than done. I am constantly queuing myself to come back to the moment. But, I am enjoying a much better mood recently and I believe that is due partly to my focus on the present moment.

Friday I helped my in-laws winterize their trailer. We were sitting down by the lake, when I noticed an unusually tepid wind. It was a cool fall wind at heart, but passing over the water, it gathered thermal remains of the recent late summer sun alternately warming and chilling my face and body. Rustling the leaves upon the beach, it bent the trees in a soft undulating motion. Stirring up ripples on the lake, the gentle breeze threw sparkles of sunshine bouncing across the surface of the water. I sat there motionless, with a clear mind devoid of meaningless thoughts, letting the wind caress my senses living very much in the moment.

Can the Buddha help?

Think with purpose... That is my new mantra. I am trying so hard to pull myself out of this malaise and constant negative thoughts exacerbate my sullen mood. And, I have a lot of serious challenges that I should be contemplating instead. When I am out in public, my attention often drifts from woman to woman as they cross my path. The ones I find especially interesting for whatever reason tend to occupy my thoughts for a bit longer as I spin a mini fantasy involving me and her. These fantasies sometimes include intimacy but most often center around a lifestyle change where I am suddenly unburdened from all of my present day responsibilities and she and I dive into a whirlwind romance and live happily ever after; in an alternate universe of course. I am going to dig back into the teachings of the Buddha in search of ways I can take control of my life without medication. Just the overt act of trying to improve my situation is therapeutic.

Pointless Bitching

I feel gypped... Why can't I just be naturally happy like other people? Why do I eventually have to resort to a freaking pill to feel happy? I know my ailment is far less debilitating than others, but nevertheless I feel fucking miserable. Over the past month or so I have seen my mood spiral down to the point where I am just trying to get through the day. I am losing interest in everything that I enjoy and I am becoming a bitch! So I took the pill..... Fuck... I hate this.

Therapeutic for me

I am sitting at my favorite coffee shop waiting for M to arrive. She is a young lady that I have been trying to help as she is struggling with her career and depression. I suspect she has overslept and will likely obsess over missing our meeting. She is a talented, bright young woman but I believe she has unresolved issues from her past that are weighing her down.

Unhappily happy

Right now I am working through what has been a very frustrating project at a client site. I have been trying to get a software product working that will allow me to capture a corporate image of a PC that I can then use to build new PC’s or rebuild old ones. I have spent hours upon hours trying to get a new version of the software working. I can easily build a new PC from scratch (8 hours) in less time then what each of these test configurations has taken. In some cases I have had to blow away the configuration and rebuild the PC manually anyway which is an enormous waste of time. The issue is this; I am happy and content. I have Eric Clapton playing on the headphones and I am slowly and methodically working my way through the analysis process. It pisses me off because the main reason I am happy and content is because I took two hits of Adderall this morning. What is the difference between taking a legally prescribed drug and just smoking some meth that I can buy on the street (aside from the obvious moral and philosophical issues)? I worry about the long term affects of the drugs and I feel weak when I have to resort to them to feel happy.

Well, at least I am enjoying the buzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

Family

My sister R checked herself into a psychiatric hospital approximately two weeks ago. Yesterday my sister, her daughter and I met with R and her doctor. The meeting went well and I specifically initiated a dialogue between R and her daughter relative to her daughter’s anger about the manner in which she was raised. R has struggled with depression her entire life and her kids did not get the degree of care and affection that one might expect from a healthy parent. R's ex-husband was the primary caregiver and he was a physically abusive alcoholic. Definitely not the best environment to grow up in…

I spend a lot of time helping people that I do not know. It is time that I spent more time helping my own family. I must commit to spending more time with my wife, sons, sisters, nieces and nephews.

Family genes and I don't mean Levis

Last night I went to visit my sister in the hospital. She checked herself in due to severe depression and anxiety. R is a wounded soul that suffered a traumatic experience when she was very young from which she never fully recovered. She has been medicated and under the care of a psychiatrist for the past twenty years. This is not the first time she has visited the hospital for psychiatric care, but it was the first time she called me from the hospital to tell me she was there. Previously she would tell me about her visit after she left. During our visit I tried very hard to make the conversation interactive which worked reasonably well. I also focused on helping her to identify the primary causes of her anxiety and ways she could reduce some of the stress in her life. As I listened to myself speak I realized that I needed to take my own advice and work on the issues that created stress and anxiety in my life. I need to spend less time in Clickerville and more time working towards completion of my goals.

Wicked cold

When B and I took A for her walk this morning the digital thermometer displayed 1.8 degrees. Luckily there was little to no wind.

This morning I am in a good mood. I have to believe this is due to the Lexapro and Adderall. I hate taking medication but I hate being depressed more. I have the cadet group tonight and the adolescent home tomorrow night. I definately look forward to the end of the week.

More shoveling

I had a reasonably productive day yesterday. D, B and I shoveled and snow blowed the driveway and walkways. Following, B and I did a little carpentry work repairing a DVD storage rack. After that I worked on my sled and discovered it is in need of some major repairs. This is the precise reason I did not want to buy a sled in the first place.

I have been in a reasonable mood but it is too early to judge the effectiveness of the increased dosage of Lexapro.

Drugged up

Today I feel much better than the past few days. After meeting with my Doc, we decided to stay with the Lexapro but increase the dose. I will also take Adderall when needed. It is hard to believe that I went so long with no medication at all and now I am taking two to keep my head above water. Hopefully I will get back to the med-free zone soon.

Friday I start volunteering at the adolescent home. I am excited about working with the kids but really nervous about what to expect. I have never dealt with kids that have criminal backgrounds and I am not sure what to expect.

I hate what I want...

I WANT to be in Clickerville...apparently. Today I watched five hours of the show Axe Men and a couple of movies. Axe Men is a reality show about loggers working in the Northwest. Last night a watched three movies including Poison Ivy with Drew Barrymore, Sara Gilbert and Tom Skerrit. My shrink wants me to keep track of what I watch so we can discusss what shows and movies I enjoy. He thinks this may help me to figure out how to find joy in my life again. I think it will just take the right fucking drug which is apparently not Lexapro.

I am setting a horrible example for my son... I feel like a fucking loser...

I used to WANT to go to work, do chores at home, spend time with my family and countless other things instead of watching TV. I want to change what I want. I should not want to waste my life away in Clickerville.

On the flip side, I had another meeting with the home for adolescent kids today and I will finally start working with the kids next Friday. I am excited about this opportunity and I hope it helps me find some motivation in my life. And, I made my way to work and I am at least earning some money. Although, I am watching Last Tango in Paris while I rebuild some computers.

Feeling sore

Yesterday I went snowboarding with B and his girlfriend. The conditions were marginal with a lot of ice but we had a good time. I took some rather hard falls onto the ice and am rather sore today as a result.

Christmas with the family was very pleasant. D liked the poem I wrote for her. I feel less stress now that most of my Christmas responsibilities are fulfilled.

I may be picking up a new client representing a substantial amount of business. Unfortunately they are located down in Mass but I am happy to have the opportunity.

My mood has been ok but I don't often experience what I would call "joy". I am starting to wonder if Melvin Udall was right when he asked “Is this as good as it gets?”.

New Biz

Today I am in a relatively good mood. However I have come to the conclusion that I am hopelessly bored spending so much time with one client and I have to find some new business opportunities.