Bright Sun

This morning I am sitting outside the coffee shop basking in the brilliant sunshine of a warm spring morning. Yet, when I walked the dog with J this morning there was a coating of frost on the vehicles and front lawn. That means that all the retailers that left their annuals outside will have to either throw them away or sell flowers they know will be dead in a week.

I have started to reduce my anti-depressant in effort to determine if it is the cause of the sores in my mouth. I have an appointment with my shrink tomorrow to discuss how I can work through this period without returning to my previous depressive state.

I can already feel some of my motivation slipping away and some irritability returning. I wonder if thirty days from now I will continue to be content or back to feeling miserable.

No Kids

B made it to France safely and I miss him already. He sent an email to us in which he said he missed us :-( I have been corresponding with his host family and they seem very nice. I am sure he will have a wonderful time. D and I are getting a taste of life without kids and while I like the freedom I also miss the pitter patter of size 13 Nikes running down the hall. J is still home with us but he is generally not home.

Last week I spoke to the Executive Director of a local adolescent home. We discussed my interest in volunteering at the group home and after learning about my history of working with kids she was very enthusiastic about the idea. I sorely miss working with the cadet group and am very excited at the prospect of working with troubled kids. I can’t wait to get started!

Over the past few years, I have been watching from the sidelines as my neighbor (H) commits suicide by abusing alcohol and drugs. I rarely gave his situation more than a passing thought telling myself that he was a "big boy" and could take care of himself. Last night, for no apparent reason, I decided I would try to help him. I plan to contact AA and I hope to rally some additional support for my cause. I was told that his insurance company would pay for a detox program but he had to demonstrate a commitment to stay sober. H is clearly depressed and has given up all desire to live. I know what that feels like and if it wasn't for my wife I would likely be dead. I don't know if I can help H but it is worth a try

Four Shots

Today I dropped my car off at a repair shop so I am visiting another Starbucks location. The girl who took my order for a triple-venti-no whipped-mocha suggested that I add a fourth shot as the drink would taste better and they throw the fourth away anyway. I agreed but thought it a bit odd considering I have had about three zillion of these latte's and have never heard this before. The store is surprisingly busy considering it is located near some outlet malls that don't open till later in the morning.

Yesterday afternoon I was in a pissy mood. I picked up B after school than made supper for the kids. Retreating to Clickerville after I cleaned the kitchen I wasted the rest of the night watching Sex in the City and The Sopranos. I must be a bit schizophrenic considering the stark contrast between the shows but I enjoy both of them.

During the day I make plans to spend my evenings constructively but they rarely seem to work out. I have to find some way to get more energy in the evening. One day I will be lying on my deathbed wishing I had not wasted so much time in Clickerville.

Daddy's Girls

There is a gentleman that I often see in the morning outside the coffee shop. He is a bit disheveled, always with a cigarette in his hand and appears to be down in his luck. He waits for the bus and always has two little girls with him. The youngsters appear to be around four or five and are very cute with pretty blond curls. Today they are running around the bus stop coming dangerously close to the street. As I considered whether I should do something, he grabs the girls somewhat roughly. As I stare out the window I can see that he is angrily scolding them for their behavior. The girls hang their heads obviously hurt by what he said and the manner in which he said it. While I was upset with the way he handled the situation, I realized that he was likely doing the best and the girls were likely lucky to be with their Dad.

Yard Work

I spent most of the weekend in the yard cleaning, raking and fertilizing. While the results are satisfying I can't help but think how meaningless the effort was when compared to other ways I could have spent my time. In other words, did I make a difference in the world? We get up in the morning with goals that are seemingly significant but pale in comparison to what could have been possible. Joe Walsh said it well; "Pick up the dog poop and hope that it’s hard."

As a consumer society we are distracted from what is truly important and conditioned to create situations wherein we line the pockets of wealthy executives. Lawns, pools and cars are great examples of the manner in which we dole out hard-earned cash from our wallets into the bonus checks of those that need it least. And what benefit to we get from this sacrifice? My lawn is greener with less grubs than my neighbors. Whoop-dee-doo... Well, based on what I spent this weekend, there is some rich dude on Home Depot’s executive staff that won't be going hungry anytime soon.

Has the Ride Stopped?

Yesterday J called me from school to tell me that he had been suspended for two days. My pulse quickened and I could feel waves of anxiety sweeping over me. He told me that it had something to do with the false fire alarm from the previous day but he couldn't talk and would call me later. As I hung up the phone my mind raced considering all the implications of what I had just heard.

I found it hard to believe that J had actually pulled the alarm but nevertheless, I began to panic thinking about how people in town would regard us when they learned about his latest alleged transgression. But I have been expecting this new crisis; life has been too good lately so the ride must be over. I tried reaching someone at the school to get more details on the suspension but could not get anyone on the phone. I sat in front of my computer, my head in my hands contemplating what to do next. My phone began to vibrate displaying the school number on the caller ID. My hand was shaking as I answered the phone, "This is Dirk". The caller replied "This is Ms Smith from the High School". "I am calling to notify you that J was suspended for two days for talking on his cell phone and swearing at a teacher when asked to put it away. This occurred yesterday during the false fire alarm". We discussed the incident in more detail and after thanking the principle for the call, I hung up the phone.

As I leaned back in my chair clasping my hands behind my head I smiled broadly. The panic had subsided and I felt a tremendous sense of relief. "He only swore at a teacher" I said out loud.

