Good Weekend

I worked Saturday, took the dog to the beach with D on Sunday morning, and completed chores on Sunday including starting the rebuild of my jeep hardtop. I have been feeling pretty good the last week or so but I am always cognizant of the imminent shoe droppage that will happen anytime. Work is really busy with two large significant projects. I think this helps keep my mind occupied.

Recently a gentlemen for a vendor came in to talk to us about their offering. I was super impressed with his command of the English language. I would really like to improve my ability to communicate. I should consider how I might do this. Blogging certainly helps as I try to write succinctly yet clearly.

The coffee shop I sit in this morning is not my usual one. I have a call in the college town north of my home so I deviate from my normal routine. Two scholarly-looking gentlemen are sitting at tables drinking coffee while reading and writing. One of them seems more intent on writing on his yellow lined pad while the other thumbs through a copy of Physics Today. It is raining outside so I am relegated to an inside perch although it is one of the best, right in front of the large glass window. Music that sounds like a mixture of George Winston, Abba and Joni Mitchell is irritating the hell out of me. The coffee is mediocre at best but my morning glory muffin is very good.

Last night my very good friend was hosting a party that I did not attend. He sent me a couple of texts asking if I was coming that I did not receive until this morning. Instead I stayed home in Clickerville wasting time away. I considered going but apparently the opportunity did not generate enough "reward" chemicals in my dysfunctional brain. I remember feeling uncomfortable at his last party and while consciously, I desired the human interaction, I was once again drawn to the vacuous dribble that temporarily relieved my tortured mind from the pain of reality and responsibility.

Autumnal Wind

Last night the full moon signaled an end to the unusually warm weather we have enjoyed lately. This morning we were greeted with brilliant sunshine lighting up the frost covered blades of grass in my yard. I decided to celebrate the abrupt change in season with a visit to the city square to indulge in my favorite caffeinated cocoa. I first procured a bran muffin from the bakery down the street from the coffee shop and was surprised to discover that they had changed the recipe. Their bran muffins used to have a very unusual consistency that tasted very wholesome. Now they were much like the muffins you might find at the grocery store. From their I went to the coffee shop and ordered my usual beverage.

As I sat outside I noticed some of the drifter-types had already begin to gather in the square, smoking and sharing their cigarettes, greeting each other with their signature handshake. I was starting to distinguish between them and noted that there was one gentlemen in particular that was present every time that I had visited. He had a suitcase and backpack on the ground next to the bench he sat upon and appeared to be somewhat of a leader in the group.

This morning B had a major fight with his girlfriend and did not go to school until 10:00 or so. I tried to get him to let me take him to school but he insisted that his girlfriend was taking him. I am very worried about his ability to complete this year with the grades required to graduate. He does not have the motivation that he should and requires constant prodding to keep up with his work. I am becoming increasingly concerned that he will struggle in the workplace when he completes school and I am gently pushing him towards joining the Navy. I think it would help him to develop the confidence and self discipline that will help him succeed in whatever career he chooses.

More seratonin, less blogging

Historically I have written less in my blog when I start to feel better. Now that my mood is improving, I have less interest in writing. However, I plan to reverse this trend because I think it is important to capture my thoughts and emotions while I am enjoying better moods.

I know it is early but I am starting to grow optimistic about this new medicine. My recent mood improvement may be due to a steady dose of caffeine but time will tell.

I am not sure how many people read my blog but I would really like to hear comments and critiques of my writing style. I have no formal education and I simply write like I spea. I would like to write better and would appreciate your commentary.

Therapy Today

So we are back to talking about my relationship with my Mom (yawnnnnnnnnn). While I don't really see the point, (I have forgiven her and accepted that she did the best she could) he is the professional and I am not; or so it would seem. We will continue to increase the dosage of the Lamictal and I am hopeful I will see some benefit soon.

I was out last night with some friends celebrating an upcoming marriage. The groom is very independant, while the bride is very controlling. It will be interesting to see how this unfolds. Hopefully they will learn the art of compromise.

