Boarding

Yesterday was a good day up at my in-laws camp.  I enjoyed wakeboarding and also spent some time kayaking with D.  I was not in a great mood but I still had a good time.  Tonight I plan to go fishing with J and my nephew.

Least I forget

Why is it that I forget pretty much everything, but I can remember the names of my Baristas?  I have not seen Jesse in months, but her face lit up with delight when I greeted her by name today.

I am not in the best of moods today but it is getting better.

Busy Dirk

It's a busy day in the town square today.  I rarely visit on Saturdays, especially during tourist season.  However, I am working today so I don't mind waiting in line for my latte.  The Blue Angels are in town further adding to the traffic congestion. 

Last night I went out with some kids from the adolescent home then joined D for a fantastic margarita at a downtown restaurant.  Tomorrow I am taking my son and nephew wakeboarding at my in-laws camp.

I miss B...  We have seen him a couple of times since we dropped him off at school but it is tough not having him around.

Encampment

Friday night J and I went over the the local USMC reserve center and spent the night and most of Saturday with the local cadet group battalion.  I have not been in a leadership role with this group for about a year now and it was difficult for me to watch the event unfold as it was clearly not planned well.  Overall I think the 76 kids had fun but I would  have had a bit more hands-on activities and less time in the class room.

The cadet group leadership is really pushing me to open up a new unit a the USMC reserve center but I am reluctant to do so.  I have been in a pretty dark mood for some months right now and I feel completely overwhelmed with my existing commitments.  My future with this group will probably depend on what happens with this one kid from the adolescent home I have been trying to recruit for the cadet group.  If he joins, I am going to have to be a the drills anyway, so I might as well move back into a leadership role to help out.  I will simply have to develop a thicker skin recognizing that my efforts are for the kids and the adults that can't recognize why they are there can go fuck themselves. 

Saturday my nephew was married and I was able to spend a lot of time with B as a result.  He is doing well, although not sleeping much.  He likes the cross country team and looks forward to starting school next week.

Yesterday I spent the entire day watching movies and television shows.  D hung out with me as well so I did not feel completely guilty.

My hero?

Over the years, I have tried to be a good Uncle and mentor to my nephew C.  C grew up in a town filled with muli-million dollar homes where the Hummer's were as prolific as the MBA's.  However his parents were average people with average jobs and they did not indulge in the rampant materialism that permeated the town.  C's dad suffered from OCD wherein he placed the cleanliness of his house before the needs of his child.  C was never allowed to play with his toys in the living room and would be severely reprimanded if he forgot to take his shoes of when he entered his house.  C was a "good kid" up until he was cut from the basketball team in junior high school.  He was a good athlete up until that point but suddenly gave up all interest in sports.  He began to change and started to become a "problem child".  Neither of his parents were prepared to deal with this change in personality and C's behavior became worse and worse.  He did not graduate with his class and has had skirmishes with the law in recent years.  C also struggles with drugs and has been in and out of rehab over the past year.  I have always opened my home to C and he has been spending a lot of time with us recently.  He always went to the lake with us in the summer and loves to wakeboard.  Last weekend his Dad melted down once again and C came to our house to get away.  I took him out for coffee and we talked for a long time.  During the conversation he told me that he was envious of my two boys and he wished I was his father.  I was taken aback by his comments but thanked him for his kind words.  He then told me that he once wrote a paper for school about his hero.  He told me that the paper was based on me.  I sat back in disbelief, stunned at his revelation.  I reached over and hugged him and said that I was proud to be his hero and I would always be there for him. 

The point of my story is this...  Who is my hero?  Who will be there for me?  Lately I feel incredibly lonely and isolated and my whole life is focused on working hard to pay for my kids education.  Why didn't I have someone in my life that helped me to learn how to save for college so that I would not be faced with this incredible burden?  Don't get me wrong; I am grateful that I have a job that allows me to work more hours and generate more money.  I could use a hero though...

Goodbye B

Tonight we are bringing B to college and I am experiencing a wide range of emotions as a result.  I am thrilled that my son is going to a good college that has a strong focus on the humanities, but also sad that he will not be living with us anymore.  However, I am mostly worried and anxious that I will not be able to maintain the monthly tuition payments.  My cognitive abilities and motivation has been slipping and it has been difficult to focus at work.  I am definitely feeling somewhat depressed, but I have to mask my emotions and get the job done. 

