It's done!

It's a perfect morning in the town square.  I feel an incredible sense of relief now that my son's graduation and graduation party are both complete.  I was not able to complete the deck renovation but it was usable and I am happy with the result.  I'm very sorry and feeling the after-affects of two many beers and now enough suntan lotion, but I'm in a good space today.

I receive so many complements on my family yet I am still amazed when I do.  I feel fortunate to have two great boys that are both well balanced and likable.  I am often complimented on my 27 years of marriage and I always feel a twinge of pain when I think about the lack of passion in our relationship.  I feel especially bad that I don't really try to be more passionate.  I have just grown to accept the "companion" nature of our marriage.  I keep thinking that one day I will suddenly feel differently and ignite some incredible sense of desire...  I'm no dummy though.  I know it will only happen with effort.  We do things together, share interests...  I just don't talk much.  I don't even try to talk much.  I need to make an effort.

Sunday I teach my first sailing class to veterans. I'm super excited as this is an area I excel in and I'm looking forward to working with the vets.  I was a bit disheartened to hear that D could not come out on the boat (she and or the vets might not feel comfortable), but I'm hoping I can change that over time.

Hard Work

Lately I've been performing a lot of manual labor including major lawn and deck renovations that must be completed before my son's graduation party next Sunday.  Sunday I opened my in-laws camp which is back-breaking labor.  I can feel the effort in my muscles and joints marking my ascent into post-midlife.  I'm also cognizant of the inevitable effect of age on my physical appearance and it reminds me of my inconsistent goal of learning how to admire beauty without the need to possess it.

It has been approximately eight weeks since I've started yoga and I'm improving control of my thoughts and become more purposeful with them.  I continue to struggle with distracting desires such as lust and desire for possessions, but at least I'm aware of what I need to change

There's Hope?

I'm beginning to imagine a life freed from the shackles of consumerism, pop culture and wasted desire.  For years I have been exposed to meditation and ways of clearing the mind from shit that really doesn't matter.  While I have sometimes embraced these paths to freedom I always fall back to the reality we have all been taught from an early age.  However, this time I actually see a glimmer of hope that I might truly experience a change in my thinking that will help me to focus less on the bullshit that means absolutely nothing and immerse myself in a new reality that will fuel greater creativity and less anxiety.

I Have A Problem

Wednesday night I went out to my favorite cafe for a drink and hopefully some writing.  I was joined by some friends and had a marvelous time.  The new bartender was pouring me 16 oz, 10% craft beers that should have been ten ounces.  I had four of them... No supper... In about three hours.  Not good.  I was very drunk and when my friends departed I went looking for dinner and some time to sober up.  Unfortunately, most places were closed so I went to the car and drive home.   Actually experienced bed spins driving the care.  Not good...  Thursday I had the worst hangover of my life.  I took the day of as I could not function.

While I realize that I technically only had four beers, I really had about eight.   And I knew what I was doing for the most part.  I have been  growing increasingly concerned that I have a drinking problem.  For  a while I was drinking excessively almost every Friday night.  I have been tailing it back and have not been drunk in a month or so.  But this Wednesday was a wake up call.   I should have been pulled over.  I should have spent the night in jail.  I'm lucky I didn't hurt anyone else.

I'm grateful that today is just another day instead of one consumed with the stress and anxiety of dealing with the aftermath of a DUI, not to mention the expense.  I need to get my shit together.

Still Missing Her

I have recently been thinking about A; probably because it is becoming warmer and I am encountering memories that bring her back.  She quit the Marines some time ago and is back in the area but we never communicate.  The friend that I was so fond of is no more and it pains me to be around this person that I don't know.  She has made some attempts to contact me over the months but I keep my responses brief, showing now interest in any kind of relationship.

I miss my friend though...  My heart aches when I allow myself to be swept up in the emotions that lie around every corner.  Memories thrust themselves at me with no regard for the pain they inflict.  I do have fond memories as well, but it is better that I try to put our past behind me.  I miss her so much...  I think about the scientific biophysical process that is causing me so much angst and while I recognize my intense emotions are a result of biochemicals swirling around my brain, they are no less intense.  I wish I'd handled our relationship differently.  Perhaps we could be friends if I had.