Life is good

I have been med-free for about a month now and I am doing very well. Other than a bit of anxiety and irritability, I am leading a rather "normal" life. J is doing ok and has completed most of his community service. One of our neighbors agreed not to press charges against J so we have one burgalry charge left to deal with. B is enjoying his summer and hangs out with his friends most of the time. D seems content and we have been spending a fair amount of time together. She has also joined the cadet group so we spend time on related activities.

Next week I am on vacation in at the lake in Maine. I am hoping for good weather.

Cranking along

Today I feel irritable but very motivated. I worked into the early hours of the morning but even with four hours of sleep, I still have lots of energy.

I just had a very unpleasant encounter with an insurance adjuster who wrote up an estimate to repair the damage to my little sports car that was $2000 less than the one I got from the body shop. WTF!

J continues to accumulate community service hours and if he continues at this rate he will at least have a reasonable effort to report to the judge when he is called to do so. He still has one felony charge to deal with and a possible second felony charge if he does not pay my neighbor for the items that he stole.

Where is Clickerville?

“I feel like I've been in a coma for about twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.” (Lester Burnham, American Beauty). All my senses are heightened ( especially libido :) and even the smallest things give me pleasure. However, like Randle Patrick McMurphy (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest), I fully expect my current blissful emotional state to pass; but I am ok with that. I will revel in the moment. I am suddenly very passionate about everything I do. And the coffee; OMG, it tastes so good and the caffeine buzz is extra strong. I do feel very irritable at times, especially at home, but I keep reminding myself that if I constantly bitch and obsess over the small things, I will drive everyone around me nuts and will be back on meds that much sooner.

One other note; I love D and will never do anything that could destroy what we have built over the past 25 years. Besides, I recognize the meaningless nature of the three minutes of pleasure I would trade for a life of regret. It comes with maturity and emergence from the cave.

Med-free zone

Today I am in a fabulous mood! We finally got some great weather and today is beautiful. I discontinued all my meds last week and am in that slightly manic post-med phase of the emotional roller coaster that is my life. Friday I went out with some kids from the adolescent home and a new staff member, L. We had a great time and I really enjoyed hanging out with the kids again. I have not been to the home in over a month. I had not spent any time with L previously and we seem to have an interesting (in a good way as long as we maintain our boundaries) connection. I really enjoyed talking with her and we have a lot in common even though I am probably more than 20 years her elder. I expect to be writing more about her in the future.

J is now out of the house and living on his own. I had to boot him out because I discovered he had stolen from another neighbor. He seems to be doing ok but he will likely spend some time in jail in the very near future. All I can do is watch him douse himself in gasoline hoping that he does not ultimately burn to death.

Time to fly on his own

Letter to my neighbors…

I am writing to inform you of a situation in our neighborhood involving J. I apologize for not being more specific about, and taking responsibility for, the events in question, but for legal reasons I cannot comment on the guilt or innocence of my son. J was arrested and charged with burglary for entering (without the owner’s permission) a house located on our street. Because of this, I recommend that you secure your house and any outbuildings when you are away from home. D and I are completely mortified and very, very sorry that you would be made to feel uncomfortable as a result of the alleged actions of my son. We also apologize for not contacting you earlier about this situation, but we were under the impression that someone on our street had already alerted all the residents living on the street.

On July 1st, D and I told J that he could no longer live in our house. He is also not allowed to come to our house unless we are home. If you see J on our street and we are not home, please call me or D.

Please do not hesitate to contact D or myself with any questions. However, please understand that for legal reasons, we are limited in what we can say. Once the legal issues have run their course we will do everything in our power to address any concerns you may have related to anything that J may have done.

Getting bitchy

Yesterday I was very anxious and irritable. Every chore and decision was excruciatingly painful. However, I was able to get the cover off the pool and hooked up the pump and filter. My mood was dark because I stopped taking my Adderall Saturday. I temporarily suspended use of the drug because even with the higher dose it was not very effective and I was experiencing headaches; and, I just hate taking it. I want to feel "good" without the aid of a stimulant. Given the stressful nature of my life lately I don't expect to realize that goal anytime soon. I took a smaller dose today and while it does not work great I am at least productive. I hit the weights hard and I will try to get a decent nights sleep.

A fathers anguish

Last week I brought my son to the police station so he could be processed for an outstanding arrest warrant. He was charged with burglary (a felony) for walking into my neighbor’s house looking for money. The neighbor happened to be home, but their vehicle was in for repairs so J thought they were out. He also has not come close to completing his 100 hours of community service and his lawyer tells me that in July when they review his case, he will likely be sent to jail for the remaining 11.5 months of his suspended sentence resulting from his accident. I don't think I can do much more for him. In fact, if he doesn’t follow the house rules I will be forced to boot him from the house.

Learning to fly

At 2:00 today I took a 20MG hit of a generic equivalent to Adderall. I am flying high now with lots of energy and my mind is clear as a bell. I am incredibly productive and cranking through some really tough IT issues at my client’s while enjoying Slaughterhouse Five on Hulu. Maybe I am getting high… Fuck it. I will take my energy from wherever I can get it. Hopefully there will be no consequences if I continue this dosage.

Unhappily happy

Right now I am working through what has been a very frustrating project at a client site. I have been trying to get a software product working that will allow me to capture a corporate image of a PC that I can then use to build new PC’s or rebuild old ones. I have spent hours upon hours trying to get a new version of the software working. I can easily build a new PC from scratch (8 hours) in less time then what each of these test configurations has taken. In some cases I have had to blow away the configuration and rebuild the PC manually anyway which is an enormous waste of time. The issue is this; I am happy and content. I have Eric Clapton playing on the headphones and I am slowly and methodically working my way through the analysis process. It pisses me off because the main reason I am happy and content is because I took two hits of Adderall this morning. What is the difference between taking a legally prescribed drug and just smoking some meth that I can buy on the street (aside from the obvious moral and philosophical issues)? I worry about the long term affects of the drugs and I feel weak when I have to resort to them to feel happy.

Well, at least I am enjoying the buzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

Weather mirrors my mood

Life has been a bit insane lately. My old but reliable truck finally succumbed to its age but I found a nice replacement for her in VT. I now have a 1 ton with a diesel but I am feeling the pressure of a huge truck payment.

Life at home has been good but I could use more time there. I have many, many unfinished chores.

I have not smelled the roses lately. I am feeling overwhelmed and really tired. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and slept right thru the night. Today I was pretty lethargic until I took two hits of Adderall. Although I feel better, I hate the fact that it takes a drug to make me feel good. It makes me feel like a junkie.

Sorry for the whiny boring post but I am just not feeling it today.