Life does not totally suck today so I guess that is a good think. I am concerned that when I find myself in a situation prompting laughter, I hold back. WTF... I have to learn to let go. I wonder if my subconscious is growing comfortable with my depression and rebelling against my efforts to get better? Freud probably has something to say about that.

Love my Latte

Yesterday was an absolutely gorgeous day. It was 80 degrees out, over 30 degrees higher then the average temperature for this time of year. I drove downtown in the topless jeep after my lunch workout and enjoyed both a sandwich and latte in the brilliant sunshine. As I sat at the table outside the coffee shop, I could feel the sun warming my legs almost to the point of discomfort. Small droplets of sweat beaded on my forhead as I sipped my Venti Mocha. The old church across the street rang out two clangs of the bell signifying the 2:00 hour. The flags lay limp from their poles on this very unusual windless day. The Harleys were all lined up in front of the other coffee shop and occassionally one or two would depart in a thunderous roar of unbaffled exhaust pipes. My wondering eye noted many of the woman wearing sundresses typically reserved for the hot summer months.

The entire downtown bustled with tourists, business people out for lunch and the usual groups of drifter type folks. One of the drifter-types walked away from the group loudly cursing them them with no apparent regard to the eclectic collection of people including young children walking through and sitting in the area . I could see bags and suitcases close by the group and wondered if they were homeless. Maybe they stayed at the homeless shelter at night and lounged downtown during the day. They were all fairly young; average age seemed to be 20 to 30. Cries of "Waddup" greeted all that approached the growing crowd. Most chain smoked cigarettes and many clutched bottles of soda in their hands. They were all fairly clean and many dressed in a hip-hop style with neckerchiefs on their heads covered with a hat turned sideways wearing jerseys with the names of famous athletes. They seemed to be comfortable relaxing in the square in front of the bus stop. I considered my propensity to hang out here drinking my lattes and wondered if I was more like them then I cared to admit.

Accentuate the Positive

This past weekend I mowed the lawn, washed my jeep, finished closing the pool, cleaned out D's side of the garage, worked for 5 hours and went for a run with B. All good stuff and I was in a pretty good mood. I am trying to live by the mantra "Do more of what makes you feel good about yourself and avoid what makes you feel bad about yourself".

Last night I crashed on the recliner (We no longer have a couch) with clicker in hand and proceeded to waste 6 hours of my miserable life. This morning I was in a pretty dark mood but I am functioning fairly well at work. I wonder if I would feel better had I been more productive last night...

Jury is still out on the meds. I am up to the full dose but can't feel any appreciable benefit. I had caffeine all weekend so I will take a break today.

It is interesting and a little bit awkward discovering that people are reading my blog. I find that I am editing my writing more then previously. However, I wrote a blog partly because I wanted people to read it so am pretty happy that I have an audience. I visit other blogs and I am amazed at the number and temperment of the comments. I can see how people can become frustrated with their readers. I don't have the problem and am not sure how I would react if I did.

No Relief

This morning I got up and made breakfast for B and J. B has a cross country meet today and I wanted to make sure he had some carbs in his system. J never eats breakfast with us, (sleep is more important) but I generally make something for him to take to school. Yesterday I took J to a neurologist because he has been having a lot of headaches. The neurologist prescribed three different meds for him to take indicating that the headaches were likely a result of his recent wake board fall. Unfortunately, last night I was in clickerville and completely antisocial so I did not check on Josh to make sure he took his meds. This morning I realized he had not taken them and I called upstairs asking him to please come downstairs and take his meds right away. I have to add the "right away" or he will forget to take them. I asked him in a calm and respectful voice. He screams back "I am changing". That sent me over the edge... I don't deserve that disrespect, had just made his breakfast and the whole point in asking him to take his meds was to help him! Normally I can roll with this crap but with my current bout of depression it hit me pretty hard. I grabbed my keys and basically stormed out of the house muttering " you people must be blind". Thirty minutes later I am sitting in front of the coffee shop trying to enjoy my rare caffeine treat. I feel a little better but right now life basically sucks.

