Cut Down the Oaks

It's fucking cold out today.  We have about six inches of crusty snow on the ground.  Normally I would be thrilled as I could take my snowmobile out.  But these day, I just don't care.  I will probably have to sell it soon anyways.

I remember writing about mourning the loss of my depression because it seemed to diminish my creative energy.  I mourn no more.  I am feeling overwhelmed with hopelessness.  This morning I was actually comparing myself to Gollum.  I would be happy to be free of my Precious if I knew what it was.  Most don't know the depths of my melancholy.  When one causes his own hardship, I think it is more difficult to bear.  I constantly berate myself for my past decisions.  I think that for most, anxiety moves one to resolution of the issues that create the angst.  For whatever reason, I seem to be moved to avoidance allowing small problems to grow like saplings into towering oaks. 

I got gypped in the nerochemical dept

Yesterday I was thinking about the best way to check out.  It wasn't a conversation about if, but one of how.  Today I took two blue pills and I feel great.  Anxious, yes...  But motivated to fix the environmental issues that are driving me to a desperate outcome.  This sense of wellness will not last, but I shall bask in the neurochemicals effect even if it is fleeting.  Tomorrow I will take three if I have to.