Why are we fighting?

Last night, I arrived home to find D in a less than pleasant mood. She had prepared supper but after about five minutes at the dinner table, she and B had a disagreement that concluded with her leaving the table and spending the rest of the night in our room. B retreated to his room for homework and talking to his new girlfriend and I spent the rest of the evening in Clickerville.

This morning I approached D and asked what was wrong. "I don't want to get into it now" she replied. "Did I do something wrong" I asked. She replied "I don't want to talk about it". So now we are fighting and I don't even know why. "Take care of A, I am going to work" I muttered as I turned and left the room.

College bound

B has an opportunity to take a free SAT prep class free through his school. However, he says that he does not have time. The course will interfere with his X-country meets and he will be up later doing homework. I am really torn between demanding that he take the course or letting him make his own decision. First I will call the school to get more details on the course.

I let him make his own decision about quitting basketball years ago but recently he said that I should not have let him quit. If I don't push him academically, will he wish I had later?

Emotional rollercoaster

Last Friday I discovered that the CO of my old unit was continuing his smear campaign against me, attempting to prevent me from joining the new unit. He asked the "leader" of a local retired military group affiliated with the cadet program to call the CO of my new unit and request that my request to transfer be denied. My new CO waved off the request and said I was welcome to join. My CO then sent me an email informing me of the phone call. I then called the "leader" that had made the call and we had a less then pleasant conversation. Today I got an email from my CO informing me that my transfer was proceeding.

I have to learn that not everyone likes me and some will even try to hurt me. I cannot let these people win by becoming a victim. I must weather these attacks with less of an emotional meltdown.

Goals update

Following is an updated score on my goal achievement:

C - Increase income
D - Improve relationship with oldest son J
F - Read more
F - Write more
F - Play guitar more
B - Work on unpaid taxes
F - Finish stairs
F - Rebuild jeep top
F - AnomonA
D - Meditate more

I have been spending a lot more time with D so I am not completely depressed about my poor scores. I am also managing the bills now and they are all current and I have retained a financial advisor. I am not sure what to do about a goal that I consistently fail to achieve such as playing the guitar. I guess I have to question my motivation for setting the goal.

Frosty pumpkins

Today, for the first time in months, I am writing this post from inside the coffee shop. The temperature has dipped into the forties and it is more comfortable sitting in the comfy chair by the front window.

While walking A this morning, B told me that the "friend" he was taking to the school dance this weekend was having second thoughts. She was going to hang out with a friend instead of attending the dance. Although B did not seem overly disappointed, I wonder how he really feels. He also asked my advice about another girl that he really likes who is apparently going to the dance with someone else. "She asked me why I was ignoring her" he said. "How would you respond Dad?" I replied "First I would consider my response carefully before I delivered it. Honesty is generally the best policy and I would probably tell her that you were disappointed that she was attending the dance with someone other than you; and that you just needed some space for a bit. If you really like her, remain persistent in your pursuit. High school relationships rarely last."

As Harry Chapin said, “I have never been a pick-em-up kinda guy” so I am not sure how good my advice is. He is a bright kid though so I am sure he will adapt to the situation.

Living life

Saturday
0700 - Winterize pool
0900 - Depart for x-country meet
1000 - Arrive x-country meet
1130 - Depart for in-laws camp
1230 - Arrive at in-laws camp to winterize
1600 - Depart for shopping and errands
1800 - Arrive at restaurant for dinner with family and friends
2100 - Depart for Dairy Queen
2130 - Indulge in large Reeses-Peanut Butter-Cup Blizzard
2200 - Arrive home and pass out

Sunday
0700 – Load up gear for kayaking with D
0800 – Depart for kayaking
0830 – Kayaking
1100 – Return home
1130 – Clean and stow kayaking gear
1230 – Finish winterizing pool
1800 – Depart for service call
2100 – Return home, hang in Clickerville for an hour
2200 – Lights out

Drill

Last night I went to drill at the new unit. Within five minutes the CO asked me if I would like to be XO. While they really need an XO, I am not sure that I am up for the commitment. It feels great to be working with the kids again. It is a small group but I believe the 1st Sgt will do a great job. Some members of my old unit are transferring into this unit so I will be working with old friends as well.

A few weeks back I spent some time with D's sister and brother in law listening to and advising them on difficulties they were experiencing with their teenage son. Yesterday D spent time with her sister and apparently they are using and benefitting from my recommendations. Hearing that I made a positive difference in someone’s life is the best antidepressant I have ever had; and I have had them all :-).

Lucky me

D came down the stairs carrying the new wool sweater she purchased at the Seafood Festival. "I will walk A with you this morning" she said reaching for the door. "I think B is coming" I replied with a wince in my voice. "Walking A in the morning is our thing" I mumbled somewhat nervously. I did not want to hurt D's feelings but walking A in the morning has become an important routine for B and me. We talk about work, school, and running and update each other on what’s happening in our lives. It is something we both look forward to. I walked over, smiled at D and hugged her tightly. "I still love you D" I said. "Ok, I will do dishes instead" she replied with no hint of disappointment in her voice; but I could see it in her face. As B, A and I walked down the driveway, I said to him “We should invite Mom sometimes. I think she would like that”. B nodded in approval.