There is something very wrong in my life when I wish that I would have a heart attack and die. I would never want to leave my family as I know that they are better off with me then without. But I just wish that I would feel better. I am seriously thinking of changing therapists as I have been at this for about three months and I am definitely worse of today then when I started. I also am quickly losing faith in this Lamictal shit. I am starting to wonder if it is worsening my mood. I am up the the half dose and I will probably ride it out till I get to full dose. Then I will decide whether to continue with it or not.

Arrrgggghhhhhhh

B asked me again about his class ring. Since when do kids get their class rings as Sophomores? And, when did the price increase to $200? He also announced that he was not going on the class trip to Europe. That absolutely killed me. I wish I could go back to all the stupid financial decisions I have made and undo them. I will find a way to get the money for his trip.

D was up at 5:30 this morning. At 6:00 she came into the bedroom and sat down on the bed next to me with a "we have to talk" look on her face. I immediately thought "she is leaving me". The scary thing is, I was not upset. The lack of any strong emotion really bothered me. Am I so completely fucked up that the thought of my wife leaving me doesn't bother me? As it turns out, she just wanted to talk about the bills. I told her that I wanted to get us back on a budget so that we can see where the money is going. I am now thinking about selling the boat and the jeep. I don't think I can get much for either toy but it seems like a necessary sacrifice at this point. I will decide after I review the bills. J will be really, really pissed about selling the boat. We are just getting into wake boarding and all of us enjoy it immensely.

It is amazing that I am on the cusp of feeling better and I just keep getting slammed with one hardship after another. WTF, over... I just need to keep my head down and try not to think so much.

Gettin' Happy

This morning found me a bit more enthusiastic then yesterday. B and I took A for a walk and enjoyed the sunrise as we returned to our house. I am doing many of the things that I think are important and I know that eventually I will get to a point where I will be happy again. I have moments of relief from my depression and I am hopeful that I will continue to improve.

Walking the dog

It is 5:50 AM and I am lying in bed considering the value of another 10 minutes of sleep. It is still dark out and D is downstairs doing chores. I immediately start thinking that mornings suck and I turn over to grab another 10 minutes. I know I won't sleep but the alternative is getting up and facing the day. I hear D coming up the stairs and she opens the door to the bedroom. "Do you want to take the dog for a walk with me?" she asks. I really don't want to take the dog for a walk. I know that I won't have much to say to her and the bed is warm and comfortable. I love my wife deeply and my non communicative nature has less to do with her and more with my self-obsessed nature. "Yes" I reply and swing my legs over to the floor. "Just work through your routine and try not to think to much" I say to myself. Why do I dread mornings so much? Do most people wake up with a smile on their face ready and willing to take on the day? I think I did at one time. So we go for a walk and of course she brings up finances. I try to explain to her that we have to leave money in the tax account or we won't be able to pay our taxes. She tries to explain that we have bills to pay now. We just need more money. I worked till 7:30 last night and I am at work at 7:30 this morning.

This morning B asked if one of us would be home to take him for a haircut tonight as we have drill Thursday. He also asked to have the cross country team over Thursday night for carb night. I told him I would be home in both cases. D is spending more time at the club which is a good thing. This means that I will have to find another way to get some more hours in.

B's uniform laying on the floor

It is amazing how such a seemingly insignificant event can negatively effect my mood these days. I have asked B no less then 20 different times to hang up his uniform after drill. I am really, really frustrated with him about this. Why does something so unimportant bother me so much? Is it because I really detest the fact the the uniform is being disrespected? Could I be bothered because I have ironed the uniform for him and he clearly does not appreciate my effort? Maybe it is just a power struggle... The reality is that he is a good kid, he does the youth group because he wants to make me happy. I just need to get over this.

So as I am working through all the emotions resulting from the discarded uniform, I notice that all his dirty clothes and gear from cross country are on the floor in the utility room. (Deep sigh...) I have asked him multiple times to not leave his gear laying around.

