beautiful day

It is a beautiful fall day here In Northern New England. It is also my birthday and I have treated myself to a quad venti no whipped mocha at the Starbucks directly across the street from The Kittery Trading post in Maine. D and I are going kayaking and we need to get a couple of cold weather items.Drill went well last night, I have the day off and I am in a great mood. Life is good today!

Text messaging

Last night for dinner, I made chicken parmesan, homemade mac and cheese (B's favorite) with fruit salad for desert. J had to work so could not join us. However D, B and I had a nice family dinner; up until I mentioned to B that he had exceeded his text messaging limit adding almost $25 to the phone bill. Instead of engaging in a calm mature conversation, B became angry and belligerent. Then D became angry and we all left the table in a huff. WTF...

A good friend of mine will likely be laid off today. I helped him get started in IT and I am hopeful he will find another job quickly.

Time change

B and I take A for a walk most mornings. Lately it has been very dark and not as enjoyable especially when A gets tangled around a tree after her “personal time” in the woods. As much as I loathe the time change and resulting shorter afternoons, it will be nice to walk the dog in the daylight.

There is snow predicted for Okeemo Mountain today and they plan to open Nov 15th. Maybe B and I can be there for opening day.

A little brighter

My mood has improved a bit today even though it is a cold, dark, rainy day. We had dinner as a family last night and D made one of my favorite meals, chicken cordon bleu.

Yesterday I got a call from the Director of the adolescent home I had been working with a few months ago. She asked me if I was still interested in volunteering and I said yes. We are meeting in a few weeks.

Even darker

Yesterday was even worse than the day before. I just can't shake this depression. I wasted 9 hours in Clickerville and another couple this morning before I finally rallied enough to go to work.

Right now, life sucks...

Dark days

Yesterday afternoon sucked. They day started out fine; D, B and I went to the gym. We all had a good workout and everything seemed fine. When we returned home we encountered a couple of scheduling problems that seemed to darken D's mood. Between her bitchiness and the stress of B's driving I finally shut down emotionally and have remained depressed since then. I am going to work today to avoid dealing with life.

The "City"

We thoroughly enjoyed our trip to NYC. We started the day with a loooooong wait in the discount ticket line but successfully procured tickets to Phantom of the Opera. I then frantically searched for a unique espresso cafe, but finding none that fit our itinerary, was relegated to my usual Starbucks latte. Later, we stumbled upon a great Italian restaurant and enjoyed a fantastic lunch. They even had an expresso machine so I did get my authentic NYC latte and it was quite good.

The play was good but I am becoming increasingly concerned that I have an abnormality with my brain that interferes with language processing and comprehension. I simply could not auditorily understand many of the songs. However, I could discern what was happening through the visual elements and snippets of words. D said that she could hear the songs and understood what they were saying. I plan to do some testing to try and recreate my comprehension difficulties.

I was surprised at the intensity of D's emotional response to various songs and segments of the play. She really showed some passion that I don't often see. I will look for some opportunities to view other operatic plays in Boston and the surrounding areas.

Wasting time

Lately I have been spending way too much time in Clickerville. I start thinking about crashing on the couch before I am even out of work. I am setting a bad example for my son and I am neglecting many responsibilities. I wish there was some way I could find more energy in the evening. Last night I should have put my new wheels on my mountain bike and tonight I would have been out riding. What a waste…

Whats on your DVR?

My current DVR list includes Ultimate Fighter, Sopranos, Sons of Anarchy and .............. Sex in the City. The first three are obvious picks for a weight lifting-kick boxing-military wannabe like me; but what's up with the show about woman's shoes and failed relationships? Before you ask me to turn in my man card, understand that the show is entertaining. I laugh out loud, spend 30 minutes "in" The City, and when it is over, I feel a bit more sophisticated. Don't get me wrong; I don't confuse the materialistic, idealistic and often bitchy nature of the lead characters with the norm, but I do feel like I gain a tiny insight into the mind of a "successful" urban female. I even went to see the Sex in the City movie with D. Slumped deep in my seat with my hat pushed down over my face, I was nevertheless riveted to the screen to the very end. I wonder if the other four men in the theater enjoyed the show as much as I did.

Speaking of the “City”, tomorrow D and I get on a bus at 0600 to take a trip to my favorite urban island. I look forward to a good espresso and maybe some thought provoking modern art. If time allows, we will also try to get some tickets to a matinee show on Broadway.

