Make a difference

Recently I was asked why I like working with adolescents. “I want to help kid’s live happy and fulfilled lives” I replied. I believe when a child grows up in a stressful environment their brain develops in such a way that happiness becomes elusive; like in my case.

Last night I was talking with my 1st Sgt. and he was thanking me for dinner and all the advice I give him. I laughed and said that with my advice and $4.86 he could get a latte at Starbucks. He went on to say that he often thinks of me during the day when making decisions asking himself what I would do in his place. I told him I was flattered and said "kind of like WWDD or What Would D Do?"

I am pretty happy today. I wonder if it has anything to do with my making a difference in the life of a child?

Lotsa snow coming

Today I am in a great mood! I feel energetic, motivated and ready for the day. I suspect my mood is at least partially due to the second hit of Adderall I took yesterday afternoon. I know amphetamine is only supposed to work for six to eight hours, but I believe there is some residual benefit that can last longer.

We are expecting 15" inches of snow today. I sorely miss my jeep and its plow as snow blowing is incredibly time consuming. The transmission rebuild is underway but with a $500 price tag I am not in a rush.

Friday night the cadets are coming over to my house for a day of winter survival training. I am looking forward to this weekend although it has been pretty stressful preparing for it. We will be sleeping outside and the forecast is calling for temps in the single digits. Oorah!!!

Another coffe shop

Today I am sitting in a quaint little coffee shop in a small town near Portland ME. We are here for B's track meet. The latte is not the best I have had but the atmosphere is cozy.

D is back from FL and we are getting back to our normal routines. It is good to have her home.

Yesterday I took my sled out for the first time. It ran great, but I think I have to replace the rear spring and shock. I just discovered that J is not allowed to legally operate a snowmobile because of his suspended license. I need to find out more detail on this law; specifically what the consequences are if he is caught operating the snowmobile while his license is suspended.

Family genes and I don't mean Levis

Last night I went to visit my sister in the hospital. She checked herself in due to severe depression and anxiety. R is a wounded soul that suffered a traumatic experience when she was very young from which she never fully recovered. She has been medicated and under the care of a psychiatrist for the past twenty years. This is not the first time she has visited the hospital for psychiatric care, but it was the first time she called me from the hospital to tell me she was there. Previously she would tell me about her visit after she left. During our visit I tried very hard to make the conversation interactive which worked reasonably well. I also focused on helping her to identify the primary causes of her anxiety and ways she could reduce some of the stress in her life. As I listened to myself speak I realized that I needed to take my own advice and work on the issues that created stress and anxiety in my life. I need to spend less time in Clickerville and more time working towards completion of my goals.

Wicked cold

When B and I took A for her walk this morning the digital thermometer displayed 1.8 degrees. Luckily there was little to no wind.

This morning I am in a good mood. I have to believe this is due to the Lexapro and Adderall. I hate taking medication but I hate being depressed more. I have the cadet group tonight and the adolescent home tomorrow night. I definately look forward to the end of the week.

Fender bender

Apparently B got into a minor car accident at school today. I don't know all the details as he left me a message but he indicated that he slid on some ice when parking and ran into another student’s car. Everyone is ok. Hopefully there is not much damage to the vehicles.

My mood continues to be “ok” which I guess is better than “foul”. I am still spending way too much time in Clickerville but I am enjoying it less so I hope to make better use of my time soon.

Cell phone etiquette

For the first time in a long time I overslept. B woke me up at 6:00. When we left to walk A a few minutes later, the thermometer displayed 7 degrees.

As usual, I am writing this post from the coffee shop. Currently there is a woman sitting across from me talking quietly on her cell and a man sitting next to me talking loudly on his cell. He even ordered his coffee without ending his call which I find rude. I think people should be able to talk on their cell phones wherever they choose even in public places as long as they are not disturbing the people around them. After all, it is completely acceptable to talk with someone in person so what is the difference? But when someone is talking loudly on their cell I find it incredibly annoying.

More shoveling

I had a reasonably productive day yesterday. D, B and I shoveled and snow blowed the driveway and walkways. Following, B and I did a little carpentry work repairing a DVD storage rack. After that I worked on my sled and discovered it is in need of some major repairs. This is the precise reason I did not want to buy a sled in the first place.

I have been in a reasonable mood but it is too early to judge the effectiveness of the increased dosage of Lexapro.

Decent day

I am in good spirits today. This morning I went to the gym with B and D. Afterwards, D and I went into town for some errands. This afternoon I am going to Boston with J to see a car show. I am happy to be spending time with the family today.