I know that on most days I would dismiss these events without much thought. But when I am down, it becomes unbearable.

I am rapidly losing faith in this new medication. I seem to be more depressed then I was previously. I wish one did not have to wait so long to determine if a new med works properly. If this one does not work out, I will have to gradually reduce the dosage over a period of weeks or months then start the same process all over again with a different med.

Venti Mocha Triple Shot No Whipped

I have gone three days without any appreciable caffeine but today I just had to have a latte. I have to work today so I deserve a treat. I drove into town to my favorite coffee shop so I could enjoy my mocha whilst sitting outside with all the tourists and early morning locals. I enjoyed the drink immensely and am currently luxuriating in the caffeine buzz while I slave away at work. I will probably pay later with some irritability but for now I will just enjoy the added serotonin.

Life is really, really hard right now. I think most of my stress is a result of my incredibly difficult financial situation. That is why I am working today; trying to earn some money to pay bills. We were just hit with an additional 15 grand worth of expenses that I was not expecting. Between that, my overdue taxes, legal fees and regular bills, I am feeling completely overwhelmed. I need to come up with an attack plan that will at least help me to feel better about my prospects of paying off my debt.

I try to think of all the things that I should be grateful for but my mood is darkened by my financial woes. I am incredibly fortunate that I have the ability to work more hours to earn more money. But then I feel bad about neglecting my family. Will my kids forgive me?

Wimpering in the dark

Therapy is going nowhere
Meds are not yet kicking in
Caffeine is not working

My mood has sunk into a deep, dark abyss and daylight is nowhere to be seen

I yearn for the clicker and couch

Today I sat in my car for 3 hours just watching the waves crash upon the rocks

I finally made it into work but I couldn't be much less productive

My heart is skipping all over the place and I really feel like shit

Saturday I have to lead eight kids on an all day hike. Oh boy... Hope my mood is better.

Self inflicted stress

I run a cadet youth group with a friend of mine. This man is a good friend but is driving me insane. He says one thing then abruptly changes course and says or does something contrary to what he originally said. I have so much stress in my life right now I am really having a hard time with this. Couple this with B's reluctance to attend the meetings and I am stuck between two difficult situations. Yesterday I was feeling really good until I went to an officers meeting only to listen to the CO (my friend) tell everyone that the current recruit clas would have to complete their basic guidebooks before they graduate. This is completely contrary to what he said previously. Now we will have lots of pressure on me and B to get the recruits caught up on their guidebooks. I think I am just going to ignore this one because I am really pissed about the situation. I will have to see what happens with B as he is in charge of recruit training for this class.

I am really thinking about quitting but I feel like I am running away from yet another volunteer group. Why do these things always become so difficult?

Last night I read

Life is like climbing a very difficult mountain. You cannot measure your success by your ability to reach the peak. You must break your ascent into individual accomplishment. Yesterday I watched less TV, worked more and read a book before bed. A small but nevertheless significant accomplishment. Today I feel pretty good. I got up without much problem, made B breakfast, went out on my first service call, dropped off money at the lawyer and arrived at work for 10:30. Not a bad start to the day.

It is somewhat wierd not feeling miserable. It it almost uncomfortable. I start to laugh and catch myself. Why is that?

Gym is going real well. I have not missed many days in the past month. Now if I can just get my diet under control.

New Meds Day 6

I really don't feel much of an impact from the new meds yet. I seem to have a reasonable amount of energy and motivation. The boat is put away and the pool is almost winterized. I have been slowly cleaning up the garage but I probably need one solid day to finish it off.

I have to start getting up earlier. There is some much I could be doing but I lay there like a lazy slug. One day I will yearn for those hours lost to lethargy. I continue to waste vast amounts of time in front of the TV but I am enjoying it less and less. Hopefully that trend will continue and I will find more productive ways of spending my time.

D has been spending a fair amount of time with a friend and going to the gym. She has been in a better mood and the whole house is calmer as a result. I need to find more ways to spend time with her.