I have to learn how to relax more and not let anxiety impede me from achieving my goals.  

Can't see the artists for the trees

D and I are sitting in incredibly uncomfortable beach chairs sitting about three trees back from the stage Lyle Lovett will be appearing on anytime now.  We arrived ninety minutes early thinking that would get us first dibs on some prime real estate from which we could enjoy the show.  Boy were we wrong.  I think some people put out their blankets and lawn chairs a,week ago!  Oh well...  I am used to standing at concerts.  Why should this one be any different.

Last Wednesday Dinner

Last night was our last Wednesday meal before B leaves for college and I made him his favorite meal, baked macaroni and cheese.  However, the entire evening was overshadowed by J's incredibly poor decision to trade my boat for 1984 Trans Am.  J and I had been discussing this possible trade (he has been trying to sell my old boat for me) and I had last told him to send me info on the Trans Am including pictures.  He did not respond,  but he had told me that he would bring it to a mechanic friend of mine to check over.  When I pulled into my driveway, my boat was gone and when I called J, he told me that he had made the trade.  I was furious as I never told him to move forward with the deal, but apparently when I made the comment "Your not storing the car at the house" he took that as a green light to move forward with the transaction.  When he got home, I confronted him about the situation asking " why would  this deal be any different from the previous ones?"  "I have always said that I want to meet the buyer and I would sign the bill of sale."  He seemed genuinely surprised and part of me believes that he thought he had acted properly.  It was a tough night for everyone because he was very proud about getting his "first car".  Overall it is a good deal, just a crappy execution.  I plan to pull the engine out of the car and put it into the jeep as the Trans Am needs way more work than it is worth.  He thought he would just make payments to me for the car but I really do not want to deal with that hassle.  He never follows through with financial commitments and it  would  be another divisive issue between us.

Open ocean

Last night D, and I went ocean kayaking with a group of strangers I found through the web site http://www.meetup.com.  D was very nervous about going as she had never been kayaking in the open ocean; let alone with a group of  people that she never met.  One of the first ladies we met proceeded to exacerbate the situation telling D about huge waves she would encounter in the channel.  At this point D really began to freak out.  I calmly suggested to D that we could go to the channel, and if she was uncomfortable we would turn back and just putter around the estuaries.  Fortunately, the tide was just about dead low so we encountered minimum current and waves.  As we rounded the breaker at the end of the channel, heading towards the beach and surf, D stiffened with apprehensive again.  Thankfully, one of the group leaders intervened sharing helpful tips and words of encouragement that helped D to relax.  At the end of the night she said she had a great time and she wants to go again so I am thrilled. 


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Coffee... black please

Today I am sitting on the beach, at the lake, drinking black coffee made on my camp stove.  It is a calm day and the only waves lapping the shore were spawned from passing boats. The sun is quickly warming my chilled body from a cold night of restless sleep.  Skiers and boarders are returning from their early morning runs looking for their second cup of coffee.  Ducks and crows cackle in the background amid the sporadic, but ever increasing clanging of tent poles as campers break down their temporary homes, preparing to return to concrete cities and vinyl clad homes.

I am sad and full of regret because I did not stop her.  Perhaps it was a good thing that she left, for I now feel a longing heart that may remind me to appreciate her more.  All my life I have shut people out denying them access to the deepest regions of my heart.  Somehow she has slipped past the gates and I honestly miss her as a result.

She left me

We were supposed to go home from our vacation tomorrow but D decided to leave today because she was pissed at me over a stupid disagreement.  Now I am enraged with no way to release my anger.  I guess I deserve this for all the times I treated her badly but it still sucks.  I just don't know what to do with myself so I will probably do some work.

Stressful Vacation

Usually my vacations are reasonably relaxing, at least from a work perspective.  This one has been anything but free from work-related stress.  I have to learn how to take difficult people and situations less seriously and accept that I am doing the best I can, that my results are reasonable and fall withing my clients expectations.  I am feeling very stressed about the $1800 a month payment for B's tuition and am extra sensitive to any situation that could cause me to lose a client.

I must make time to meditate and exercise.