Make me sad?

In some weird, twisted way, I miss my depression.  The thing about being an active depressive, is that you experience really powerful emotions.  The  part about wanting to harm yourself kinda sucks...  But I miss feeling something that evokes strong emotions, even something that sucks!  My life is great...  I am incredibly fortunate...  But fuck, it is boring as shit.  I really need to find something to fill this void. 

Ok, enough about me and my pathetic whining.  My brother and sister in-law once again booted out my 19 year-old nephew.  The problem now, is that winter is upon us and it is frigging cold out.  Supposedly he is living in his car.  I was 17 when my Dad left me on my own, so I know what it is like.  I always had a good work ethic and the ability to get jobs pretty easily.  My nephew does not share those characteristics with me.  I will  reach out to him and do what  I can.  Unfortunately, he stole from us when he was last at our house so staying with us, even as respite is not an option.

Plowing with an antique

Last night we received about eight inches of heavy, wind-blown snow.  This morning, I plowed out my driveway as well as my neighbors.  J helped me out and we had it done in an hour or so.  It is so nice to plow instead of snow-blowing.  I also enjoy running my 37 year-old jeep even though it can be a pain such as when the windshield wipers stopped working this morning.  I really wish I had the hard top for it as well.  I  don't mind the cold, but it can be tough to see when the wind is blowing snow in my eyes.

I became irritable during  the snow removal process and I need to really work on controlling my emotions when I am working with J.  He is really a great help, but I can't seem to help getting annoyed at every little thing he does.  Saturday, at my in-laws Christmas party, I had more then one person remark how much J had changed for the better.  I am very proud of him.  I certainly wish more for him in terms of his career and some of his decision making...  But I feel really good about the man he has become.

D's Christmas Card

Dear D,

 Recently, I had the opportunity to share some thoughts about how a married couple maintains a loving, lasting relationship.  As I began to think about my response, it occurred to me that I might not be able to offer the best advice, because I had the incredible fortune to marry an exceptional woman.  Not a day goes by that I don't consider how you love me unconditionally, through good times and bad; sometimes when I do not deserve such fidelity.  You are my best friend and a pillar of support without whom I would most assuredly be less of a man then I am today. 

Dirk

Going senile?

It is Christmas Eve morning and I am sitting at my old coffee shop as my regular source for morning caffeine is completely full.  I just picked up my truck after a $450 repair that resulted from a foolish mistake on my part.  This mistake has me concerned about my cognitive reasoning abilities and I wonder if I am getting a glimpse into my future decision-making.  In other words, am I losing my mind?  Oh well, I just have to pay more attention to what I am doing.

I am heading to work after my coffee.  B's tuition apparently does not recognize the birth of Jesus Christ and still  must be paid even though it is going to a Catholic college. 

Happy Holidays Everyone!

It's cold outside

I grew up in an old house that was very drafty with a cranky heating system that would distribute warm air to the first floor.  We had no heat on the second and third floors and I can remember many a night when I could see my breath in the hazy glow of the lone light bulb dangling from my ceiling.  Often, when I could bear the cold no longer, I would softly creep downstairs with a blanket and pillow to lay on the one heat register, located in the front hallway, that would push warm air up the stairway to the second floor.  Basking in the warmth of the oil-fired heater, I would  fall into a blissful slumber until the grate of the register would heat up, causing me to wake up in a fright.  Feeling guilty about impeding the flow of warmth to the rest of my family, I would stumble back to bed, pull the mound of sheets and covers up over my head, and attempt to stay warm for the rest of the night.

Some good, some not so good...

Yesterday I picked up B at school and now he will be home with us for almost a month.  It was great to spend some time with him.  He said that finals went well and his overall grades are very good.  We talked a bit about graduate school.  I think his current school choices are a bit low, but I suspect he will become more ambitious as he works his way through undergrad studies.  I am constantly amazed that someone with my background raised a child that might one day earn the honor of being called "Doctor".  

On my way to pick up B, I met my 19 year-old nephew C for coffee and spent a couple of hours with him.  He recently spent three days in jail and is now trying to get his life back on track.  He has a severe drug problem but claims that he is currently clean.  He looks horrible and I can see that he is struggling physically and emotionally.  I  hope that our conversation was helpful; he said it was.  His Dad has some major control issues and I can see  the emotional scarring he has left on the boy.  I told him to keep reaching out to his Dad and to try not battle with him so much.  I wish I could do more...  I think J and I are going to go to a snowmobile race with C and his dad.  I am convinced that parents have to spend time with their kids, especially teens, away from home where the control wars are less intense and the child is on a more equal footing.