He is such a great kid. I am incredibly fortunate to be his Dad.

My blog

Today I was talking with the baristas at my favorite coffee shop and I mentioned that I updated my blog whilst drinking my coffee. They asked me for the address but I told them that my blog is anonymous. "It is a private blog I share with the world" I said. None of my friends, family or associates has ever seen my blog. And I have never exchanged contact information with any of my readers. It is this cloak of anonymity that allows me to share my innermost thoughts and feelings.

They moved the comfy chairs away from the front window at the coffee shop and replaced them with wooden chairs and tables. I feel like Jack Nicholson in “As Good as it Gets” when he was pissed that people were sitting in his chair at the restaurant where he eats breakfast. I suppose a little bit of OD is not a bad thing. The antithesis is apathy which is a sure sign of depression for me.

More time please...

I'll have one large coffee, a bagel and, oh yeah, 3 extra hours of free time.

When I was back sitting on the couch in Clickerville, I just wanted time to pass. Now that I am living life, time passes too fast. I can feel the stress building with every new commitment. My blood pressure rises and my heart begins to beat erratically. Meditation is one of the best remedies for my anxiety but given my ADD-based need for stimulation it is REALLY hard to sit still for any length of time.

Axons and dentrites

I cannot remember his name... He played Robin Williams' partner in the “Birdcage”. He also played opposite Matthew Broderick in “The Producers”. I spent most of my commuting time this morning trying to remember his name. I know the answer; I just can't retrieve it. This is a game I play to try and rebuild my synapse's responsible for knowledge retrieval.

This morning I helped B with his vocabulary words after we walked the dog. The words were 11th grade level and I only knew about half of them.

I accept my cognitive deficiencies but it still frustrates me when I struggle to learn or recall information. It is pretty amazing for a guy that is an IT consultant.

From now on I am going to learn one new word per day. Now if I could just remember one from B's list :-)

Brrrrrrr...

Last night the temperature dipped into the forties. Further North, some people experienced their first frost. This morning it was a cold ride into town. I need to finish up the hard top for the jeep if I want to continue driving it. I even considered writing this posting from the warmth of the coffee shop but instead opted to take my usual seat outside.

B and I walked A for the first time since she had surgery. It is nice to get back to our old routine. He is pretty stressed out with homework. I need to find something fun for us to do in between wakeboarding and snowboarding.

I am starting to sacrifice family time for work. It pains me to do this but we really need the money. However, I have been taking time off to go to B's x-country meets which helps to balance my time between work and home.

Last night I went to my second drill at the cadet unit. It was uneventful and I helped out where I could. I seem to make the 1st Sgt nervous. I need to spend some time with him so he is more comfortable around me.

When I am this busy I don't seem to have time for depression or concerns about spending too much time in Clickerville. Lately I watch very little TV. D remarked yesterday that she never sees me. I reminded her that I could be sitting at home, depressed, spending all my time in Clickerville. "I need to live life" I said to her. She understands and we agreed to go kayaking this weekend.

I am so incredibly fortunate that D is so tolerant of my needs and habits. I must work more diligently to return the courtesy.

Lots of work

I am getting multiple calls for work but I am lacking motivation. I will work my way through it but it would be nice if I were a bit more upbeat.

I heard back from the National Director of the cadet program and it appears that my transfer will be approved. Yeehaa....

Self-inflicted stress

My quest to rejoin the cadet organization has been once again derailed due to the efforts of my former friend and CO. I had planned to join another unit while I work through the process of starting my own unit, but I was just informed that my request was denied due to a unresolved "legal allegation". I am sure it has something to do with the ridiculous accusations my former CO made concerning the old equipment at my office (which I have since returned) but I don't know for sure. I think it is time to get my lawyer involved. I need to put an end to this absurd personal vendetta that my former CO is engaged in.

I could stop all of this madness by quitting my attempt to start my own unit. But then evil would triumph over good. I don't know that I can stand by and let that happen. On the other hand, we should be careful of what we “win”.

A better day

This morning I am back at my favorite coffee shop feeling a little better (emotionally) than yesterday. I drove B to school in the Celica but went back home to get the Jeep so I could drive it into work. Mornings are getting colder and my days of driving the jeep without the top are numbered.

Recently, I noticed that in my blog, I do not mention D very often other than logistical references. My relationship with D is complicated. We have been through some incredibly difficult times and she stood by me through the darkest hours of my depression while I treated her like shit. We are very different people with dissimilar backgrounds. Yet somehow we make it work. I am glad we discovered a common interest in kayaking because she does not share my interest in other outdoor sports such as snowboarding, wakeboarding, running and biking. I love D with all my heart and soul but I am not as attentive as I should be. This is something I will work on.

Another blah day

Today I am feeling lethargic, even though I had a great weekend! Saturday I fished all day (didn’t catch anything). Sunday was household chores and then we had D's family over for a BBQ. Yesterday, D and I went kayaking in the AM and I helped J work on a car in the PM. I am being generous when I say I "helped" as J disappeared after about 10 minutes leaving me to fix his friends car. Life is good and I have little stress to deal with (knock on wood).

I should be bright and cheery today eager to do battle. Instead I feel like an ungrateful whiner.