I raised a lying thief

Last night I confronted J about stealing from, and lying to me again. I hate that he rifles through my personal items looking for hidden money. He will be 19 in May. At what point should I seriously consider booting him out? I know it will change our relationship forever and it is possible that he might not even survive the eviction. But am I doing him a disservice by allowing him to continue with his dishonest ways? Am I an enabler by letting him stay even though he breaks the rules of the house? It will be especially hard for him to get around as he has no license for a few more years.

I now firmly believe that he stole the $300 from my friend’s neighbors as well. My friends already reimbursed their neighbors for the money. I guess I should reimburse them as well now that I believe he stole it. Although, given the he is 18, am I really feal responsponsible for his actions? WTF...

I have decided to start taking some type of antidepressant again. I think there should be more to life than just going through the motions.

A little whine

I have a tendency to adjust my blog postings in effort to make it more appealing to the "plethora" of viewers that read it on a daily basis. Mostly I try not to whine a lot. The problem with editing my writing for the benefit of others is that I lose a therapeutic opportunity for myself. Maybe I need to whine a little more because right now I am pretty unhappy. I have been suffering from a low grade depression since forever and I just want to feel better.

While I am grateful that I am not severely depressed, I wish I did suffer a bit from mania. I rarely laugh and when I do it is never a deep hearty laugh. It is a "oh, this is where I should be laughing" laugh. While I go through the motions of various interests and responsibilities in my life, I feel deprived of the passion that would make life much more enjoyable and possibly lead to greater successes.

Snow soon?

This morning it was a brisk 16 degrees outside when B and I took A for a walk. Most of the ski areas are open and I should think about mounting the plow back onto the jeep.

Better than yesterday

Last night I only spent an hour in Clickerville. I made supper for B and D (hamburgers, oven baked french fries and corn). J came in the house earlier with an old friend (that I don't like) and announced that he would not be joining us for dinner even though we have been doing family dinner on Wednesday's for almost two months. I told him I was disappointed.

Better than yesterday

Last night I only spent an hour in Clickerville. I made supper for B and D (hamburgers, oven baked french fries and corn). J came in the house earlier with an old friend (that I don't like) and announced that he would not be joining us for dinner even though we have been doing family dinner on Wednesday's for almost two months. I told him I was disappointed.

Wasting away in Clickerville

Lately I have been spending too much time in Clickerville. I have many, many responsibilities that I have been neglecting and need to break this pattern. I am also setting a bad example for my family. One day I will look back on this wasted time and wish I had used it more productively.

Life Sucks Than You Die...

I am very tired today having slept only a few hours last night. Yesterday afternoon, D called me in tears. Earlier in the day, a friend of ours had called her about an issue with J. J had spent a few days with our friends recently and after he left, they discovered several hundred dollars were missing from a house J and my friends had visited. They believed J had stolen the money and reimbursed their friends for the loss.

I spoke with J last night and I don't believe he stole it. He has never done anything like this before and he is not a very good liar.

I suspect that this issue will never be resolved and I will never be comfortable with these particular friends again. I mourn the loss of our friendship.

What a shitty time of year to get wacked with a situation like this. I am definitely feeling like a punching bag today.

Bird day

This morning we woke up to a cold, crisp early winter day. It is quiet in the coffee shop; none of the regulars are here.

I enjoyed going to my Dad’s house for Thanksgiving. There was no drama and I enjoyed talking with everyone.

Feeling good

It is cold, dark and raining this morning but I am in a great mood today. Drill was fabulous last night and I am getting along well with the staff and really starting to bond with the kids. We are implementing most of my ideas and you can already see significant improvements in the unit. I must acknowledge that the 1st Sgt is doing an outstanding job and that makes all the difference.

I also will be working with the kids at the adolescent home soon. I am nervous about this new venture though. Many of these kids have been abused and or neglected and bear the emotional scars of their past. I hope that I have the emotional fortitude to manage what will likely be a difficult experience.

Sunday I go to my Dads for Thanksgiving. I am usually anxious about these visits but I am looking forward to this one.

Winter's coming

The digital weather station displayed 30 degrees for an outdoor temperature when B and I left to walk A this morning. I am still wearing my sandals though and hope to do so thru the winter except on the coldest, snowiest days.

I am still pretty down from my experience at the banquet but I am hoping my mood will improve today. D left this morning without giving me the usual kiss and hug so I suspect she is pissed I have been in a foul mood for so long. I called her, we talked a bit and we are fine. We will be having a family dinner tonight.

Alone

I am at B's sports banquet sitting at a cafeteria lunch table by myself. I am surrounded by people that I know, but I have chosen to isolate myself from them. B started the night by pissing me off, telling me at the last minute that we had to bring a salad to the banquet. Then, after I rushed to the grocery store to get the salad, he tells me the banquet is not tonight! Finally, 15 minutes later, he says the banquet is tonight but is starting at 6:30, not 5:30. WTF!

Now I am sitting here having a massive anxiety attack because I know people are talking about me, the father of the kid (J, not B) that was responsible for the fatal accident. Suddenly I spot the sister of the deceased preparing to give out awards. She seems happy… Then she spots me and we lock eyes for a moment until I turn away in shame. I almost can’t bear this. Her husband and son is there as well. A wave of emotions washes over me as I try to process all the thoughts rushing through my mind. I fumble with my Blackberry, keeping my eyes down just trying to make it through the night. My stomach is churning, my face flushed and I feel ill.

I cannot stay in this town… I just don’t think I will ever feel comfortable. Is it right for me to have a normal life? I feel guilty about wanting to feel happy.

I wasn't behind the wheel but as J's father, I still feel responsible. It drives me insane that J is not making something of his life after being responsible for something so tragic.

I wonder how I am ever going to deal with this…

Veterans Day

I had a fabulous weekend with the cadet group. The Vets were grateful for the company and the kids did a great job. At one point, 2 or 3 of the younger cadets were surrounded by a circle of Vets in wheelchairs wielding oversized beach balls. It was a blast just watching them. We stuck to the schedule and the 1st Sgt showed excellent command of the troops.

I was surprised by a statement from the CO during final formation. He announced that he would be stepping back from the unit and I would be taking over. The CO and I had not discussed his announcement prior to making it so I was definitely taken aback. I have mixed feelings about this new responsibility; but overall I am ok with it.

Helping Vets and Kids

Tomorrow I am taking the cadets up to the Soldiers Home and we are spending the day with the Vets. These visits are always very rewarding for everyone involved.

Yesterday I spoke with the USMC Sgt in charge of the NH T0ys for T0ts program. We had a great conversation and our unit will be working with his unit to collect, process and distribute the toys.

Blogging is work?

I am having a difficult time updating my blog lately. In typical ADHD fashion, I lose interest in most things that do not offer a steady dose of excitement and challenge. When the creative (serotonin) juices are flowing, the words just fly of my fingers. However, as of late, writing has been more work than pleasure. I will stick with it though because I want to capture snippets of my life during both good and bad emotional times.

Brrrrrrrr

Winter has thrust herself upon us unsuspecting New Englanders. After a very moderate fall, we woke up today to temperatures in the teens. Yesterday we pushed our kayaks into the river while rubbing our freezing hands. I suspect this may be our last paddle till next spring.