Pumping Iron

I hit the weights hard yesterday and today I am in a better mood. I know that weightlifting produces mood enhancing chemicals such as epinephrine and dopamine, but I am starting to wonder if there is more benefit than I previously thought.

B told me yesterday that he would like to attend some of the premiers at the film festival. Apparently they are playing Sunday so we should be able to go.

Foul mood

I am not doing well today. Motivation continues to elude me and I am in a really foul mood. Work remains a challenge as I cannot concentrate and my productivity sucks. I hope I am feeling better soon as Saturday D and I are taking a bus trip to Manhatten with her office.

When B was younger he expressed interest in moviemaking and said he would like to be a director or producer. I have always encouraged that interest and even bought him a high-quality video camera; but alas his interest never progressed and the camera is rarely used. The NH Film Festival is taking place this upcoming weekend and I asked B if he was interested in attending some of the workshops or premiers. He said yes but when we tried to schedule something he already had plans with his girlfriend. I am trying not to be hurt. I am trying not to be angry. I am really trying not to be vindictive. I am really, really trying to appreciate how incredibly lucky I am to have such a great kid for a son. It isn't about me; it is about him. I cannot lose site of that.

Gettin' Happy

Yesterday I took the day off, mostly to help J paint the car he has been fixing for a friend. I also went for a run with B that ended abruptly when he developed a pain his ankle. The rest of the day was spent working on cadet-related issues, online gaming and practicing guitar. Not the best use of my time, but at least I purposely and successfully avoided Clickerville.

I am not a happy person; but I am also not suicidal. Considering the alternative, that is probably a good thing. I am sure that many of us do, in fact, “…lead lives of quiet desperation”. But I wish that I was happier. I wish that I found more joy in the things that I do. I wish I was less serious and had a better sense of humor. I wish I had more appreciation for my good fortune.

In my humble but possibly naive opinion, happiness is generally not completely dependent on one’s job, family or personal situation(s). It is a state of mind; largely dependent on mood altering chemicals such as serotonin and epinephrine. Certainly environmental factors influence the production of these “happy” chemicals, but in my case my life is good on all fronts, but yet I am still less than happy. WTF...

Rachael Ray I ain't...

Last night I made dinner for the family including chicken parmagiana and caesar salad followed by honey-yoghurt fruit salad and chocolate covered strawberries for dessert. I am not a big fan of cooking but everyone seems to enjoy it when I do. Dinner conversation was relaxed and it was nice to be together as a family.

Later I successfully avoided Clickerville and played my guitar instead.

Round one

Yesterday I was officially transferred to the new cadet unit even though my former CO did everything possible to stop it. Yeah! I win round one! I requested and was given the billet of "Training Officer" and I think that for now, I will remain in that supportive position rather than the role of XO.

Last night, I once again spent the evening in Clickerville, but considering that a good portion of that time was taken up watching the debate, I do not feel overly guilty. When I was not watching the debate, I was thinking that I should be doing something else. That is a good sign.

Wednesday’s are my night to cook. This is not something I particularly enjoy, but I know it means a lot to D. Last Wednesday I made Chicken and Broccoli Alfredo. I am not sure what I will make this week.

Gitterdun...

I have been lacking in motivation as of late. It is hard to get up and I have no interest in going to work. Yesterday I flipped the TV on while eating my cereal and remained in Clickerville until 9:30 watching "The Border", a movie made in 1982 starring Jack Nicholson. This laziness is not something I am accustomed to as of late and I hope will not become a habit. I have been spending way too much time in Clickerville lately and I must break out of that routine.

I eventually made my way to work at 11:00 and I was actually productive. I then hit the weights hard at 12:00 and when I returned to work remained focused and industrious.

Make up

As I was writing my last posting, D was doing a little writing of her own. Shortly after arriving at work on Tuesday, I received an email from her explaining why she was upset with me.

Sunday night, we we're lying in bed reading when she leaned over pointing to an article in her magazine and said "Look, it says that woman that have sex four or more times a week tend to live two to three years longer". "I guess you will have to talk to your boyfriend" I replied with a smirk on my face. She laughed and without looking up from my novel I added "Maybe if you spent more time in the gym we would have more sex". You are probably thinking what D thought. But that is not what I meant. What I was trying to say is that she has a greater sexual appetite and initiates lovemaking more often when she exercise regularly. But that is not what I said. Sometime I can be an idiot.

I apologized for my comment and we are fine.