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I miss her...

Gotta go, good bye

This morning at 5:35 I received a text from R - "Gotta go.  Good bye".  And so ends a chapter of my life I shall never forget.  She was so special to me in so many ways.  Her mood could quickly shift from giddy happiness to fierce anger to withdrawn sadness.  In my mind, I watched her grow from a girl to a woman in just over a year.  I just feel numb today.  I know that the reality of her departure has not hit me yet and I have some dark times lying in wait for me.  I have to refocus my mind, work on improving my life.  I have to break out of this fucking malaise and throw myself into a self-improvement challenge.  My standard response to something like this is to wallow around in self-pity depressing not only myself but those around me.  This time I will stand tall and follow the advice I gave R; "When you become sad about what you don't have, refocus your energy on what you want". 

Lonely Coffee

This morning I am lucky enough to sit at a table outside the coffee shop drinking Guatemalan coffee and a peach muffin.

I heard a motorbike in the distance and my heart quickened as I thought for a moment that R might be meeting me for coffee.  But it was not her and in all likelihood she would not meet me for coffee for a very long time, if ever.  She ships out to boot camp on Tuesday and I am left with an emptiness in my heart that could quickly consume me if I do not take immediate steps to refocus my mind.  There is no question that I will be sad; it is more a question about the severity of the depression that is sure to envelope my world.  Like a recovering crack addict, I need to learn how to live without something that gave me so much happiness. 

Get Fit

It's a cold rainy day in the town square today.  Like so many mornings before, the weather reflects my mood.  I am drinking a Costa Rican La Minita coffee and eating a lemon poppyseed muffin.  Driven from my usual seat outside, I feel hot and constricted, although I do have one of the prized window seats.

She leaves Tuesday. I am preparing myself but I know that it is going to be extremely difficult.  I have committed to refocusing my energy on an intense fitness program.  I plan to lose 10 lbs before she returns from boot camp.  I also need to devote more attention to D.  She will be more sensitive to any depression resulting from R's departure.