Creative?

The sun shines brightly today

Snow on everything

Alas it shall not stay long

Young girls, snow day, not in school

Starbucks, play grown up

Hot cocoa looks like coffee

Texting...

Sent to B - I am sorry...  For many things.  We need to talk more.

Rec'd from B - I'm sorry.  It's not you, it's me.

Sent to B -  Doesn't really matter where the fault lies.  We just have to work together to make it better.

Who's the douche bag?

A local radio show runs a segment once a week called "who's the douche bag?"  Listeners submit their entries via email and the dj's pick one that they throw out for discussion and ultimate voting by the listeners to determine who is at fault or "who's the douche bag".  Yesterday I was in a foul mood resulting from my disturbing interaction with B in the morning.  I had a productive day at work but I could think of little else then my failures as a father.  Now I am trying to separate emotion from reality as I contemplate how to best move forward in my relationship with B. 

Yesterday B said "I don't want anything to do with your second family".  I believe the subtext is that he is angry with me for spending "fun" time with the kids from the adolescent home which he has more or less confirmed.

He also said that "I do fun things with them (the residents) but not with him".  The problem with this statement is in the application of the quantitative rule "compared to what".  I admit that I don't do much with him at home other then watch TV or movies.  I just don't have a lot of motivation at home to do much of anything with the family.  But, I spent a lot of time with him outside of the home except for recent years where he has spent more time with his friends.  I often invite him to do things with me but he often declines.  I have asked him repeatedly if I spent enough time with him and he has always said yes. 

He commented on my "constant depression...".  This is what hurt the most because he is right.  I am disappointed in myself for not working harder to overcome my depression especially when it interfered with my parental responsibilities and opportunities.  Many times as I lay on the couch I thought "Your just lazy. Get up and spend some time with your son(s)."  But most times I chose the comfort of the clicker instead of pushing myself to do the "right" thing.  So now I have to live with that... 

I do try to spend time with B but I don't know what else I can do besides ask him to join me in various activities.  One of the things that really frustrates me about this episode is that we had a great time watching the Superbowl Sunday night! 

I have to be the adult here...  My wounded soul wants to lash back out at B as I did this morning by ignoring him.  No morning hug or walk with A: no breakfast, not even a word.  But that is not who I am... I need to get over this and move on.

Based on my behavior this morning I guess I am the douche bag...

WTF...

This morning was a typical cold, crisp winter day. B and I were walking A per our regular routine.  I was in a good mood and B’s achilles tendon was feeling better so we were both enjoying the fresh air.  “B, are you interested in going to a basketball game Thursday at the local university with me and one of the kids from the home?”.  “No, not really” he replied.  I waited a moment then said “is it because the resident from the home is going?”.  “Yeah, I don’t want anything to do with your second family” he replied.  I stopped walking and stood there in stunned silence.  “Are you kidding me?” I asked him as I started walking again looking at him with a incredulous look on my face.  “No” he replied looking straight ahead.  “What the fuck” I said as I once again halted while my mind began to race trying to comprehend both what he had said and what he meant.  I considered the thought that the pain in my gut was due more to my low self-esteem then what he had said.  “No, I know what he meant” I said to myself as I turned and started walking back home; “I am going home” I said without bothering to wait for him.  In the blink of an eye my world was turned upside down.  I was just starting to emerge from months of a deep depression and I suddenly felt worse than at any time in recent history.  I stopped and whirled around to face B who was walking about fifty feet behind me.  “What do you mean by that?” I said.  “Are you saying that you don’t like me volunteering at the adolescent home?”.  B just stood there and did not reply.  “Well” I said my voice rising in anger, a pained look on my face.  “Yes” he replied looking me directly in the eye.  I turned again and walked back home with B trailing behind me.  I couldn’t believe this.  There is nothing in this world more important to me than my job as B’s father.  11 or 12 years ago I recognized that I spent much more time with J than B and starting then, I worked hard to be a better father.  We joined boy scouts, then the cadet group and I spent a lot of time with him; or so I thought.  Shortly after arriving home I walked upstairs and knocking on his open door walked into his room.  “B, I really need to understand what you meant” I said.  “Dad, it just seems like you do all this fun stuff with the kids from the home but not with me” he replied.  “B, you always say no whenever I ask you to do anything" I said.  I was trying to stay in control of my emotions but I could feel my guts spilling all over the floor.  “That is because I don’t like doing stuff with you now” he said.  “You were always depressed and stuff…” he trailed off.  I  could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I turned away. “B, I try so hard” I said in a strained voice as I walked out of the room.  I grabbed my gym bag, got into my truck and left for work.

