Woulda, coulda, shoulda

Etta James is playing in the background as I write this posting from my favorite coffee shop. Her soulful voice reflects my somber mood as does the cold drizzly day. Even though I am feeling low, I am very fortunate to have people that I can commiserate with as I know many do not and they must process their emotions without the benefit of an empathatic ear.

I keep playing back all my decisions regarding J in my mind trying to ascertain if they were good ones. I know that if I had pushed him a little harder he would have completed his community service on time. If he had completed his community service, his previous lawyer (an excellent one) had agreed to represent during his recent brush with the law. But I felt that he had to make these decisions on his own than live with the consequences. But I never imagined that the consequences would be this severe.

D and I have been at each other lately. We are both very stressed about this situation as well as some other challenges we are dealing with. I am such a giving person but I have been struggling with finding time for my own wife lately. It is just easier to help other people sometimes.

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Go directly to jail, do not pass go

I cannot think of many things worse than looking at your son through a plate glass window while talking to him on a phone during a brief 30 minute visit at the jail that he will call home for the next five months at a minimum. His friend’s girlfriend accompanied me on the visit and I also was subjected to their flirtations and innuendo swirling around the obvious affair they were engaged in. The whole situation makes me ill. He clearly has no regard for the rules about not fucking your friend’s girlfriend although he clearly won't be doing any actual fucking for a while. This is just the icing on a huge friggin shit cake. Fuck me...

FML

I just watched the sheriff once again take my son into custody to transport him to the county jail. The first time this happened I felt the punishment was a good thing. It would help J to feel that he paid a price for what he had done, even if it was an accident. This time he was fucked over by himself for making some really bad decisions, but also by my stupid neighbor who thought it would be a good wake-up call, a vindictive prosecutor and an inept defender. And his Dad for not doing more…I should have forced him to do his community service so that his old lawyer, (a very good one) would have represented him. I should have talked to the neighbors and been more forceful in my belief that they should not file charges; that we could work it out amongst ourselves. I should not have been so fucking depressed and selfish when J was young and been a better Dad. I am stunned at the sentence as his is previous lawyer. 8 months in jail, 200 hours of community service, a 12 month suspended sentence and a felony record for just walking into my neighbors house looking for a couple of bucks. He was wrong…. He violated their trust and the sanctity of their home. But does he deserve 8 months and a felony record? He didn’t even take anything! Fuck me…

Are liberals inherently dishonest?

Today as I was driving into work I noticed a bumper sticker that read "Liberals Lie". Seeing that sticker pissed me off for a variety of reasons and I don't consider myself a liberal. It is people like the driver of that car that are ruining this country. I don't have a problem with the sticker that reads "Question Authority" because I think we should question those in power and hold them accountable. But branding all liberals as liars? That is hurtful, mean spirited and divisive. I immediately wanted to confront the driver of the vehicle to ask him why he would act in such an offensive manner. I then stopped to reflect on my thoughts. "Anger will not help the situation" I said to myself as I relaxed a bit and refocused on driving. I am not sure what one can do to change this kind of behavior but if we don’t try to bring this country together we will remain polarized.

Teach a pig not to sing?

I have been studying the Four Noble Truths of the Buddhist faith and I have found them to be simple, yet powerful. Since I began embracing some of these teachings I have become more relaxed and able to focus my energy on important goals while letting go of some of the small things. Last night I skipped drill with the cadet group and had dinner at home with D and B. Later I actually went downstairs to my office and got some work done instead of spacing out in Clickerville!

With knowledge come decisions, sometimes difficult ones. The second Noble Truth essentially says that suffering is due to ones attachment to transient things. Now that I am reflecting more on my thoughts I see that when I am out and about I spend a lot of time thinking about whatever attractive woman happens to catch my eye. I steal furtive glances at her as well as attempt to make eye contact in some cases. Depending on how she responds this thought process often includes some notion that I could be intimate with this woman, maybe even start a life with her, but always ends with the realization that I am an idiot and I just wasted a lot of brain power stuck in the primordial cave of my club-wielding ancestors. I love my wife and I would never trade a few moments of sloppy sex for a lifetime of guilt. So now that I know that this attachment is stupid and pointless, how do I rewire my brain so that when I encounter an attractive woman I can appreciate her beauty for what it is and not get swept up in man’s ancient instinct to procreate?

Self esteem

I am a good person; why do I often feel otherwise? I was perusing my high school alumni website last night as I was suddenly interested in reaching out to people I have not seen in 30 years or more. I want them to see that I came out ok; that I am not the loser that I was back when they knew me. But why is this important? I know who I am and where I have come from. I guess it boils down to how I feel about myself and no amount of external validation will significantly influence my core feelings about myself.

Last night I made a delicious supper for D and B and this morning I made a fabulous omelet for B. When my spirits are high, I enjoy so many things so much more.

Money

I continue to ignore some very serious financial challenges that I will eventually have to address. Making matters worse, is the knowledge that my procrastination is exacerbating the problem and increasing the cost of the resolution. Among other things, I specifically have to file and pay back taxes for a couple of years I missed. I set a goal of doing one per month but I have a difficult time sitting down with the paperwork at home. Clickerville is much more appealing. I need to get this done though. I also need to start saving for B's college education that starts next year. Thankfully he just changed his school preference to a state college saving us about 15k per year. Finally, I need to work more. I have ample opportunity, but little motivation.

Perspective

I looked down at my speedometer to see that we were barely doing 30 in a 35 mph zone.  I was enroute to work and had no patience for inept drivers that couldn't or wouldn't keep up with traffic.  I could feel my blood pressure rising as we crawled along.  "I wonder what she will do in the 50 mph zone?" I thought to myself.  As we approached the higher speed zone I began to think about the upcoming passing zone but a car separated me from the slower driver making any attempt to pass both dangerous and foolish.  As I scanned the road ahead considering my options, I began to remember that we would soon be passing by the location where J's life took an unfortunate tragic turn.  "What the fuck is the matter with me" I muttered to myself.  I relaxed my foot on the gas pedal and slumped back in my seat.  I am getting better at controlling my anxiety but I still need to work on relaxing and letting the little things go.

The little things

I looked down at my speedometer to see that we were barely doing 30 in a 35 mph zone. I was driving to work and had no patience for inept drivers that couldn't or wouldn't keep up with traffic. I could feel my blood pressure rising as we crawled along. "I wonder what she will do in the 50 mph zone" I thought to myself. As we approached the higher speed zone I began to think about the upcoming passing area but a car separated me from the slower driver making any attempt to pass both dangerous and foolish. As I impatiently scanned the road ahead considering my options, I began to remember that we would soon be passing by the location where J's life took an unfortunate tragic turn. "What the fuck is the matter with me" I muttered to myself. I relaxed my foot on the gas pedal and slumped back in my seat. I am getting better at controlling my anxiety but I still need to work on relaxing and letting the little things go.

Fall is fair time

It is a crisp fall day in the town square. The leaves are starting to change and everyone is wearing jackets although I am still wearing shorts and my sandals though.

I took one of the kids from the adolescent home to the local fair this past Sunday. He is known as the most difficult resident there, but we had a great day with no problems. He respects my boundaries for the most part and we have a good rapport.