Last night a spent a few hours with the kids at the adolescent home. We went to a video arcade and I am starting to become familiar with some of the kids. I was somewhat nervous prior to arriving but by the end of the night I felt very comfortable. The girls will be the most challenging. They are very needy and constantly looking for attention.

I am becoming increasingly nervous about the economy. If I were to lose my one large client I would likely lose my house. I need to redouble my efforts to find new business.

Forward in time

Last night I drilled with the cadets. We have not had many drills in the past 30 days other than holiday parties, so it was nice to get back into a routine. I have been neglecting my responsibilities relative to the program. I need to spend more time on administrative tasks outside of drill.

Tonight will be my first time volunteering at the adolescent home. I am a little anxious but very excited about working with the kids.

Lately I have been thinking that I need to spend more time actively engaged with my own family. I wish I could go forward in time and meet myself in the future so we could discuss how I squandered so much time that could have been spent being a better dad and husband.

More snow

Yesterday we received about 4" of mixed precipitation that froze during the night. Cleaning the mixture off my Celica was a pain in the butt. This morning I explained to D how to use the new snow blower. When I left for work, she was busy snow blowing the mess I left in the driveway when I cleaned off my car.

Drugged up

Today I feel much better than the past few days. After meeting with my Doc, we decided to stay with the Lexapro but increase the dose. I will also take Adderall when needed. It is hard to believe that I went so long with no medication at all and now I am taking two to keep my head above water. Hopefully I will get back to the med-free zone soon.

Friday I start volunteering at the adolescent home. I am excited about working with the kids but really nervous about what to expect. I have never dealt with kids that have criminal backgrounds and I am not sure what to expect.

Brain versus heart

I can feel myself sinking into a dark depression. I stopped the Lexapro for a couple of days because I didn’t think it was working but I took it again today along with a hit of Adderall. I see my Doc on Monday and I expect we will switch to something else. There are no external events triggering this bout of melancholy so I can’t imagine how I would feel if I am faced with some type of extreme hardship.

I am writing this post from the indoor track of the local university. I am very anxious when I attend B’s track meets as I come face to face with people from town. I was not very bothered by this interaction before, but ever since the couple moved away from me while at the sports banquet I have been very uncomfortable when mixing with the local townspeople. My brain tells me that they were not trying to distance themselves from me, but my heart tells me that they do not want to be seen with the father of the kid that killed their neighbor in the automobile accident.

I am going to attempt to write a book about my life. It will be based on my experiences with a fair amount of fiction mixed in. This should be an interesting endeavor for someone with my limited education. Following is an excerpt:

We gathered around J as he lay in the hospital bed. He had cuts and bruises on his face and body but the ER doc said that he would be ok. ‘He may have a mild concussion so we are sending him for a cat scan just to be safe” said the soft-spoken physician peering through designer glasses with square black frames. We knew there were two other drivers involved in the accident and apparently one had suffered significant injuries when he was ejected from the vehicle. “So you don’t remember anything” I asked J? “No Dad” he replied. “I remember leaving work and the next thing I remember was seeing you arrive at the accident as the firemen were taking me out of the car”. Suddenly from out in the hall, just outside our door we could hear the bone-chilling scream of what sounded like a young girl. We all looked at each other in horror but no one spoke a word. We knew it must be the daughter of one of the other victims. We know suspected that someone had died in the accident but did not know for sure. We sat there in silence as the girl continued to scream and sob. I looked at J with concern and he had a mortified look on his face. “Why would they tell her right here?” I said to myself. I knew that we would all remember this moment for the rest of our lives.

I hate what I want...

I WANT to be in Clickerville...apparently. Today I watched five hours of the show Axe Men and a couple of movies. Axe Men is a reality show about loggers working in the Northwest. Last night a watched three movies including Poison Ivy with Drew Barrymore, Sara Gilbert and Tom Skerrit. My shrink wants me to keep track of what I watch so we can discusss what shows and movies I enjoy. He thinks this may help me to figure out how to find joy in my life again. I think it will just take the right fucking drug which is apparently not Lexapro.

I am setting a horrible example for my son... I feel like a fucking loser...

I used to WANT to go to work, do chores at home, spend time with my family and countless other things instead of watching TV. I want to change what I want. I should not want to waste my life away in Clickerville.

On the flip side, I had another meeting with the home for adolescent kids today and I will finally start working with the kids next Friday. I am excited about this opportunity and I hope it helps me find some motivation in my life. And, I made my way to work and I am at least earning some money. Although, I am watching Last Tango in Paris while I rebuild some computers.