It is nice to sit down and relax for a few minutes at the coffee shop. The long weekend was jam packed and while it seemed too short, I enjoyed most of it. Saturday morning I spent some time with J running errands. In the afternoon you would have found me struggling with changing a heavily rusted fuel filter on my truck. Sunday we went up north to open D's parent’s trailer. Yesterday I marched in a parade in Cambridge MA with the cadet group; then walked along the Charles River with D. Last night we went out as a family to celebrate J's birthday.
Today I hope to learn more about J's immediate future. Recently he entered my neighbor’s house looking for money and was discovered by the owner. I expect that he will be arrested this week. As a result of his arrest, he will have violated the terms of his suspended sentence and in all likelihood will spend the next 11 months at the County Jail serving the balance of his sentence. He will also have to deal with this new charge but I would be surprised if he got more than probation. I am really pissed at my neighbors for filing charges as they know that he will spend a year in jail for what some might consider a minor offense. I understand how violated they feel but I had hoped that we could work this out without involving the legal system. On the other hand, maybe this is what J needs to get him on the right path; but I suspect that time in jail will only make him feel more like a criminal. He recently told me that he is just like my crack-smoking, alcoholic, car–stealing, drug-dealing brother. That hurt… I hope he is wrong. I am sure that this new offense has circulated throughout town I feel more isolated from the community then even after J’s accident where he killed a local man.
There is so much more to say but I have to go see the lawyer.
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1 comment:
Hm...
Here's the thing about people...
People like to be liked, and like to have everything calm and complacent. When things stagger from that norm, people tend to be beside themselves, unsure what to do.
Basically, your son involuntarily killed a man. Because he did that, and because he then had to face society (and you) with that, he no longer felt like himself.
When children find themselves on the wrong path, and they see their parents consistently reliving the psycho-babble "what did I do wrong" garbage, they isolate themselves from their parents, venturing further down the wrong path because they don't want positive influences, knowing the are no longer seen in an ideal light.
Because your son knows all you now see in your situation is "how do I fix this" and a constant perseveration of every offense he has committed to any standards you have set, he now sees no value in himself, and thus will not rectify his behavior.
IN ADDITION, he will probably continue to act out because your attempts to "fix" and "save" him he has come to know and understand as love. He will feel like a stranger to himself and thus will allow the stranger to willingly follow that helpless path.
...And unfortunately, the only way to fix the situation is to erase the past. You could get him a shrink, but then he will just feel like "the kid in therapy not fit to walk on his own in this world."
I have no advice for you. Strong-willed people can break from such awful, confining catch22's...
...but most people cannot, and thus people follow lives of this nonsense.
I guess it's mind over matter. Perhaps addressing these issues to him may help, but I sincerily doubt it since he's so young and may not "get" what you're trying to do... Not to mention, males just mature slower.
I'm not good with a lot of things... Just people. This is what the situation is, but a fix is something harder. I'd need a little bit more to work with.
My two cents...
Fish
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