Drinking & Running

Last night I went out for drinks with a couple of friends. Early in the evening, I realized that I no longer enjoyed drinking just to feel "better". In the past I would look to a good night out as a way to run away from my depression but now that I feel better, heavy drinking is no longer interesting. I did like playing tabletop shuffleboard though.

B had a meet Tuesday and he placed dead last in his event. While it was gut-wrenching to watch, B's first response when I approached him after the race was "that was my personal best". He is such a great kid... Yesterday we bought him orthotics and we are hoping the improved arch support will improve his running.

Following is an update on my life goals:

B Improve relationship with oldest son J
C Clean up yard
F Learn song to give D for anniversary
C Stop wasting time on TV
D Read more
C Write more
F Play guitar more
D Unpaid taxes
A Finish stairs
F Rebuild jeep top
D Meditate

From Humble Beginnings

Today I sat at one of the sidewalk tables outside the coffee shop. It almost feels like an average summer morning. The square is quieter than usual considering how nice the weather is. I also wore my first short-sleeved shirt of the year. I look forward to the upcoming summer season and I am especially excited to spend two weeks at Sebago Lake.

The home front has been remarkably quiet. J has been in good spirits which has a calming effect on the house.

I went into the Goodwill store the other day to purchase some silverware for one of my clients. The employees use regular silverware for their lunches and the fork collection was sparse. B was with me and as we waited in line he whispered to me "I can't wait to get out of here". I was surprised at his elitist attitude and told him so as we walked to the car. "Don't ever forget your roots" I said. "I was 17 when I moved into my first apartment. It was half a block from the projects, infested with cock roaches, surrounded by drug dealers and the toilet froze solid in the winter. "Just because someone is down on their luck does not make them a bad person".

I remember vividly what it feels like to be "poor". But I had a roof over my head, food on my table and good friends I could count on. I was as happy then as I am today.

Alcohol

Last night I went out with a couple of friends. I had three beers while one of my friends had twice as many. He also told me that he drinks 40 beers on an average weekend. I am deeply saddened when I see people's lives torn apart by drugs and alcohol.

My mental faculties have been a bit slow as of late. I cannot remember simple things and my thought process has been slow and muddled. I often wonder if I will experience a decline in my cognitive abilities that will prevent me from working till retirement as an IT consultant. I have already decided that I will do light tractor work after I retire but I am hoping to see a steady increase in my income as I build my pre-retirement business.

Posts from the Ocean

Today I am writing this post while basking in the brilliant sunshine at the edge of the Atlantic Ocean. I watch as the sea repeatedly thrusts itself upon the broken rocks, tearing away bits of shattered stone as it retreats back to the depths from whence it came.

Last night a friend invited me to a men’s meeting at his church featuring former NFL player Don Davis as the keynote speaker. Overall I enjoyed the evening but I became increasingly uncomfortable later in the meeting. I began to feel guilty about my "sins" of commission and omission. "I don't believe in God" I kept reminding myself. I can remember a time when I not only believed in God but spent a great deal of time devoted to his word. However, at that point in my life when I was professing my faith in the Almighty through word and works, I was more depressed than ever before. Finally I left the church, turned my back on my religious beliefs and decided I would put my faith into my own abilities. I am now happy and reasonably satisfied with my life. If I am going to Hell because I don't embrace some particular religious dogma, then so be it. However, having said that, I am concerned that I feel guilt as a result of my “sins”. Perhaps I do believe in a creator that will one day judge me for the manner in which I have used the gifts he bestowed upon me. Life is easier as a non-believer. But the path to salvation is not meant to be easy; or so they say. Clearly I am confused and I need to carefully consider the very foundations of my belief system.

A Beautiful Spring Day

The sun is bright and warm today. The snow is almost gone and today’s temperature is expected to exceed 60 degrees. While I have enjoyed the snow this winter I am ready for warmer weather.

My mood is exceptionally good today. I am making reasonable progress achieving my life goals. I have been meditating a bit in the morning and I seem to have a bit more energy as a result. I continue to fail miserably in my effort to watch less TV. I have not even started compiling my tax related information which means I will have to sacrifice weekend time to do so. When I arrive home at night I continue to head straight for Clickerville. Hiring someone to finish installing the new staircase moved me up to an A on that goal. Here are this weeks grades:

A Improve relationship with oldest son J
F Learn song to give D for anniversary
F Gift pack for nephew in Iraq
D Stop wasting time on TV
C Read more
C Write more
F Play guitar more
C Unpaid taxes
A Finish stairs
D Rebuild jeep top
F AnomonA
B Meditate

Typical Male

Sitting in the coffee shop many people walk by me in their quest for caffeine. Like most other males I have a habit of looking at most women that come within eyesight. I hate the superficial way that I continue to look at a woman if she is physically attractive and turn away from those that are not. I know that these preferences result from years of conditioning from ad agencies and society in general, but I still dislike how they make me feel.

It is all really quite ridiculous. I have the best wife in the world; I will never actually sleep with any other woman attractive or not, and at a certain age, all breasts and buttocks share similar characteristics. Even as I write this posting I cannot look away when a nice ass passes by. I wonder if other men see this behavior as wrong and if so, how do they feel about it. Maybe I can't or even shouldn't change it.

Man's desire for healthy, attractive woman with large breasts more than likely dates back to primordial times. Who am I to stand in the way of evolution? As I consider the importance of this issue to me, maybe I should not be so judgmental as I may overlook a smart, witty, fun-loving woman that never made it onto the cover of Glamour Magazine. She may be my new best friend. Although, married men cannot have a female best friend, right? I will save that topic for another time.