I think I can...

Today I typed this post from my favorite coffee shop. My mocha latte tastes great and the sun is shining brightly through the plate glass windows that are in need of a cleaning.  This is the first time this week I have visited the coffee shop and I have a much better appreciation for a routine that I previously felt entitled to.  I made my own latte's most of the week and every time I drink one from my crappy espresso machine I develop a greater appreciation for my friendly barista and their brewing talent.

A few weeks ago I was ready to call in the pharmacological squad to solve all my problems and make me happy, wealthy and wise.  I event started taking moderate doses of Adderall to help me stay focused at work, but I never pulled the trigger to enter Cymbalta heaven; as much as I want to be like the "happy" depressives that run down the beach and go camping with their friends in the many SSRI commercials.  I have not needed the Adderall lately and I am actually starting to feel better overall.  I spend less time in Clickerville, work out more and even made significant progress on my taxes.  I notice the sunrise in the morning and I enjoy making dinner Wednesday nights.  Last night was ribs, smashed potatoes and banana cream pie.  I cut my hair, trimmed my mustache and I think I actually care about life now.  I recognize that at anytime, and for no reason, I may be back in the vacuous hell hole that I am still climbing out of but I am enjoying the sunrise for now.

Saving money

I am not a big fan of personal economic responsibility.  While I feel good about my new fiscal conservatism, I miss my morning coffee shop routine.  Guess I have to look at this new "work" time as giving B the best education I can.

Coffee is good

Today I am enjoying a rare treat; a latte at my favorite coffee shop.  I have spent the better part of the past three weekends reviewing and categorizing my financial transactions from last year as I prepare to file my taxes.  I was not shocked at the amount of money and time I have spent at coffee shops and other restaurants but I was disturbed enough to start acting in a more fiscally responsible manner.  I also went to visit another college with B and he has decided that he wants to attend that rather expensive liberal arts college.  He has already been accepted and now all I have to do is find the money to pay for it.  Yeah...

Therapy is going fairly well.  I have had two sessions and I am comfortable with the therapist. However, I am still feel lethargic with little energy or enthusiasm.  B's ankle is feeling better and this morning he and I walked A for the first time in three weeks.  Hopefully these walks will help me to get back onto my schedule.

PTSD

I have seen multiple therapists over the years in attempt to improve my mental health.  Some have been more helpful than others.  Yesterday I had my first visit with my new therapist (DH) and after describing my symptoms and providing her with a brief history of my life she asked me if I have ever been treated for trauma.  "Trauma?" I asked with a perplexed look on my face.  "I have never experienced trauma so no, I have not been treated for it".  "Dirk, your experiences as a child were in fact traumatic and your symptoms are typical for people that suffer from PTSD" DH said. I leaned back in my chair and considered what she was saying.  "I like her" I said to myself.  All my life I have been looking for that elusive "adjusting screw" that would allow me to tune my life to "normal".  Maybe this is the opportunity I have been seeking for so long. Maybe I am fixable.

I am under no illusions that my life will get better or easier anytime soon.  I am facing almost insurmountable challenges but I am incredibly fortunate with more then ample opportunity to become a better man.

Today I don't prefer death over life.  I think that is progress.

I give...

I made an appointment with a psychologist for tomorrow morning.  Hopefully I will be cured by the afternoon.

Tax time

 "Fucking piece of shit software!  Why the fuck does it create a split transaction?" I screamed slamming my fists down against the desk.  I had finally mustered up the motivation to start working on my 2010 taxes and the new version of Quickbooks was randomly creating split transactions, tripling the time required to categorize each one.  I sat back enraged, unsure of what to do.  Finally, leaning forward, I selected the next transaction and started the process again.  I am under a tremendous amount of pressure to finish my tax forms as I have to complete the financial applications required for B to get financial aid for college.  I feel very guilty for not having saved any money for B's education and now I am under the gun to find get my financial house in order.

I am really starting to question the value of owning my own business as I suck at managing my finances and my procrastination only exacerbates the situation.  My weekend was split between working on taxes, screaming like a madman at my computer and vegetating in Clickerville.  On the bright side, I did clean and organize my office but that is only because I was avoiding working on my taxes.

For the past six months or so I have been very depressed and unhappy.  I suspect I will have to look at some type of antidepressant again.  I really don't want to take a friggin pill though because over time the side effects outweigh the benefits and my life insurance costs are significantly higher.

FML...