Bet, Check or Fold

If I just start typing, an idea for an update will pop into my head...  Waiting... Any time now... Hmmmmm.... I have lots of idea's, but they either suck, or I have whined about them enough already.

Well, there is this one issue...  The other day at work, I overheard a discussion in the cube next to me.  An employee that I know pretty well was inviting a new employee to a regular poker game.  I, have never been invited to this poker game.  I have previously talked to a friend of mine (who worked for this client briefly) about my relationship with the employees at this firm, and he said that everyone viewed me as "important" or "executive".  I never really saw myself as "important", at this company, just a mid-level IT guy trying  to keep all the systems working.  So now I am wondering (again) how the people I work with at this company perceive me.  I thought I was friends with the poker-playing dude, but yet I was not invited to his game.  I am not completely distraught over this, but I am more then a bit curious.  Years ago I would have taken this very hard, as a sign that I was not "likable".  But I know that is not the case.  I would like to know why I am not invited to the game though...

Gimme Snow!

I know I am in  the extreme minority, but this weather sucks!  It is currently 50 degrees and we could see 60 today!  Saturday, J and I drove three hours to East Burke VT to watch a snowmobile snocross race.  It was nice to be immersed in 20 degree temps and over a foot of snow on the ground.  Hanging with J for the day was pretty cool as well. 

Yesterday I had my annual pilgrimage to my Dad's house to celebrate Christmas.  The day was uneventful, other then my pseudo-stepbrother telling me that his wife was leaving him.  That sucks...  I don't feel emotionally wrenched though as is usually the case when I spend time with my Dad.

Test rider

I  spent close to an hour this past weekend trying to calibrate the two digital thermometers I have at home.  Today I was rewarded for my effort as both units displayed the same temperature...  7 degrees Fahrenheit.  Add a slight breeze and we are close to zero.  Tomorrow I am going to a snowmobile snocross race with J in Burke Mountain VT.  I think it is safe to say that winter is upon us and it is only a matter of time till we get our first significant snowfall.

The other day I was telling D that I have no memories of celebrating Christmas during my childhood.  I do recall one Christmas morning where my primary concern was attempting a test ride of my little bmx bike that I had spent many, many hours repairing.  We were not a family of means, so I had to build all my bikes from parts that I scrounged or purchased with my paper route money.  This particular Christmas Eve, we received eighteen inches of snow, so my parents would not let me ride my bike on the freshly plowed roads.  With great anticipation I pushed and pulled it through snowdrifts and plow banks, over to the local synagogue parking lot, located a couple of blocks from our house  Using a trash barrel, I cleared a short little track for my test ride.  The bike worked well and that is what I remember about Christmas that year.

Inspire me

Lately, writing has been difficult and I often sit staring at the laptop screen blankly, my fingers poised on the keyboard, my mind searching for some inspiration.  Today I went back and looked at my blog entries from three years ago hoping to stimulate my creative juices.  I find it interesting that while my circumstances have changed, my current daily thoughts are more or less the same as they were three years ago.  I no longer suffer from severe depression, my finances are stable, I have addressed my issues with the IRS, I am able to pay B's tuition and my family is doing well.  Now I am just a bit bored.  I am seriously considering starting a new cadet unit working with the USMC reserve company.  I know that I will introduce a major amount of stress into my life but maybe that is a good thing.  I have come to the realization that stress is not necessarily bad; it depends on how we react to it.  I would be doing a great thing for a group of kids and I would be doing what I love.  Hehehe...  Famous last words?

Imagine

Throreau said you should "Live the life you've imagined."  When I was growing up, I really did not have a vision for my adult life.  I was very disconnected from my family and most of my childhood revolved around coping with trauma.  As I grew older, I began to imagine myself as a "good" man focused on family, community and career.  I think many would agree that I have realized my dream of living as a "good" man, but now I imagine something more.  My realm of possibility has expanded, but remains confined within present-day boundaries.  The barriers inhibiting the realization of my upgraded imagination are many, but start with the uncertainty of what I really want, and the obligation to pay for B's college tuition.  So I probably will not be going to Kampala Uganda to help the residents with their water and sewer problems. 

So now that I have ruled out Africa as the land of my future endeavors, where should I focus my talent and energy?  Most would say I should grow my business.  There is definitely a significant value to financial stability.  But look at all the hard-working people that scrimped and saved so they could invest for their future.  In an instant, many lost more then half of their savings.  And what did they give up to accumulate their wealth?  Clearly I need  to strike a balance between finances and "living" life.  I guess I will have to help the Ugandans in my spare time.