Fun with Son

It was a cold walk this morning; A and I went solo because B was enjoying his vacation by sleeping in. It is not as much fun talking with A because she just wags her tail when I speak to her and she doesn't get my sense of humour.

I almost broke with tradition today by updating my blog at home instead of the coffee shop. I was planning on going in late because D wanted me to drop her off at work. We were going to dinner later and she liked to take one car when possible. However, D needed more time to get ready so she told me to go to work and we would just take our own cars to dinner. So here I sit in my comfy chair by the front window enjoying my triple-venti-no-whipped-mocha while updating my blog on my little pocket notebook. Unfortunately, I lost my little smartphone while snowmobiling so I am relegated to the old fashioned pen and paper. Writing is especially difficult because I have carpal tunnel or something like that from working the throttle on the snowmobile.

J and I left Friday evening and arrived at our friend’s house around 8:00. We hung out for the night then went off sledding first thing in the morning. We returned home for a great dinner and pretty much repeated that sledding/dinner process for the next couple of days. The conditions were great, the company fabulous, the food was superb and we had a great time.

The only downside to the weekend was two unfortunate events that were insignificant in nature but embarrassing for J. Saturday, J flipped a sled while fooling around on a lake; he and the sled are fine but his ego was severely bruised. Tuesday morning at breakfast (my famous crepes), he broke a kitchen chair simply by leaning over to pat the dog. Both incidents were completely accidental but I could see that J took them hard. It reminded me of when he used to play sports and I would pray frantically and cross all my fingers and toes hoping that he would sink the shot or hit the ball. When he missed, I would curse God and deny his existence. How could a loving God treat my son so harshly? I would stand there with my shoulders slumped, my chin in my hands and a look of sadness on my face as I watched him endure the pain and disappointment life so often throws at us. I felt those feelings again this weekend but I am content knowing that I am at least with him while he learns about life’s hardships.

Dad's and Mom's

I am somewhat envious of a fellow blogger that is experiencing a high degree of sadness and grief following the passing of his mother. I can feel the pain and despair in his writing and I empathize with the hardship that he is experiencing.

My envy stems from the poor relationship I had with my Mom. The blogger I am speaking of was fortunate to have such a loving relationship with his Mom. I did not love my Mom and I was pretty emotionless when she passed. She was only this person in my life that occasionally performed motherly functions. Following years of therapy I have forgiven her and I bear no significant ill will towards her. She was a product of a difficult life and she did the best she could.

I often wonder how my older son will regard me in later years. I try hard to be a good Dad now but we went through some difficult times where I was less caring, patient and tolerant than I should have been. Will he recognize that I did my best?

Writing for Whom?

I continue to work diligently and purposefully on my life goals. The bank has given us a tentative approval on our mortgage refinance and I can use the surplus cash to solve many of our financial obligations.

I am growing more excited in anticipation of the upcoming snowmobile trip with J. It is a great opportunity to spend some time with my son and to visit with an old friend. I also enjoy zipping around on my friends powerful sleds.

I visit another blog regularly written by a college professor that is struggling with grief and sadness resulting from the loss of his Mom, whom he loved dearly. I can genuinely feel the sadness in his words and I am often moved by his writings. He recently expressed reluctance to fully share his feelings because some readers apparently didn’t want to hear all his negativity. I left a comment on his blog encouraging him to write for himself. I continue to struggle with writing what appeals to me versus what might interest my few readers. I find that writing when I am upbeat and happy is much more difficult then when I am depressed.

More Snow

Yesterday we awoke to 6" of snow on the ground and a hard driving rain was falling from the sky. I decided not to plow the driveway until after the rain stopped because if the temperature fell, and the rain turned back to snow, we could be left with a thick coating of ice on the driveway that could remain till spring.

This morning, while we were walking the dog, B and I discussed my future as a grandfather. I am very comfortable with this topic as I look forward to helping my boys raise their kids. However, it is somewhat strange because in some ways I still feel like a 17 year old. The notion of someone calling me Grandpa seems almost comical.

