Can the Buddha help?

Think with purpose... That is my new mantra. I am trying so hard to pull myself out of this malaise and constant negative thoughts exacerbate my sullen mood. And, I have a lot of serious challenges that I should be contemplating instead. When I am out in public, my attention often drifts from woman to woman as they cross my path. The ones I find especially interesting for whatever reason tend to occupy my thoughts for a bit longer as I spin a mini fantasy involving me and her. These fantasies sometimes include intimacy but most often center around a lifestyle change where I am suddenly unburdened from all of my present day responsibilities and she and I dive into a whirlwind romance and live happily ever after; in an alternate universe of course. I am going to dig back into the teachings of the Buddha in search of ways I can take control of my life without medication. Just the overt act of trying to improve my situation is therapeutic.

Lucky break

I am sitting outside the courtroom with J waiting for his lawyer to arrive. I believe we are attending a probable cause hearing relative to J's illegal entry into my neighbor’s house. J is in a foul mood, pissed that his lawyer is not here. I am very worried about him. He is clearly depressed with no means to pay for meds or therapy. He is often angry about some stupid thing that somebody has said about him. He is a magnet for trouble and gets sucked into all kinds of weird and bizarre situations. Luckily he has a lot of people on his side including the detective prosecuting the case so he will once again probably get more of a break than he deserves.

Another boring posting of little interest

I have known for some time now that my low grade depression had returned, but I had hoped I could work through it. I have been eating better, sleeping more and exercising harder, but like the rising tide, the grey malaise has slowly but steadily crept back washing away my core feeling of happiness and contentment. I continue to function and most do not see the change; but for me my day has become emotionally pointless. I am overwhelmed by stress, anxiety and irritability. I think a good measure of one’s emotional well being is in their fear of death. Today I do not fear the end of this life of “quiet desperation, although I do not desire death as I have in the past. So know what? I will likely wallow around in my misery until I finally go back to the doc for meds.

Three Generations Sail Together

This past weekend, B and I sailed with my Dad and his wife from Fairhaven to Martha's Vineyard to Cuttyhunk than back to Fairhaven; about 60 miles over three days. We had beautiful sunny days, unfortunately only one with decent wind.

I really enjoyed my time with B; we talked a lot. Time spent with my Dad was less comfortable. We did not talk much and he seemed uncomfortable much of the time. He also displayed some annoying social habits that I found particularly uncomfortable, probably because I sometimes engage in similar behavior. It was a good wake up call for me.

I will never love my Dad. I accept that… I have forgiven him for the horrible things that he did to me and most of what he did to my siblings. I no longer feel tormented by my past, but I will never be comfortable with my Dad.

Busy, busy

Today I feel a bit better. I hit the gym hard yesterday and went to bed early last night. I have drill tonight, group home Friday night and then down to New Bedford to sail over to the Vineyard with my Dad.

Pointless Bitching

I feel gypped... Why can't I just be naturally happy like other people? Why do I eventually have to resort to a freaking pill to feel happy? I know my ailment is far less debilitating than others, but nevertheless I feel fucking miserable. Over the past month or so I have seen my mood spiral down to the point where I am just trying to get through the day. I am losing interest in everything that I enjoy and I am becoming a bitch! So I took the pill..... Fuck... I hate this.

Post-tourist morning at the beach

This morning I am sitting on a cold wooden bench looking out at the calm blue sea. The sun shines brightly upon my black North Face jacket warming me against the morning chill in the air. The coffee is especially good making me long for a better cup of joe at my usual coffee shop. The tourists have all gone home leaving the beach to the seagulls and terns.

The beauty of the day is somewhat lost on me for I have been in the grip of a foul mood for the past few days. I even spent a few hours in Clickerville seeking temporary relief from my dark thoughts. There has been no significant changes in my life recently so I can only attribute my sense of gloom to insufficient levels of one or more neurotransmitters such as serotonin or epinephrine. I have increased my sleep and exercise and decreased my caffeine. Let's hope this mood passes and I can remain med-free.

Back to school

Today B and I resumed our morning routine. We were out the door walking A at 0600. It is nice to spend some time with him. We don't see much of each other these days.

Lately I have been tired. I need to exercise more and devote more time to sleep.

Friday I had coffee with M. She seemed very nervous when she first arrived. After a while she seemed to become more comfortable. We talked about various issues including her job search and struggle with depression. She seemed to brighten up by the end of the meeting. It will be interesting to see how she progresses over time; hopefully it will be in a positive direction.

Short summer coming to end

There is a hint of Fall in the air today. It will warm up quickly but it is a refreshing change from the recent hot weather.

I received an email from M yesterday. Apparently she missed our meeting because she spent the previous night doing the porcelain mambo. We rescheduled our meeting to Friday morning.

Monday B returns to school. We are both looking forward to resuming our morning routine of walking the dog and having breakfast together.

Therapeutic for me

I am sitting at my favorite coffee shop waiting for M to arrive. She is a young lady that I have been trying to help as she is struggling with her career and depression. I suspect she has overslept and will likely obsess over missing our meeting. She is a talented, bright young woman but I believe she has unresolved issues from her past that are weighing her down.