Erotic dentistry

This morning I had my teeth cleaned by an attractive young lady and I think she enjoyed pressing her firm breasts into my head while she wielded her various tools of dentistry.  I can tell you that the resulting fantasies made the appointment go by very quickly. 

Yesterday, after completing my blog update, a gentlemen I recently met at church sat down with me at the coffee shop.  He proceeded to tell me about how difficult his life has been as a 49 year old, having been recently divorced, with no kids, but still wanting a family.  I listened with an empathetic ear and tried to keep my advice to a minimum.  He seemed to be happy about talking with me.  Afterward, I was lucky enough to enjoy a great mood.  Hmmm...  Interesting...

Is good the new great?

Today  I feel good...  Yesterday I felt good...  Tomorrow I will probably feel good...  Lucky me.  I sometimes wonder what it would be like to suffer from bipolar disorder because I often pine for that manic feeling of euphoria and all the energy that does with it.  Instead, I just plod along, feeling "ok", waiting for that elusive, fleeting moment when my neurotransmitters give me an extra dose of joy.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy that I now feel good.  Feeling good is an excellent alternative to contemplating the "best" way to kill myself.  Definitely an improvement.  But is it unrealistic to want to feel great?  How does one get from "good' to "great"?  I do all the right things; eat well, exercise, act selflessly, follow the commandments...  But, I don't really do it with all my heart.  Maybe I am just not trying hard enough.  I am so tired though...  It is so much easier to just get by.  Perhaps I should listen to St. Paul when he says "And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily".

Family Day

Saturday, D and I spent the day with B as part of family weekend at his school.  We had a wonderful time and the day was over much too quickly.  He is such a great kid. I feel incredibly fortunate to be has Dad.  He walked us through his average day taking us to all his classrooms.  "I always sit in the front row because studies have shown that 70% of students that do so get higher grades" he said as he walked us around the campus.  "I am so proud of you" I said later as we ate lunch in the dining hall. 

The college sponsored a 5k Saturday morning and all that separated me from winning it was a very lean, 19 year old student that passed me right at the finish.  I was happy with second, but wish I had kicked it a couple hundred feet earlier.

Raising B

Wednesday morning, B called to tell me that he wanted to transfer from his current college to the local university that many of his friends attend.  He also told me that he was not making many friends and his new college girlfriend had allegedly gotten drunk, and slept with someone else.  I listened patiently with great empathy as he poured out his feelings.  When he finished, I told him that I would support whatever decision he made, but he should think about a few things.  Most importantly, he could not simply run away from all the problems he was dealing with at school.  If he did transfer, he would simply trade his current difficulties for new ones, as well as some old ones.  I also asked him to think about whether he was actively trying to make friends or was he simply relying on the cross country team for friendships (which was not going as well as he expected). 
When B first started high school, he hung out with a crowd of kids that were not highly motivated.  Over time, he built relationships with other kids, many of which were jocks and academics.  It was a painful process, but B persisted and now has a group of friends that are highly motivated and will likely succeed at whatever they choose to pursue.  Clearly he misses those friendships, but I reminded him that he was not in high school anymore.  He would have to make some effort to build new friendships.

He told me that he was going to talk with his coach and some friends and he would let me know what he had decided.

Yesterday I spoke with B and he told me he decided to stay and would not be transferring.  He had spoken with a high school friend who, like B, was attending a college some distance from home and was having  similar difficulties.  Unlike me (as B's father), his friend was brutally honest and said, "B, if you transfer just because you want to be with your friends, your a fucking moron".

Tomorrow we are going to B's school for parents weekend.  I can't wait to see him!

Rolling around

Saturday I took a friend to play Murderball at the local university.  He has cerebral palsy and is confined to a wheelchair.  I enjoyed watching the game and he definitely enjoyed playing, although he was very tired, sore and somewhat bruised by the end of the practice.  It was interesting hanging out with 20 or so people that move around via wheelchairs.  I immediately wanted to dive in and work as a volunteer.  I did help out with a few mechanical issues, but spent most of my time talking with a nice young lady from Connecticut.  She told me all about her life as a second generation Armenian.  Her sister has muscular dystrophy and has been in a wheel chair since she was a child.  She weighs all of 87 pounds but relentlessly smashed into the competitors wheelchairs with the best of them.

Random thoughts

This morning I am blatantely fucking off.  First I lazed around the house till 10:00, then I took the jeep to the coffee shop located in the college town a few minutes from my house.  Now I am sitting outside, drinking my latte, squinting my eyes in the bright sun trying to read my laptop screen.  It is homecoming weekend at the U, so the town is crawling with alumni.  I was lucky to get a table outside. 

B is coming home this weekend.  I hope we can do something together while he is here. I still miss him very much.  I am somewhat living vicariously through him, but he does not share a lot of details about school other then cross country. 

I wish I had attended college.  It would be nice to have a bit more knowledge, but mostly, I would have enjoyed the experience. I have friends, but I don't really "belong" to anything.  Unfortunately, I often abandon opportunities to "belong" to something when I become deeply depressed and my insecurities overpower rational thought. 

Now what?

It was a crisp clear Fall day and I had driven my jeep to the town square to see my good friend preach.  The church services are held in an historic church known for its spectacular, recently restored steeple.  The interior of the sanctuary is simple, but beautiful, free of all the gold, bronze and silver adornments many other churches display like so many trophies.  After an hour of singing and reading from the Good Book, my friend picked up the microphone and began his sermon.  "I'm going to ask a question, that for many of you, will change your lives."  The young preacher paused for a moment, scanning his audience.  Until recently, this young man had worked for me as computer technician.  Now he was living his dream of spreading the word of God.  He lowered the microphone and rubbed his hand across his closely cropped blond beard waiting for the tension to build.  He was a powerful speaker and had us on the edges of our seats waiting for the question.  He took a breath, and then with slow, but deliberate tones asked "What would you do, if you knew you couldn't fail?"  He paused then said  "I want you to write your answer down on the paper provided" he continued.  I was already writing as he continued on because I have always known my dream.  "Build a HOME for young adults in need"  I scrawled across the paper. 

So now it is written...

Life without kids

Friday night D and I went out to see the Mark Zuckerberg flick. I though it was pretty good.  I especially enjoyed posting "I am at the Facebook movie facebooking about being at the Facebook move".   Yesterday we closed up my in-laws camp then went to the fair to watch the huss pullin'.  Call me lame, but I enjoy watching men and woman compete in such pure and ancient sport.  This morning we hung out in bed for a bit watching Under the Tuscan Sun.  It reminded me that it is easy to forget where you are, when your focused  on where your going. D and I have been spending a lot of time together since B went off to college.

I have been finding and talking with old friends via social networking sites like FB and Linkedin.  It has been eye-opening to learn how my old friends have done over time; many I have not seen for thirty years or more.  Most are divorced and many have not had good luck career-wise.  When I compare my life against theirs, I feel incredibly fortunate.  Marrying D was the single best thing I have ever done in my life.  I can't imagine what my life would be like without her, though I suspect I would have more in common with my old friends.