I am determined to focus on improving my relationship with J. I really struggle to do this at home as I tend to be aloof and unforgiving. I need to work through this as I know he sees my attitude and it is not good for our relationship. In a couple of weeks we are heading up north for three days of snowmobiling. This will be a good opportunity to spend some quality time together.

To D

Who would have thought, in a dark and hazy bar,that you and I would find love
I, the arrogant, selfish one that liked to live on the edge, the product of a broken home
You were quiet, reserved, a good girl from a good family
Over the next 10 years we learned how to tolerate each other
Over the last 10, we learned how to love each other
Not so long ago, deep in the depths of despair and melancholy, I tested our love
Past what was reasonable
Past what was fair
Past what I deserved
Yet, you stayed by my side
You never left
I did not, and do not deserve you
But I do love and cherish you
I will never forget your faith in our love
I will always remember your patience and compassion

I used to wonder what it felt like to be in love

Now I know

From the depths of my heart

I Love You

Happy Valentines Day!

Cold Winter Day

This morning it is quiet in the coffee shop, perhaps due to the sub-zero temperature outside. I am once again settled into the comfy chair by the front window. The warmth of the morning sun shining through the squeaky clean window gives one false hope that is immediately shattered upon stepping out the door into the bitter cold and icy wind. It is becoming more crowded though as many of the bus riders have sought refuge in the comfortable interior of the coffee shop.

Saturday I spent most of the day with J working on the jeep. It was a rather unproductive day as the jeep is still not repaired but J and I had a good day. We talked quite a bit and he is becoming more interested in attending tech school following his graduation from High School.

B and I spoke yesterday and we discussed the events from Friday. He was clearly upset with himself and his apology was sincere. We ended the discussion with a strong, emotional embrace patting each other on the back. This morning we walked the dog as usual discussing various topics thru balaclava covered mouths.

Following is today's grades covering progress on my life goals:

Improve relationship with J - C
Learn song to give D for anniversary – F
Spend more time with D - C
Stop wasting time on TV - F
Read more - D
Write more - D
Play guitar more - F
Refinance house - B
Rebuild jeep top - C
AnomonA - F

Tough Morning

Last night was difficult. B once again failed to pick up some clothing and other items I had previously spoken to him about. I reminded him again in slightly harsher tones. Later I discovered he still had not picked up all the items. I called him down from his room and told him somewhat angrily that I was very disappointed in his behavior. I had previously threatened to take away his Xbox but I hate to punish him. Generally we can resolve issues in a more mature manner. "What do you think I should do?" I asked him. "Your backing me into a corner" I continued. He replied "you’re the Father, not me" in a belligerent voice that shocked me. We have a great relationship and he is generally very respectful. "Put your Xbox in my room" I muttered thru clenched teeth. Later I stopped him in the hall. "What is going on Brandon" I asked. He replied that nothing was wrong and walked away.

This morning I woke up 30 minutes late due to cold medicine I had taken before I went to bed. I stumbled into B's bedroom having forgotten the argument from the previous evening. "Time to get up" I said as I shook him gently. "We are running late". He stood up sleepily and we embraced in our morning hug as usual. I went back to my room to get dressed. Following I went downstairs to make breakfast. Later, as B was drinking the strawberry banana smoothie I had whipped up for him I asked "do you want to talk about last night?". He shook his head no. After I cleaned up the kitchen I grabbed my bags and walked over to J and kissed him good bye. I then walked over to B saying "good bye" but he did not reply and turned his head and walked away. I was crushed and angry. B had never treated me like this. I was walking in unfamiliar territory and unsure what I should do. I turned and started walking down the stairs. I yelled back "I just made your breakfast asshole". Then as I was lacing up my boots at the bottom of the stairs I added "thanks for ruining my day". Probably not the best response…

Yesterday my blood pressure was 143 over 90. I can't imagine what it is today.